We love Sports Illustrated swimwear models here at hecklerspray.

Sure, we like looking at the pictures of beautiful girls but we also like to think they are performing an important role of getting more people interested in swimming. Well, put it this way, nothing has made us more interested in the breaststroke than the thought of a lovely girl in a tight-fitting bikini.

OK, enough of the terrible jokes and roll on the pictures of half-naked women…

30. Isabeli Fontana

29. Angela Lindvall

28. Selita Ebanks

27. Julie Henderson

26. Irina Sheik

25. Oluchi Onweagba

24. Bridget Hall

23. Melissa Haro

22. Kim Alexis

21. Cheryl Tiegs

20. Niki Taylor

19. Christie Brinkley

18. Naomi Campbell

17. Cindy Crawford

16. Rachel Hunter

15. Daniela Pestova

14. Bar Rafaeli

13. Beyonce Knowles

12. Ana Beatriz Barros

11. Michelle Behennah

10. Anna Kournikova

9. Veronika Varekova

8. Elle Macpherson

7. Molly Sims

6. Tyra Banks

5. Kathy Ireland

4. Chandra North

3. Marisa Miller

2. Heidi Klum

1. Rebecca Romijn

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Why is that the unthinkable? Simple, because it’s the only time in history that the phrases ‘Naomi Campbell’ and ‘maid’ haven’t been directly accompanied by the phrase ‘blood… so much blood… someone make it stop… oh, the humanity!’

But, anyway, Naomi Campbell has settled out of court with a maid who claims she assaulted her in 2006 when she couldn’t find some jeans. This leaves Naomi free to pursue her other interests, which we presume involve bare-knuckle fighting and punching the wind in the face.

We’ve often wondered why Naomi Campbell hasn’t been asked to become a judge on something like X Factor. And then we remember why – it’s because, at the first sign of a bum note, Naomi Campbell would vault over her judging desk and start bludgeoning the poor performer’s head against the drum riser until she passed out from exhaustion. We assume.

Instances of Naomi Campbell rage attacks are like chocolates – everyone’s got their favourite. The early adopters like the original, where Naomi Campbell is alleged to have smacked a bejewelled Blackberry into her assistant’s head. The classicists like the most notorious encounter, where Naomi flung her phone into the back of her maid’s skull. The absurdists? They like the time Naomi Campbell allegedly punched a boat into splinters because she took offence at a plate of food. And then there’s Naomi’s aeroplane wig-out for the newbies. Everyone’s happy.

But us? We’ve got a soft spot for Naomi Campbell’s encounter with maid Gaby Gibson, because that’s when we knew there was more to Naomi Campbell than just mindless fist-swinging. It was perfect – Gibson claimed that Campbell was a ‘violent super-bigot‘ who had attacked her when she was unable to find some jeans. So far, so normal. But there’s more – Gibson said that Naomi did all that while shouting things like “You are not in the Third World any more, stupid,” and “Romanians are not usually as dumb as you.”

Genius.

Anyway, though we’d long since relegated this particular Naomi Campbell rage attack, which Naomi denied and was never charged for, to the glowing nostalgia centre of our mind – where we also keep the smell of outdoors and an image of how our eyes looked before they became completely bloodshot – it’s hopped back into the news again.

According to OK!, Naomi Campbell has decided to smooth things over with Gaby Gibson by settling up with her out of court:

It was announced this morning that the supermodel has settled with her former maid for an undisclosed figure, the NYTimes.com reports. The terms of the deal are confidential, reports the site, but both sides are said to be “happy” with it.

What? We… we don’t understand. Naomi Campbell doing something good? That doesn’t sound like our Naomi at all. Someone should hold down this so-called settlement-reacher and give her a bloody good DNA swabbing just to make sure she’s really who she says she is.

Because, seriously, if the alternative is a nice Naomi Campbell – a Naomi Campbell who bares her teeth because she’s happy and not because she’s about to tear a chunk out of your jugular and run off into the night with it – we’re just not sure we want to be part of this world any more.

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That’s because Naomi Campbell has just recovered from an operation on her baby-making parts that’s allowed her to have children for the first time in her life. And, by God, does Naomi Campbell ever want children – she’s all over the press at the moment basically telling the world that she wants someone to knock her up.

And when Naomi Campbell tell you she wants to get pregnant, you’d better make sure you get her pregnant quicksmart, or else there’ll be trouble. And no looking her in the eye during it. And she’d better not feel it going in, otherwise you’ll be picking shards of Nokia out of your face for the next six months. Understand?

We’ve always thought that Naomi Campbell would be excellent with a baby. Not only because people are infinitely more understanding if an angry demented women happens to be pushing a buggy but also, if Naomi Campbell asks the midwife to leave the umbilical cord nice and long, she could probably use the baby against her enemies by twirling it around her head like some sort of medieval mace for a few years. What’s not to love?

