Ben Affleck’s arseholeishness has been proven in his film choices, his J-Lo relationship and his fondness for schoolboy deodorant commercials. But lately there’s been less arseholeishness – first he directed a film that wasn’t horrible, and now he’s given his new daughter a non-horrible name.

Ben Affleck’s new daughter is called Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck. An only slightly weird name followed by two normal alternatives? We pray that Jennifer Garner chose the name – a reality where Ben Affleck isn’t an arsehole is too horrible to consider.

As we all know, different celebrities have different ways of naming their children. Victoria Beckham chose the ‘geographical location’ technique, while Pete Wentz adapted it to invent the ‘geographical location plus Disney character‘ technique. Meanwhile, we think that Lisa Bonet placed a dictaphone next to a man in the throes of an epileptic fit, played the tape back in reverse and tried to phonetically transcribe his garbled squeals for help, because God knows that’s the only logical way anyone could come up with a name like Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa.

And faced with berserk competition like that, it’s no wonder that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner delayed the naming of their newborn second daughter. How could they possibly top a name as impenetrable as Bonet’s? An all-consonant name? A 500-word paragraph of arbitrarily-typed Wingdings? The name ^^?

No. Instead, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have done the unthinkable and given their new daughter a name that is actually, by celebrity standards, quite nice – Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck.

It actually shows a lot of care and thought on the part of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. Although Seraphina is a pretty and angelic name in itself – if a little tiny bit wanky – the baby can easily shorten it to Sera or just chose to call herself Rose or Elizabeth instead if she grows up to be embarrassed by it. We’ll be honest – it’s not a level of forethought we expected from a man who agreed to star in Gigli, Daredevil AND Pearl Harbour.

But why Seraphina? What meaning could it possibly have? Luckily, People has more:

While no explanation was offered for the name, or if she was named for anyone, one Web site specializing in the origin of names refers to Seraphina as “derived from the Biblical word ’seraphim,’ which was Hebrew in origin and meant ‘fiery ones.’”

Oh thank God. Seraphina means ‘fiery ones’. We can’t tell you how relieved we are to hear that – it looks like Ben Affleck named his daughter after her penchant for relentless explosive diarrhoea. On reflection that is actually kind of arseholeish. Relax everyone, the panic’s over.

Now Ben, never scare us like that again, you hear?

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Why? Because there’s a very good chance you’ll be able to spell or pronounce your names by the time you’re 35. That’s not a luxury afforded to the brand-new child of former Cosby Show star Lisa Bonet, though, because Lisa Bonet has decided to give her baby son the worst name of any human being ever.

Ready? Lisa Bonet has called her son Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. Again, that’s Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. We believe it’s Native American for That Kid Who Everyone Beats Up.

As any parent will tell you, naming a child can be hard – you have to weigh up how well it reflects the baby’s still-developing personality, whether its name will be suitable when it reaches adulthood, whether or not it can be twisted to become a playground taunt – and if that’s the case for you, let Lisa Bonet teach you her little baby-naming secret.

First, you need to make a list of the top five options for your baby’s name. And then you just put them in a row and, bingo, baby’s named.

Actually, that’s a lie. Lisa Bonet didn’t do that at all – she picked five names, spelled them out in Scrabble tiles, put all the tiles in a bag, shook the bag as hand as she could, blindly drew the tiles out of the bag and just named the baby with the arbitrarily-chosen words that resulted. She must have done. That’s literally the only way we could ever understand her naming her baby Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa.

Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa, for crying out loud. What, it’s not enough that she’s known for being Denise Huxtable in The Cosby Show, Mickey Rourke’s sex partner in Angel Heart and the woman who inspired It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over by Lenny Kravitz? Lisa Bonet also wants to go down in history as the woman who chose the most hamfisted-ever name for a baby and the woman whose baby-naming techniques possibly stray closest to actual child abuse? That’s just greedy, Lisa Bonet. Greedy.

But, no, let’s give Lisa Bonet’s mother-in-law the opportunity to explain why Lisa inexplicably decided to call her baby Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa, shall we?

“drum roll please….Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. He was born on the stormest, rainy night, so Nakoa(warrior) … Mana(strength/spirit) Kaua(rain) po(dark)… The name was always going to be Nakoa-Wolf, but Jason did the research on first middle name, 2nd middle name as you know is Jason’s.”

Oh, well that’s alright then. Actually, the name Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa is more than just a hodge-podge of vaguely inspirational words listed in an as-good-as-dead language. We’ve also heard that if you say it three times into a mirror at midnight, a monster appears and eats you. True story.

Anyway, congratulations to Lisa Bonet, her husband and her desperately unfortunate child. We’re sure they’re all thrilled that, because of them, somewhere in the world a crestfallen Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are having miserable, passionless sex because they can’t stand only having the world’s second-most rubbishly named baby and think they can come back with something even worse next time. For that, Lisa Bonet, we salute you.

