So there’s Kelly Osbourne, Mya and Donny Osmond. One of them had to win Dancing With The Stars – but who?
Not Kelly Osbourne. She’s disagreeable and she falls over a lot. And not Donny Osmond. He’s middle-aged, not as talented as the others and has too many teeth. So that leaves Mya, who consistently scored higher than anybody else and is clearly a better dancer. So it’s Mya. Mya obviously won the Dancing With The Stars final last night.
Except she didn’t. Donny Osmond won Dancing With The Stars last night instead. But it’s not all bad – at least the Dancing With The Stars final wasn’t two hours long. What? It was? Gah!
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So you’re a Dancing With The Stars voter. Your actions will decide who makes the Dancing With The Stars final.
You have four remaining dancers. One is Mya, perhaps the best celebrity dancer in the show’s history. One is Donny Osmond, the beloved cultural icon. One is Joanna Krupa, a smouldering bikini model. And one is Kelly Osbourne, who is Kelly Osbourne. You have to eliminate one dancer, effectively stopping them from wriggling around a studio in a barely-there scrap of sequinned spandex the following week.
And you choose to eliminate Joanna Krupa. Dancing With The Stars voters, you confuse us sometimes.
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Admit it – for a moment there you were worried that Aaron Carter was going to win Dancing With The Stars.
It’s OK, we were worried too. Just the thought of renewed public validation of Aaron Carter filled us with absolute dread. What if he was allowed to bring back his reality TV show House Of Carters? What if he got to re-release his album Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)? What if he was driven so berserk by renewed fame that he started legally emancipating his parents again?
Well, relax. Aaron Carter was kicked off Dancing With The Stars last night. We’re in the clear.
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Dancing With The Stars is easily the best show on television. No, wait, not best – we meant least accurately titled.
It’s true. None of the words correlate. For one, the Dancing With The Stars contestants aren’t actually stars, let alone the definitive star collection that the titular use of the word ‘The’ suggests. Second, their graceless plodding technically isn’t dancing. Third, we’re not dancing with anyone – we’re just watching. Really it should be called Looking At Some People You Vaguely Recognise Clump Around A Bit.
Anyway, Dancing With The Stars is back. Who’s in it? Find out after the jump.
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