Anyway, Naomi Campbell has managed to tick off most of the boxes on her life’s to-do list – you know, like shag the crap one from U2, infuriate Nelson Mandela, become a pop star in Japan, turn a boat into splinters with just her fists – and the only left is for her to have a baby. And now that could very well happen, apparently.

Remember when Naomi Campbell had her operation in Brazil earlier this year? Back then everyone thought she was just getting a cyst removed from her stomach, but apparently not – apparently they were unclogging her lady-drain. Because where once Naomi Campbell couldn’t have babies, now she’s perfectly able to bang out angry baby after angry baby whenever she likes. And she’d like to now, please. Naomi Campbell told the Press Association:

“Until March, I wasn’t able to have kids. Now I can. I was not able to have children up until March. Now it’s in God’s hands. I would love to have a family but it’s up to God. I do want to have kids. I’m 38 years old.”

That’s not a statement, that’s a Craigslist personal ad. Naomi Campbell then went on to say that her favourite colour is orange and that her hobbies include needlework, attacking her servants until they bleed and daydreaming about the magic in a child’s smile.

But if a child is what Naomi Campbell wants, there’s no reason why she shouldn’t be able to have one. In fact, it’d be quite cool to have Naomi Campbell as a mother, wouldn’t it? She’d teach you all the basic skills like English, maths and spitting on policemen, plus all your teachers would clearly be too terrified of her to ever write anything negative about you in your school report. Not to mention the fact that, being part-Campbell yourself, you’d probably have the strength to javelin a lamppost through the Sun by the time you were about six.

Ultimately, though, if Naomi Campbell does have a baby, there’s going to be a whole lot of screaming and crying and constant demands for attention and accidental shitting going on that’s bound to be highly stressful. But give the baby an few months and it’ll probably get used to it.

Nelson Mandela has got nothing but pure undiluted joy for every single person in the whole wide world – or at least he would have, if Naomi Campbell wasn't such a massive angry bitch all the time.

There's a big concert being held in Hyde Park for Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday tomorrow, and Naomi Campbell was on call to introduce some of the acts. However, since her recent air rage conviction it's been reported that Nelson Mandela himself has personally intervened to remove Naomi Campbell from proceedings. Hopefully there's still time to replace Naomi with a friendlier celebrity – perhaps Amy Winehouse's husband or the ghost of Saparmurat Niyazov or something.

Hey, ever wondered what it'd take to turn Nelson Mandela into a dick? So have we – the man seems so benevolent and wise and compassionate that he's even managed to spend considerable lengths of time with Geri Halliwell without trying to smack her head off with the back of a shovel just to shut her up. He's an unflappable superman.

But what presses Nelson Mandela's buttons? Would he lose his shit if you kept poking him in the eye with a detached animal penis? Probably not. If you kept filling his shoes with gravel every time he turned his back? Again, probably not. If you sat three feet away from him playing the accordion as loudly as possible when he was trying to discuss ways to counter the spread of AIDS in Africa? No chance.

If you were arrested for furiously spitting at policemen on an aeroplane just because a bag with some of your stuff in it has gone missing? That's more like it. Nelson Mandela hates it when people do that. He hates it enough to personally intervene and publicly humiliate anyone who does it by uninviting them to his birthday party. 

And since Naomi Campbell is the only person on Earth who's done that lately, she's copped the full brunt of Mandela's grumpiness. Apparently Naomi Campbell was going to be used to introduce acts at Nelson Mandela's big birthday concert in Hyde Park tomorrow, but since she made such an arse of herself on the plane – and subsequently when she claimed she was just reacting to racism – she's apparently been told that her services are no longer required. The Press Association reports:

A source close to the concert said: "People were disappointed by what happened – in the past she had spoken to Mandela about her anger. It's not the behaviour of a charity ambassador. Mandela would have had a say. It's fair to say he was behind the decision. There's an aspect of him being upset by the whole situation."

What's probably most hurtful to Nelson Mandela is the fact that when Naomi Campbell was lashing out like a berserko fruitcake on the plane, she was wearing a baseball cap promoting Mandela's charity 46664. Attacking the police in a charity baseball cap never goes down particularly well, but we assumed that Naomi Campbell would have got away with it – surely most people assumed that 46664 was just a running total of servants who Naomi Campbell had punched in the face so far that week.

Anyway, full credit to Nelson Mandela for standing up to Naomi Campbell so bravely. His courage knows no bounds – because, honestly, 18 years in prison on an island is going to seem like nothing once Naomi Campbell hears about this snub and dedicates the rest of her life to trying to push a smartphone through one of his eye sockets.

Well, logic and common sense dictates that it might be wise to quietly accept your punishment while simultaneously attempting to stem the white hot temper that flares up like clockwork every few months and makes you look like a prize dicksplat in front of the entire world.

Or, if you're Naomi Campbell, you find the nearest camera crew and start blathering on furiously about how you only got angry because someone on the plane called you a 'golliwog supermodel' even though you didn't actually mention anything about that during the trial. Deep down, they're both the same.