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So, by deciding to name his firstborn child Bronx Mowgli Wentz, Pete Wentz opened up a real can of borderline child abuse. In fact, the outrage over the name Bronx Mowgli Wentz has been so huge that Pete Wentz has been forced to explain the vast secrets behind its meaning. Ready to have your minds blown?

OK – he and Ashlee Simpson chose Mowgli as a name because they quite like The Jungle Book. Astounding, we know. But Pete Wentz wants to keep the meaning behind the Bronx part of the name a secret. He won’t have much luck, though, because scientists have already boiled the meaning down to either a) Pete Wentz quite likes the Bronx, b) Ashlee Simpson quite likes the Bronx or c) they are both clueless fartwhumps.

Conspiracy theorists, it’s time to go home. We know you got excited when Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson decided to name their baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz because you thought that the only explanation a name that judderingly shit is that it was part of some shadowy Da Vinci Code-style authoritarian cabal. But, really, it’s not that interesting.

It’s not even that the initials of Bronx Mowgli Wentz deliberately spell BMW because Pete Wentz wants a new car. It’s not even that, for God’s sake.

After putting up with literally seconds of idle speculation about why he and Ashlee Simpson settled on Bronx Mowgli Wentz – although, to be fair, most of that speculation did revolve around the notion that he and/or Ashlee Simpson had developed some sort of horrible degenerative brain disease – Pete Wentz has had enough. He’s ready to finally tell the world the complex meaning behind Bronx Mowgli Wentz. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Wentz reveals Mowgli was inspired by the lead character in Rudyard Kipling’s classic story, but he’s refusing to reveal why they chose Bronx, also the name of one of New York’s five boroughs. Speaking on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show on Tuesday, Wentz says, “‘The Jungle Book’ was something that me and Ashlee bonded over. It’s a cool name”.

Firstly, congratulations to the San Francisco Chronicle for suggesting that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simspon fell in love over a piece of classic Rudyard Kipling literature instead of the less impressive probable truth – that Ashlee Simpson saw a big dancing bear with coconuts for boobs on a cartoon once and she laughed until a fart came out.

Secondly, that was hardly much of a bloody secret, was it Pete Wentz? “You know the only recorded use of the word Mowgli in any medium in all of history? Yeah, we named him Mowgli because of that.” Thanks for filling us in, Pete. We would have been completely in the dark without your help.

Honestly, you can’t just name your babies after things you like. We happen to like watching lots of degrading pornography, but we’re hardly going to call our children Butt Sluts 4, are we? What if this catches on, Pete Wentz? What if Jessica Simpson falls pregnant and decides that she wants to name the baby after something she likes? Did you ever think of that?

Because, honestly, we’re sure that the last thing Bronx Mowgli Wentz wants is a baby cousin called Shitawful Reality Show Sham Marriage Simpson.

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Although it has plus sides – like the way that it gives Brad and Angelina a bit more of the attention that they so obviously crave – giving their children a variety of stupid names was always going to come back and kick Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie up the bum. And now it has.

You see, Brad Pitt says that Shiloh Nouvel – the oldest biological Jolie-Pitt – has decided that Shiloh is a stupid name for a child. So now she’ll only answer to the name John. We can only pray that this trend ends now – while John is still a funny name because of the gender issue, all it’ll take is for Pax Thien to decide he wants to be called Alan and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be laughed out of the Hollywood elite.

You’d think that, having been married to one crazed self-publicist and then fathering the children of another, Brad Pitt would be a little better at promoting movies. But recent events have shown he has so much to learn.

Where Angelina Jolie markets movies by arming her children ahead of what we can only assume to be a biological vs adopted West Side Story-style offspring gangfight, and Jennifer Aniston markets movies by tearing open old wounds and forcing everyone to stare at them, Brad Pitt’s lagging a little bit.

While we can’t say we blame him – if we were asked to try and make Troy attractive to people we’d probably end up throwing ourselves under a train – at least Brad Pitt is slowly starting to make a bit of an effort. He might not share the same talent for controversy-stoking as any of the women in his life, but when pushed he can at least fall back on the old adorable kid angle when needed.

Or, to be more accurate, the old gender-confused, ashamed-of-their-own-name kid angle, which is what he did on Oprah recently to help promote The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. As Fox reports, Brad Pitt’s two-year-old daughter Shiloh will only respond to the name ‘John’:

“She only wants to be called John. John or Peter. So it’s a Peter Pan thing,” Pitt says. “So we’ve got to call her John. ‘Shi, do you want …’ – ‘John. I’m John.’ And then I’ll say, ‘John, would you like some orange juice?’ And she goes, ‘No!’ So, you know, it’s just that kind of stuff that’s cute to parents, and it’s probably really obnoxious to other people.”

