We seem to have neglected the wonderful world of glitch recently. To a lot of people, it sounds like a needle has been dragged across a record and the results recorded. We like the sound of something that sounds a bit raw, uncommercial and generally exciting. Fuck your cleanly polished studio sounding production where the vocal goes through seventy two filters to make it sound as clean as a whistle.

Going through various stages, there is everything here from Nedry. Sassy sounding vocals go alongside the sweeping sounding electronics that slowly build momentum before crashing in to one final rhythm.

It’s rather good you know and we can’t wait for their debut album to be released in the impending weeks. The release should make you smile that little bit extra. Dubstep, electronic, glitch and Portishead style vocals are all here.

For more:

www.myspace.com/nedrymakesmusic

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Which it doesn’t – and it never has. For years the only thing our resume has had printed on it are the words me, work and good. So far no takers, likely due to the economic climate.

Our resume is probably in need of a makeover – once we have our absolutely real degree in advanced Beatles-ology from Liverpool Hope University – that’s probably when potential employers will stop pushing us out of things.

Art degrees are probably gonna start to look pretty good on a resume now that they’ll no longer be soaking in the absolute bottom of the useless barrel. They really were the bottom, you know – the worst of the worst. They’d sit shamefully down their stewing in the sour juices trickling down to them from slightly less embarrassing degrees like ‘Social Science’ and ‘French.’

If you had an art degree, chances are anyone to whom you slid your resume across a big oak desk would look at it, and then remained puzzled the rest of the day as to why you chose a blue and yellow fresco background to print things out on. Seriously, that crap might work at a craft supply store – but you’re graduated now! Time to look responsible! Time to use straight-forward fonts!

Don’t worry though. Your chances of getting hired have just increased slightly. That’s because if an employer is trying to pick between two resumes – yours and one that says ‘Majored in the Beatles,’ well let’s just say you might have your pick of cubicles.

The Beatles have suddenly become a bona fide graduate degree – we’re serious here. Don’t believe us? Then just you read what we found on Liverpool Hope University’s own website:

“Liverpool Hope University has launched a brand new MA in The Beatles, Popular Music and Society, the first of its kind in the world. The new course, which can be studied both full and part time, covers four modules with specific issues relating to The Beatles and Popular Music, consisting of four 12-week taught modules, plus a dissertation…

“…’Forty years on from their break-up, now is the right time and LIverpool is the right place to study The Beatles. This MA is expected to attract a great deal of attention, not just locally but nationally and we have already had enquiries from abroad, particularly the United States.”

We’ve heard popular classroom activities will be playing that one Beatles-infused video game, and drawing what you think Heather Mills’ missing leg might look like this very second. We would pencil sketch a motorcycle boot covered in worms.

There are actually jobs you can get with that Beatles degree, you know. For instance, maybe you could work at a bagel shop. If not, maybe the school will help you find some post-scholastic employment. We’ve not heard if they actually offer any sort of job placement after you walk across their stage, but we’re guessing not.

By that point they’ll have packed all the tuition you gave them into a suitcase and gone somewhere to launder it.

Because that’s what you do with stolen money. You launder it.

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We’ve saved this post until late in the day because we’re genuinely worried that, if you read it in the morning, it’d be too much to bear and you’d end up fatally attacking yourself in the face with the nearest piece of office equipment. So, now that we can only ruin a small part of the rest of your day, here goes.

Kerry Katona wants to relaunch her singing career. We know, it makes us want to cry too.

You know, we’re not sure that we trust Kerry Katona any more. Just take her infamous slurred This Morning interview last year. In the interview, Kerry Katona denied that she was an alcoholic – and then, a few weeks later, she reversed her decision and admitted her alcoholism to a newspaper.

Also in that interview, Kerry Katona answered a question about her possible return to music by saying “No. No. I wouldn’t do that to you poor people.” That’s a statement that’s entirely at odds with a report in yesterday’s News Of The World which claimed that Kerry is in fact brewing up a plot to resume her singing career. Look:

Kerry Katona is re-launching her pop career… And get a load of this — the airhead wants to WRITE her own songs too. Yes, this is the same Kerry who can’t sing, the same Kerry who murdered karaoke on that dippy MTV show of hers… An MTV insider confirmed: “It’s all Kerry’s idea and we’re going to be along for the ride.”

Oh excellent, Kerry Katona is going to dip her toes back into the music industry. You’ll remember that, before she made the transition to being the worst woman on the face of the planet on a full-time, professional basis, Kerry Katona used to be a member of Atomic Kitten. Or maybe you don’t remember that, since nobody had actually heard of Atomic Kitten until the other two decided to boot Kerry out.

