Remember a while ago when Paris Hilton decided to become a singer and released that album and it sold 500 million copies and made Paris Hilton a megastar?

Yeah, us too. That was great. We especially liked it when the government of Uganda became so obsessed with the Paris Hilton album that it scrapped its own national anthem in favour of Stars Are Blind, Nothing In This World and Screwed played all the way through six times each.

Oh, wait, no, none of that happened, did it? That’s because the Paris Hilton album was an abject failure that turned Paris into an international laughing stock. Still, at least Paris Hilton managed to scrape together her remaining credibility afterwards, never to return to that debac… what? Paris Hilton is releasing another song? And she’s named it after her new TV show? Oh. Good.

It’s easy to forget what an extraordinary businesswoman Paris Hilton really is. Look at her accomplishments – the way that Paris Hilton managed to get born into a family where her father’s a millionaire real estate developer, her grandfather’s the billionaire co-chairman of an international hotel chain and her great-grandfather was one of the world’s richest men is a shining example to today’s young up-and-comers.

And Paris Hilton’s head for business can be seen in all of her work. Who else but Paris Hilton could build up a product portfolio ingenious enough to include crap fizzy wine sold in cans, a chain of nightclubs built in association with someone who really doesn’t like her and some straggly bits of hair?

Now it’s time for Paris Hilton to put the next piece of her business masterplan into action. Paris Hilton’s new TV show is called My New BFF. Now, while we were under the impression that BFF was an onomatopoeic word to describe the noise Paris Hilton’s clodge makes every time she squeezes out a queef, apparently it stands for Best Friend Forever.

But because just about every two-bit microcelebrity around has their own elimination-based reality TV popularity contest these days, Paris Hilton has a USP for her BFF – she’s releasing a song about the show to coincide with the first episode. Reuters reports:

The show — a search for a new “best friend forever” who is hot, loyal and has the energy to keep up with Hilton’s hectic lifestyle — inspired the techno song Hilton said she co-wrote with her boyfriend Benji Madden. “Could you be the one I want? Could you be the one I need?” the socialite croons. “All of my life, don’t you know I’ve been waiting … for my best friend.” The tune will become the show’s theme song.

Look, we know what you’re thinking. You can remember the last time that Paris Hilton tried her hand at music. She sang a song that sounded a bit like UB40, she released an album that nobody bought and then she edged away quietly because even she realised how utterly without merit she was at everything.

But Paris Hilton only failed as a pop star before because she’d missed out one important fact – none of her songs were about stuff she’d done. My BFF will succeed because everyone will see Paris Hilton on TV and make the cognitive connection between visual and song. It’ll be a hit.

It’s a brilliant manoeuvre and, best of all, it’s not too late for Paris Hilton to start retroactively recording songs about stuff she’s already done. That works out for us too, because we just happen to have demos for two songs called Boo Hoo I Got Drunk And Now I’m In Jail and What? Put Your Cock In My Mouth? Yummy!

Call our people, Paris. We can make this happen.