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Naomi Campbell

Naomi Campbell Charged With Being A Scary Old Airport Nutjob

by Stuart Heritage

Did you know it’s the unassailable right of all British people to attack and abuse police officers if their luggage goes missing on a plane?

It’s true, we read it in a book once. Wait, what’s that? It’s not the unassailable right of all British people to beat up a policeman in a strop? Oh, well that’s Naomi Campbell screwed, then.

Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault after her alleged screaming meltdown on a plane las month. If found guilty then Naomi could find herself saddled with a six-month jail sentence. According to her lawyer, Naomi Campbell wants these charges dealt with ‘expeditiously’ – which we think is polite speak for “Woaaargh! You titting prick-ends! It wasn’t me! Do you who I am? I’ll kill you! I’ll KILL YOU!” But don’t quote us on that.

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Artist Makes 30′ Tall Naomi Campbell Fiberglass Army

by Shawn Lindseth

The American founding fathers put several days of blood, sweat and tears into freeing themselves from their British captors, and when they finally succeeded they didn’t even do anything that good to celebrate.

Sure, they erected a French statue that they got for free to commemorate something or other, but is that really so great? Seriously – Lady Liberty’s not even straddling anything. If Britain were to re-enslave the States today, and America re-revolutionary warred themselves into the ultimate democracy, all resulting commemorations would be infinitely better.

For example, any statue erected today might be of Naomi Campbell straddling a tank cannon like it was a longer, narrower Shetland pony. You know – exactly like the statue some mildly famous artist is apparently planning to build.

Other than that everything would be the same though.

The American founding fathers put several days of blood, sweat and tears into freeing themselves from their British captors, and when they finally succeeded they didn’t even do anything that good to celebrate. Sure, they erected a French statue that they got for free to commemorate something or other, but is that really so great? Seriously – Lady Liberty’s not even straddling anything. If Britain were to re-enslave the States today, and America re-revolutionary warred themselves into the ultimate democracy, all resulting commemorations would be infinitely better. For example, any statue erected today might be of Naomi Campbell straddling a tank cannon like it was a longer, narrower Shetland pony. You know – exactly like the statue some mildly famous artist is apparently planning to build. Other than that everything would be the same though.
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Naomi Campbell Boycotts That Airline That Banned Her Forever

by Stuart Heritage

OK, we take back every single bad thing we ever said about Naomi Campbell – she’s finally convinced us that she’s a genius.

We mean it. Naomi Campbell is a genius. Only a genius could do something as flat-out berserk as what Naomi Campbell’s just done.

Recently Naomi Campbell was banned from flying with British Airways for life for spitting on a policeman in the middle of a violent tantrum about luggage. So, naturally, Naomi Campbell has made a huge point of boycotting British Airways, even though it’s already banned her. Seriously. Indiscriminate violence and a dangerously flawed mental process? We can’t figure out why nobody’s married a catch like that yet.

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Brazil: Naomi Campbell’s Blood? Ew Gross, No

by Shawn Lindseth

It has long been foretold that Naomi Campbell’s blood would spill forth upon the land, creeping into every house, every street and every unfortunate gaping mouth that happens to be astounded by the sight of such a big red tidal wave.

In recent years theologians have stated that all the signs are in place, and that the apocalyptic super-model’s body explosion would happen any day now. We’re still waiting.

Let’s hope it doesn’t happen anytime soon either – because as it stands right now her blood isn’t even good enough to save under-weight mosquito children. Well we think that’s how it stands.

We’ve actually only read headlines on the matter.

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Naomi Campbell Cautioned For Airport Cop-Spit Fury Attack

by Stuart Heritage

Naomi Campbell has escaped serious punishment for her spazzy airport tantrum last week, possibly because the police know that no prison’s puny metal bars can contain a force of nature that terrifying.

Instead, Naomi Campbell has walked away with nothing more than a caution – the slap on the wrist usually doled out to naughty schoolboys.

But a punishment is a punishment, and Naomi Campbell will no doubt learn some very important lessons on to become a better person from it. Or she’ll try and genetically bind her DNA with that of a dilophosaurus so that the next time she spits at a policemen her acidic saliva will melt his eyes and leave him vulnerable enough for her to slash open his belly with her ferocious talons. Which is probably more likely.

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Naomi Campbell Arrested For Giant Airport Strop-Attack

by Stuart Heritage

The Heathrow Terminal 5 situation is worse than we thought – it’s managed to make Naomi Campbell angry, and nothing makes Naomi Campbell angry.