But anyway, read that paragraph again. That’s right – MTV is involved in Kerry Katona’s plan to relaunch her singing career. Jesus, haven’t we had enough Kerry Katona MTV documentaries already? We’ve already seen Kerry Katona smoke during her pregnancy, Kerry Katona have her knockers chopped up by a surgeon and Kerry Katona literally push a human being out of her vagina for the sake on entertainment – surely letting her sing in public is a step too far. Because, short of making a documentary about Kerry Katona deliberately driving a car into a tree at full speed while screaming “Are you happy now, world?” there aren’t many place you take this format, really.

But back to our original point – we can’t trust a thing that Kerry Katona says. She’s not an alcoholic and then she is one. She’s not returning to music and then she is. What else did Kerry Katona lie about in that This Morning interview? She also said “AMMA TWENNYATEYERAWLD WOMMA!” in the interview at one point, but can we even believe that any more? Are you, Kerry? Are you really a twennyateyerawld womma? We find it hard to believe, frankly.

Read more:

Kerry Katona’s Back – NOTW

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Whilst we aren’t completely sure if Golden Silvers took their name from this concept from The Crystal Maze, we do know that they make indie music that isn’t self-indulgent twaddle about not being able to fit in to a size six pair of skinny jeans. We’ll even go as far as saying that they’ll break the mainstream in 2009.

Already causing a stir in the music world, the London three-piece were asked to perform at Radio 1’s One Big Pikey Weekend festival in Kent this year on the unsigned stage. Always an encouraging thing when the likes of Zane Lowe get behind you, the band’s few 7” singles have sold out already – proof that it’s not just their mates who attend their gigs.

With zillions of second-rate indie twerps appearing all the time, what makes this lot any different to Arctic Monkeys or our favourite band in the world Keane? If you happen to like good old fashioned Britpop choruses and catchy hooks, then Golden Silvers are the ones for you.

You may have heard that veteran indie pop band Blur are coming back to annoy us all with reunion gigs and probable new material next year. We simply encourage you to look forward into the future with Golden Silvers and not back to the mid-nineties. We already have Oasis to put up with, so let’s not overdo it with Blur as well. Pretty please?

If you happen to be too young to buy alcohol or smoke, then Golden Silvers will be playing at the upcoming underage gig at the Scala venue in some place called London. Apparently it’s just south of Nottingham.

For more:

Golden Silvers MySpace

If you’ve never been lucky enough to hear anything from Paris Hilton’s self-titled debut album, we’ve basically summed up how it sounds above.

Senseless screams that not even studio engineering could cover up were released by the heiress who wrongly thought we’d all go “omg that is so like awesomely mega kewl!” when we heard it. With disastrous sales you’d think the message would be clear and our wonk-eyed American friend would stop making music. Sadly not it seems – Paris Hilton has is apparently planning to annoy us again, this time with an album inspired by Kylie Minogue.

The people at the job office must really bang their heads against the walls when they see Paris Hilton coming. Let’s face it, she hasn’t got the most impressive CV in the world, despite dipping her feet into all sorts of professions.

The perverted can see Paris Hilton stark bollock naked in the poorly-punned porno One Night In Paris. OK, so adult entertainment wasn’t going to be a career for our hotel heiress. So what about real acting where you have to remember lines of a film script and act accordingly? Following her performance in the 2005 flick House Of Wax, Paris did receive an award. Sadly it was for being the worst actress of that year.

So back to the small screen – reality shows are as good as Paris can go to try and look like a normal person. Using The Simple Life, Paris Hilton ultimately proved that tasks like boiling a kettle or using a knife and fork are actually quite complex procedures. At the moment, Paris is introducing us to a whole new generation of vain, eccentric, weird and general twats to the world via her new show Paris Hilton Is My New BFF.

Bun then there’s music. In 2006, the world shed a few tears as Paris released an album full of painful songs. The sort of pain you get when you accidentally splash vinegar into a cut or step on glass. Despite a PR blitz, the album spectacularly bombed. All that could be salvaged from the wreck was the video for Stars Are Blind where Paris could be seen rolling around in a bikini. However, it looked more like she was picking fish out of her arsecrack, as her supposed erotic video was as convincing as her porno.

Speaking like a five-year-old who managed to stay in the lines for the first time, Paris proudly said about the upcoming album:

“I wrote all the songs. It’s very dance like Kylie Minogue”.

