Put yourself in Naomi Campbell’s position. You have a renowned temper. A television crew is filming you.

Someone asks a difficult question. What do you do? Remember, you’re Naomi Campbell here. You’re the world’s angriest woman. You’ve buried more BlackBerries in the skulls of more personal assistants than the rest of the world combined. But there’s a camera crew here. Show your anger now and the footage will be shared across the internet in an instant, cementing your reputation as a uppity little stroppy arsehole in the public consciousness forever more. So what do you? Rise above it?

No way! You’re Naomi Campbell! That isn’t an option. You scrunch all of your feelings into a little ball, puch it deep down into your fist and give the camera that’s filming you the punching of its life. YOU’RE NAOMI CAMPBELL, BITCH! Needless, to say, the video’s after the jump…

There are certain things you don’t ask Naomi Campbell about. In fact, that’s a lie. You never ask Naomi Campbell anything. Remember, this is a woman who once kicked a yacht apart from the inside because she didn’t particularly care for a specific combination of ham, tomato and mozzarella on a plate. If you even so much as look at her in a funny way, you’ll be picking shards of mobile phone out of your brain until the day you die. Sometimes, not even the fact that you’re driving a car that she’s travelling in will stop Naomi Campbell from beating you up.

So, no, you don’t ask Naomi Campbell anything.

Especially if it involves the sensitive matter of the giant uncut blood diamond that she allegedly received from deposed Liberian despot Charles Taylor in the mid-1990s. The diamond forms the centrepiece of a current trial in The Hague, where he’s been charged with crimes against humanity. If Naomi Campbell were to admit that Charles Taylor gave her the diamond, it would strengthen the evidence suggesting that Taylor visited South Africa in 1997 to trade diamonds for weapons that were used to assist in a number of atrocities in Sierra Leone.

Fortunately, Naomi Campbell is nothing if not thoughtful, so when an ABC News crew pressed her on the matter in a recent interview, this was her timely response…

Ah, the old ‘pulling a face like a baby drinking engine oil, invoking the name of Nelson Mandela and then punching the crap out of a camera’ trick. Very diplomatic. We believe it was Kofi Annan who originally pioneered that tactic.

But, hey, as embarrassing as this is for Naomi Campbell, we should look on the bright side. Would we tell you about something as significant as a warlord’s crimes against humanity trial if Naomi Campbell didn’t punch a camera in a fit of rage? No we wouldn’t. You see? Naomi Campbell is a force for good. Maybe next week she’ll dislocate someone’s jaw and we’ll be able to tell you about the Nigerian plans to execute convicts to ease the country’s overcrowded prisons. Keep on being a gigantic bitch, Naomi Campbell! You can do it!

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This week Naomi Campbell was accused of beating yet another of her underlings into a bloody pulp – but did she do it?

Possibly not. Miodrag Mejdina, the driver who called the police on Tuesday when Naomi Campbell reportedly tried to punch through the back of his skull so she could pull out his eyes and use them like a pair of slimy hen-night deely boppers, has now issued a formal apology to Naomi for ‘overreacting’ and blowing the incident ‘out of proportion’.

In completely unrelated news, some recently-kidnapped members of Miodrag Mejdina’s family have just been released by an unknown captor, although many of the children have had their fingers chopped off and the phrase ‘This is a warning. Never rat on me again’ tattooed across their foreheads. Oh, we’re just kidding. OR ARE WE?

Following Miodrag Mejdina’s apology, we’d also like to apologise to Naomi Campbell. We, like the rest of the press, may have leapt upon the story of your alleged attack on your driver with relish – lustily recounting all the other times you’ve gone batshit and tried to break everything in sight and painting you as a violent caricature of a bulge-eyed, hair-trigger lunatic – but we were wrong.

Because now that your driver has apologised for blowing the incident out of proportion, Naomi Campbell, we can see that we got you all wrong. You’re a sweetheart, deep down. You literally wouldn’t hurt a fly. So we’re sorry. Please forgive us. And, whatever you do, please don’t attempt to stave in our skull with your phone any time soon. Thanks.

Our apology was completely warranted, by the way. All the accusations of the last few days have really got to Naomi Campbell and, now that Miodrag Mejdina has admitted that calling the police was a little out of line, she’s finally decided to speak out about this week’s incident herself. And, surprisingly, by ‘speak out’ we don’t mean ‘climb on top of the nearest car, scream “I’LL KILL YOU ALL, YOU BASTARDS” and then start hurling giant chunks of masonry at strangers until she’s the only person left alive within a three-mile radius before breaking down and weeping at what she’s become’.

No. In Naomi Campbell terms, she was actually quite level-headed about it all. People reports:

“I was accused of unacceptable behavior towards a driver in New York,” the supermodel says in a statement. “I have worked very hard on correcting my previous wrongdoings and I will not be held hostage to my past… I try to treat everyone with respect and I am pleased the driver has apologized,” she says. “I would like to put the last few days behind me and move on.”

