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Music

Paris Jackson And Justin Bieber To Shag With Unswerving Predictability

by Mof Gimmers

When Michael Jackson was alive (he’s very much dead these days), he ended up getting married to Lisa Marie Presley. It was weird. The King Of Pop shacking up with The King Of Rock ‘n’ Roll’s daughter. Mixing pop royalty like that… it’s incestuous and odd. And guess what is going to happen? That’s right, [...]

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Michael Jackson’s Glee Episode Is Imminent (Don’t Let Him In A School!)

by Matthew Laidlow

Americans have loads of stuff that’s essentially just for them, but occasionally seeps into the cultural mindset of others. Even though its just rounders for men, they call it the “world series” even though only American teams compete. Then there’s the general extra injection of happiness and excitement that all Americans possess. Even going to [...]

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Is Justin Bieber Harvesting The Organs Of Children?

by Mof Gimmers

There’s always been something incredibly sinister about Justin Bieber. Anyone who is paraded around like a prepubescent monkey eunuch should fill any right-minded person with the dread of a thousand bailiffs. The very fact no-one seems to mind a performing menstrual period is of great concern, especially given that Bieber is clearly using his power [...]

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Lana Del Rey: Doesn’t Really Care About Music At All, But Expects You To

by Mof Gimmers

Years ago, a smarter scribe than this wrote of ‘air-conditioner music’, which is to say, music stopped putting something into a room and instead, started trying to remove it. And removing everything out of a room, apart from the earless saps who buy it, is Lana Del Rey, the most tepid popstar in history. She’s [...]

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Simon Cowell Wants Cheryl Cole And Tries To Reinvent The Scratch DJ

by Mof Gimmers

Simon Cowell has made stars of boybands, Chico, Susan Boyle and a variety of completely forgettable singers like Steve Brookstein, Leon Thingy and DooDah Sneddon. Possibly. We’re get all those talent shows confused these days. So what’s his next move? Well, apart from publicly wooing Cheryl Cole again (presumably Kelly Rowland can’t be bothered saying [...]

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Forget The Oscar Nominations! The Libertines Have A Documentary Coming Out!

by Matthew Laidlow

Why do people care about The Oscars? The winners get a lousy statue that resembles a gold-plated bottle of bubble bath with a screw top head. Hollywood has run out of ideas and has realised that the game is up, badly remaking Japanese films and adapting stupid books. But Generation Yoof won’t care about classic [...]

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Ofcom Chides ITV For Flogging Tulisa’s Rank perfume (Gervais Can Say “Mong” As Much As He Pleases)

by hecklerspray staff

OfCom, the protector of modern decency and punisher of all who swear at Manuel from Fawlty Towers, have ruled that ITV were breaking the rules when they let Tulisa waggle her arm at the cameras. And not in a Rebel Without a Cause, sexy, doing it with the lights on, leaving the lid off the [...]

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Whitney Houston Is Broke: Believes Children Are Future, Not Financial Investment

by Mof Gimmers

Whitney Houston has had a GIGANTIC amount of MONSTROUSLY LARGE hits. That one off the Bodyguard where she looks like she’s defecating in a forest for the key-change in the video. That one where she had a blonde perm. It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay. Of course, there’s that one where she said that she [...]

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Tulisa Doesn’t Fancy Fazer from N-Dubz Anymore, Just Like How Hitler Didn’t Fancy Not Invading Poland Anymore

by Sophie Hall

Tulisa off of ‘N Dubz’ has split up with that other bloke Fazer out of ‘N Dubz’ because they were just having a hard time. What’s that you say? Not the best of starts to the week? Well congratu-bloody-lations on that nugget of wisdom, Sherlock. You THINK? APPAZ (It’s definitely an ‘appaz’ moment. Please give [...]

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Drake Proves To Be World’s Lamest Rapper As He Cries About Snow

by Mof Gimmers

Are you familiar with Drake? If not, then all you need to know is that he’s the lamest, softest, wimpiest milktoast of a rapper who ever lived. Seriously. Your little sister could easily take him. Your dead nana could beat him up AND out-rap him. And so, with that, does it surprise you that the weather [...]

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