Anyone who's ever been on a plane has wanted to lash out at some point or another, whether it's at the sleeping lady who's drooling on your shoulder or the morbidly obese chap in front of you who's decided to recline his seat straight onto your knees without asking first. And, hey, who hasn't wanted to flush a crying baby down an aeroplane toilet simply because it was spoiling your enjoyment of National Treasure 2? That's all perfectly normal human behaviour.

But when you kick and spit at police officers because some of your luggage has gone missing, well that's just utterly unacceptable. Even Naomi Campbell knows that – which is good, because admittedly she does tend to do it more than most.

Last week Naomi Campbell pleaded guilty to assaulting police officers after her weird little kicky tantrum on a plane in April. At the time most people wrote the outburst off as just another one of Naomi Campbell's awkward argumentative flare-ups – after all, you can count the number of people who Naomi Campbell hasn't beaten up on the fingers of the hand that Naomi Campbell slammed in a car door because she caught you looking at her without asking – but now there's been a dramatic new revelation. Well, dramatic or made up – it's quite hard to tell.

Apparently Naomi Campbell only spazzed out so badly because someone on the plane used a weirdly outdated racial slur towards her. Apparently. The Telegraph reports:

Campbell, who kicked and spat at police when they tried to remove her from a flight bound for Los Angeles, told Sky News: "I was called a racial name on that flight and that was part of my reaction. I was called a 'golliwog supermodel' – I don't think that's really fair, do you?" The airline has denied the claim. "British Airways does not accept any allegations of racism," it said in a statement. "We are proud of our diversity."

Oddly enough, Naomi Campbell didn't think to mention this alleged racial incident at any point during her criminal trial, only deciding to tell Sky News about it after she'd pleaded guilty to her charges. Which is strange, given that it seems like quite an important part of the story. It almost seems as if Naomi Campbell just made it up to try and make herself look less of a deranged batshit mentalist than she actually is.

We wouldn't dream of suggesting that, though – not because we respect the validity of Naomi Campbell's claims or anything, but because we're terrified that Naomi Campbell will come round our house one night and smash our faces in with a candelabra or set fire to our dog or something. Not our faces, Naomi. Not our beautiful faces.

At the time she claimed to be the victim of racism or something, and also she claimed that it wasn't her fault because the captain wouldn't let her sit in his posh seat for the flight's entire duration, and anybody else would have reacted similarly if placed in the same situation.

But maybe we exaggerated a tad there. Anyhow – she's in court for the whole mess right now – and she's pleaded…..guilty.

This action could result in regular state-provided dinners and a cellmate to scratch at.

Naomi Campbell has been to court at least a thousand times. In fact it could even be argued that she's such a common fixture there that is she showed up with a long black robe and a gavel, a bailiff might mistakenly escort her up to the judge's throne.

If memory serves correctly her last court appearance ended with her having to clean things with a mop. If memory serves even more correctly, when her hours were up every single co-worker wept on her neck and gave her a cake.

OK, so our memory isn't always that correct. But Campbell's legal woes continue – she got officially charged for her airport trouble almost a month ago, and today, apparently, she's pleaded guilty. E! Online has the skinny:

"The trouble-prone catwalker pleaded guilty today to assaulting two police officers after causing a stink aboard a BA flight at London's Heathrow Airport in April, charges that could land her serious jail time…when she finally made it inside, she copped to six charges in total—three counts of assaulting a constable, one of disorderly conduct likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress and two of using threatening, abusive words or behavior to cabin crew. The guilty plea could nab the runway star a maximum six-month prison sentence and a fine of $10,000."

So will she actually get locked up for her insane temper this time? Her maid that probably still has a blackberry lodged in her left eye socket certainly hopes so. Probably. But we think her imprisonment isn't such a good idea.

Think about it – she's already angry all the time. Imagine if she learned how to fight with a shank.

Now that's an airplane we would not want to be on.

To read more, see "Naomi Campbell pleads guilty in 'air rage' case" on The Associated Press

It’s true, we read it in a book once. Wait, what’s that? It’s not the unassailable right of all British people to beat up a policeman in a strop? Oh, well that’s Naomi Campbell screwed, then.

Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault after her alleged screaming meltdown on a plane las month. If found guilty then Naomi could find herself saddled with a six-month jail sentence. According to her lawyer, Naomi Campbell wants these charges dealt with ‘expeditiously’ – which we think is polite speak for “Woaaargh! You titting prick-ends! It wasn’t me! Do you who I am? I’ll kill you! I’ll KILL YOU!” But don’t quote us on that.

Put certain things together and you’re asking for trouble, as anyone who’s ever tried weeing into a plugged-in toaster will happily attest. So putting Naomi Campbell into Heathrow airport was always going to be a mistake.

Maybe because it’s so relentlessly grim and tatty, Heathrow airport has something of a reputation for sending celebrities berserk. Whether it’s Snoop Dogg starting an actual violent riot or David Hasselhoff wetting himself and then staggering around all pee-pantsed, Heathrow seems to do something to normally mild-mannered personalities.

