Put yourself in Naomi Campbell’s position. You have a renowned temper. A television crew is filming you.
Someone asks a difficult question. What do you do? Remember, you’re Naomi Campbell here. You’re the world’s angriest woman. You’ve buried more BlackBerries in the skulls of more personal assistants than the rest of the world combined. But there’s a camera crew here. Show your anger now and the footage will be shared across the internet in an instant, cementing your reputation as a uppity little stroppy arsehole in the public consciousness forever more. So what do you? Rise above it?
No way! You’re Naomi Campbell! That isn’t an option. You scrunch all of your feelings into a little ball, puch it deep down into your fist and give the camera that’s filming you the punching of its life. YOU’RE NAOMI CAMPBELL, BITCH! Needless, to say, the video’s after the jump…
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This week Naomi Campbell was accused of beating yet another of her underlings into a bloody pulp – but did she do it?
Possibly not. Miodrag Mejdina, the driver who called the police on Tuesday when Naomi Campbell reportedly tried to punch through the back of his skull so she could pull out his eyes and use them like a pair of slimy hen-night deely boppers, has now issued a formal apology to Naomi for ‘overreacting’ and blowing the incident ‘out of proportion’.
In completely unrelated news, some recently-kidnapped members of Miodrag Mejdina’s family have just been released by an unknown captor, although many of the children have had their fingers chopped off and the phrase ‘This is a warning. Never rat on me again’ tattooed across their foreheads. Oh, we’re just kidding. OR ARE WE?
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A leopard can’t change its spots, but it’d probably try if Naomi Campbell smacked it around for long enough.
And she would, too. Because Naomi Campbell fears nothing. After being arrested approximately a million times for attacking people just because she felt like it, Naomi Campbell has now been accused of attacking yet another underling – this time it was her chauffeur, whose head she allegedly punched so hard that he was thrown forward and smashed his face onto his steering wheel.
However, it’s unlikely that Naomi Campbell will be charged for the incident. That’s not because it’s hard to prove she did it, though. It’s because, if she was taken in for questioning, Naomi Campbell would probably punch the police station to the ground, eat the rubble and then blind everyone by farting shards of gravel into their eyes. Seriously, you don’t mess with Naomi Campbell.
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First, a clarification – Rip Torn has the best celebrity arrest of all time. The man’s a genius. He’s untouchable.
He’s 78 years old and he broke into a bank, holding a loaded gun, because he was so drunk that he thought it was his own house. Nobody on the face on the planet has ever done anything that brilliant. Rip Torn, we want you to be our grandpa.
But, although he has the best celebrity arrest in history, he hasn’t got the only celebrity arrest in history. Celebrities literally can’t stop getting arrested and, since celebrities are on average 15 times stupider than normal people, their arrests are often quite hilarious. Take a look…
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We love Sports Illustrated swimwear models here at hecklerspray.
Sure, we like looking at the pictures of beautiful girls but we also like to think they are performing an important role of getting more people interested in swimming. Well, put it this way, nothing has made us more interested in the breaststroke than the thought of a lovely girl in a tight-fitting bikini.
OK, enough of the terrible jokes and roll on the pictures of half-naked women…
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Stop the press! Naomi Campbell has just done the unthinkable – she’s settled out of court with one of her maids.
Why is that the unthinkable? Simple, because it’s the only time in history that the phrases ‘Naomi Campbell’ and ‘maid’ haven’t been directly accompanied by the phrase ‘blood… so much blood… someone make it stop… oh, the humanity!’
But, anyway, Naomi Campbell has settled out of court with a maid who claims she assaulted her in 2006 when she couldn’t find some jeans. This leaves Naomi free to pursue her other interests, which we presume involve bare-knuckle fighting and punching the wind in the face.
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Bad news, all unfertilised sperm – the chances of you splattering into one of Naomi Campbell’s ovums has just increased exponentially.
That’s because Naomi Campbell has just recovered from an operation on her baby-making parts that’s allowed her to have children for the first time in her life. And, by God, does Naomi Campbell ever want children – she’s all over the press at the moment basically telling the world that she wants someone to knock her up.
And when Naomi Campbell tell you she wants to get pregnant, you’d better make sure you get her pregnant quicksmart, or else there’ll be trouble. And no looking her in the eye during it. And she’d better not feel it going in, otherwise you’ll be picking shards of Nokia out of your face for the next six months. Understand?
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Nelson Mandela is probably the closest thing to a living saint we've got – he's so kindly and warm, like Santa Claus, the Werther's Original grandpa and Ronald McDonald all rolled into one.
Nelson Mandela has got nothing but pure undiluted joy for every single person in the whole wide world – or at least he would have, if Naomi Campbell wasn't such a massive angry bitch all the time.
There's a big concert being held in Hyde Park for Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday tomorrow, and Naomi Campbell was on call to introduce some of the acts. However, since her recent air rage conviction it's been reported that Nelson Mandela himself has personally intervened to remove Naomi Campbell from proceedings. Hopefully there's still time to replace Naomi with a friendlier celebrity – perhaps Amy Winehouse's husband or the ghost of Saparmurat Niyazov or something.
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Put yourself in Naomi Campbell’s position. You have a renowned temper. A television crew is filming you.