Wait, sorry, that’s a typo. That last bit should have read ‘everything makes Naomi Campbell angry. Everything. Even buttercups and pictures of big-eyed bunny rabbits. Everything.’ Sorry.

So Naomi Campbell got angry at Heathrow airport. How angry? Arrested for attacking a policeman angry. That’s good anger but not great anger, Naomi, and we’re a little bit disappointed. Next time try kicking a wing off or hiding a bomb in your shoe or something.

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Naomi Campbell Meets With Hugo Chavez, Touches His Muscles

by Shawn Lindseth

If we ever got real close to Naomi Campbell the first thing we’d do is squinch our eyes and brace for impact. Once any potential threat subsided we might become brave enough to ask her if we could please see the splinters in her knuckles that she’s carried since the time she smashed her boyfriend’s yacht to smithereens in less than ten punches. We hear some of those splinters come together to form the image of Peppermint Patty playing tennis with several eight-armed holy people from Indian folklore. People might pay to see that Naomi!

Upon her death we really believe that splinter-hand should be severed, laminated, and displayed proudly in the Smithsonian – it sounds so beautiful! Despite her intrinsically flawed knuckles and the money they could bring in, Naomi Campbell can’t be bothered with that kind of tripe right now. She’s far to busy basking in the glow of having just interviewed Hugo Chavez, a guy who rules some country from the business end of a blackberry. We think it’s Mexico.

Campbell has just interviewed the dictator, and she loved every minute of it. She got to touch his muscles, laugh about Fidel ‘Estoy muy sick now’ Castro, and perhaps they listened to a bit of Spice Girls.

That last paragraph, well it was all non-fiction if you can believe it.

If we ever got real close to Naomi Campbell the first thing we'd do is squinch our eyes and brace for impact. Once any potential threat subsided we might become brave enough to ask her if we could please see the splinters in her knuckles that she's carried since the time she smashed her boyfriend's yacht to smithereens in less than ten punches. We hear some of those splinters come together to form the image of Peppermint Patty playing tennis with several eight-armed holy people from Indian folklore. People might pay to see that Naomi! Upon her death we really believe that splinter-hand should be severed, laminated, and displayed proudly in the Smithsonian - it sounds so beautiful! Despite her intrinsically flawed knuckles and the money they could bring in, Naomi Campbell can't be bothered with that kind of tripe right now. She's far to busy basking in the glow of having just interviewed Hugo Chavez, a guy who rules some country from the business end of a blackberry. We think it's Mexico. Campbell has just interviewed the dictator, and she loved every minute of it. She got to touch his muscles, laugh about Fidel 'Estoy muy sick now' Castro, and perhaps they listened to a bit of Spice Girls. That last paragraph, well it was all non-fiction if you can believe it.
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UK Trainwreck Of The Year Awards: THE RESULTS!

by Stuart Heritage

We asked and you responded – here come the long-awaited results of the hecklerspray UK Trainwreck Of The Year survey 2007.

Back in November we asked you to tell us which British celebrities had buggered their lives and reputations up more than anyone with either alcohol, booze, a scant regard for the law or just gigantic, all-encompassing stupidity, and you responded in your thousands. Thank you one and all. But who is the biggest UK Trainwreck Of The Year?

It’s a prestigious title, that’s for sure – similar in status to an Oscar or a sainthood – and the top ten Trainwrecks include Kate Moss, Jade Goody, Heather Mills, Pete Doherty, Charley From Big Brother, Joss Stone, Amy Winehouse, Victoria Beckham and Naomi Campbell – but in what order? Let’s find out…

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Naomi Campbell Too Haggard For Lewis Hamilton

by Paul Sorrenti

Since Naomi Campbell became legal back on 22nd May 1986, she has opened her legs at pelvis-breaking speed to welcome any new black icon that has emerged onto the scene – Mike Tyson, Usher, Damon Dash, P Diddy and that bloke from U2 are among a legion of others who were all more that happy to acquiesce to her chuff-based request.

But modern day hero Lewis Hamilton, the prodigal driving boy with the kindest face in the world, has shown his maturity again by refusing to park up inside Naomi’s cordial car park.

The 22-year-old F1 star, who has been seen with the 37-year-old supermodel on several occasions in recent months, insists the age gap is too big for them to have a relationship.

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