Articles tagged with: Naomi Campbell
We love Sports Illustrated swimwear models here at hecklerspray. Sure, we like looking at the pictures of beautiful girls but we also like to think they are performing an important role of getting more people interested in swimming. Well, put it this way, nothing has made us more interested in the breaststroke than the thought of a lovely girl in a tight-fitting bikini. OK, enough of the terrible jokes and roll on the pictures of half-naked women...
Stop the press! Naomi Campbell has just done the unthinkable - she's settled out of court with one of her maids. Why is that the unthinkable? Simple, because it's the only time in history that the phrases 'Naomi Campbell' and 'maid' haven't been directly accompanied by the phrase 'blood... so much blood... someone make it stop... oh, the humanity!' But, anyway, Naomi Campbell has settled out of court with a maid who claims she assaulted her in 2006 when she couldn't find some jeans. This leaves Naomi free to pursue her other interests, which we presume involve bare-knuckle fighting and punching the wind in the face.
Bad news, all unfertilised sperm - the chances of you splattering into one of Naomi Campbell's ovums has just increased exponentially. That's because Naomi Campbell has just recovered from an operation on her baby-making parts that's allowed her to have children for the first time in her life. And, by God, does Naomi Campbell ever want children - she's all over the press at the moment basically telling the world that she wants someone to knock her up. And when Naomi Campbell tell you she wants to get pregnant, you'd better make sure you get her pregnant quicksmart, or else there'll be trouble. And no looking her in the eye during it. And she'd better not feel it going in, otherwise you'll be picking shards of Nokia out of your face for the next six months. Understand?
Nelson Mandela is probably the closest thing to a living saint we've got - he's so kindly and warm, like Santa Claus, the Werther's Original grandpa and Ronald McDonald all rolled into one.
Nelson Mandela has got nothing but pure undiluted joy for every single person in the whole wide world - or at least he would have, if Naomi Campbell wasn't such a massive angry bitch all the time.
There's a big concert being held in Hyde Park for Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday tomorrow, and Naomi Campbell was on call to introduce some of the acts. However, since her recent air rage conviction it's been reported that Nelson Mandela himself has personally intervened to remove Naomi Campbell from proceedings. Hopefully there's still time to replace Naomi with a friendlier celebrity - perhaps Amy Winehouse's husband or the ghost of Saparmurat Niyazov or something.
So you've just pleaded guilty to kicking and spitting at police officers on a plane because some of your luggage went missing - what do you do now?
Well, logic and common sense dictates that it might be wise to quietly accept your punishment while simultaneously attempting to stem the white hot temper that flares up like clockwork every few months and makes you look like a prize dicksplat in front of the entire world.
Or, if you're Naomi Campbell, you find the nearest camera crew and start blathering on furiously about how you only got angry because someone on the plane called you a 'golliwog supermodel' even though you didn't actually mention anything about that during the trial. Deep down, they're both the same.
It was just a month or two ago when Naomi Campbell caused a stink on a British Airways flight.
At the time she claimed to be the victim of racism or something, and also she claimed that it wasn't her fault because the captain wouldn't let her sit in his posh seat for the flight's entire duration, and anybody else would have reacted similarly if placed in the same situation.
But maybe we exaggerated a tad there. Anyhow - she's in court for the whole mess right now - and she's pleaded.....guilty.
This action could result in regular state-provided dinners and a cellmate to scratch at.
Did you know it's the unassailable right of all British people to attack and abuse police officers if their luggage goes missing on a plane? It's true, we read it in a book once. Wait, what's that? It's not the unassailable right of all British people to beat up a policeman in a strop? Oh, well that's Naomi Campbell screwed, then. Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault after her alleged screaming meltdown on a plane las month. If found guilty then Naomi could find herself saddled with a six-month jail sentence. According to her lawyer, Naomi Campbell wants these charges dealt with 'expeditiously' - which we think is polite speak for "Woaaargh! You titting prick-ends! It wasn't me! Do you who I am? I'll kill you! I'll KILL YOU!" But don't quote us on that.
The American founding fathers put several days of blood, sweat and tears into freeing themselves from their British captors, and when they finally succeeded they didn’t even do anything that good to celebrate. Sure, they erected a French statue that they got for free to commemorate something or other, but is that really so great? Seriously – Lady Liberty’s not even straddling anything. If Britain were to re-enslave the States today, and America re-revolutionary warred themselves into the ultimate democracy, all resulting commemorations would be infinitely better. For example, any statue erected today might be of Naomi Campbell straddling a tank cannon like it was a longer, narrower Shetland pony. You know – exactly like the statue some mildly famous artist is apparently planning to build. Other than that everything would be the same though.