That’s absolutely right. Naomi Campbell shouldn’t be held hostage to her past. After all, if we know Naomi Campbell, she’d only end up staging an impromptu 24-style jailbreak against her past, possibly by shivving several of her past’s guards in the throat with a handmade shank and then barging into her past’s office to bludgeon it with her bare fists until she was pulled off its lifeless body. Nobody wants that.

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A leopard can’t change its spots, but it’d probably try if Naomi Campbell smacked it around for long enough.

And she would, too. Because Naomi Campbell fears nothing. After being arrested approximately a million times for attacking people just because she felt like it, Naomi Campbell has now been accused of attacking yet another underling – this time it was her chauffeur, whose head she allegedly punched so hard that he was thrown forward and smashed his face onto his steering wheel.

However, it’s unlikely that Naomi Campbell will be charged for the incident. That’s not because it’s hard to prove she did it, though. It’s because, if she was taken in for questioning, Naomi Campbell would probably punch the police station to the ground, eat the rubble and then blind everyone by farting shards of gravel into their eyes. Seriously, you don’t mess with Naomi Campbell.

Honestly, what sort of idiot works for Naomi Campbell these days? We know the economy is tough and people have to take what they can get and all, but really? Naomi Campbell? Wouldn’t you be better off finding a safer job, like a deep sea fisherman or a test pilot for experimental aircraft or someone paid to deliberately provoke wild crocodiles by dressing up as a clown and trying to push a string of uncooked sausages up their bum while singing the greatest hits of Aqua through a megaphone at them?

Because look what happens to people when they work for Naomi Campbell. Look what happened to the PA she assaulted with her BlackBerry. Or the maid who she assaulted with her BlackBerry. Or the time she allegedly assaulted her drug counsellor. Working for Naomi Campbell should be an absolute last resort, and even then it shouldn’t be attempted without the assistance of an armour-plated uniform, a riot shield, an attack dog and a handmade cushion with at least one reassuring phrase embroidered across it.

Sadly, this isn’t something that Miodrag Mejdina took into consideration when he agreed to become Naomi Campbell’s chauffeur. Hopefully the steering wheel indentation in his skull that he allegedly received at the hands of Campbell yesterday will act as a permanent reminder that he should never be that stupid again. The New York Post reports:

The volatile diva allegedly struck Miodrag Mejdina, 27, of Ridgewood, Queens, hard enough to send his head into the steering wheel — leaving him with a bruise under his left eye, according to police sources. She was apparently furious over the fact that Mejdina, who also has chauffeured her boyfriend, refused to snitch on her beau and tell her whether he was cheating on her, sources said.

Although this sounds serious, you’ll be pleased to know that altercation ended well for everyone. Naomi Campbell will be pleased to know that Mejdina has decided not to pursue charges against her, which means that she lives to – literally – fight another day. And Miodrag Mejdina will be pleased to know that Naomi Campbell only allegedly punched him in the back of the head several times instead of, say, picking the car up by the boot, smashing it against the side of two or three buildings and then frisbeeing it into the sun.

So, you see, sometimes Naomi Campbell’s violent temper can be a force for good, too. We can’t wait until she decides to improve our life by cracking our cheekbone with a laptop or whatever. We live in hope.

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First, a clarification – Rip Torn has the best celebrity arrest of all time. The man’s a genius. He’s untouchable.

He’s 78 years old and he broke into a bank, holding a loaded gun, because he was so drunk that he thought it was his own house. Nobody on the face on the planet has ever done anything that brilliant. Rip Torn, we want you to be our grandpa.

But, although he has the best celebrity arrest in history, he hasn’t got the only celebrity arrest in history. Celebrities literally can’t stop getting arrested and, since celebrities are on average 15 times stupider than normal people, their arrests are often quite hilarious. Take a look…

10 – Naomi Campbell

There are places where you’re allowed to be a bit angry. Boxing rings, for instance. Or pub car parks. But planes? No. Act out of line on a plane and you could end up being attacked by dogs. Or  getting shot at. Or someone might stick their fingers up your bum. Not that Naomi Campbell cared about any of that in 2008, when she went berserk over some lost luggage and ended up lashing out at a policeman. She’s a lovely girl really.

9 – The Game

You don’t hear much from The Game these days, do you? That’s either because a) the only way he could have picked a less Google-friendly nameis if he called himself The, or b) because he’s not very good. Still, at least he’ll always go down in history as being the rapper with the stupidest arrest story of all. Drugs? No. Guns? No. Putting on a Halloween mask in a shopping centre and swearing so loudly that he ended up getting pepper-sprayed? Um, yes. The Game, you are a genius.

