Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Myleene Klass, famous for charging at someone with a knife while in her house and showering under a waterfall so everyone could see her erect nipples… and former Hear’Say singer, is the object of lust to the already dead.
By which we mean, Middle England.
It’s not just the Marks and Spencer’s set that love our Myleene though. It seems that aroused Hollywood A-listers have a bit of a thing for her too. Which is equally puzzling as Klass is as vanilla as the day is long.
10 – There’s going to be a Die Hard 5. Please adjust the trajectory of your lives accordingly – Heyuguys
9 – Myleene Klass in a bikini. Again. But, anyway, you’re welcome – Popsugar
8 – All the swearwords from Straight Outta Compton, in order – Ni9e
7 – Why not send someone a literal bag of crap as a present? It’s easy! – Geekologie
Having already changed rooms because of an insect infestation, Myleene has accidentally glued herself to her bed. If anyone starts connecting the dots between ‘insects’, ‘grasshoppers’ and ‘sticky hotel room messes’, they will be asked to leave.
Myleene Klass, barely-sentient host of the celebrity torturefest: we knew she wasn’t the greenest leaf on the tree, but she’s now operating at levels of idiocy which have almost become genius. Hotel staff found her, in her room, with one hand stuck to the bed by a mysterious substance.
We’re just waiting for a Thai newspaper to publish photos of the incident.
So, we have some good news and some bad news for you. The first piece of news is that we’re still thumping out these predictions to see who’ll take over from Fern Britton as the host of This Morning.
The other piece of news is that on Friday we’ll replace it with news about Big Brother. Hey, wait a minute, that’s not good news and bad news! That’s bad news and bad news! Oh, how depressing.
Anyway, here are the chances of Myleene Klass being made the new host of This Morning…
Dear Myleene,
You’d make an excellent cannibal. In fact, we can’t imagine anyone else consuming human flesh in a bikini.
As you gorge on bloody chunks to the sound of Liberty X, take a break and sing us the Toccata, maybe recommend your favourite composers. Anything is Possible after being in Hear’Say, and speaking of which, we know why the band broke up – because you ate them.