Now we know that seems like a disarmingly sweet tale for Brad Pitt to tell about his child but, trust us, it has a much darker subtext. What Brad Pitt is effectively saying is that because Shiloh Nouvel deliberately chose to rebel against the ridiculous name that he and Angelina Jolie carefully picked out for her, he’s going to punish her by appearing on a big TV show and mocking her for wanting to be a man, in a clip that will no doubt be endlessly replayed throughout Shiloh Nouvel’s adolescence, much to her horror.

The message to the other Jolie-Pitt kids is clear – you do not mess with your chosen names ever. Zahara, if you ever decide you’d rather be called Louise then Brad Pitt will go on as many TV shows as he can to tell the world about the time he caught you trying to push Lego up your bottom. And Maddox, you’d better make sure your name stays the same, because Angelina Jolie doesn’t want to go on Larry King to reveal your hobby of tucking your penis between your legs and singing a song about being a pretty princess. She doesn’t want to, but she will.

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And actually it seems like there's quite a simple answer – Nicole Kidman decided to name her new daughter Sunday Rose because she really, really hates Scientology. Apparently.

You see, Nicole Kidman is a Catholic and Sundays are important to Catholics, but not important to Scientologists, and she used to be a Scientologist, so she called the baby Sunday as a sort of painfully oblique jab at Scientology. See?

Insulted, Tom Cruise has vowed to even the score by naming his next child after something that's important to Scientology, meaning that in a few years we can all say hello to little Unnecessarily Litigious Cruise or Unsettling Public Image Cruise.

Nicole Kidman isn't a bitter woman. Or at least we don't think that Nicole Kidman is a bitter woman – we haven't really been able to discern a single identifiable facial expression of hers other than 'mildly startled' since about 2004 – but if this new report is true then we might have to reverse our decision.

On Monday morning Nicole Kidman finally gave birth to her first biological baby, and we're absolutely certain that it was a moment of sheer, undiluted, life-changing joy for both her and Keith Urban. Nothing could have made the moment more perfect.

Well, except for Nicole Kidman deliberately giving the baby a name that would nark off Tom Cruise, anyway.

And that's what some are saying she did. Nicole Kidman's new baby is called Sunday Rose, which is obviously a direct insult to all Scientologists. Obviously. Don't believe us? MSNBC has spoken to a source who definitely exists and has obviously got all of the obvious facts:

“Nicole is a Catholic, and Sunday was an important religious day for her until she was involved in Scientology,” said the source. “She’s still bitter about her experience with Scientology and the fact her baby’s name could be perceived as one last jab doesn’t exactly upset her.”

Yeah! Take that, evil Scientologists! If naming a baby after a day of the week that has equal importance to every other day for them doesn't finish the religion off for good, nothing will! This is bound to hit Scientology harder than anything since the time that Halle Berry named her baby Nahla Ariela, which is an anagram of Anal Ear Hail, which is – oh, we don't know – something that Xenu invented or whatever.

Of course, there's also a report claiming that Nicole Kidman decided to call her baby Sunday Rose because Keith Urban had written a song called Sunday about the baby, and that probably sounds a bit more true.

Note to any Keith Urban fans reading – that's a brand new song called Sunday as opposed to the existing Keith Urban song Raining On Sunday, which Keith wrote before he met Nicole Kidman and was just a lonely cowboy with a dream of having a baby, naming it Sunday and getting to piss all over it whenever he liked. We don't want any confusion.

As far as we're aware, this is because the world has been waiting to replace 'Stupid Berry Baby' with a real name in its special Infants It's OK To Dislike Because They're Already More Beautiful Than You notebook.

But anyway, the wait is over. Halle Berry has finally decided to reveal that her baby will be known as Nahla Ariela Aubry, and we can assume that Halle Berry settled on Nahla Ariela Aubry either because it's the name of an obscure mountain range from Lord Of The Rings or because it's an anagram of Labara Urinal Yeah.

Lots of people think Halle Berry is a bit dim just because she's pretty and thought that Perfect Strangers was an acceptable post-Oscar movie to make, but we're starting to think that actually Halle Berry is kind of a genius. You were probably under the impression that Halle Berry refused to initially reveal the name of her newborn daughter to protect her from the glare of the media, if only for a day.

Not a chance – in fact, Halle Berry was just chasing the headlines. Look at it this way - "Here's my baby, her name's Sarah," is just one story. But thanks to Halle Berry's clever little tactic she's got the 'Halle Berry has a baby' story and the 'Halle Berry names her baby' story, with a 'this is what Halle Berry's boyfriend's sister thinks of the baby' story thrown in as a kind of bonus. Genius.