8 – Hugh Grant

Getting a blowjob from a prostitute? Forgiveable. Getting a blowjob from a prostitute when you’ve already got a girlfriend? Less forgiveable. Getting a blowjob from a prostitute in a car in front of a policeman? Stupid. Getting a blowjob from a prostitute in a car in front of a policeman when your girlfriend is Liz Hurley? Hugh Grant, you really can be an awful wazzock.

7 – Lindsay Lohan

Anyone can get arrested. Some people can even get arrested for getting drunk and driving a car full of terrified passengers around. A choice handful might even have cocaine in their pockets as they do it. But only Lindsay Lohan, only dear sweet Lindsay Lohan, would preface all of this by screaming “I’m a celebrity, I can do whatever the fuck I want” just to make it perfectly clear that she isn’t very likeable, as she did in 2007. For that, Lindsay, we thank you. Sort of.

6 – Paul Reubens

When you watch Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, you don’t ever get the impression that Pee-Wee is the sort of person who’d be arrested for wanking in a cinema, do you? Well apparently he is. Ick.

5 – George Michael

When you watch a George Michael video, you don’t ever get the impression that George is the sort of person who’d be arrested for wanking in a public toilet, would… oh, yes. Yes you would. Sorry.

4 – Foxy Brown

It takes a very special woman to make Naomi Campbell look approachable and meek, but then again Foxy Brown is a very special woman. Arrested once for fighting the staff of a nail salon over some change, arrested again for trashing a shop because she was trying to fix her hair while it was closing, and arrested yet again for smashing her neighbour’s face in with a BlackBerry, Foxy Brown doesn’t do anything by halves. Apart from rapping, obviously. She isn’t particularly good at that if we remember correctly.

3 – Gary Coleman

As with Foxy Brown, Gary Coleman is a tiny, past-his-prime human with a penchant for ridiculous arrests. But the most ridiculous, even more ridiculous than the time he was arrested for punching the inside of his own car, came during an evening out at a bowling alley. A man asked to take a picture of Gary Coleman, and Coleman refused on the basis that photos of him cost $20. The man tried to take one anyway and, in the ensuing scuffle, Gary Coleman knocked him over with a truck. Not a toy truck, either – a real, full-sized truck. And that’s how we fell in love with Gary Coleman again.

2 – Mel Gibson

You all know the story, so we’ll just cut to the chase and give you the wonderful quote instead: “My life is fucked. I’m not going to get in your car… You motherfucker. I’m going to fuck you… Fucking Jews… The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Are you a Jew?… What do you think you’re looking at, Sugartits?” Perfection.

1 – James Brown

September 1988. We’ll quote this one from The Guardian:

James Brown, toting pistol and shotgun, marched into an insurance seminar next door to his offices in Augusta, pissed off that someone had used his toilet without permission. Cops were called and a chase ensued over the state line into South Carolina. After 23 bullets were emptied into his tyres, Brown finally emerged from his vehicle – allegedly singing ‘Georgia on My Mind’.

Oh James Brown, why can’t your ghost come and haunt us, you mental old sod.

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We love Sports Illustrated swimwear models here at hecklerspray.

Sure, we like looking at the pictures of beautiful girls but we also like to think they are performing an important role of getting more people interested in swimming. Well, put it this way, nothing has made us more interested in the breaststroke than the thought of a lovely girl in a tight-fitting bikini.

OK, enough of the terrible jokes and roll on the pictures of half-naked women…

30. Isabeli Fontana

29. Angela Lindvall

28. Selita Ebanks

27. Julie Henderson

26. Irina Sheik

25. Oluchi Onweagba

24. Bridget Hall

23. Melissa Haro

22. Kim Alexis

21. Cheryl Tiegs

20. Niki Taylor

19. Christie Brinkley

18. Naomi Campbell

17. Cindy Crawford

16. Rachel Hunter

15. Daniela Pestova

14. Bar Rafaeli

13. Beyonce Knowles

12. Ana Beatriz Barros

11. Michelle Behennah

10. Anna Kournikova

9. Veronika Varekova

8. Elle Macpherson

7. Molly Sims

6. Tyra Banks

5. Kathy Ireland

4. Chandra North

3. Marisa Miller

2. Heidi Klum

1. Rebecca Romijn

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Stop the press! Naomi Campbell has just done the unthinkable – she’s settled out of court with one of her maids.

Why is that the unthinkable? Simple, because it’s the only time in history that the phrases ‘Naomi Campbell’ and ‘maid’ haven’t been directly accompanied by the phrase ‘blood… so much blood… someone make it stop… oh, the humanity!’

But, anyway, Naomi Campbell has settled out of court with a maid who claims she assaulted her in 2006 when she couldn’t find some jeans. This leaves Naomi free to pursue her other interests, which we presume involve bare-knuckle fighting and punching the wind in the face.

We’ve often wondered why Naomi Campbell hasn’t been asked to become a judge on something like X Factor. And then we remember why – it’s because, at the first sign of a bum note, Naomi Campbell would vault over her judging desk and start bludgeoning the poor performer’s head against the drum riser until she passed out from exhaustion. We assume.