But before you can get a cheap laugh, the album may not surface for a while as no-one has officially signed Paris to their label. Oh no, we’ll never hear songs like I Have More Money Than You, “I Want Cake And Icecream Now!, Time To Go Party and Excuse Me Peasant, Can You Wipe My Arse, I’ve Just Had A Banging Shit.

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No? Nobody liked that film? OK, well we have some unbearably sad news if you happened to like Reservation Road. What? None of you liked that either? The Village? Ladder 49? Signs? Brother Bear? Nothing? You didn’t like any of them? What about 8MM, for crying out loud? Everyone liked 8MM, right? No?

Christ, alright, look. What we’re trying to tell you is that Joaquin Phoenix has decided to quit acting forever. But before you start shrugging, bear this in mind – Joaquin Phoenix has quit acting so that he can focus on his music career. That sound you can hear right now? That’s the sound of your soul groaning.

If there’s one thing that actors like to do it’s complain about their job. As everyone from Keira Knightley to Sienna Miller has informed us, there’s literally nothing harder in the world than to be grossly overpaid to spend four months of the year being prettied up and expected to memorise some words off a piece of paper a small chunk at a time. It sounds like hell.

But while the likes of Keira Knightley only threaten to quit acting, Joaquin Phoenix has gone one step further. At the age of 34, Joaquin Phoenix has had enough of the slog and the graft of acting. And the enormous paycheques. And the constant string of willing sexual partners. And the comparatively slight workload. It’s all too much for him, so he’s off.

According to Joaquin Phoenix, you see, his new movie will be his last. That’s right, Joaquin Phoenix has a new movie coming out. No, we didn’t know about it either. And, no, now that we do know about it, we’re probably not going to watch it either. Anyway, The Telegraph reports:

The US star, who has twice been nominated for an Academy Award, said that his latest film, Two Lovers, would be his last. “I want to take this opportunity… also to give you the exclusive and just talk a little bit about the fact that this will be my last performance as an actor,” he told the television programme Extra. He added: “I’m not doing films anymore.”

The reason for Joaquin Phoenix’s sudden desire to stop making films? Because he’s an artist in the truest sense of the word and he wants to pursue a music career. After all, Johnny Cash was a famous musician, and Joaquin Phoenix played Johnny Cash in a movie once, so logic dictates that Joaquin Phoenix will be a famous musician too.

Just look at Jamie Foxx. He played Ray Charles in a movie and then released an album and… OK, bad example.

But good luck to Joaquin Phoenix. It isn’t easy to give up a successful and financially-rewarding career to try something brand new. So we wish you well, Joaquin Phoenix, and look forward to ignoring your songs with all the fierce concentration that we’ve been ignoring your films.

And, as we speak, that gormless-looking, vaguely past-it American blonde dimwit happens to be Britney Spears, with her shiny hair and lovely big desperate-looking eyes. That’s not great news for Christina Aguilera, who also happens to be a gormless-looking, vaguely past-it American blonde dimwit. She’s got a new album coming out soon! Grr!

But Christina Aguilera is nothing if not resourceful, and so to promote her new video Keeps Gettin’ Better she’s decided to become a gormless-looking, vaguely past-it American purple-haired dimwit instead. That’s fiendishly clever of Christina Aguilera – so fiendishly clever that it almost made us forget that the song is dreadful. Almost. Video after the jump.

Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera both started off in the same place career-wise – as Mickey Mouse’s fluffer on some kid’s TV show we never watched – but following that, they both shot off in different directions. Christina Aguilera rebelled against society by getting her bum and and dreadlocking her hair, and then she had a baby with her successful record executive husband. Meanwhile Britney Spears had a baby with a dancer who looks like he smells and then rebelled against society by getting her minge out and shaving all her hair off.

Our point is that, despite the twists and turns of their careers, Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears have ended up back in the same place. No, exactly the same place. Really. They’ve more or less released the exact same song within weeks of each other.

Britney Spears, of course, released her number one smash hit Womanizer, notable for its unusual resemblance to I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry. And now Christina Aguilera is preparing to release Keeps Gettin’ Better, a single notable for its unusual resemblance to I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry.

But they’re different, honestly, because in the video to Womanizer Britney Spears went from blonde to brunette, whereas in the video to Keeps Gettin’ Better Christina Aguilera goes from blonde to even more blonde to purple to a sort of gimpy Catwoman thing that seems precision engineered to make people stop finding Christina Aguilera attractive. Look…

Convinced? Us neither, really. Perhaps if Christina Aguilera had a full-scale meltdown that was harrowingly carried out in public, everyone would lower their expectations enough to like it. Maybe you should think about that before you bring out your next CD, Christina.

