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MySpace

Travis Barker Wants To Thank You, And You, But Not His Ex-Wife

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a few weeks now since Travis Barker and DJ AM escaped from the horrifying plane crash that tragically killed four people.

Between then and now, both Travis Barker and DJ AM have probably gone through more extremes of conflicting emotion than most of us could probably comprehend. And so, when Travis Barker finally decided to post his first message to his fans via his MySpace page since the crash, anticipation about what he’d write was strong.

Would it be a cursory ‘Hi everyone, I’m OK, thanks for the support’ message, or would Travis Barker go into more excrutiating detail about the crash itself. Neither, as it happens. Instead, Travis Barker decided to slag his ex-wife Shannon Moakler off a bit. We get the feeling he’ll be just fine.

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Minnie Driver Slaps Her Baby Up On MySpace

by Stuart Heritage

Minnie Driver doesn’t know the rules – celebrity babies only exist to supplement their parents’ giant wages via megabucks magazine deals.

But that particular memo doesn’t appear to have reached Minnie Driver, because she’s just done the unthinkable – she’s posted a photo of her new son Henry on MySpace. For free. What a massive idiot.

Doesn’t Minnie Driver know what she’s missing? With all the public interest in her, Minnie Driver could have secured herself a huge cheque for the exclusive rights to those photos instead of spunking them away for free on the internet. She could have bought herself something really nice with that photoshoot money, like a plastic watch or a pair of flipflops or a couple of loaves of bread or something. Tsk.

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MySpace Trawl – Florence And The Machines

by Matthew Laidlow

Well, we were going to make a crap joke to open this story about how cool it would be to build the ultimate machine. You know it would cook food for you, scratch your arse and sometimes get two numbers right on the lottery using ancient Greek mathematical methods.

Sadly, the useless piece of cack that is MySpace decided to break on our computer and not load properly. Subsequently we can’t really bang on about how brilliant she is and why she will become the biggest female star of 2009.

If any press or PR types want a quote from us, we believe that Florence And The Machines are “five million times better then Kate Nash and five million times less annoying with that ear splintering cockney twang”.

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People Who Still Use MySpace Can Clean Courtney Love’s House For Money. Take That Facebook

by Shawn Lindseth

Are you generally considered clean? Do you enjoy the smell of peroxide? Do you ever float Indian style in your kitchen while that one nice black lady delivers a monologue about shiny floors? Are you pretty good at getting 14-year-old bloodstains off of mostly ceilings but probably a little bit off of the upper walls? [...]

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MySpace Trawl – Excentral Tempest

by Matthew Laidlow

There’s never much hip-hop featured on this feature. It’s not because we don’t like it and single the genre out like the kid at school who had head lice.

Unfortunately, it’s down to the fact that any sort of UK rap/hip hop that doesn’t get produced outside of London gets laughed at. Just look at Grandfather DJ Tim Westwood. He’s as ghetto as the local paperboy. But despite his achievements in championing many American artists, he still gets the piss ripped out of him. All for being the son of a vicar and sounding like something he’s not.

Dizzee Rascal, Lethal Bizzle and to a lesser extent, So Solid Crew all came from various pirate radio backgrounds before gaining our attention. Unlike other music genres which can be really made from a bedroom, these artists have to battle against fellow producers/MCs before getting a whiff of attention from record type folk. Early career mixtapes are always in high demand when an artist makes it big. Excentral Tempest is a young female London MC who will hopefully show the blokes on the circuit that the ladies can cut it.

There’s never much hip-hop featured on this feature. It’s not because we don’t like it and single the genre out like the kid at school who had head lice. Unfortunately, it’s down to the fact that any sort of UK rap/hip hop that doesn’t get produced outside of London gets laughed at. Just look at Grandfather DJ Tim Westwood. He’s as ghetto as the local paperboy. But despite his achievements in championing many American artists, he still gets the piss ripped out of him. All for being the son of a vicar and sounding like something he’s not. Dizzee Rascal, Lethal Bizzle and to a lesser extent, So Solid Crew all came from various pirate radio backgrounds before gaining our attention. Unlike other music genres which can be really made from a bedroom, these artists have to battle against fellow producers/MCs before getting a whiff of attention from record type folk. Early career mixtapes are always in high demand when an artist makes it big. Excentral Tempest is a young female London MC who will hopefully show the blokes on the circuit that the ladies can cut it.
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Sarah Palin: The View From Professor Lindsay Lohan

by Stuart Heritage

Lindsay Lohan is a world-renowned expert on everything from not wearing knickers to being a bit annoying and ginger – but what about politics?