And that’s mild-mannered personalities, so just imagine what it’d do to Naomi Campbell – a woman who once destroyed a yacht with her bare hands because she didn’t like a certain type of salad. Who are we kidding? Everyone knows what it did to Naomi Campbell.

On April 3, after the Terminal Five bungle misplaced her luggage, Naomi Campbell apparently threw a great big wibble, screamed at everyone and assaulted some police officers with either her fists or wads of her saliva depending on what you read. Naomi’s been banned from British Airways as a result – something she’s protesting by not going on any more of its flights – but the big news is that yesterday she was formally charged with assault. The Mirror reports:

She was charged with three counts of assault, two of using threatening, abusive words or behaviour to cabin crew and one of disorderly conduct. The penalty for assaulting a constable is up to six months in jail or a fine of £5,000 … [Lawyer] Mr Nicholls said: “She’s bitterly disappointed that she is to be prosecuted. She respects the decision and hopes the matter is dealt with expeditiously.”

Being charged with assault must come as an awful shock to Naomi Campbell, who’s got absolutely no frame of reference for any of this, barring all those other times she’s previously been charged with assault, naturally. Who knows how she’ll react to this? Who said ‘violently’? Yes, we expect you’re probably right.

But Naomi Campbell has no need to worry, because hecklerspray is determined to throw its weight behind a campaign to keep Naomi Campbell out of jail. Because, let’s be fair, if Naomi Campbell spent six months in prison, then we’d be deprived of the 18 subnormal public batshit Campbell tantrums she’s got pencilled in for that period. And that’s just bad for business.

Sure, they erected a French statue that they got for free to commemorate something or other, but is that really so great? Seriously – Lady Liberty’s not even straddling anything. If Britain were to re-enslave the States today, and America re-revolutionary warred themselves into the ultimate democracy, all resulting commemorations would be infinitely better.

For example, any statue erected today might be of Naomi Campbell straddling a tank cannon like it was a longer, narrower Shetland pony. You know – exactly like the statue some mildly famous artist is apparently planning to build.

Other than that everything would be the same though.

There’s been no shortage of celebrity-related statue stories on the ol’ HS. Britney Spears got one back when she was a fit mother. Fonzie got one long after Spears was a fit mother, and there’s the exact-lifelike Madonna statue Stu made out of used gum that he ogles every time he thinks he’s alone and the rest of us aren’t watching from behind the thin plastic tree in the break room.

Also there’s been no shortage of Naomi Campbell stories here either. There’s the time she broke a boat with her fists, the time she broke a maid or something with a phone, and there’s the time she probably broke her phone with her maid or something.

Never before have those two apparently common topics collided though – until now – somebody’s making a statue of her. Sorry, did we not pluralise statue? Because we should have – Nick Knight’s gonna make a whole bunch of ‘em. The Independent says:

“He scanned Campbell “straddling the barrel of a large tank” which will form one sculpture. Another will be a “circle of three Naomis, like The Three Graces”, but designed to be viewed from within the circle and in a darkened room.”

Standing in the middle of three gigantic Campbell’s is terrifying prospect for everybody but Hugo Chavez. Especially if they’re all pointing at you or something – imagine that?

Terrifying.

We mean it. Naomi Campbell is a genius. Only a genius could do something as flat-out berserk as what Naomi Campbell’s just done.

Recently Naomi Campbell was banned from flying with British Airways for life for spitting on a policeman in the middle of a violent tantrum about luggage. So, naturally, Naomi Campbell has made a huge point of boycotting British Airways, even though it’s already banned her. Seriously. Indiscriminate violence and a dangerously flawed mental process? We can’t figure out why nobody’s married a catch like that yet.

We’re starting a genuine campaign right now. We want Naomi Campbell to be the new host of Watchdog. We’re not making this up. We have three main reasons for wanting this: 1) Naomi Campbell is a stone cold consumer champion. 2) If any company CEOs tried to give her the runaround, she’d be straight down their offices ready to punch everything to splinters. 3) It’d make Nicky Campbell slightly less employed, which we’re all for.

But really, Naomi Campbell is an honest to goodness consumer champion. Earlier this month, you see, Naomi Campbell suffered a taste of the hellish luggage problems that customers at Heathrow airport’s newly-opened Terminal Five have been experiencing. And because of that – and only that – Naomi Campbell has decided to boycott British Airways forever.

Speaking about her decision to boycott British Airways while in Brazil, golden consumer idol Naomi Campbell said:

“Someone from BA called me and asked that I return to fly with them but this will not occur so early. They didn’t find my bag – said it wasn’t in the system – and there was a complete disrespect for the passengers. You Brazilians went through the same problem last year. The case in Terminal 5 at Heathrow was the same thing and I am not speaking for myself. I am speaking for all those who have been disrespected.”

What a wonderful, wonderful person Naomi Campbell is. She’s boycotting British Airways because it treated the people shoddily, and Naomi Campbell stands up for the people no matter what.