And also, while we appreciate that Keeps Gettin’ Better is a nod towards the state of your career, it’s not exactly accurate as it stands. That’s why we want you to change the title of the single to Got Better, Then Got Worse, Then Dressed As A Woman Out Of The War, Now Nobody Cares. History will thank you for it.

We’ve got something much more important to tell you, something that will cause the world’s population to sigh in unison.

It’s James Blunt. He might write all sorts of songs that get used in chick flicks, love albums and as a weapon to torture terror suspects, but this could soon stop. You see, James Blunt has promised to sew his mouth shut for the right amount of money. Or never step foot in a recording studio again, at least.

We’re usually quite reluctant to back any sort of fundraiser, but this one is too good to ignore. So pull the cushions from the sofa and hunt for all those fluffy two pence pieces. As he’s come to realise, the general music appreciating public don’t take that kindly to the songs of James Blunt. So he’s prepared to reach a compromise with us all. Speaking to Uncut magazine, he said:

“If someone is prepared to pay me enough, I’ll stop.”

Buts what’s the catch? Well, from what we can tell, he won’t settle for the £2.36 that was rustled up between the various hecklerspray writers. You know he’ll be a complete twat and demand millions in order to stop making more records that contain the words “love” “dove”, “forever”, “kiss”, “danger”, “octopus” “cuddle” and “chat.”

There are always plenty of fundraisers for various causes. If we need to feed the world again, Bono is quick to step in. When it comes to stopping the UK reaching a decent temperature, you can rely on Madonna to wiggle her arse on stage for a bit and tell us we’re all shafting the planet by leaving the kitchen light on all day.

If only these people would get involved and help to raise some money for a really good cause – to ban James Blunt forever. We’re sure our buddy Lee Ryan would love to do a gig for us. And we know he wouldn’t con you by miming at our first annual ‘James Blunt The Cunt Aid’. See, we can even write songs that rhyme like him!

If that falls through, though, we know we could always rely on our darling readers to donate a couple of quid. After supplying you with thousands of badly-spelt and grammatically-incorrect stories, we’re sure you’ll repay us with a charitable gift to a worthy cause. Not that we’re forcing you or anything, but you’ll only have yourself to blame if you continue to see a weepy man continue to make music that is no better then the local SuperBrewed-up busker at a bus stop.

Blunt also appears to be going a bit mental, and has also taken an unprovoked swipe at cake. What’s cake ever done to him or anyone? It’s, sweet, sticky and the reason why we can’t walk very far without wheezing heavily. Seemingly pissed off with the fact that people find him annoying, Blunt said:

“If someone puts some chocolate cake in front of you and you don’t like it, but there’s some cheesecake to the right, would you start screaming at the chef? Just eat the cheesecake without calling the chef the Antichrist.”

What? Does he mean Satan is actually made up of yummy icing, a calorie-laden body and not a fiery hot centre? Umm, even our minds aren’t warped enough to work that one out. Answers in the comment box below please.

Mr Blunt, if you name your price we will attempt to raise the desired amount to stop you from making music ever again. A dedicated Paypal account will be set up for people to donate to. A deal is a deal after all. If not, we’ll, er… get our PR people to send you cake and make you cry.

Let’s say he wanted to swing in through your living room window dressed as an octopus. Nobody would call him a mentalist. It’s because he’s flipping Paul McCartney from The Beatles. You have to be polite to him; he’s not a Sir for nothing.

It’s well known that when The Beatles were locked away in a Liverpool studio many moons ago, they were under the influence of the mindbending drug LSD. So will Paul decide to swallow a couple of ecstasy pills so he can make more druggie inspired music? Who knows, but we expect him to don bright neon clothing and dance around like a twat with a couple of glowsticks. You see, he’s going to bring the party to YOU with an album full of electronic treats.

Paul McCartney hasn’t been in the spotlight for his musical ability recently. Firstly he had to deal with his second wife Heather Mills, who accused him of all sorts of wrongdoings. Once she was disposed of, Paul got all kissy kissy with a millionaire called Nancy Shevell. The two have been spotted together regularly and have probably caused all sorts of embarrassment for their children as they are forced to watch their parents eat each other’s face off.

Lately it was all about Paul McCartney and Israel. Not taking to peace and freedom that well, terrorists threatened to blow him up and force everyone to burn their Stella McCartney designer burkas. Triumphantly, the nasty Middle Eastern men didn’t attempt to disrupt the gig and, instead, they got their asses kicked off an old man. Take that you pesky terrorists! We have the weapon of music.

