Not Paul McCartney, though, now that his divorce is finalised, he's flown off to the Caribbean to jam his tongue down the throat of his American millionaire friend Nancy Shevell in front of some probably fairly nauseated holidaymakers.

So congratulations to Paul McCartney for moving on. True, Nancy Shevell might not regularly scream the word 'paedophile!' on breakfast TV in a funny voice, nor did she embark on a gruesome 1980s soft-porn career, not does her mouth wriggle sinisterly up one side of her face when she tries to smile, but Paul McCartney was never going to hit the jackpot twice in a row, was he?

Paul McCartney suits the role of husband very nicely, doesn't he? That's partly because he's been almost constantly married for the best part of the last 50 years, and partly because the idea of Paul McCartney's old man fingers creeping seductively towards a woman's bra creeps us the hell out. Mostly the last one, in fact. Imagine Paul McCartney whispering come-ons into your ear. Imagine it. Yeuuurgh.

Anyway, while we may physically shudder at the thought of Paul McCartney putting his hands all over our body like some sort of very old pervert, one person who doesn't is Nancy Shevell. You remember, Nancy Shevell, the woman who Paul McCartney possibly got all kissy kissy with last autumn. Millionaire. American. Young enough to just about be his daughter. You remember.

We thought that Paul McCartney was through with Nancy Shevell about the time that he put the moves on that Arquette woman, but now it's emerged that Paul has flown Nancy to an exclusive resort in the Caribbean to regale her with stories about what John Lennon was like until she lets him put his mouth on her tit. The Mirror reports:

One witness told the Mirror: "They were kissing each other passionately, giggling and smooching just like any other couple in the throes of a new relationship. They were so wrapped up in each other they seemed oblivious to everyone else. Paul certainly wasn't behaving like a world-famous rock star who has been battling a bitter divorce. He seemed like your average middle-aged man keen to impress his girlfriend. The only difference was that he was regaling her with tales of his days on the road with Britain's biggest band. Nancy seemed to be hanging on his every word."

We'd like to think that, after the trauma of his marriage to Heather Mills, Paul McCartney will spend a lot of time in private with Nancy Shevell reacquainting himself with what love feels like again. She seems a lot more suited to him than Heather did – plus every second that Paul McCartney spends with Nancy Shevell is a second that he can't close any ten-a-penny high-profile musical events with a godawful 35-minute singalong version of Hey Jude.

It's perfect – everyone wins. Well, everyone except for Nancy Shevell. But give her an injection of Chloroprocaine, a blindfold and a piece of wood to bite down on and she won't even feel a thing.

Read more:

Sir Paul McCartney and new girl Nancy Shevell frolick on beach – Mirror 

Just a couple of weeks after Paul McCartney was seen smooching around with a New York millionairess – and a couple of months of Paul McCartney was seen getting close to Renee Zellweger – Paul McCartney is now thought to be dating star of no good films for a decade Rosanna Arquette, and the pair of them were recently seen hugging and gazing into each other's eyes in London. There's not much point dwelling on any of it, however, because at this rate Paul McCartney will have ditched Rosanna Arquette by the middle of next week, by which time he'll already be knee-deep in the female cast of One Tree Hill.

*You probably need to have been one of The Beatles too, now we think about it. Still, hope for Ringo. 

Ladies! Are you single? Tenuously very slightly well-known? Young enough to be Paul McCartney's daughter? Then run! Run to the supermarket! Buy up as many tins of baked beans and tinned peaches as you can and bolt yourself into your cellar for foreseeable future, because it'll only be a matter of time before Paul McCartney comes banging on your door like some kind of mop-topped zombie hopped up on Viagra.

Because – as you may already have read in yesterday's Celebrity Haiku Competition – Paul McCartney is currently doing a very good impression of a man dating Rosanna Arquette; star of Crash, about 10 seconds of Pulp Fiction and a film called Poison that we once saw on a rubbish movie channel in another country. Apparently Paul McCartney shipped Rosanna Arquette over to London to visit his house for a couple of hours and walk around the gardens of Kenwood House. And hug. And kiss.