Well, yes, it turns out that Lindsay Lohan is actually an expert on politics as well, which explains why she’s written a 640-word essay on the subject of Sarah Palin on her MySpace page. Well it’s not so much of an essay, more a sort of rehash of general criticism made against Sarah Palin by intelligent and thoughtful people, but translated from English into knuckleheaded idiot.

But still, now that Lindsay Lohan has joined the ranks of celebrities with the weird compulsion to broadcast their views on Sarah Palin to the world, we’ve almost got a complete set. Just Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, Peter Simon from Run The Risk and Skeletor to go and finally we’ll be able to make an informed decision about the woman.

Lindsay Lohan is a world-renowned expert on everything from not wearing knickers to being a bit annoying and ginger - but what about politics? Well, yes, it turns out that Lindsay Lohan is actually an expert on politics as well, which explains why she's written a 640-word essay on the subject of Sarah Palin on her MySpace page. Well it's not so much of an essay, more a sort of rehash of general criticism made against Sarah Palin by intelligent and thoughtful people, but translated from English into knuckleheaded idiot. But still, now that Lindsay Lohan has joined the ranks of celebrities with the weird compulsion to broadcast their views on Sarah Palin to the world, we've almost got a complete set. Just Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, Peter Simon from Run The Risk and Skeletor to go and finally we'll be able to make an informed decision about the woman.
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MySpace Trawl – Errors

by Matthew Laidlow

You may be mistaken to think that Errors is actually a discussion topic for a six-hour Jeremy Kyle show special. Via the use of webcams for guests and a few members of the audience who aren’t quite all there, it very well could be the TV programme of all TV programmes that would cause everyone to simultaneously smash their televisions sets.

Thankfully though, ITV isn’t quite ready to unleash that beast. For the meantime, we’ll just have to do with people who lie about weight loss, repeats of DIY shows and that smug ginger chef who would spit on you if offered a piece of cheese on toast from your own oven. Errors are, in fact, another quality band to come out of Glasgow.

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MySpace Trawl – Modernaire

by Matthew Laidlow

Remember when you were young and your grandparents often dragged you away to show you something that you weren’t meant to see?

You know, like introducing you to a can of lager in the dusty shed and encouraging you to knock it back? Though sometimes they did just bore you to death about something they thought you’d be interested in.

What we’re poorly trying to get at is that some things are best discovered by other people. This is what happened to us with Modernaire. When we battled our way through the trendy crowd at a Tings Tings gig, they were the first band on. Support bands are either going to send people to the bar or keep you watching. Thankfully this lot kept our attention.

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MySpace Trawl – Razmataz Lorry Excitement

by Matthew Laidlow

It’s ace having quality bands and solo artists on your doorstep. Before they break through onto the national scene, you’re guaranteed to catch them playing a gig in and around various cities close to you.

In a slightly personalised trawl this week, it’s time to expose you in to one such artist who has a strong reputation in the live Newcastle/Sunderland music scene.

Already tagged as a UK equivalent to LCD Soundsystem, Razmataz Lorry Excitement aka Kevin Dosdale serves up electro with soul that carries punk elements and doesn’t have an electronic boys and girls sound. Another plus point is the use of back-to-basics hardware in live performances and the creation of actual tracks. In an age where bedroom producers rely on software, it is refreshing to see someone actually work like a loon behind stacks of samplers and other music-making toys that’ll boggle your mind.

It's ace having quality bands and solo artists on your doorstep. Before they break through onto the national scene, you’re guaranteed to catch them playing a gig in and around various cities close to you. In a slightly personalised trawl this week, it’s time to expose you in to one such artist who has a strong reputation in the live Newcastle/Sunderland music scene. Already tagged as a UK equivalent to LCD Soundsystem, Razmataz Lorry Excitement aka Kevin Dosdale serves up electro with soul that carries punk elements and doesn’t have an electronic boys and girls sound. Another plus point is the use of back-to-basics hardware in live performances and the creation of actual tracks. In an age where bedroom producers rely on software, it is refreshing to see someone actually work like a loon behind stacks of samplers and other music-making toys that'll boggle your mind.
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Myspace Trawl – Telepopmusik

by Matthew Laidlow

For some reason, the UK has taken it upon themselves to hate every other nation in the world. Mostly through headlines on grubby downmarket tabloids, we are always reminded to hate the Germans because of the war and the Scottish due to an old butchering rivalry, with the other country that deluded working class white [...]

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