Now Paul’s back to release more records that will probably be crap, but bizarrely lauded because he used to be in The Beatles. Instead of writing more terrible love songs about coconuts or coyotes, or producing cringe-worthy classical music, Paul is instead going to rave it up big style. It’ll be the perfect record to get wasted to as all your mates come round to have one of those Skins parties where everyone wears clothes from Topshop, gets pissed off a can of cider and ends up shagging everyone else by the end of the night.

So what will be the end product of Paul McCartney’s dance direction sound like? How about a bit of early house music sounding house music? Or does he want to mash up our ears and record an entire album of 200bpm gabba colliding with some jungle influences for shits and giggles?

Either way, we are genuinely interested in seeing what he comes out with. No seriously, after this album we look forward to his ghetto rap album where Paul McCartney collaborates with Snoopy Dog, Kanye West and Lil Wayne. There can’t be that many other genres he hasn’t had a stab at.

But wait! The pesky Scouser is trying to throw you by releasing this record under a pseudonym. Going under the guise of The Fireman, Paul must be pretty sure this record will be hot stuff when it’s released. Ouch, our hands will be burnt after touching the CD, and our speakers may just melt from the heat emitted from the album. It should really carry a health warning.

Now, we always thought a lot of care and thought went into a song from an ex-Beatle. But as the BBC reports, it seems that he found the process quite an easy one:

“Each song was written by Sir Paul and recorded in the space of one day.”

As we said, it won’t matter if the end product is gash. They’ll be plenty of people telling him it’s the best thing since Brian Eno and early works of Aphex Twin.

Or maybe we’re jealous that our album of rubbing elastic bands against cups hasn’t been snapped up yet.

Wouldn’t it be ace if there were a device that did things when you thought it? Don’t want to get up and microwave last nights rotting curry? Then brainpower will solve that problem! Granted this would never happen and even if it did, it would probably be exploited for strange people to cook ants. But we can dream…

Amazingly there is a point to the above dream. We hate it when we have to go out and buy an album, as we have to trek through the crowds and get pushed around by old people who deserve respect for fighting in wars and other boring things.

The kids of today also demand respect. Not for any particular reason apart from the fact you’ll end up being stabbed and be left one kidney short.

Money is sometimes is an issue. We don’t always have the funds to spend on records and downloading soulless MP3s with no artwork is crap. So isn’t it great to know that Death By Panda has his entire discography on the internet, for free, complete with pretty images?

Following our recent look at promising young musicians with more talent than you could ever hope to pass off as you own, we return to America for another secretive figure in music land. The main player is Erik Luebs, who plays all the instruments in this one man solo project. Additional guitar work is featured by Nick Humphrey to add to the multiple soundscapes that he has created.

In just over two years, eight releases have been crafted and released for your listening pleasure. The best thing about them? They are all free. Only the release ‘House Made Of Glass’ has the option of being physically bought, with actual artwork you can smell and a CD you can lick.

Given the option, you can donate to his cause of recording and writing music, but when we look at it realistically it’s clear to see it’s to generate him some money for a project that is more then just a weekend hobby.

Only the other week we featured Khonnor, a man making ambient music that fizzed electronics, at times shattering the carefully crafted calmness. With Death By Panda, it’s almost like we can describe it as being drunk electronics.

The woozy effects ring in and out, flash from side to side and echo all around you. Built around ever growing drums and fragmented vocals, it wouldn’t be too much of a push to expect the formula to wear thin after a short amount of time. But as hecklerspray has found, there are over four hours of free music to listen to.

‘Celebration’ starts off with the kind of fuzzy noise you get when trying to tune your TV or the harsh sound you get when listening to a radio and going through a tunnel – we suppose it could be called ’static’. A piercing snap of chords kick in alongside the stomping of drums and this is soon met with a fast paced vocal that instantly reminded us of The Go! Team and their hit ‘Ladyflash’.

On the opposite side of things ‘LSD’ gives us the feeling that something big is about to begin. If we were allowed to make a video for this child, we’d simply have someone falling from a plane or of a building being constructed as this song adds background to the screen image. Well, we are a bit strange like that. Most people would probably want an image of old people eating shortbread, or something.

Despite starting off in 2006, the earlier music does not sound stale, even when compared to the last release in June of this year. Either he has been busy travelling through time to make sure it always sounds fresh, or he is a musician who has the rare ability to consistently make music without making a dodgy song.