The News Of The World, which broke the news of Paul McCartney's date with Rosanna Arquette, was lucky enough to find a bunch of eager onlookers who came out with all kinds of over-excited lines like:

"It was all cloak-and-dagger stuff, but Paul couldn't resist a quick cuddle. Rosanna was beaming after that."

"They acted like teenagers on a first date. The body language said it all—they were almost joined at the hip."

and

"Paul looked very flirty. They had a couple of cuddles and a kiss. The sparks were there for everyone to see."

However, let's not forget that just a few weeks ago Paul McCartney was doing the same thing with Nancy Shevell, the New York millionairess with a name that sounds a little bit like the French for Nancy Horse. And prior to that Renee Zellweger was thought to be on the receiving end of Paul McCartney's affections.

Of course, after everything that Paul McCartney has been through, you can't blame his new 'try before you buy' dating policy. The last thing he wants to do is to rush into marriage, realise his wife once made an educational German sex manual, divorce her and then put up with her screeching the word "paedophile" like a spooky toy horse on breakfast television until kingdom come. That's probably the absolute worst case scenario.

So, will Paul McCartney and Rosanna Arquette last forever? No, of course not. Paul McCartney is young, free and single – except that he's really old and technically still married – and he's got all the women in the world to plough through. And he's in a bit of a hurry – he wants to be home for Countdown because that's when the Meals On Wheels lady comes round.

Read more:

Macca Is Dating Heather Mills' Double Rosanna Arquette - News Of The World 

But it looks like Paul McCartney has had enough of the single life, as he's been romantically linked with a separated New York millionairess called Nancy Shevell who he's been seen snuggling up to and kissing a handful of times already. While it's clear what Paul McCartney sees in Nancy Shevell – a woman who drips class and has never to our knowledge gone on breakfast TV and said the world 'paedophile' in an extraordinarily high-pitched voice – it's slightly harder to see what Nancy Shevell sees in elderly dough-faced grandmother-impersonator Paul McCartney the former Beatle and multi-multimillionaire.

It must be the way he smells or something.

Aside from every piece of music he's made since 1980, Paul McCartney can do no wrong in the eyes of the public. He was in The Beatles for a start, which tends to buy most people a lot of goodwill, plus his first wife died of cancer and he's single-handedly keeping the Brighton and Hove hairdye industry afloat, so what's not to love?

And the affection the public has for Paul McCartney – having already seem him through some dreadful mullets and that bastard iTunes advert – shows no sign of letting up thanks to his soon-to-be ex-wife Heather Mills and her unique talent for obliquely banging on about what a bastard Paul McCartney is all the time. For instance, when Heather Mills claimed that Paul McCartney stabbed her in the arm with a wineglass, the public responded by secretly wishing that Paul McCartney had gone for the windpipe instead. In short, Paul McCartney always wins.

So, by and large, the public will be behind Paul McCartney whoever he picks as his next girlfriend. For a while that looked a lot like it'd be Renee Zellweger, but that's all fallen by the wayside now it's been reported that Paul McCartney is currently dating Nancy Shevell, an old friend of Paul's who has recently separated from millionaire lawyer Bruce Blakeman.

Paul McCartney and Nancy Shevell have been seen out around six times so far, eating sushi and watching movies and driving along the beach and even 'kissing tenderly' if reports are to be believed. At the moment this is all just speculation, though – nobody knows for sure if Paul and Nancy are a couple and, even if they are, it's impossible to tell if it'll go on to become anything serious.

And although it's rumoured that Paul McCartney was recently seen in a lingerie shop, nobody even knows if Paul McCartney and Linda Shevell have even consummated their relationship yet. The only thing that Paul McCartney has said on the matter so far is:

“The only comment I have is that it’s a beautiful day.”

Oh, they're totally doing it. Now we just need to spend the rest of our lives painfully trying to remove the traumatic mental image of Paul McCartney having sex.