So, anyway, Halle Berry has named her baby – and she certainly had a lot to live up to. After all, you can't give your baby a normal name because then nobody will know that their mother is famous – and Shiloh Nouvel and Suri and Bluebell Madonna have raised the bar for made-up names to an impossible degree. So what did Halle Berry do to name her baby?

By the look of it, she dropped a mug of tea onto her laptop keyboard and called it whatever came up on her screen. It's a good system, which is why we plan to call our first-born Uyyv6v8 Cdl;. Access Hollywood reports:

It's official, Halle Berry's baby daughter's name is: Nahla Ariela Aubry. The name is pronounced ["GNAW-lah ARE-ee-EL-uh"]. Halle spoke directly with Access Hollywood's Nancy O'Dell about choosing the name. "We didn't have a name picked out until just before we left the hospital," Halle told Nancy. "For us it was hard to name the most important person in our life until we met her."

You know, it's wrong of us to judge Halle Berry for calling her daughter Nahla Ariela Aubry – or, as we like to call her, GNAW-lah ARE-ee-EL-uh – because it's Halle Berry's right as a mother and a human being to call her child whatever she sees fit without outside criticism. So this will be the last time we pass judgement on Nahla Ariela Aubry.

Also, we hear that if you say her name three times into a mirror at midnight, a witch leaps out and eats your skin. We don't want that to happen, either.

Read more:

Halle's Daughter: Nahla Ariela Aubry - Access Hollywood 

You won’t be playing for crowds of thousands at Wembley. Instead the biggest crowd you’ll rock out to will be your grandma and her mates as they gather round for their coffee morning whilst you show them you’ve mastered the hard setting whilst blindfolded. No drug-fuelled orgies will commence, no groupies begging you for love sessions in a Travelodge so they can then tell the News Of The World you only have a two-inch penis.

Sadly this is all just a dream, but now the most unlikely of sources is going to offer you some sort of way of fulfilling your rock n roll dreams. Poor Missy Elliott has a problem, you see. She’s gone and recorded her new album and doesn’t know what to call it.

Oh dear, perhaps the thought of lazily calling it after one of the tracks didn’t quite click with her, but we’ll let her off the hook this time. So she’s offered you the chance to do it for her! All you have to do is visit her website, fill in a few details and you could have your own effort printed on thousands of albums across the world. But that’s not all: 

“The grand prize winner will receive their name in the credits of the album packaging that will be in stores across the world! Missy will also hook you up with an Adidas – Respect Me prize pack!” 

See if you can do better then our effort – Hecklerspray Made Me Do It.  

Well you never know, she did record a song called Get Ur Freak On after all. 

Read more:

Missy Needs Your Help! – Missy Elliott

Sorry, that was confusing. Look – Miley Cyrus, who plays Hannah Montana in the TV show Hanna Montana, has just changed her name from Destiny Hope Cyrus to Miley Ray Cyrus because her Dad is Billy Ray Cyrus and everyone called her Miley Cyrus anyway and she liked the 'Ray' part of her Dad's name.

There, that's cleared all the confusion up.

If you've got children, chances are you know who Miley Cyrus is because your children do nothing but watch her TV show over and over again and again and again like gawping attention span-deficient monkeys. And even if you don't know who Miley Cyrus is, you should probably learn, because she's the sort of ultra-focused, all-singing all-dancing teenage sensation who'll either take over the planet or end up driving her car the wrong way up a motorway on drugs. Either way, you'd do well to remember her name.

Actually, no, don't remember Miley Cyrus' name. Because she's not called Miley Cyrus any more – she's just officially changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus.

Why? Well, it might be because Miley Ray Cyrus' dad is rootin' tootin' early 90s rat-haired achy breaky cowboy Billy Ray Cyrus and she wants to do everything she can to remind people of that, presumably because she enjoys being pelted with bits of old fruit. Star reports:

Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus has legally changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus. Her birth name was Destiny Hope Cyrus. She changed her moniker to reflect her nickname and honor her father, Billy Ray Cyrus. 

Destiny Hope Cyrus? Wow, no wonder Miley decided to change her name – was she originally named after a shop that sells dreamcatchers? And now that Miley Cyrus has changed her name, it can only be a matter of time before all her brothers and sisters – like Accomplishment Optimism Cyrus, Self-Esteem Tenacity Cyrus, Glorious Eaglevision Cyrus and Braison Chance Cyrus – do the same. Braison Chance is real, by the way. We know.

The confusion isn't over just yet, though - Miley Ray Cyrus' body double still has to work out what her name is – but once that's over, Miley will be able to start her life afresh. After all, if the knowledge that she's not explicitly sexually active won't stop the creepy middle-aged perverts from hitting on her, then perhaps the subtle reminder that she might grow up to look like Billy Ray Cyrus will.

Read more:

Miley's Name Change – Star