Instances of Naomi Campbell rage attacks are like chocolates – everyone’s got their favourite. The early adopters like the original, where Naomi Campbell is alleged to have smacked a bejewelled Blackberry into her assistant’s head. The classicists like the most notorious encounter, where Naomi flung her phone into the back of her maid’s skull. The absurdists? They like the time Naomi Campbell allegedly punched a boat into splinters because she took offence at a plate of food. And then there’s Naomi’s aeroplane wig-out for the newbies. Everyone’s happy.

But us? We’ve got a soft spot for Naomi Campbell’s encounter with maid Gaby Gibson, because that’s when we knew there was more to Naomi Campbell than just mindless fist-swinging. It was perfect – Gibson claimed that Campbell was a ‘violent super-bigot‘ who had attacked her when she was unable to find some jeans. So far, so normal. But there’s more – Gibson said that Naomi did all that while shouting things like “You are not in the Third World any more, stupid,” and “Romanians are not usually as dumb as you.”

Genius.

Anyway, though we’d long since relegated this particular Naomi Campbell rage attack, which Naomi denied and was never charged for, to the glowing nostalgia centre of our mind – where we also keep the smell of outdoors and an image of how our eyes looked before they became completely bloodshot – it’s hopped back into the news again.

According to OK!, Naomi Campbell has decided to smooth things over with Gaby Gibson by settling up with her out of court:

It was announced this morning that the supermodel has settled with her former maid for an undisclosed figure, the NYTimes.com reports. The terms of the deal are confidential, reports the site, but both sides are said to be “happy” with it.

What? We… we don’t understand. Naomi Campbell doing something good? That doesn’t sound like our Naomi at all. Someone should hold down this so-called settlement-reacher and give her a bloody good DNA swabbing just to make sure she’s really who she says she is.

Because, seriously, if the alternative is a nice Naomi Campbell – a Naomi Campbell who bares her teeth because she’s happy and not because she’s about to tear a chunk out of your jugular and run off into the night with it – we’re just not sure we want to be part of this world any more.

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Bad news, all unfertilised sperm – the chances of you splattering into one of Naomi Campbell’s ovums has just increased exponentially.

That’s because Naomi Campbell has just recovered from an operation on her baby-making parts that’s allowed her to have children for the first time in her life. And, by God, does Naomi Campbell ever want children – she’s all over the press at the moment basically telling the world that she wants someone to knock her up.

And when Naomi Campbell tell you she wants to get pregnant, you’d better make sure you get her pregnant quicksmart, or else there’ll be trouble. And no looking her in the eye during it. And she’d better not feel it going in, otherwise you’ll be picking shards of Nokia out of your face for the next six months. Understand?

We’ve always thought that Naomi Campbell would be excellent with a baby. Not only because people are infinitely more understanding if an angry demented women happens to be pushing a buggy but also, if Naomi Campbell asks the midwife to leave the umbilical cord nice and long, she could probably use the baby against her enemies by twirling it around her head like some sort of medieval mace for a few years. What’s not to love?

Anyway, Naomi Campbell has managed to tick off most of the boxes on her life’s to-do list – you know, like shag the crap one from U2, infuriate Nelson Mandela, become a pop star in Japan, turn a boat into splinters with just her fists – and the only left is for her to have a baby. And now that could very well happen, apparently.

Remember when Naomi Campbell had her operation in Brazil earlier this year? Back then everyone thought she was just getting a cyst removed from her stomach, but apparently not – apparently they were unclogging her lady-drain. Because where once Naomi Campbell couldn’t have babies, now she’s perfectly able to bang out angry baby after angry baby whenever she likes. And she’d like to now, please. Naomi Campbell told the Press Association:

“Until March, I wasn’t able to have kids. Now I can. I was not able to have children up until March. Now it’s in God’s hands. I would love to have a family but it’s up to God. I do want to have kids. I’m 38 years old.”

That’s not a statement, that’s a Craigslist personal ad. Naomi Campbell then went on to say that her favourite colour is orange and that her hobbies include needlework, attacking her servants until they bleed and daydreaming about the magic in a child’s smile.

But if a child is what Naomi Campbell wants, there’s no reason why she shouldn’t be able to have one. In fact, it’d be quite cool to have Naomi Campbell as a mother, wouldn’t it? She’d teach you all the basic skills like English, maths and spitting on policemen, plus all your teachers would clearly be too terrified of her to ever write anything negative about you in your school report. Not to mention the fact that, being part-Campbell yourself, you’d probably have the strength to javelin a lamppost through the Sun by the time you were about six.

Ultimately, though, if Naomi Campbell does have a baby, there’s going to be a whole lot of screaming and crying and constant demands for attention and accidental shitting going on that’s bound to be highly stressful. But give the baby an few months and it’ll probably get used to it.