In other completely unrelated news, British Airways is the airline that recently banned Naomi Campbell forever because she attacked a policeman when her luggage went missing.

However, even though she flew into a galactic rage and flobbed up on a copper, Naomi Campbell was merely cautioned for the tantrum. And it seems that British Airways wants to make amends, if Naomi’s stories of pleading phone calls are correct. They are correct aren’t they, The Times?

A BA insider told London’s Evening Standard paper: “We are not aware of any pleading phone calls to Ms Campbell.”

Oh. Well, anyway, good for Naomi Campbell for boycotting British Airways in any case. Someone needs to stand up to these giant faceless corporations, and who better to do so than a alarmingly violent woman who can hardly seem to go more than a couple of days without assaulting someone’s skull off or destroying a boat? Naomi Campbell, we salute you.

By the way, we’re serious about getting Naomi Campbell that Watchdog job. Here’s where you can contact the show to make the case for her employment. Quite frankly we’ve waited too long to see the chairman of British Gas getting his face smashed in by a screaming, froth-mouthed woman holding a telephone.

Read more:

Naomi Campbell boycotts BA in Terminal 5 protest - Times

In recent years theologians have stated that all the signs are in place, and that the apocalyptic super-model’s body explosion would happen any day now. We’re still waiting.

Let’s hope it doesn’t happen anytime soon either – because as it stands right now her blood isn’t even good enough to save under-weight mosquito children. Well we think that’s how it stands.

We’ve actually only read headlines on the matter.

When Naomi Campbell’s temper flared on an airline and she spit on Caucasian police officers while shouting vile, vile racist remarks at them, it wasn’t her fault. She’s got bad blood, you see. And when you have bad blood then your blood-bubbles can only carry bad messages to your brain. That’s what happened to her, though the popular media is slow to admit this.

We now know she’s got bad blood though, because several Brazilian doctors just told her so. And they know because the bones they rolled landed that way. E! Online gets specific:

“Campbell arrived at the city’s HemoRio medical center on Tuesday to take part in the campaign to collect blood to combat Brazil’s current dengue fever epidemic. The outbreak is the worst in the nation’s history and has already infected more than 75,000 people and killed at least 80 in Rio state…Officials were forced to turn her away because not enough time has elapsed since she had surgery in February for her to be eligible to donate.”

Plus – what would happen if her blood got transfused into more than one person down there. And worse yet – what if her blood got put in people that work in blackberry factories, live on yachts and have steel tipped fists?

Mayhem, that’s what would happen. Well it’s a good thing then that those Brazilian doctors read the smoke plumes that rose up from under the pile of burning virgins correctly and refused Campbell’s germy donation.

It’s simply not worth the risk.

Read More:

Brazil Rejects Naomi Campbell Blood Offer – AFP

Instead, Naomi Campbell has walked away with nothing more than a caution – the slap on the wrist usually doled out to naughty schoolboys.

But a punishment is a punishment, and Naomi Campbell will no doubt learn some very important lessons on to become a better person from it. Or she'll try and genetically bind her DNA with that of a dilophosaurus so that the next time she spits at a policemen her acidic saliva will melt his eyes and leave him vulnerable enough for her to slash open his belly with her ferocious talons. Which is probably more likely.

The recent botched opening of Heathrow's Terminal 5 left many officials with egg on their faces. But one lucky official was able to wipe the egg off his face because he could use Naomi Campbell's hawked-up greenies as a manky lubricant, the lucky sod.

You'll remember from last week that Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow because her baggage went missing and she got angry – a reaction that nobody could have possibly expected from someone as dainty as Naomi Campbell.

At the time it was reported that Naomi Campbell was arrested for assaulting a police officer, leading us to believe that she'd either torn his jaw out or snapped him in half and drank his spinal fluid. However, it later emerged that Naomi merely spat at the officer, which is a bit lame given that she once smashed a boat up because she didn't like the kind of cheese that a waiter offered her. 

And now it's turned out that Naomi Campbell has been cautioned for the spit-attack, meaning that she'll escape any changes for it. Marie Claire reports:

The quick-tempered supermodel is currently free on bail following her arrest and removal from an LA-bound flight at Heathrow's troubled Terminal 5 last week. She risked being charged with an aggravated felony by police, after allegedly spitting at an officer, and legal experts predicted the charge could have resulted in a US visa ban, preventing her from modelling in the States. But police are reportedly not looking to take further action against the catwalk star – if she accepts a caution. A police source told a tabloid: 'The Crown Prosecution Service will be consulted, but the expected outcome is a caution.' 

Now, admittedly Naomi Campbell spitting at a policeman isn't a particularly serious offense, but that's only on Naomi Campbell's sliding scale of terrifying violence. A glob of phlegm won't do the same amount of damage as, say, a mobile phone that's been hurtled at your skull at the speed of light. But, still, a simple caution seems to be nothing more than a green light for Naomi Campbell to continue her horrific reign of atrocities.

