Hooray! Big Brother is back! Hooray! And because this is its final year, the launch show did its best to mimic the entire Big Brother decade.

It started out exciting. Then halfway through it threw in somebody who looked famous but wasn’t. And then it became so overwhelmingly tedious that we automatically wished pain on all of the housemates and briefly considered euthanising ourselves because we didn’t think it was ever going to end. The entire Big Brother experience, summed up in 90 minutes. Great work, Channel Four.

But who’s in the Big Brother house this year? Glad you asked – we’ve listed them after the jump. Honestly, the things we put ourselves through for you people…

So, the Big Brother launch show was different this year, because the 14 housemates were picked live on TV – it was definitely live, by the way, even the the sky somehow stayed visibly lighter than anywhere else in the rest of the UK for about 30 minutes – from a group of over 80 hopefuls.

Essentially what this meant was that – instead of seeing the Big Brother housemates quickly get out of a car, trot down a runway and enter the house – we had to sit through a dull, prolonged The Price Is Right-style selection process whenever a new housemate was named. It happened 14 times. FOURTEEN TIMES. Great way to keep things zippy, Big Brother.

But who were the 14 grasping attention-starved empty vessels picked to be this year’s Big Brother housemates? Let’s see, shall we?

Josie – Blonde, chicken-liking, petrol-drinking Carry On idiot.

Steve – Tattooed amputee. One black contact lens. Looks like he beats people up for a living.

Ben – Posh cock who wears a jumper around his shoulders, which everyone knows is the universal sign for ‘I’m a tremendous cock’.

Rachael – Beyonce lookalike. Might be a bitch, but we’re willing to overlook that purely because she looks like Beyonce and we’re incredibly shallow.

Nathan – Eyebrows. That is all.

Dave – A monk or an emo or something. Oh, God knows.

Caiomah – A sort of white Rihanna who pretends to be a lesbian sometimes because she hasn’t got a personality.

Govan – This year’s Normal One. Except he’s never been in a relationship because he’s probably some sort of bloody sociopath for all anyone bleeding knows.

Shabby – You knows those little porcelain dolls of sad-looking tramps dressed like Charlie Chaplin? That.

Ife – A singer, she says. A bit nothingy, really.

John James - An Australian labouring under the impression that no British people have ever seen an Australian before. Nobody take him out drinking in Shepherd’s Bush when he’s evicted, for crying out loud. It’ll break his heart. The nearest thing to boy-totty of the year.

Sunshine - She is called Sunshine and she wears a tiny hat. We’ve hated people for less.

Corin – A Jordan lookalike who appears to have been pieced together from hundreds of fossilised foreskins and most of Superdrug.

Mario – A wildcard housemate who has entered the house as a mole but – get this! – he’s… tee hee… dressed as an actual mole. That’s so random! Except that it’s actually the precise opposite of random!

And that’s it. We’ll be checking in with Big Brother intermittently throughout the series – or maybe more if it looks like Steve’s post-traumatic stress disorder will kick in and make him attack Ben – so it’s not all bad, is it? It is? Who are we kidding, of course it is.

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Remember that new E4 show Misfits we previewed a few weeks back?

No? Well, it’s become quite popular with everyone apart from you apparently.

We sent our very own bumbling reporter Keith Emmerson to meet a few members of the cast who turn out to be much more charming than their characters…

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack is going to rattle to a close on Monday – but before that happens, two housemates will be evicted tonight?

Which two? God knows, frankly. After Wednesday night's face-to-face nominations the only people who definitely won't be evicted tonight are Anthony and John. Everyone else is fair game, and we're buggered if we know who'll be evicted.

So instead, ostrich-style, we're going to ignore tonight's double eviction and keep our eyes on Monday's prize, starting today with the four housemates who don't stand a flipping chance of winning.

Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Calista, Jay, Nathan and Jeremy, with help from Paddy Power…

Calista - It's taken a while for Calista to develop a personality within Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, but thank God she finally has. Admittedly it's the personality of a stark-staring lusty-eyed witch who can't stop gawping at Anthony and involuntarily twitching. It's not a pretty sight, and that's probably why Calista's the least favourite to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. That and the dawning public realisation that Anthony now understands that he'll be knee deep in girls from Monday night so the last thing he should do is shack up with – let's admit it – a woman who looks slightly like the Crazy Frog. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 100/1

Jay – Despite the early promises, Jay hasn't turned out to be quite as objectionable as we assumed. So why is he so unlikely to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? It might be because he's failed to really connect with any of the other housemates. Or it might be because whenever we hear Big Brother say "Can Jay please come to the Diary Room," we spend about 30 seconds going "Jay? Is there a housemate called Jay? Which one's that? Oh, Jaaaaaaay!" and since we've been following this bloody thing professionally that's not really a very good sign. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 100/1

Nathan – You know what we liked best about Nathan at the start of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? The way he went "brap brap brap" whenever he was happy. And you know what Nathan hasn't done since about three days into Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Anything at all. Seriously, Nathan's plan to get more fans by appearing on Big Brother has backfired furiously – unless of course he thinks that inert lumps with no personality are what the kids like these days. And, let's be fair, he might be right – that's the only way we can explain the popularity of Keane. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 33/1

Jeremy – What we like best about Jeremy is that, even though he cracks a lot of jokes all the time, it's all obviously such a badly-built defence mechanism that it wouldn't take long to have him wailing and crying and sucking his thumb. But with just one long weekend left in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, that's plainly not going to happen. So we'll have awkward, geeky wisecracker Jeremy to put up with, unless he's evicted tonight. Ace. No, really… Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 25/1

On Monday – Betting odds for the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack frontrunners. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Now that Big Brother Celebrity Hijack is getting the hang of evictions, it’s decided to sling out housemates faster than ever before – which is bad news for Latoya and Emilia.

On Sunday the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemates nominated yet again, and yesterday the two housemates with the most votes were names as Latoya and Emilia. And the evicted housemate won’t be getting a big Friday night eviction like everyone else – no, they’ll be shunted out of the house on a Wednesday in front of a televised audience of, ooh, about three. We’ll be getting to the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction odds soon enough.

But for now let’s carry on our look at the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds to win, for Nathan, Emilia and Jeremy, with help from Paddy Power…

Nathan – A long long time ago when Big Brother Celebrity Hijack started (yes, we know it was just a couple of weeks ago, but by bloody Christ, does it feel like longer), Nathan looked like the fun-loving chap who’d inject a bit of life into the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house. But that was an assumption so wrong it should be punishable by a damn good birching. Nathan has revealed himself to be – in no particular order – ultra-serious, unable to join in any discussions in case it alienates his meagre fanbase, slightly bitter that he isn’t more famous than he is and such a freakish horndog that he darn-near melted our TV with his lechery. And, you, know, we’ve already got one Craig David for that. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 16/1

Emilia – It’s become increasingly clear over the last week that Emilia is something of a professional victim, and the only time she ever shows a trace of personality is whenever she’s got someone bitching at her. And now that Victor‘s not in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house any more, Emilia’s main source of antagonism has disappeared. So chances are Emilia is either going to flourish now that she doesn’t have an emotionally-deformed rollerskater telling her that she’s a whore or she’ll find another way to act the victim. Chances are by Thursday Emilia will burst into tears because Jeremy’s keeping her down by stroking her hair sometimes. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 12/1

Jeremy – Jeremy is another Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemate who’ll suffer without Victor around. Not in the same way as Emilia, though – Jeremy had forged something of a homoerotic relationship with Victor that mainly consisted of swapping sex stories and talking sexist rubbish in pretend European accents. And now that he’s been forcibly removed from Victor, there’s a chance that Jeremy will become a bit of a Big Brother Celebrity Hijack loner. In short, Jeremy is the new Liam, and we await the day he starts meowing at himself in the bathroom with more anticipation than you could possibly imagine. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

Tomorrow – Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for the big eviction. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack has just lined up another four schmucks for eviction – Victor, Jeremy, Emilia and Liam.

Come Friday, one of those poor kids will be out of the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house. But who? Bendy girl? Her idiot brother? The monotone racing driver? Liam? Liam, obviously, but we’ll come to that tomorrow.