Nelson Mandela is probably the closest thing to a living saint we've got – he's so kindly and warm, like Santa Claus, the Werther's Original grandpa and Ronald McDonald all rolled into one.

Nelson Mandela has got nothing but pure undiluted joy for every single person in the whole wide world – or at least he would have, if Naomi Campbell wasn't such a massive angry bitch all the time.

There's a big concert being held in Hyde Park for Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday tomorrow, and Naomi Campbell was on call to introduce some of the acts. However, since her recent air rage conviction it's been reported that Nelson Mandela himself has personally intervened to remove Naomi Campbell from proceedings. Hopefully there's still time to replace Naomi with a friendlier celebrity – perhaps Amy Winehouse's husband or the ghost of Saparmurat Niyazov or something.

Hey, ever wondered what it'd take to turn Nelson Mandela into a dick? So have we – the man seems so benevolent and wise and compassionate that he's even managed to spend considerable lengths of time with Geri Halliwell without trying to smack her head off with the back of a shovel just to shut her up. He's an unflappable superman.

But what presses Nelson Mandela's buttons? Would he lose his shit if you kept poking him in the eye with a detached animal penis? Probably not. If you kept filling his shoes with gravel every time he turned his back? Again, probably not. If you sat three feet away from him playing the accordion as loudly as possible when he was trying to discuss ways to counter the spread of AIDS in Africa? No chance.

If you were arrested for furiously spitting at policemen on an aeroplane just because a bag with some of your stuff in it has gone missing? That's more like it. Nelson Mandela hates it when people do that. He hates it enough to personally intervene and publicly humiliate anyone who does it by uninviting them to his birthday party. 

And since Naomi Campbell is the only person on Earth who's done that lately, she's copped the full brunt of Mandela's grumpiness. Apparently Naomi Campbell was going to be used to introduce acts at Nelson Mandela's big birthday concert in Hyde Park tomorrow, but since she made such an arse of herself on the plane – and subsequently when she claimed she was just reacting to racism – she's apparently been told that her services are no longer required. The Press Association reports:

A source close to the concert said: "People were disappointed by what happened – in the past she had spoken to Mandela about her anger. It's not the behaviour of a charity ambassador. Mandela would have had a say. It's fair to say he was behind the decision. There's an aspect of him being upset by the whole situation."

What's probably most hurtful to Nelson Mandela is the fact that when Naomi Campbell was lashing out like a berserko fruitcake on the plane, she was wearing a baseball cap promoting Mandela's charity 46664. Attacking the police in a charity baseball cap never goes down particularly well, but we assumed that Naomi Campbell would have got away with it – surely most people assumed that 46664 was just a running total of servants who Naomi Campbell had punched in the face so far that week.

Anyway, full credit to Nelson Mandela for standing up to Naomi Campbell so bravely. His courage knows no bounds – because, honestly, 18 years in prison on an island is going to seem like nothing once Naomi Campbell hears about this snub and dedicates the rest of her life to trying to push a smartphone through one of his eye sockets.

So you've just pleaded guilty to kicking and spitting at police officers on a plane because some of your luggage went missing – what do you do now?

Well, logic and common sense dictates that it might be wise to quietly accept your punishment while simultaneously attempting to stem the white hot temper that flares up like clockwork every few months and makes you look like a prize dicksplat in front of the entire world.

Or, if you're Naomi Campbell, you find the nearest camera crew and start blathering on furiously about how you only got angry because someone on the plane called you a 'golliwog supermodel' even though you didn't actually mention anything about that during the trial. Deep down, they're both the same.

Anyone who's ever been on a plane has wanted to lash out at some point or another, whether it's at the sleeping lady who's drooling on your shoulder or the morbidly obese chap in front of you who's decided to recline his seat straight onto your knees without asking first. And, hey, who hasn't wanted to flush a crying baby down an aeroplane toilet simply because it was spoiling your enjoyment of National Treasure 2? That's all perfectly normal human behaviour.

But when you kick and spit at police officers because some of your luggage has gone missing, well that's just utterly unacceptable. Even Naomi Campbell knows that – which is good, because admittedly she does tend to do it more than most.

Last week Naomi Campbell pleaded guilty to assaulting police officers after her weird little kicky tantrum on a plane in April. At the time most people wrote the outburst off as just another one of Naomi Campbell's awkward argumentative flare-ups – after all, you can count the number of people who Naomi Campbell hasn't beaten up on the fingers of the hand that Naomi Campbell slammed in a car door because she caught you looking at her without asking – but now there's been a dramatic new revelation. Well, dramatic or made up – it's quite hard to tell.

Apparently Naomi Campbell only spazzed out so badly because someone on the plane used a weirdly outdated racial slur towards her. Apparently. The Telegraph reports:

Campbell, who kicked and spat at police when they tried to remove her from a flight bound for Los Angeles, told Sky News: "I was called a racial name on that flight and that was part of my reaction. I was called a 'golliwog supermodel' – I don't think that's really fair, do you?" The airline has denied the claim. "British Airways does not accept any allegations of racism," it said in a statement. "We are proud of our diversity."