A caution might seem like the simplest option to end this mess now, but we'd just like the police to know that when Naomi Campbell inevitably catapults a petrol tanker into the side of a primary school because someone didn't compliment her on her nice new hat sincerely enough, then they'll have nobody to blame but themselves.

Read more:

Naomi Campbell cautioned over 'assault' – Marie Claire 

Wait, sorry, that's a typo. That last bit should have read 'everything makes Naomi Campbell angry. Everything. Even buttercups and pictures of big-eyed bunny rabbits. Everything.' Sorry.

So Naomi Campbell got angry at Heathrow airport. How angry? Arrested for attacking a policeman angry. That's good anger but not great anger, Naomi, and we're a little bit disappointed. Next time try kicking a wing off or hiding a bomb in your shoe or something.

There's a set of basic rules that you need to follow should you encounter Naomi Campbell. 1) Don't look her in the eye. 2) Similarly, don't look away from her. 3) Never smile at Naomi Campbell because she sees bared teeth as an aggressive threat, much like several wild animals do. 4) Always always for the love of God always do everything that Naomi Campbell asks whatever it is, just don't let her hurt your children.

Oh, and try not to lose Naomi Campbell's luggage. She goes apeshit when that happens. But nobody would be stupid enough to do tha… whatnow? Airport staff at Heathrow's newly-opened Terminal 5 misplaced Naomi Campbell's luggage? Gulp.

Actually, you know what, Naomi Campbell has been legally punished for her violent behaviour before, so we're sure she reacted to this news with grace and mature dignit… huh? She attacked a policeman? Well, yes, we suppose that sounds about right. Sky reports:

Supermodel Naomi Campbell has been released on bail pending further inquiries after being questioned by police following her arrest at Heathrow airport on suspicion of assaulting a police officer. Passengers watched as police officers boarded the flight after what witnesses said involved a dispute over luggage. They said the model… was aggressive and abusive to staff and police. A Scotland Yard spokesman said: "At 17.11 we were alerted to a disturbance at Terminal 5 where officers attended. Subsequently a 37-year-old woman was arrested on suspicion of assaulting a police officer and taken to Heathrow police station."

Well, duh. You people lost her luggage. This is Naomi Campbell we're talking about here, the woman who punched a boat into driftwood because someone offered her a plate of mozzarella and tomato slices. What were you expecting? A hug? Well we've got news for you – Naomi Campbell doesn't hug anyone unless she's overpowering them into submission so that she can dislocate her jaw and swallow them whole afterwards. Seriously, that police officer should just be thankful that he's not pulling a smartphone out of his skull right now.

But although Naomi Campbell being arrested on suspicion of assault is actually a bit of a backstep as far as her behavioural rehabilitation goes, there's also a lot of good to be taken from it. For example, now that a thin woman has had a tantrum about it, perhaps the Terminal 5 officials will finally get their act together and sort out the luggage problem. After all, 14,000 people may have lost their luggage, but don't forget that a supermodel is worth 14,001 normal people.

What's more, maybe the Naomi Campbell arrest goes to show what a fantastic anti-terrorism device she is. After all, would you hijack a flight if Naomi Campbell was onboard going mental at everything at the same time? No, no you wouldn't. You'd be too busy shitting it. Not even the promise of 72 heavenly virgins in the afterlife is worth getting a thick ear from Naomi Campbell.

Read more:

Naomi Arrested On Suspicion Of Assault – Sky 

Once any potential threat subsided we might become brave enough to ask her if we could please see the splinters in her knuckles that she's carried since the time she smashed her boyfriend's yacht to smithereens in less than ten punches.

We hear some of those splinters come together to form the image of Peppermint Patty playing tennis with several eight-armed holy people from Indian folklore. People might pay to see that Naomi!
Upon her death we really believe that splinter-hand should be severed, laminated, and displayed proudly in the Smithsonian – it sounds so beautiful! Despite her intrinsically flawed knuckles and the money they could bring in, Naomi Campbell can't be bothered with that kind of tripe right now. She's far too busy basking in the glow of having just interviewed Hugo Chavez, a guy who rules some country from the business end of a blackberry. We think it's Mexico.

Campbell has just interviewed the dictator, and she loved every minute of it. She got to touch his muscles, laugh about Fidel 'Estoy muy sick now' Castro, and perhaps they listened to a bit of Spice Girls.

That last paragraph, well it was all non-fiction if you can believe it. 

Naomi Campbell and Hugo Chavez have a lot in common. For instance sometimes Naomi Campbell hits maids in the face with cell phones, and sometimes Chavez's mom launders sheets at the Red Roof Inn. Also, both love interviews. In this case though, Campbell takes on the role of interviewer while Chavez just sits there looking pan-faced.

Her first time out with a pencil behind her ear Campbell sat directly across from Hugo, a man who came to our world on an asteroid in the mid-seventies when scientists didn't yet know they should check that kind of stuff out. And for the record Chavez seemed quite fine with a woman talking in his house, which is a tremendous step forward for the Foundation For Women Being Able To Speak Freely Inside Of Houses In Latin America. That's FFWBATSFIHILA for short – it was founded in England.  

