Celebrities! Ha! One thing you can count on is that, at some point in their ultimately worthless lives, they’ll decide that fulfilment lies in family. Settling down with a partner and having children and buying a dog and making soup. It’s there in the dull things that they’ll find spiritual enlightenment.
They’ll probably start doing bloody yoga as well and really getting into charity, never making a decent film or record again. Good art never came from a contented place.
And so, the latest celebrity we’ve lost is Natalie Portman who has given birth to a millipede with her fiancé Benjamin (who has the surname of Millepied if you’re wondering where this insect joke is coming from). And what awful name have they bestowed on this poor little many legged sod?
Read More >>>
Sadly, we’ve already used up our only joke in the headline of this story, but rest assured, because Natalie Portman has had a baby with Benjamin Millepied, we’ll almost certainly use it again. Because we’re thick. And unimaginative.
Anyway, Natalie Portman seems to have been pregnant for roughly eight years, which is not surprising seeing as she was incubating a human centipede (told you we’d use it again – bet you didn’t expect it to be quite so soon).
Sadly, as yet, the pair haven’t come up with a name for their son and there are absolutely no other details released to us unrelated plebs. Suffice to say, the two are overcome with joy that Portman managed to squeeze out a child with six legs, six arms and an ad-hoc three-body colon.
Read More >>>
Natalie Portman has suggested that she might quit all that acting lark. Why? Well, she’s seemingly intent on becoming a massive bore. That means she wants to focus on her family and presumably litter her Facebook with constant pictures of stupid humans that have grown in her womb.
She’s currently incubating an inevitable disappointment which was put there by her choreographer fiance Benjamin Millepied. That’s right. Millepied. This baby will have more legs than eyelashes.
Portman has spoken of her desire to emulate (aka ‘copy’) Hollywood icon Audrey Hepburn, who sacked Hollywood off to begin a family.
Read More >>>
Everyone has been saying that Natalie Portman did a good job of pretending to be a ballerina in the film Black Swan. No, not that she’s an amazing ballerina – that she is good at pretending to be one, okay?
With that, the most pointless argument in Hollywood’s largely pointless history has kicked off, with dithering shovel brained people all cooing and spitting about just how much dancing Portman did in the Oscar winning flick.
Again. We’d just like to point out that Black Swan is a movie, not a documentary.
Read More >>>
It must be really awful to be Macaulay Culkin at the moment. First his success as an actor is suddenly outstripped by his slightly less off-putting brother Kieran and then he lost girlfriend Mila Kunis to Natalie Portman’s loving embrace.
Oh… we’ve just found out that’s not real. That’s disappointing. Anyway- they still broke up whether she’s cosying up to Portman or not.
Now it seems that the star of the Home Alone films and not much else is taking refuge in the cavernous vagina of Spanish ‘adult actress’ Irene Lopez. Read More >>>
Everyone likes Natalie Portman. She’s a very talented lady. And lovely to look at. Oh so very, very lovely to look at. And kisses a naked girl in Black Swan. In fact, she’s such generally brilliant that she’s even willing to do the most appalling things for a role.
She kisses Ashton Kutcher. On the lips. And doesn’t even dry-heave.
However, it isn’t without drawback as, the wonderful, lovely, lovely, really lovely Natalie points out that kissing Kutcher is plain weird. Because he’s a big weird dimwit. Probably.
Read More >>>
Natalie Portman is lovely looking isn’t she? Even when dressed in ridiculous clothes and faced with the immensely wooden acting of Hayden Christensen in the newest Star Wars films, she still managed to look all lovely and lovelier.
Now Portman is set to look really quite lovely in the new Alien prequels which Ridley Scott has promised will be so grotesque that we might just puke all of our bones up through our faces.
Even if Natalie Portman ends up covered in alien vomit and has enormous, gaping wounds all over her body after being attacked by weird creatures, she’ll still make us all sigh like lovelorn schoolboys. Read More >>>
Like everyone else on this crummy Earth, we’re fans of Natalie Portman. She’s made some good films and, when she’s been in not-so-good films, she still looks just like Natalie Portman which is better looking than, say, you. And you. And everyone stood behind you ’til the horizon.
Anyway, it seems that her latest role, in Black Swan, is almost certainly going to win her an Oscar. Yep. It’s all sewn up. Everyone who has seen the new flick at the Venice Film Festival came out of the show, muttering about how wonderful her performance is.
And quite possibly, trying to hide their erections from the lesbian scenes with Mila Kunis which feature. Read More >>>