But who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Nathan, John and Anthony, with help from Paddy Power…

Nathan – Well that’s us told; we’ve been reliably informed that Nathan doesn’t say “bup bup bup” when he’s excited – it’s actually “brap brap brap.” We take it all back – obviously “bup bup bup” would just be ridiculous. Anyway, Nathan’s positioning himself as an early Big Brother Celebrity Hijack favourite with his friendly manner and his stillborn romance with Latoya and flirtation with Amy and stuff, but he’s going to need to be careful if he wants to maintain his position. This is because Nathan is slightly bitter that his American strand of R&B has been decimated by grime in recent years and he’s been forced to go on a tawdry reality TV show to boost his profile. And the more he gripes, the more he starts to sound like Les McQueen from The League Of Gentlemen. And that can’t be a good thing, surely. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 7/2

John – Well, who’d have thought it? Ginger, massively overweight Scottish boy John is a tiny bit sensitive. When Paul Garner from The 11 O’Clock Show burst into the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house on Russell Brand‘s orders last week, poor John seemed to think that whole thing was an elaborate set-up to make him look like a fool and sulked for about three days solid. Now, it’s true that John can coast a little because he’s through to the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack final, but actively trying to alienate the viewers by acting like a toddler with a broken rattle won’t help his cause any. And nor will singing Smooth Operator by Sade because he did that to the other day and christ was it terrible. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/3

Anthony – Already it’s looking like Anthony will be the clear winner of this year’s Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, because he’s got something for everyone. The girls love him because he’s a handsome chap, the boys root for him because he punches people for a living (something that all men would secretly like to do), the old folks love him because he’s always very polite to the celebrity hijackers and the kids love him because the side of his head looks like one of those maze games you get in children’s activity books. Plus the government intelligent forces love him because he’s really shit at being interrogated. Honestly, compared to, say, Liam, how could Anthony not win? Having said that, Fred West would probably the favourite compared to Liam. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 2/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Tensions are rising in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house as Jade, Victor and Jeremy all face eviction oblivious to the fact that hardly anyone on the outside world is watching.

We’ll have the eviction betting odds tomorrow, but let’s not forget what’s going on inside the Big Brother house right now. After the double body-blow of that bloke from The 11 O’Clock Show titting about in their garden and John McCririck spending all of yesterday bellowing nonsense at them, it’s a wonder that they all haven’t keeled over in a big messy puddle yet.

Who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Nathan, Anthony and John, with help from Paddy Power…

Anthony – There’s a vast difference between how Anthony presents himself to the world and what he’s actually like. On his entrance into the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, we knew that a) Anthony was a boxer and b) he had a funny little maze shaved into the side of his head. But in reality Anthony seems fairly down-to-earth, nicely self-deprecating and partially aware that he’s going to be trapped in a house for a month with a bag of bell-ends. Still, it’s early days, and there’s still time for Anthony to wig out, kill Victor by punching him and consign himself to history as Brutal Big Brother Murderer Anthony, so we’ll withhold judgement for now. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 4/1

Nathan – Nathan, of course, has a huge advantage over his Big Brother Celebrity Hijack competitors because, by getting nominated for a MOBO, he’s the only one that anybody’s actually heard of. In fact, when Nathan had to show off his skills recently, many of the other housemates actually sang along to the song he was singing, something that didn’t happen to, say, Calista‘s bimbly nonsense about fannies. Plus, Nathan likes to express happiness by firing an imaginary gun into the air and shouting “Bup bup bup bup bup!” which is the most heartwarming endorsement of gun crime we think we’ve ever seen. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 7/2

John – Now, although these betting odds currently have John as the favourite to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, we aren’t so certain. Without a doubt John was the biggest star of the opening night – as Matt Lucas was ordering him through an earpiece to claim that he wrote The Sound Of Music and could Irish dance much to his obvious horror – but that might go against him. Although he’s sure to get to the final, that could well be where John falls down. All the earpiece nonsense means that it’ll be harder for him to push his real personality onto the other housemates and the viewers and, since he’s a politician, there’s every chance that his real personality is a little bit knobbish. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 5/2

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Jade, Jeremy and Victor. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.