Campbell was working on GQ's payroll, and her goal was as follows:

"I didn't want to judge Chavez, or probe him for his political views, even though he gave them freely. I simply went to interview Hugo Chavez the man."

Her interview of Hugo Chavez the man may have turned disappointing for Campbell when he would only answer her questions in between Wii tennis swings and bites from his foot-long triple stacked submarine sandwich. Our mom hates that too. The Chavez/Campbell conversation did take some fascinating turns though, turns like these ones – according to Metro:

"The famously outspoken leader declared George W Bush 'completely crazy', hailed Fidel Castro's fashion sense and said the Duchess of Cornwall was unattractive. Asked if he would like to go topless, like Russian president Vladimir Putin, the ex-parattrooper replied: 'Why not? Touch my muscles."

And touch his muscles she did, but not before he covered them in Vaseline to make the light reflect just so.

We think we heard that's true.

Read More:

Naomi Campbell's Interview With Hugo Chavez Talks Fashion, Politics – AHN

Back in November we asked you to tell us which British celebrities had buggered their lives and reputations up more than anyone with either alcohol, booze, a scant regard for the law or just gigantic, all-encompassing stupidity, and you responded in your thousands. Thank you one and all. But who is the biggest UK Trainwreck Of The Year?

It's a prestigious title, that's for sure – similar in status to an Oscar or a sainthood – and the top ten Trainwrecks include Kate Moss, Jade Goody, Heather Mills, Pete Doherty, Charley From Big Brother, Joss Stone, Amy Winehouse, Victoria Beckham and Naomi Campbell – but in what order? Let's find out…

10 – Joss Stone, 2%
Although only being the country's tenth-biggest Trainwreck might come as a disappointment to some, Joss Stone still has every reason to celebrate her inclusion. That's because Joss Stone managed to pack an entire year's worth of Trainwreckiness into 35 glorious seconds at the Brits in February.

Stumbling around in the dark, dedicating "big love" to Robbie Williams while doing a spot-on impression of Lloyd Grossman, singing a soul-destroyingly self-conscious snatch of an Amy Winehouse song, Joss Stone packed it in tight. "Why does everyone in the UK hate me?" Joss has often been heard to cry throughout the year. We really have no idea, you purple-haired transatlantic wazzock.

9 – Naomi Campbell, 2.3%
Sneaking through on residual Trainwreck fumes from 2006 is Naomi Campbell, the supposed 'violent super-bigot' supermodel whose idea of an employee bonus is to lodge a diamante-encrusted Blackberry deep inside the back of her cleaner's skull instead of a regular plastic one.

This year, though, Naomi Campbell has sadly dialled down her Trainwreckiness – she pleaded guilty to assault rather than smashing the courtroom to splinters with her bare fists, and she even managed to complete community service without trying to choke a stranger on the business end of a ploppy mop. A disappointing year, all said – but we'll be rooting for Naomi to shriek back to form and punch a nun or something in 2008.

8 – Charley Uchea, Big Brother, 3.9%
Even though Big Brother has basically turned into Britain's Got Aggressive Histrionic Personality Disorder, this year Charley Uchea managed to accomplish the impossible feat of out-Trainwrecking almost every other Big Brother housemate in the show's history.

Loud, obnoxious, self-absorbed to the point of mania, this summer Charley managed to briefly unite the whole of the UK in wondering if there was a well somewhere that we could push her into. Now that she's a civilian again, Charley's full-time job seems to be either falling over outside nightclubs to try and get in the papers or being attacked by kindly passers-by who just want to put the poor girl out of her misery. Spectacular.

7 – Kate Moss, 4%
Even though 2007 was the year that she dumped Pete Doherty for good – an act so audaciously anti-Trainwrecky that it makes us feel physically ill to the pits of our stomachs – Kate Moss nevertheless made a blazing last-ditch effort to get onto our list in the closing stages of the year.

First Kate Moss had a bit of a loud party that upset the poshos she lives near, and then a DJ claimed that he saw her fall off the drug wagon so violently that she single-handedly managed to invent a fleet of enduring Trainwreck catchphrases. All together now: "Make me rave! Make me rave!" Come now Kate, we don't think you need our help for that.

6 – Kerry Katona, 6.2%
If Kerry Katona was legitimately famous instead of being the lardy northern chav off the Iceland adverts – incidentally: sterling work Iceland, you picked a blinder of a representative there – then we don't doubt she'd have gained herself a podium Trainwreck finish.

But since she barely counts as a celebrity, Kerry Katona should be proud of her sixth-place status. Truly Kerry is an inspiration to women everywhere, proving that they only need to fall pregnant 38 separate times each month (and smoke throughout), develop a suspected drug habit, get robbed at gunpoint in their own house and declare themselves to be bi-polar and they too can end up in the anonymous midway point of an sarcastic British blog's end-of-year idiot list.

