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Apart from the myriad of famous people, the insane volumes of high quality Class A drugs, the alcoholism, casting couches, gangster dollars, movie productions and deviant sexual tastes, Hollywood is a bit of a snoozefest isn’t it?
NOT NOW!
See, there’s a massive investigation under way in LA after two dogs found a human head in a plastic bag next to the Hollywood sign! And of course, because only celebrities live in Hollywood, everyone who has ever been in a film is now very much a suspect!
Hello soap fans!! Missed us? No, we didn’t give you a second thought either but now that we’ve just about recovered from Pat’s quick, yet annoyingly drawn out death, we’re back to spoil everything for you and tell you what’s going to happen this week. But first here’s a little catch up.
Did we mention that Pat was dead? Well she is. Her last moments were spent in bed with a soaking wet Michael French shouting “MUM!” 2cm from her face, weighed down by monstrous earrings, desperately clinging to a script that would never end while the country secretly wished that David Essex would appear from the wardrobe singing ‘Oh What a Circus.’
Sadly, not even fake son number 2 Nick Berry could be bothered to turn in the Vic and play ‘Every Loser Wins’ on the piano so off she popped and now we all have the funeral to look forward to (40 sodding minutes of funeral time on Friday viewers. You have been warned.)
Hey! The Devil seems okay doesn’t he? Sure, some of his followers are a bit mental and go around killing people in his name and indulge in strange practises while praising him… just like Roman Catholics without the whole ‘child buggering’ thing.
Anyway, Reese Witherspoon has signed on to star in Devil’s Knot. That’s a forthcoming drama about the funny feeling Satan gets in his stomach when he sees a girl he fancies.
Actually, it isn’t. It’s much darker than that. In fact, it’s about murder and the only thing more sickened and twisted than the goat boy himself… THE AMERICAN LEGAL SYSTEM.
Have you heard of Jamaican dancehall star Vybz Kartel? He’s our favourite. We love him the best. His music is the best we’ve ever heard. EVER. He’s a proper genius. Good looking too. Really handsome.
There’s something of Mozart about the way he makes his music. His mind is sharper than Isaac Newton’s and he’s probably does loads of charity work. God. He’s just so great. He’s probably the best person who ever walked the Earth.
Why are we being so nice? Probably because he’s allegedly escaped from prison after being denied bail, charged with two murders. No, YOU’RE NERVOUSLY LAUGHING.
Over the last few years, stories regarding Michael Jackson have all focused on one specific issue. That’s right, his demise from this world and descent into a tacky gold coffin that’s buried deep underground so nutjob fans can’t rub their genitals across it.
More recent events have led to the climax of Jackson’s life where the whole world got to hear what drugs were given to him via ‘Sexy’ Dr. Conrad Murray. Ever since the incident on the set of a Pepsi commercial where the former king of pop’s head resembled a stinky sparkler, Michael supposedly downed pills like Smarties.
We’d like to distance ourselves from the recent courtroom drama featuring the only decent member of The Jackson Five. Instead, we want to relive some of the more memorable moments from his lifetime when he was alive, full of life and generally not being beaten by Poppa Joe.
Finding a man to play Michael Jackson in a biopic is no easy task. Listen, LaToya Jackson is surely not in the picture, despite being MJ’s reanimated corpse. Think about it. You need someone who vaguely looks like the former King of Pop.
Naturally, what with Michael going from handsome black man to Roswell white man, there’s not many people who are up to the task, unless someone creates some ET/human/chameleon hybrid.
However, seeing as a Michael Jackson biopic is in the pipeline, there’s actors being touted to guzzle Propofol like UHT milk. And oddly, most of them are white.
Deathbed for sale. What a peculiar notion. That said, it has a lovely ring to it. It almost sounds like an Agatha Christie thriller. Either way, Michael Jackson’s deathbed was up for auction so that his mental fans could buy it and have sex with themselves in it.
That’s because they’re hugely lonely and there’s no room for another face in the mirror because Mad Jackson fans are too enveloped by the aura of Jackson himself.
Anyway, the deathbed has been pulled from auction because some bright spark realised that it might be a little distasteful selling a giant bed filled with celebrity corpse goo. Shame. We hoped a mad-scientist would buy it and try cloning an army of Michael Jacksons.
Readers’ Letters: “THIS IS MEANT TO BE A WEBSITE?!” Or “How To Make Friends With Morons”
by Michael Park on February 3, 2012 0 Comments
Yes folks, Fridays are the nicest time to be in the bedsit. It’s easier to sit in “the clean chair” and the stale stench of discarded cigarettes and methylated spirits is beginning to lift. Unfortunately, that means that the foetid stench of the hecklerspray post bag is coming through loud and clear.
It stings the nostrils.
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