People often say this sort of music has no warmth or feeling to it, thanks in no small part to the cold and ugly looking keyboard and contraptions full of switches and knobs. With Death by Panda, they couldn’t be more wrong.

All we know is that we have found someone who captures the beauty of Explosions In The Sky with the well crafted electronic beauty of Boards Of Canada and M83. As we’ve harped on, you can download all of his material for nothing at his Myspace.

We recommend you do so and pass it around.

For more:

Death by Panda

Some people also say that the human voice is something that can make or break a song; depending on how well the vocal sounds, it can add that little bit extra to the track. Once again, singing is not ranked highly on our list of talents – but when the karaoke bug bites, just watch hecklerspray go.

One person we’ve found who has all the musical skills that we wish to possess is the solo artist Rivulets. Using just his trusty guitar, he is yet again one of the artists making music that is sadly being ignored by everyone. Maybe there’s something naff about guitar music at the moment.

To be fair, it is literally dominating everything in the charts. Crap boy bands use a few guitar licks to swoon the ladies, soft indie boys try and become rock 'n' roll to impress anyone they can and everyone just sees a decent guitar chord as the best thing to stick in a song. Frankly, it’s a bit tedious and boring.

There are a few bright solo artists doing their own thing including: Bright Eyes, Duke Special and Newton Faulkner. Granted, not all of those artists are to our liking but they are producing music that has more passion and feeling stitched in to it than your usual desperate chart-topping twerp.

Rivulets is another one, and to be honest we don’t know much about him or his background. His Myspace literally has four songs, a tour date and a link to a website. Even a link to his website doesn’t prove much help to finding out the background and identity to this man. Though we can at least guess he doesn’t have a fan base consisting of childish girls who leave him five/six comments a day saying: “omg I love you, please come and tour near me again soon”. In many ways like our wonderful comment-leavers here at hecklerspray.

But then again, do we really need another prolific singer whose every move is documented? Sometimes our fascination with an artist usually means they’ll end up making a crap album due to the pressure placed upon their shoulders. For once, maybe it would be nice to see a successful artist who isn’t constantly hassled by the media. But because Rivulets is making such incredible music, this may be hard to stop.

Interestingly, the songs on his Myspace player are quite dated, with songs from 2002 listed, up until 2006 releases. Whilst your usual pop-suck-music can sound dated after a few years (or weeks, or days), these songs are still sounding new and fresh. Take the song Waited For You: released in 2004, the gorgeous plucking of guitar just sounds mesmerising. Producers of crap American college am-drams would love this song, perfect for when a love struck couple have a blazing row, only to see the bloke out of the relationship wait outside his woman's house with cheap flowers as he tries to win her back. He'll probably fail, as he's not a nice person, but still – at least the music will fit.

It's obviously something of a bonus that the remaining three songs are as equally beautiful. If you love acoustic chilled music, we know Rivulets is the artist for you. With a discography going back to 2002 and containing many albums and EPs, this talented individual has yet to play a bum note in his quest for musical stardom.

For more:

Rivulets Myspace

We don’t really like people sending us messages telling us how awesome a band’s friends think they are. Usually a band’s mates have been bribed with jelly sweets to win their praise. Even if they’re shit. So when we got a mini message from a band called Trifonic saying we’d like them because we were fans of Four Tet, we naturally took a listen. And we liked what we heard so much, we thought we’d share it with you.

Nowadays, the term electronica seems to mean as much as err… “Pasta.” There are plenty of different types and variety of the same labelled product. Was that a good comparison? Probably not, but it’ll have to do. Basically, there’s lots of variety to be found, and each person has an individual taste as to what they find tasty and appealing.

The calmer, mellow and chilled side of the electronic genre is out to play here. Perfect for listening to as the Sun’s orange glow breaks across the blue and white background, it’s just the sort of music needed for summer. Soothing, ambient and the soundtrack for a lazy day out. Be it at the beach or at an evening BBQ just before you’re served up a selection of uncooked salmonella-laden chicken, sausages and burgers. We can’t really think of anything to listen to as your insides are pushed out your arse as the night continues.

There are plenty of influences from indie, pop and various dance outfits. Out of the six tracks up on their MySpace player, we got the feeling of a track being too similar to the previous one, or a carbon copy of someone else. If anything the track Lies is something that Portishead would have been proud to put out. The vocals are distinctive and fit perfectly with the woozy, laid back soundscape.

