And now that Angelina Jolie has increased her ever-expanding brood of biological and adopted kids to six, you’d expect that she’d be thrilled, wouldn’t you? Well think again – if the babies’ names are anything to go by, Angelina Jolie bloody well hates the pair of them.

Why? Because we all know that Angelina Jolie loves to give her children all sorts of zany names, but these new ones? Angelina’s actually given them names that they’ll be able to pronounce? Urgh! Worst of all, they’re not even made up-names! One’s called Leon and the other one’s called Vivienne – Angelina may as well have just slapped them both in the face at birth and had done with it.

If there’s one thing we know, it’s that you should never second-guess Angelina Jolie. Well, except for when it comes to her choice of films – then she just flicks backwards and forwards like clockwork between sexy female assassin movies and dull real-life ‘issue’ movies that nobody watches – but with babies? No.

That’s because Angelina Jolie loves to mix it up when it comes to the naming process. So far she’s named her children after a road in London, after how someone with a speech defect would pronounce the name of a large African desert, after a battle in the War Of Independence and after something that sounds like a made-up dishwasher detergent for Scientologists.

But the bonkers invented celebrity baby name thing has been so overdone lately, with everyone from Nicole Kidman to Matthew McConaughey basically just naming their newborn tots by basically just phonetically spelling the first ambient sound they could think of, so Angelina Jolie has gone for a drastic, profoundly shocking change of tack.

That’s right – Angelina Jolie has given her newborn twins actual names.

On Saturday evening in Nice, after more false alarms than we care to remember, Angelina Jolie gave birth to the baby boy and baby girl that she’s been keeping hidden up her mimsy all year. E! Online has more:

Twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline were delivered via Cesarian section about 6 p.m. local time. “Brad and Angelina are extremely happy and everything went perfectly,” Dr. Michel Sussmann tells E! News. “Both of the babies are adorable and in excellent health and everyone’s content and getting some much deserved rest. [Brad, Angelina and the twins] are all tired but very, very happy.”

Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline? OK, at least they managed to slot an X and a couple of Vs in there between them, but it hardly seems as if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are trying any more, does it? What are they going to call their next kid? Sarah? Jonathan? Urgh, just thinking about it makes us want to vomit up all over the place.

As if there wasn’t enough tension between Angelina Jolie’s biological and adopted children as it is, Angelina’s just gone and exacerbated it tenfold. After all, as if the adopted kids don’t resent the biological kids already, just imagine how much worse it’ll be when they go into Clinton’s Cards and see that you can buy a keyring with Vivienne on it and a keyring with Leon on it, but no Pax or Zahara keyrings.

Let’s just close our eyes as tightly as possible and pray that Angelina Jolie doesn’t take her children into a branch of Clinton’s Cards until the company has remedied this obvious failing.

"Now just you wait a cotton-picking minute, you sarcastic internet upstart," you're probably roaring at the screen in the ill-informed belief that we can hear you, "They're not crap names like you said in the headline. In a world of Shiloh Nouvels and Bluebell Madonnas, Jennifer Lopez should be applauded for naming her kids something as low-key as Max and Emme."

To which we say, do you know what the twins' full names are? Maximiano and Emelina, that's what. Although that might change once someone informs Jennifer Lopez that she gave birth to human babies, not a fairytale witch and a Pokemon.

To look at her, you wouldn't think that Jennifer Lopez suited motherhood particularly well. Not only does she give off the appearance of being self-absorbed to the point of dementia, but – if any of her recent movies or singles are any indication – she would recognise an identifiable human emotion if it shat up her nose. Plus, by some desperately unfortunate twist of genetics, Jennifer Lopez was born with a child-bearing arse, and that doesn't solve anything. 

But it looks as if it's time for us to be proved wrong. Not only was Jennifer Lopez so concerned about her unborn pregnancy that she didn't announce it to anyone except that crowd of screaming Jennifer Lopez obsessives, but she's also such a loving protective mother that she didn't want to reveal the names of her newborn twins until all the hysteria surrounding it had died down.

Yes, apparently there was hysteria about Jennifer Lopez having a couple of babies. Must've been while we were asleep.

Anyway, now this hysteria – you know, the one that exists only in Jennifer Lopez's head – has gone away, she's decided to reveal that her twins are called Max and Emme, as E! Online reports:

J.Lo and Marc Anthony's newborn twins are—sweetly, simply—named Max and Emme, Lopez's manager, Simon Fields, confirmed to People Friday. The children were born Feb. 22 at a Long Island hospital, with Emme arriving at 12:12 a.m., weighing 5 pounds, 7 ounces, and her 6-pound little brother showing up at 12:23 a.m.

It is simple and sweet for Jennifer Lopez to call her twins Max and Emme. However, before the names were officially announced, an eavesdropping hospital worker apparently heard Jennifer Lopez calling the kids Maximiano and Emelina, so perhaps they're the full names. We've googled both names, and there's a sweet little explanation for each of them. Emelina is a Teutonic name that means 'busy and industrious' while Maximiano was obviously named after either a ropey brand of ice cream or one of the Megazords from a latter-day Power Rangers series.

But, anyway, back to this hysteria. Jennifer Lopez is probably right not to announce that Max and Emme were called Max and Emme immediately, because it's in their best interest to not experience any hysteria at all. After all, this low-key announcement means that Max and Emme can grow up to have normal, low-key childhoods. A childhood that starts with a $6 million exclusive global photo deal with a string of magazines. But that's OK. There's nothing hysterical about that.

Read more:

J.Lo Baby Names Announced – E! Online