Oddly enough, Naomi Campbell didn't think to mention this alleged racial incident at any point during her criminal trial, only deciding to tell Sky News about it after she'd pleaded guilty to her charges. Which is strange, given that it seems like quite an important part of the story. It almost seems as if Naomi Campbell just made it up to try and make herself look less of a deranged batshit mentalist than she actually is.

We wouldn't dream of suggesting that, though – not because we respect the validity of Naomi Campbell's claims or anything, but because we're terrified that Naomi Campbell will come round our house one night and smash our faces in with a candelabra or set fire to our dog or something. Not our faces, Naomi. Not our beautiful faces.

It was just a month or two ago when Naomi Campbell caused a stink on a British Airways flight.

At the time she claimed to be the victim of racism or something, and also she claimed that it wasn't her fault because the captain wouldn't let her sit in his posh seat for the flight's entire duration, and anybody else would have reacted similarly if placed in the same situation.

But maybe we exaggerated a tad there. Anyhow – she's in court for the whole mess right now – and she's pleaded…..guilty.

This action could result in regular state-provided dinners and a cellmate to scratch at.

Naomi Campbell has been to court at least a thousand times. In fact it could even be argued that she's such a common fixture there that is she showed up with a long black robe and a gavel, a bailiff might mistakenly escort her up to the judge's throne.

If memory serves correctly her last court appearance ended with her having to clean things with a mop. If memory serves even more correctly, when her hours were up every single co-worker wept on her neck and gave her a cake.

OK, so our memory isn't always that correct. But Campbell's legal woes continue – she got officially charged for her airport trouble almost a month ago, and today, apparently, she's pleaded guilty. E! Online has the skinny:

"The trouble-prone catwalker pleaded guilty today to assaulting two police officers after causing a stink aboard a BA flight at London's Heathrow Airport in April, charges that could land her serious jail time…when she finally made it inside, she copped to six charges in total—three counts of assaulting a constable, one of disorderly conduct likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress and two of using threatening, abusive words or behavior to cabin crew. The guilty plea could nab the runway star a maximum six-month prison sentence and a fine of $10,000."

So will she actually get locked up for her insane temper this time? Her maid that probably still has a blackberry lodged in her left eye socket certainly hopes so. Probably. But we think her imprisonment isn't such a good idea.

Think about it – she's already angry all the time. Imagine if she learned how to fight with a shank.

Now that's an airplane we would not want to be on.

To read more, see "Naomi Campbell pleads guilty in 'air rage' case" on The Associated Press

Did you know it’s the unassailable right of all British people to attack and abuse police officers if their luggage goes missing on a plane?

It’s true, we read it in a book once. Wait, what’s that? It’s not the unassailable right of all British people to beat up a policeman in a strop? Oh, well that’s Naomi Campbell screwed, then.

Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault after her alleged screaming meltdown on a plane las month. If found guilty then Naomi could find herself saddled with a six-month jail sentence. According to her lawyer, Naomi Campbell wants these charges dealt with ‘expeditiously’ – which we think is polite speak for “Woaaargh! You titting prick-ends! It wasn’t me! Do you who I am? I’ll kill you! I’ll KILL YOU!” But don’t quote us on that.

Put certain things together and you’re asking for trouble, as anyone who’s ever tried weeing into a plugged-in toaster will happily attest. So putting Naomi Campbell into Heathrow airport was always going to be a mistake.

Maybe because it’s so relentlessly grim and tatty, Heathrow airport has something of a reputation for sending celebrities berserk. Whether it’s Snoop Dogg starting an actual violent riot or David Hasselhoff wetting himself and then staggering around all pee-pantsed, Heathrow seems to do something to normally mild-mannered personalities.

And that’s mild-mannered personalities, so just imagine what it’d do to Naomi Campbell – a woman who once destroyed a yacht with her bare hands because she didn’t like a certain type of salad. Who are we kidding? Everyone knows what it did to Naomi Campbell.

On April 3, after the Terminal Five bungle misplaced her luggage, Naomi Campbell apparently threw a great big wibble, screamed at everyone and assaulted some police officers with either her fists or wads of her saliva depending on what you read. Naomi’s been banned from British Airways as a result – something she’s protesting by not going on any more of its flights – but the big news is that yesterday she was formally charged with assault. The Mirror reports:

She was charged with three counts of assault, two of using threatening, abusive words or behaviour to cabin crew and one of disorderly conduct. The penalty for assaulting a constable is up to six months in jail or a fine of £5,000 … [Lawyer] Mr Nicholls said: “She’s bitterly disappointed that she is to be prosecuted. She respects the decision and hopes the matter is dealt with expeditiously.”

