We love American Idol.  

We love it as much as we love watching The Notebook. In a sauna. Wearing a parka. And burlap underwear.  

And if there’s anything we love more than American Idol, it's following past American Idol contestants on their road to guaranteed fame and fortune.Take Carrie Underwood for example. She’s twanged her melodies all the way to the top of the country music world, and it isn’t because she’s worked that midriff or had unclassy cleavage, either, because girlfriend says she isn’t into showing a lot of skin.  

You see, kids? You don’t need to know that Europe is a continent, not a country to be successful. Just have classy cleavage and you’re golden. 

Eva Mendes doesn't love animals as much as a normal person does, you know - Eva Mendes loves animals so much that she's compelled to get her bum out for them quite a lot.

Animal rights group PETA has just revealed Ghost Rider star Eva Mendes as the latest face, spine and bare arse of its 'I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur' campaign, in an effort to show the world how foolish and disgusting people who do wear fur-based clothing are. So - on the basis that Eva Mendes will stop being naked when the inhumane fur trade realises how cruel and irresponsible it's being - we're going to outside, chop up a monkey with a pair of scissors and turn it into a nice pair of furry slacks.

What with the imminant Spice Girls reunion, the accompanying braindead Tesco adverts and the multimillionaire footballer husband, you'd think that Victoria Beckham was probably doing OK for publicity at the moment.

But since we understand that Victoria Beckham's quest for attention won't rest until all TV stations show nothing but an unsmiling image of her face, all newborn babies are genetically altered to look just like her and planet Earth is renamed planet Victoria Beckham Isn't An Idiot Actually, she's not satisfied with any of this. And that's presumably why Victoria Beckham has decided to get naked. However, Victoria Beckham is only getting naked for a new T-shirt design, putting to rest any fears that she's going to strip off in the middle of Picadilly Circus screaming "LOVE ME!" over and over again until she starts crying and someone from St John's Ambulance has to take her for a sit down and a nice cup of tea. 

So we've established that Britney Spears isn't very pregnant at all - but that's OK because Christina Aguilera seems like she's pregnant enough for the entire flipping world.

If, like us, you were surprised by Christina Aguilera's coy little pregnancy announcement earlier this month and thought "Restraint? Christina Aguilera? Surely not" then prepare to have your preconceptions validated - Christina Aguilera has decided to pose for the cover of Marie Claire magazine with her bare pregnant gut hanging out like some kind of massive fleshy baby-filled blister. And if the sight of Christina Aguilera's giant naked pregnant belly isn't enough for you, Marie Claire also features the top 57 sexy winter skin buys. Fun!

Disney had to make a difficult decision recently - to invite Vanessa Hudgens back for High School Musical 3 despite her nude scandal, or to replace her with someone less likely to whip their vagina out and show it to everyone all the time.

But, surprisingly, it looks as if Disney has chosen the former. Reports are rife that Vanessa Hudgens is not only going to sign on to reprise her role in High School Musical 3 this week, but she's also negotiated herself a giant payrise in the process. Although Vanessa Hudgens' payrise has shocked everyone who thought that her days as a family-friendly pop gonk were over, there's probably a perfectly good explanation for it - like the millions and millions of extra dollars that High School Musical 3 will make thanks to the army of new adult male Vanessa Hudgens fans who'll watch it again and again trying to work out if they can see the beginnings of a cameltoe emerging during the movie's tender opening number.

After Harry Potter's penis won rave reviews for its horse-stabbing role in the stage-production of Equus this spring, people assumed that whoever would follow it would either be a) a respected big-name actor or b) Lily Allen's little brother.

And what do you know, it looks very much like the latter. Daniel Radcliffe's Equus replacement has been named as Alfie Allen - brother of Lily Allen, son of Keith Allen and subject of a pop song about what a lazy pot-smoking waster Alfie Allen is. Although Alfie Allen has had a few small acting roles in the past, Equus will mark the first time he's ever got his knob out and blinded a horse with a spike at the behest of a disturbing horse-god onstage. Not that he'll be doing that any more, of course - to suit Alfie's slightly chavvy tendencies, the storyline of Equus has now been altered so that now Alfie will just need to get naked and happyslap a horse outside JD Sports, then run home and upload it to YouTube.