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Music

Pop Promos: Pretend Punk, Twee Pop And Dull Folk

by Lauren Mullineaux

Well it’s been a hectic week in the business hasn’t it what with the death and the outrage and the awards and the fainting and the relaxing and the… oh god it just never ends.

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Skrillex & Ellie Goulding’s Blossoming Romance Pre-Emptively Named Least Interesting Thing Of 2012

by Michael Park

It might surprise you to learn that dubstep superstar Skrillex has managed to evade our detection up until now. Fans of uninspired, grimy rubbish need live in fear no longer. He finally matters to us! Why do we suddenly care what the Greasy-Haired Prince of the Undercut is up to? Well, in case you haven’t [...]

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Adele To Take 5 Years Off And Give Our Poor, Poor Ears A Well Deserved Rest

by Mof Gimmers

Look at you all. Your ears have imploded and you’ve been crying. For ages. It’s all Adele’s fault. Her shrieking, caterwauling racket has left the world in a state of submission, ready to give up. However, there’s good news!

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Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Are Engaged And You Know It

by Mof Gimmers

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have gone and got their tiny selves engaged for Valentine’s Day! Selena was spotted out and about with an expensive diamond ring on, bought by the pint-sized superstar.

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Sinead O’Connor Hates TV Talent Shows (But You Knew That Already, Didn’t You?)

by Robin Darke

Sinead O’Connor has been in the news quite a lot recently. First she was getting married and everyone was all ‘ZOMG?! Really?’ and then it turns out she was going to get divorced for some bollocks, and everyone was all ‘Really?’ and then she got married again and no one commented and just sighed loudly before quickly flicking to the MetroLife page of the Metro.

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The Black Keys Slate Bieber And The Grammy Awards To Excite Their Largely White, Conservative Audience

by Mof Gimmers

Regressive, backward looking, music-isn’t-as-good-as-it-used-to-be rockers, The Black Keys, have decided to hit out against pop music and award-ceremonies in a move not believed to have been done by any conservative band in the history of white rock music.

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Lana Del Rey May Have The Allure Of A Mop, But She’s Still Got A Secret Boyfriend

by Mof Gimmers

Lana Del Rey is the latest hot-ticket in town, despite having a voice like a broken vacuum cleaner and all the charm of dishcloth. She’s topped the charts with her mawkish drip-hop and a narrative that is basically a culmination of every wet-farted Tumblr dashboard you’ll ever see.

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Madonna’s ‘Highly Psychotic’ Stalker Is On The Loose! Hurray!

by Mof Gimmers

Robert Dewey Hoskins, who probably writes for hecklerspray for all we know, was sentenced to 10 years in the clink in 1996 after being arrested for scaling a wall around Madonna’s home (impressive enough in itself) before threatening to slit her throat.

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Pop Promos: Bad Girls, Bad Boys, Bad Music

by Lauren Mullineaux

Well it’s been a high profile week for music what will all the sports happening and that. If you didn’t watch the kitten walk on the pitch in the football or MIA flip the proverbial bird in the Super Bowl then it really doesn’t matter because The Metro covers just about all of it in [...]

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Kelly Clarkson Would Totally Admit To Being Lesbian, Not Like You Weeds

by Mof Gimmers

hecklerspray is massively gay. We’re so queer it hurts. Even the straight ‘spreezies are super ‘mo. You don’t care about that. You want to know whether Kelly Clarkson is a lesbian, for whatever nefarious reasons you have.

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