Being charged with assault must come as an awful shock to Naomi Campbell, who’s got absolutely no frame of reference for any of this, barring all those other times she’s previously been charged with assault, naturally. Who knows how she’ll react to this? Who said ‘violently’? Yes, we expect you’re probably right.

But Naomi Campbell has no need to worry, because hecklerspray is determined to throw its weight behind a campaign to keep Naomi Campbell out of jail. Because, let’s be fair, if Naomi Campbell spent six months in prison, then we’d be deprived of the 18 subnormal public batshit Campbell tantrums she’s got pencilled in for that period. And that’s just bad for business.

The American founding fathers put several days of blood, sweat and tears into freeing themselves from their British captors, and when they finally succeeded they didn’t even do anything that good to celebrate.

Sure, they erected a French statue that they got for free to commemorate something or other, but is that really so great? Seriously – Lady Liberty’s not even straddling anything. If Britain were to re-enslave the States today, and America re-revolutionary warred themselves into the ultimate democracy, all resulting commemorations would be infinitely better.

For example, any statue erected today might be of Naomi Campbell straddling a tank cannon like it was a longer, narrower Shetland pony. You know – exactly like the statue some mildly famous artist is apparently planning to build.

Other than that everything would be the same though.

There’s been no shortage of celebrity-related statue stories on the ol’ HS. Britney Spears got one back when she was a fit mother. Fonzie got one long after Spears was a fit mother, and there’s the exact-lifelike Madonna statue Stu made out of used gum that he ogles every time he thinks he’s alone and the rest of us aren’t watching from behind the thin plastic tree in the break room.

Also there’s been no shortage of Naomi Campbell stories here either. There’s the time she broke a boat with her fists, the time she broke a maid or something with a phone, and there’s the time she probably broke her phone with her maid or something.

Never before have those two apparently common topics collided though – until now – somebody’s making a statue of her. Sorry, did we not pluralise statue? Because we should have – Nick Knight’s gonna make a whole bunch of ‘em. The Independent says:

“He scanned Campbell “straddling the barrel of a large tank” which will form one sculpture. Another will be a “circle of three Naomis, like The Three Graces”, but designed to be viewed from within the circle and in a darkened room.”

Standing in the middle of three gigantic Campbell’s is terrifying prospect for everybody but Hugo Chavez. Especially if they’re all pointing at you or something – imagine that?

Terrifying.

OK, we take back every single bad thing we ever said about Naomi Campbell – she’s finally convinced us that she’s a genius.

We mean it. Naomi Campbell is a genius. Only a genius could do something as flat-out berserk as what Naomi Campbell’s just done.

Recently Naomi Campbell was banned from flying with British Airways for life for spitting on a policeman in the middle of a violent tantrum about luggage. So, naturally, Naomi Campbell has made a huge point of boycotting British Airways, even though it’s already banned her. Seriously. Indiscriminate violence and a dangerously flawed mental process? We can’t figure out why nobody’s married a catch like that yet.

We’re starting a genuine campaign right now. We want Naomi Campbell to be the new host of Watchdog. We’re not making this up. We have three main reasons for wanting this: 1) Naomi Campbell is a stone cold consumer champion. 2) If any company CEOs tried to give her the runaround, she’d be straight down their offices ready to punch everything to splinters. 3) It’d make Nicky Campbell slightly less employed, which we’re all for.

But really, Naomi Campbell is an honest to goodness consumer champion. Earlier this month, you see, Naomi Campbell suffered a taste of the hellish luggage problems that customers at Heathrow airport’s newly-opened Terminal Five have been experiencing. And because of that – and only that – Naomi Campbell has decided to boycott British Airways forever.

Speaking about her decision to boycott British Airways while in Brazil, golden consumer idol Naomi Campbell said:

“Someone from BA called me and asked that I return to fly with them but this will not occur so early. They didn’t find my bag – said it wasn’t in the system – and there was a complete disrespect for the passengers. You Brazilians went through the same problem last year. The case in Terminal 5 at Heathrow was the same thing and I am not speaking for myself. I am speaking for all those who have been disrespected.”

What a wonderful, wonderful person Naomi Campbell is. She’s boycotting British Airways because it treated the people shoddily, and Naomi Campbell stands up for the people no matter what.

In other completely unrelated news, British Airways is the airline that recently banned Naomi Campbell forever because she attacked a policeman when her luggage went missing.

However, even though she flew into a galactic rage and flobbed up on a copper, Naomi Campbell was merely cautioned for the tantrum. And it seems that British Airways wants to make amends, if Naomi’s stories of pleading phone calls are correct. They are correct aren’t they, The Times?

A BA insider told London’s Evening Standard paper: “We are not aware of any pleading phone calls to Ms Campbell.”

Oh. Well, anyway, good for Naomi Campbell for boycotting British Airways in any case. Someone needs to stand up to these giant faceless corporations, and who better to do so than a alarmingly violent woman who can hardly seem to go more than a couple of days without assaulting someone’s skull off or destroying a boat? Naomi Campbell, we salute you.