Now, we all know that Radiohead did their own adventurous thing with the release of In Rainbows. Whilst Trifonic aren’t quite offering the same scheme, there are a variety of payment plans on the band’s website. Amongst options to buy a physical copy of the album, there are also other options to get your hands on an album full of gorgeous tracks. Yes you can get it for free, but why not just spend a little bit of money on a sound investment? It’s not going to bankrupt you and if anything it’ll payroll the two brothers making this music, thus helping them to carry on and create more.

In a time when music is screaming out for creativity and interesting new artists, hecklerspray has found an act that fits that description. We want to find more of these guys and not be force-fed dire indie pop that is apparently cool and hip. Or as we call it, music for posers in coffee bars.

Drifting around the sunny shores of California, the next step for Trifonic is to use the old fashioned “hassle” approach. Sending a few demo CDs to the odd alternative radio and TV station will surely do them no harm. They’ve got the songs, ideas and creative flair. We just hope they reach a wider audience than the murky world of MySpace.

For More:

Trifonic on MySpace

At yesterday’s Ivor Novello Awards, where we assume he won the Baldest Man To Have His Career Partially Resuscitated By A Drumming Monkey award, Phil Collins emotionally announced that he was retiring from the limelight to focus on raising his two young sons in Switzerland.

So now we’ll have to get used to a world without Phil Collins – a world where bad Disney cartoons about bears are left without a soundtrack, a world where Buster 2 will never materialise, and a world where both Noel Edmonds and Jeremy Clarkson will mope about in a fug of perpetual misery forever. So it’s not all bad, then.

This is turning into quite the week. First the Red Hot Chili Peppers announce their split – albeit temporarily – and now Phil Collins has decided to retire from performing as well. Quick, everyone close your eyes and concentrate as hard as you can – there’s obviously some sort of supernatural wish fulfillment thing going on here and we don’t want it to run out before we’ve got rid of The Kooks and Razorlight as well.

Anyway, back to Phil Collins. He’s been so much to so many people over the years – a beardy tit, a bald tit, a drumming tit, a singing tit, an acting tit, an emotionally immature tit, a tit in a rubbish band, a tit with a rubbish solo career, a Tory tit, a tax-dodging tit – that he’s become ingrained in the public consciousness, like a tick. Like a bald tick. A bald tick who only idiots like. That looks a bit like Bob Hoskins.

So trying to imagine a world without Phil Collins is almost impossible, at least until you realise that he released his last non-soundtrack, non-compilation album six years ago, that he’s lived in Switzerland for a decade and that he’s about as culturally relevant as a penny farthing made of turnips. Then it becomes surprisingly easy.

Nevertheless, Phil Collins announced his retirement while accepting his International Achievement prize at yesterday’s Ivor Novello awards in London. According to The Mirror:

The Genesis frontman was awarded the International Achievement gong and during an emotional speech said “the timing was appropriate” to stop performing as he had decided to concentrate on bringing up his two young sons in Switzerland. He joked the gorilla which played the drums in a TV chocolate advert to his hit In The Air Tonight, could take his place in Genesis. However, the 57-year-old said he would continue to write, adding: “Thank you very much and goodnight as it were.”

However, don’t let this vicious bald predator lull you into a false sense of security – Phil Collins has been threatening to retire for ages now, and yet he always seems to pop up again, whether it’s for a cartoon soundtrack or a sly Genesis reunion. So we shouldn’t relax too much yet, although his words did seem pretty final.

Other winners at the Ivor Novello awards included… oh, it’s no good. How could we possibly be able to think of anything else now that Phil Collins has decided to leave us? We’re heartbroken. Shocked and stunned and heartbroken and… no, wait, we were getting Phil Collins confused with Bob Hoskins again. Bob Hoskins isn’t retiring is he? No? Just Phil Collins? Oh, well in that case we’re alright with it.

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Phil Collins announces retirement at Ivor Novello Awards - Mirror

You’re never going to see Victoria Beckham perform that live again. Or any of her other two solo singles. Or any songs by any other human in the history of music. Victoria Beckham, you see, has formally retired from music.

It’s not really a surprise – money-grabbing Spice Girls reunion tours aside, Victoria Beckham has only used her voice to babble on relentlessly about herself in an infuriating hairdresser monotone for the past five years ago. But at least Victoria Beckham has made it official, leaving her free to concentrate on her arduous day job. We’ll get back to you when we know what that actually is.

We think Victoria Beckham is a modern-day Renaissance woman, but that’s because our understanding of the original Renaissance is that it involved lots of 14th century Europeans half-heartedly trying their hands at different barely-defined jobs and then not worrying when they failed because they were married to millionaire footballers and got their face in Heat at least every couple of weeks anyway. Which we think actually happened.