5 – Victoria Beckham, 6.9%
2007 was meant to be Victoria Beckham's year – the year she went to LA with David to become a big TV star in her own right. But anyone with even a semi-functioning set of senses can see that it just hasn't happened for her.

Instead, Victoria Beckham has looked isolated and alone, with just Tom Cruise's suspicious wife and her own ludicrous breast implants for company. Victoria's TV career has tanked – consisting of a failed special, three seconds on Ugly Betty and one jabbered, indecipherable line on an advert for a supermarket. Worse still, Victoria Beckham isn't even as famous as Mel B any more. To Victoria Beckham, that's literally worse than an acid-bath suicide.

4 – Jade Goody, 10.8%
We know what you're thinking. You're thinking that Jade Goody is officially the fourth-biggest Trainwreck in the country because of her outrageous display of bigotry and racism on Celebrity Big Brother this year; a display so utterly repellent that people in India actually made little Jade Goodys out of straw and set them on fire in protest.

But you're wrong – Jade Goody isn't here because in the space of three angry January minutes she destroyed her entire career by racially abusing a Bollywood millionaire over some stock cubes. No, in fact Jade Goody is the UK's fourth-biggest Trainwreck because of the Celebrity Big Brother moment where she let her mute boyfriend jizz up her leg. Obviously.

3 – Pete Doherty, 12.3%
Pete Doherty carries a heavy weight on his shoulders today, and we don't mean his constantly-ballooning chubface, either. In fact, Pete Doherty is the only male to have made the 2007 UK Trainwreck top ten. But, by God, is he ever representing the gender well.

The Trainwreck that other Trainwrecks judge themselves against, at various points this year Pete Doherty has lived in a caravan after being dumped by a supermodel and was accused of angrily threatening to slit the throat of a young woman's mother, all the while churning out music that sounds like a cheap Buddy Holly tribute act as heard through a couple of kitchen funnels sellotaped to the side of your head – and yet somehow he's managed to avoid jail for all these things. We're so stunned that we haven't even worked out if that's a good or a bad thing. Bad, we'd imagine.

2 – Heather Mills, 24.6%
Heather Mills is either a saintly woman bravely fighting evil with the sword of social justice, or a mental weirdo who keeps saying the word "paedophile!" in a funny high-pitched voice on breakfast TV a lot. And, of course, this depends mostly on whether you're Heather Mills or not.

Already a high-ranking Trainwreck contender for the way she basically forced the world into siding with a granny-faced millionaire with a bad dye-job over her divorce, Heather Mills really kicked her Trainwreck campaign into overdrive this autumn by going on every single TV show in the land to roll her eyes, froth at the mouth, compare herself to Princess Diana and generally do a far better job of sending herself up than we ever could. That's an unattainably high level of Trainwreckiness, right? Not quite…

1 – Amy Winehouse, 26.5%
Who else could it possibly be. You want to know why Amy Winehouse is the biggest Trainwreck in the country this year and you're not? Have you overdosed on heroin, cocaine, ketamine, ecstasy and alcohol all in one go? Have you got a husband accused of beating a man so severely that he needed metal plates inserted into his face? Have you then threatened a crowd of 13,000 disappointed booing concertgoers with violence at the hands of said husband? Have you ever stalked through London barefoot on a winter's night in just your bra? Have you ever got into a gory razorblade fight with anyone who tries to stop you taking drugs with a hooker you just met?

Chances are you haven't, but Amy Winehouse has. Winning the 2007 hecklerspray UK Trainwreck Of The Year poll must be a bittersweet way for Amy Winehouse to end the year – any initial elation at winning such a prestigious title will probably be tempered with the gut-churning realisation that somehow she's going to have to top all this next year. But you can do it, Amy! We believe in you!

But modern day hero Lewis Hamilton, the prodigal driving boy with the kindest face in the world, has shown his maturity again by refusing to park up inside Naomi's cordial car park.

The 22-year-old F1 star, who has been seen with the 37-year-old supermodel on several occasions in recent months, insists the age gap is too big for them to have a relationship.

According to Lewis Hamilton:

"There is most certainly nothing going on between me and Naomi. She is like a big sister. And anyway, she is too old for me. I'm definitely single – still looking for 'Miss Right', I guess. But I am not stressed about it, I have got loads of other things on my mind. I am very flattered by all the attention I get, but it is a bit overwhelming, if I am honest."

Good for you Lewis, but poor old Naomi. She has now reached that old crossroads: take a left to 'Grow old gracefully' Town or a right to 'Madonna City'. 

If she takes a right turn, then she will have to lower her standards as Madonna before her, and get herself a Guy Ritchie equivalent of Lewis Hamilton. We here at hecklerspray would like to suggest Kevin Prince-Boateng, the new Tottenham Hotspur midfielder who made his first Premier League start this weekend. You may not have heard of him yet but he has a lot of promise, Naomi. 

And if all else fails you could wait until David Banda grows up.

Read more:

Hamilton: I'm Not Dating Naomi Campbell – Home Of Sport