If you plan to be in Vienna on September 26, then we’re afraid we’ve got a little bit of bad news for you.

You’re terrible at choosing holiday destinations. Oh, and also, if you were visiting Vienna to see the Michael Jackson tribute concert, then you might be the only one. Because the flipping thing’s been jolly well cancelled.

According to reports, Mary J Blige, Natalie Cole and Chris Brown all dropped out of the Michael Jackson tribute concert, causing it to be rescheduled to take place next year in London. Sweet mercy, will nobody think of Sister Sledge?

In a way, the treatment of Michael Jackson after his death has been exceedingly well-handled, in that every aspect of his life has been perfectly catered to. For instance, Michael Jackson’s star-studded memorial service was a throwback to when Michael had the world at his feet. And his burial – in a tomb stuffed with gaudy replica artworks – demonstrated his questionable taste in possessions. And now the Michael Jackson tribute concert in Vienna seems to be marking the fact that Michael Jackson spent the last decade or so of his life being a bumbling, shambolic flake.

And it looks as though Jermaine Jackson should take the credit for this last one. It’s almost like he channelled all of Michael Jackson’s most abnormal behaviour – the Hurricane Katrina single that never was, the botched comebacks, the constant lawsuits from everyone he’d ever met – and threw it all into this month’s tribute concert. And by golly it seems to have paid off. Because, well, it isn’t happening.

Earlier this week we reported on the embarrassing paucity of stars scheduled to appear at the Michael Jackson tribute concert. But it was OK because, between Sister Sledge and Shanice and US-5, there were a handful of genuine stars ready to buoy everything up. Mary J Blige was going to perform. Natalie Cole was going to perform. Even Chris Brown was supposed to make an appearance.

Except, somewhat inevitably, they dropped out and now it’s been cancelled. Reuters reports:

A scheduled Michael Jackson tribute concert in Vienna has been cancelled because of poor treatment by local Austrian media and the event will be shifted to London next year, organisers said. Organiser Georg Kindel told reporters that the tribute would be held at Wembley Stadium in London in June 2010, to mark the first anniversary of the pop star’s death

That’s right, the Michael Jackson tribute concert was cancelled because the Austrian media was being a bit sniffy about it. Not because people are sick of hearing about Michael Jackson all the time, or because Vienna was always a ludicrous place to ask megastars to travel to at short notice. It was because of the famously vindictive Austrians. You bloody Austrians with your silly hats and your famously low crime rates, buggering everything up for the Jacksons.

Because, make no mistake, this whole thing was a snafu of extraordinary magnitude. Not even Chris Brown wanted to perform there. And things can’t be great if Chris Brown – a convicted woman-beater who’s so desperate for attention at the moment that he’s willing to go on TV at regular intervals to reel off one incredibly ill-advised soundbite after another – thinks that going to Austria to directly associate himself with Michael Jackson would be bad for his image.

But still, at least the organisers are smart enough to put this behind them and focus on a new Michael Jackson tribute concert to be held in London in June 2010. No, actually, let’s say that it’ll be held up a nun’s bottom in Junetember 20poo. It’s probably just as accurate a prediction given the track record, wouldn’t you say?

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It’s because her immune system is now naturally fortified with boat loads of Hepatitis C. This is excellent for her on several different levels. She’ll no longer have to spend hundreds of dollars on oranges every winter – that’s nice for her. She can put that saved money right into studio-time.

Also, no more nights stuck awake because her chest is sticky with Vapo-rub, and she can take all those old, crusty lozenges out of her sock drawer. Like we said, Cole is lucky on many levels – not the least of which… What’s that? Hepetitis C is some sort of ailment? It has lousy side effects and doesn’t calm any winter-time stuffed-up misery? We’ve got it all wrong?

Well don’t we just feel ridiculous.

When Tommy Lee’s body probably first invented Hepatitis C, the world didn’t know what to think. On the one hand AIDS and mouth cancer already took up so much of our time we just didn’t think we would ever need a brand new disease again. On the other hand – Tommy made it, and everything he touches turns to bonafide gold. Except, you now, music and albums and basically anything rhythmic.

Then Pamela Anderson came down with the disease from a rusty tattoo needle, and we realised for the first time it could be considered quite fashionable to contract it.

As if that wasn’t enough, Steven Tyler got it a few years later, and we were like ‘Whoa… Where is everybody getting this wonderful disease?!”

And now Natalie Cole has found a screaming deal on the sickness somewhere. This is unconfirmed, but we heard she got it at 30% off. Again, that was unconfirmed. What’s not unconfirmed is that the disease seems far more solemn than the Lee’s make it look. According to Reuters:

“Grammy-winning singer Natalie Cole has been diagnosed with Hepatitis C and says she probably contracted the liver disease from drug use more than 30 years ago.”

While her publicist says:

“The virus, found during a routine examination, is likely the result of [Cole's] drug use many decades ago.”

The symptoms for the Hep are fatigue, muscle aches and Arabic men walking down the sidewalk towards you, obviously making eye contact but refusing to move out of your way, and when your paths finally cross they shoulder-bump you and you’re left wondering what the world is coming to, and why young people feel the need to be so rude.

Also, dehydration is a symptom.