By the way, we’re serious about getting Naomi Campbell that Watchdog job. Here’s where you can contact the show to make the case for her employment. Quite frankly we’ve waited too long to see the chairman of British Gas getting his face smashed in by a screaming, froth-mouthed woman holding a telephone.

Read more:

Naomi Campbell boycotts BA in Terminal 5 protest - Times

It has long been foretold that Naomi Campbell’s blood would spill forth upon the land, creeping into every house, every street and every unfortunate gaping mouth that happens to be astounded by the sight of such a big red tidal wave.

In recent years theologians have stated that all the signs are in place, and that the apocalyptic super-model’s body explosion would happen any day now. We’re still waiting.

Let’s hope it doesn’t happen anytime soon either – because as it stands right now her blood isn’t even good enough to save under-weight mosquito children. Well we think that’s how it stands.

We’ve actually only read headlines on the matter.

When Naomi Campbell’s temper flared on an airline and she spit on Caucasian police officers while shouting vile, vile racist remarks at them, it wasn’t her fault. She’s got bad blood, you see. And when you have bad blood then your blood-bubbles can only carry bad messages to your brain. That’s what happened to her, though the popular media is slow to admit this.

We now know she’s got bad blood though, because several Brazilian doctors just told her so. And they know because the bones they rolled landed that way. E! Online gets specific:

“Campbell arrived at the city’s HemoRio medical center on Tuesday to take part in the campaign to collect blood to combat Brazil’s current dengue fever epidemic. The outbreak is the worst in the nation’s history and has already infected more than 75,000 people and killed at least 80 in Rio state…Officials were forced to turn her away because not enough time has elapsed since she had surgery in February for her to be eligible to donate.”

Plus – what would happen if her blood got transfused into more than one person down there. And worse yet – what if her blood got put in people that work in blackberry factories, live on yachts and have steel tipped fists?

Mayhem, that’s what would happen. Well it’s a good thing then that those Brazilian doctors read the smoke plumes that rose up from under the pile of burning virgins correctly and refused Campbell’s germy donation.

It’s simply not worth the risk.

Read More:

Brazil Rejects Naomi Campbell Blood Offer – AFP

Naomi Campbell has escaped serious punishment for her spazzy airport tantrum last week, possibly because the police know that no prison's puny metal bars can contain a force of nature that terrifying.

Instead, Naomi Campbell has walked away with nothing more than a caution – the slap on the wrist usually doled out to naughty schoolboys.

But a punishment is a punishment, and Naomi Campbell will no doubt learn some very important lessons on to become a better person from it. Or she'll try and genetically bind her DNA with that of a dilophosaurus so that the next time she spits at a policemen her acidic saliva will melt his eyes and leave him vulnerable enough for her to slash open his belly with her ferocious talons. Which is probably more likely.

The recent botched opening of Heathrow's Terminal 5 left many officials with egg on their faces. But one lucky official was able to wipe the egg off his face because he could use Naomi Campbell's hawked-up greenies as a manky lubricant, the lucky sod.

You'll remember from last week that Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow because her baggage went missing and she got angry – a reaction that nobody could have possibly expected from someone as dainty as Naomi Campbell.

At the time it was reported that Naomi Campbell was arrested for assaulting a police officer, leading us to believe that she'd either torn his jaw out or snapped him in half and drank his spinal fluid. However, it later emerged that Naomi merely spat at the officer, which is a bit lame given that she once smashed a boat up because she didn't like the kind of cheese that a waiter offered her. 

And now it's turned out that Naomi Campbell has been cautioned for the spit-attack, meaning that she'll escape any changes for it. Marie Claire reports:

The quick-tempered supermodel is currently free on bail following her arrest and removal from an LA-bound flight at Heathrow's troubled Terminal 5 last week. She risked being charged with an aggravated felony by police, after allegedly spitting at an officer, and legal experts predicted the charge could have resulted in a US visa ban, preventing her from modelling in the States. But police are reportedly not looking to take further action against the catwalk star – if she accepts a caution. A police source told a tabloid: 'The Crown Prosecution Service will be consulted, but the expected outcome is a caution.' 

Now, admittedly Naomi Campbell spitting at a policeman isn't a particularly serious offense, but that's only on Naomi Campbell's sliding scale of terrifying violence. A glob of phlegm won't do the same amount of damage as, say, a mobile phone that's been hurtled at your skull at the speed of light. But, still, a simple caution seems to be nothing more than a green light for Naomi Campbell to continue her horrific reign of atrocities.

A caution might seem like the simplest option to end this mess now, but we'd just like the police to know that when Naomi Campbell inevitably catapults a petrol tanker into the side of a primary school because someone didn't compliment her on her nice new hat sincerely enough, then they'll have nobody to blame but themselves.

Read more:

Naomi Campbell cautioned over 'assault' – Marie Claire