N-Dubz - HecklerSpray

Tulisa Runs Away To USA Where They Don’t Have The Internet Or Sarcasm

March 29th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Leave it! Two two’s naaah! Tulisa Contostavlos is fleeing the UK to hide away in the US after being repeatedly mocked over her sex tape with MC Ultra. Mainly because she doesn’t appear to be very good at giving gobbles.

The X Factor judge is planning to escape by heading to Miami to visit ?Terius Nash (or, The-Dream to you) who clearly doesn’t have the clout to be sarcastic about her sex tape and indeed, mustn’t have an internet connection like the rest of America.

So what’s The Female Boss (Female Nosh more like) saying about it all?

N-Dubz Fazer Incoherently Vomits Into Twitter Concerning Tulisa Sex Tape

May 31st, 2013 By Mof Gimmers

We’ve all seen the ALLEGED Tulisa sextape by now, haven’t we? If you have she’s ALLEGEDLY not very good at blow-jobs. And she ALLEGEDLY likes hitting herself on her ALLEGED forehead with a penis.

Anyway, it’s all gone a bit mental and injunctions have been taken out, Dappy has said it was definitely her in the video and that it was bandmate Fazer who had his widger on show.

So what does Fazer have to say about it? Well, in a baffling missive, Fazer has vented on twitter in such a manner that he may well have been typing with his cockie.

Obligatory Mention Of Tulisa’s Sex Tape

May 31st, 2013 By Mof Gimmers

So, Tulisa has a sex tape does she? Of course, lawyers are saying it isn’t her (although the video contains someone with the exact same DNA as the X Factor judge, it seems) and everyone is hastily taking down stills from the video.

That’d be the video which has Tulisa’s dead-ringer sucking what appears to be (actually is) an engorged male member. Apparently, the phallus whacks her on the forehead at one point, which is always nice.

But of course, legally speaking, it isn’t her… despite what Dappy – her bandmate and cousin – said on twitter, dropping her right in it. Just think of that. Watching your cousin’s sex tape. How very, very tasteful.

Begin The Self-Harming! N-Dubz Have Split!

March 16th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Oh god, all of our worst fears have come true. Worse than being trapped in a lift with Kris Akabusi and Ainsley Harriot… worse than watching a sex tape with James Blunt… N Dubz have split up.

We’re uncontrollably upset. This is grade-A grieving. Snot bubbles, sticking heads in the oven, scratching the eyes out of photographs uproarious sorrow.

And how did we find it out? Why, through the portal of sin, Twitter. And once again, Tulisa was the one doing all the talking.

Tulisa Contostavlos Courts Blindness With Airport Masturbation Aid

March 6th, 2012 By Michael Park

Masturbation. After reading that headline, some of you are probably doing it right now. That’s fine, no-one’s judging you for that. What you do in an office full of people is your own business.

Regardless of your filthy, under-the-desk habits, you don’t often hear that celebrities like a good toss every now and then. Sure, we can assume. Some of the hecklerspray staff are obsessed with the idea of Ryan Gosling cracking off into a football sock but that’s neither here nor there. The fact of the matter is that celebs don’t orgasm unless it’s with one-another because it looks better on the front of glossy magazines.

Until now!

Dappy Burbles About Olly Murs Not Being Good At Noise Making

February 28th, 2012 By Randy Figgins

Dappy, that guy in the silly hat from that crap hip-pop lot that we’ve all forgotten about has opened his mouth again.? This time he managed to form words rather than just a bubble of saliva.

The prat in the hat from N-Dubz has decided that Olly Murs’ voice isn’t up to the Dappy Gold Standard.

Dappy, who is probably not a classically trained musician with a pitch perfect ear for the human voice, summed up Olly Murs rise to mediocrity as less than pleasing to his particular tastes.? We’re not always able to understand Dappy’s peculiar cockney-gangster-semi-literate ramblings but this one seems pretty damning of poor Olly; “Bloomin’ hell, Olly Murs needs to learn how to sing, boy”.

Ofcom Chides ITV For Flogging Tulisa?s Rank perfume (Gervais Can Say ?Mong? As Much As He Pleases)

January 24th, 2012 By hecklerspray staff

OfCom, the protector of modern decency and punisher of all who swear at Manuel from Fawlty Towers, have ruled that ITV were breaking the rules when they let Tulisa waggle her arm at the cameras.

And not in a Rebel Without a Cause, sexy, doing it with the lights on, leaving the lid off the margarine and swearing at the Pope kind of rule-breaking way, oh no.

They were breaking broadcasting rules, which are as old and fierce as time itself. Unless you're Ricky Gervais, and you want to insult disabled people, obviously.

Tulisa Doesn’t Fancy Fazer from N-Dubz Anymore, Just Like How Hitler Didn’t Fancy Not Invading Poland Anymore

January 23rd, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Tulisa off of ‘N Dubz’ has split up with that other bloke Fazer out of ‘N Dubz’ because they were just having a hard time. What’s that you say? Not the best of starts to the week? Well congratu-bloody-lations on that nugget of wisdom, Sherlock. You THINK?

APPAZ (It’s definitely an ‘appaz’ moment. Please give us one ‘appaz’.) Tulisa moved out of the couple’s North London haunt, at some point sometime in the past week probably, and the only reason we’re a bit hazy on that is only because we’re very vulnerable and are having trouble keeping our calenders straight in our shaky callous fingers right now, before you start.

What’s more, it’s not been looking too good for the Camden childhood sweethearts?as it was, seeing as their holiday in the Maldives the other day didn’t half go all post-traumatic stressy bessy anyway. We just really didn’t fancy mentioning that at the time, because we didn’t want to make your lovely little faces do that thing.. YES, THAT. THAT THING YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW. With the tears. Stop that. Think our problems are really as big as Sinead O Connor’s, do we? Mmm. Well maybe pour another glass of brandy, listen to Mandinka on a slower RPM, and then grow a heart. (Sorry, we’re still sad.)

Dappy Slags Off X-Factor, Simon Cowell Must Be Quaking In His Expensive Shoes

December 15th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

If you know someone who's doing well, you'd be there for them, right? Always showering them with praise or offering words of encouragement when stuff goes a little bit pear-shaped. Anyone with a heart would anyway.

But is everything we see even real? We?ll never know if the smiles and waves that were directed to Cheryl Cole from Girls Aloud were designed to be positive encouragement? Or pile loads of unneeded pressure upon her shoulders so she'd fail and spend a few months in rehab?

For this year?s X-Factor, Tulisa and Kelly Rowland stepped in for Cheryl and Dannii Minogue. We assume that Beyonce was too busy faking a child bump or something to care about her friend Kelly?s progress on the show. As for Tulisa, her fellow members of N-Dubz have been quiet on celebrating her success. Well we say that, Dappy has now decided to voice his opinion on more than just the show.

Little Mix And Tulisa Toast X Factor Success With A Kebab

December 13th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Hey you, quick, come out from behind the sofa. It's all over, honest. After nearly four months, the auto-tuned X Factor singers won't be making anymore feature length appearances on ITV to ruin your weekend.

As we all know, Little Mix were voted as the winners. Or, it was all fixed by Simon Cowell for them so we can have a girl group that are slightly more polished around the edges than when Girls Aloud first started out. Learn from your mistakes and whatnot.

So how exactly do you celebrate winning a national competition which has been steadily declining in viewers each week? Sip on champagne whilst hanging out with record execs? Little Mix had Tulisa as a mentor. She took them for a kebab instead.