There’s literally nothing that Victoria Beckham can’t do. Although she says she works in the fashion industry now – which means she follows Katie Holmes around the shops once every couple of weeks – Victoria has also managed to become a red hot TV personality and actress, so long as you count one embarrassingly scaled-back TV show and a woeful appearance on Ugly Betty as red-hot, plus she’s also a world famous singer.

Except she’s not. Not any more. Victoria Beckham’s solo career was over from roughly the second it began, and she’s not likely to do much more with the Spice Girls after their reunion tour couldn’t even stagger on to its scheduled climax.

And this means, as reported by Metro, that Victoria Beckham can’t call herself a singer any more:

Victoria Beckham has followed in Geri Halliwell’s footsteps, announcing her retirement from pop. “I’m not going to sing anymore, I’m turning my mic off,” she said. Her comments, made on breakfast show GMTV, will come as a blow to fans who were hoping to see her in Vegas as part of the Pussycat Dolls troupe.  “I heard about that,” she said. “The thought of leaping around on stage in a bra top and knickers. No.”

Never mind. As a member of the Spice Girls, Victoria Beckham has already made more money than most out of singing, so she’ll always be able to say she was a success. Well, she either made her money by singing or  by standing around dressed like a stern prostitute while Sporty Spice did all the singing. Anyway, it’s all over now so it doesn’t matter.

And since Victoria Beckham has retired from music so formally, we think this means we’re allowed to sue her for breach of contract if we ever hear her string two or more notes together from now on. We shouldn’t get our hopes up, though – she barely managed to do that when she was a professional.

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Finally, Posh says she’s retired from singing – Metro

Following an experiment with some self-indulgent noodly-doodly instrumental tracks earlier this year, Nine Inch Nails has decided to give its new album away to fans for free, without even an option to pay anything, until it comes out on CD when you suckers will have to cough up.

This move by Nine Inch Nails obviously has its critics, who claim that giving away music for free devalues it to the point where it becomes worthless. But these critics are plainly fools – the music of Nine Inch Nails has always been kind of worthless to everyone except for panda-eyed 13-year-olds with BO and a low-level interest in self harm. This just levels the playing field out a bit.

These days, there’s no demographic more discriminated against than the music buyer. Why, just the other day we actually bought a physical CD copy of an album from HMV and the town mayor had us burned as a witch. After all, who’d want to actually pay for music these days when so many acts are throwing their songs at you for free?

It’s true – Coldplay have done it, Radiohead have done it, The Charlatans have done it, even dear old Cliff Richard has kind of done it if you squint and forget what the concept of something being free is. But it looks as if the band spearheading this free music revolution might just be Nine Inch Nails, which is either good or a bit nondescript depending on whether you’ve ever secretly fantasised about running through your school with a shotgun or not.

You see, Nine Inch Nails have made such a fortune from their songs about wanting to fuck animals and Johnny Cash being all sad that they’re now free to do whatever they want. A couple of months ago this meant that you could download some of a Nine Inch Nails instrumental album for free, with the option to pay if you liked the sound of their nuclear power station visitor education centre ambient soundtrack widdles enough to want to hear more.

Now, though, Nine Inch Nails have gone one better – they’re letting you download an actual album for free. A whole album. With no option to pay anything. An album of songs with words and stuff. Admittedly they’re Nine Inch Nails songs, so they’re not really worth getting excited about, but beggars can’t be choosers. The New York Times reports:

In an unusual nod to the popularity of free music online, the rock act Nine Inch Nails is offering its new studio album, “The Slip,” through its Web site, nin.com, for nothing. In a post on the site, the band’s leader, Trent Reznor, said, “Thank you for your continued and loyal support over the years — this one’s on me.”

This new Nine Inch Nails album won’t be free forever, mind you – it’s coming out on CD in July, and you’ll actually have to pay for that – but the freeness of the album will help Nine Inch Nails’ new tour because a) this free music thing has boosted interest in the group and b) the band can now charge six billion dollars a ticket for the tour to compensate.

But whatever you think of Nine Inch Nails’ music – and, admit it, you think it’s rubbish – you have to marvel at the potential implications of this move. Perhaps other bands will follow them and give their music away for free. Perhaps this will even transcend music. Perhaps eventually, say, pizza delivery outlets will start giving their stuff away as well.

Let’s hope so, because giving pizza delivery boys false addresses then hiding in a bush, clubbing the delivery boys unconscious and then stealing their pizza really takes a chunk out of our Saturday nights.

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This One’s on Trent Reznor – NYT