Look. Look at those Muppet swine. Legless, non-blinking, fix-faced idiots. They are responsible for the moral decay of the entire world, thanks mostly to everyone being despairingly angry about the existence of Muppet Babies.

Worse than the fact Kermit walks around naked all the time, is their awful, awful agenda.

And thank God Fox is on hand to point out how EVIL all the collected Muppets really are. That’s right! hecklerspray and Fox are onto you Henson spawn! We know what you’re up to! When you’re not pushing porn songs at everyone, you’ve got a political agenda to BRAINWASH our innocent little children’s minds with! You ain’t fooling us anymore, you cute little ghoulish lefties!

On the right-minded Fox Business Channel, anchor Eric Bolling showed a clip of the new Disney movie (yes, we’re worried too) and said outright that the whole storyline of the new Muppets film was a nauseating ploy to make our children hate things.

CONSPIRACY!

The whole thing is a vehicle to plant the seeds of class warfare among our precious wickle children! CLASS WARFARE! Why has no-one noticed before?

In their latest piece of propaganda, the Muppets showcase a nasty villain called Tex Richman. He’s an oil baron. As we all know, oil barons are nice people who just want to make an honest living.

Bolling asked:

“What’s actually going on there? Is liberal Hollywood using class warfare to brainwash our kids?”

Brave Bolling was echoed by guest Dan Gainor, who, like a champ, spat:

“They’ve been doing it for decades. Hollywood — they hate the oil industry, they hate corporate America.”

No wonder Occupy Wall Street and the like is happening. They’ve all been taken on a merry dance down the liberal garden path by these fuzzy liberal gits.

And now, at last, someone is prepared to stand up to this menace. Look at Gonzo. How on Earth could anyone not take him seriously?

Hang on.

Those Muppets are pretty sweet, wholesome things aren’t they? They’re all cute and furry and funnier than a politician falling down a manhole. They’ll never get involved in any sex scandals or anything like that… not like stupid human celebs.

BUT WAIT! WHAT’S THIS?!

There’s a big ol’ link from The Muppets to soft core Italian porn! What’s going on? Are all our dreams about to be ruined? Are we actually going to start getting aroused by the new Muppets movie?! Let us explain…

Fret not! Your Muppets are safe with us.

No, this revolves around the famous Muppets tune, ‘Mahna Mahna’. Or, as it should be known, ‘Mah Nà Mah Nà‘. That’s because it’s an Italian song.

And yes, it made a debut in Umiliani’s soundtrack for Italian film Svezia, inferno e paradiso (or, if you want it in English, Sweden: Heaven and Hell). It’s a swinging sixties look about the wild sexual activity in Sweden. They’re all sex-mad in Sweden, right? Right.

The song accompanies a scene set in a sauna and was performed by a band called Marc 4 with the lead part sung by Italian singer/composer Alessandro Alessandroni.

So, can we assume that, when looking for something funny for The Muppets to sing, Jim Henson used his extensive knowledge of softcock porno to pluck Mah Nà Mah Nà from his brains?

God, we hope so.

Anyway, here’s a clip from Svezia, inferno e paradiso and the famous, famous song. And don’t worry, it is totally SAFE FOR WORK.

Enjoy!

It seems like the highly anticipated, but probably ultimately disappointing, collaboration between Versace and H&M is headed for rocky roads. Roads that are as rocky as Donatella Versace’s face.

That’s because the raggedy face fashion luminaire has decided, a few days before the actual range lands in stores, that she doesn’t like the look of people who don’t advocate bulimia as a life choice, and doesn’t want to taint her precious designs by putting them on fatties.

Ridiculous, right? Well, probably not.

Versace is famous for designs that only appeal to women who have less than one percent body fat who bump uglies with men who are in the highest percent of earners who don’t pay tax. So why should you be surprised that they aren’t suited for you? Would Rocky Dennis be able to find a beanie that would fit his swollen bonce? Of course not. He might as well just staple a quilt together and use that.

The waxwork faced designer has even refused to let “real women” model them for the promotional campaign, saying:

“Donatella will likely not approve shooting the collection on real women [because they did not] fit Versace’s branding.”

Should we be surprised that Donatella and the people at Versace have no idea what H&M customers are like? Nope. If you think differently, then you probably have no idea what you’re talking about. Turn around and go back to your Jeremy Kyle double bill on ITV2.

Just because Versace is one of the most sought after names in fashion doesn’t mean that the people behind them aren’t pus-filled glory holes. Do we really expect one woman to be able to run the entire Versace empire by herself? Of course not. She may have hair brighter than a thousand suns, but she’s not that good.

Nor does it mean that Donatella Versace herself is the person to blame behind this debacle. Even before the range was released, the rumours were that she would never do something along these lines, because the customers aren’t the same, and that it would dilute the brand. Which it will. Just because you buy a Versace piece at H&M doesn’t mean that it’s going to be an authentic piece of fashion history. Because it isn’t. Can anyone remember any pieces of the Madonna collaboration? Or the Matthew Williamson one? Exactly. They come and go like erections in the night.

Also, how can Donatella Versace give any advice when we know that she’s been practising really hard to reprise her role in Electric Mayhem, the Muppets House Band? She doesn’t need this inevitable mess on top of learning the guitar again.

So let’s not hold it against her. The poor woman has that face. She’s been punished enough.

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Hecklerspray is known for not really liking anything but when it comes to fuzzy-wuzzy, cuddly, comedic characters- we’re all over it. So you can imagine our delight when we realised that the new Muppets film draws ever closer.

The Muppets is going to be wonderful. Even if it’s the worst film ever made by human hands, it will still be wonderful, such is the strength of feeling and nostalgia for Jim Henson’s creation. That’s the kind of film that people want to see.

Admittedly, the film company seems to think that those of us in the UK want to wait three months before we see the film in cinemas but you can’t have everything.

So without much further ado. Why don’t you brighten up your Friday by taking a look at some sneak peeks of the new Muppets movie?

SONGS!

THE DESPERATE NEED FOR A CELEBRITY HOST!

ELECTROCUTION!

80s’ Movie Robots!

How can you not be excited?

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Sesame Street. Not nearly as innocent as you think. Seriously. It should be called Sesmutty Street after they threw a load of sexy filth at the eyes of the world’s children, presumably getting big furry erections and laughing at our outrage.

The official line on all of this is that the Sesame Street YouTube channel got taken offline after hackers uploaded pornographic videos.

Big Bird, Elmo and Co. are ruthlessly blaming it on some hacker called ‘Mredxwx’. Mr Ed himself has come out and said it isn’t him, mainly because his hooves and computer keyboards don’t get on. However, we can exclusively reveal that Sesame Street is, and always has been, absolute filth.

You already know that Bert Is Evil, directly involved with the KKK and the JFK assassination. Now, the rest of the gang are peddling smut to the world and blaming it on a hacker/talking horse.

Those dastardly swine at the Children’s Television Workshop posted a message alongside the X Rated material saying:

“Who doesn’t like porn kids?”

While that is 100% correct (everyone likes bongo films), they shouldn’t be so flagrant about it, forcing it upon our children and completely disregarding the thrill of shame we all have when secretly watching knacky films. STOP SPOILING IT FOR US ALL SESAME STREET.

It is estimated that 140,000 subscribing children will have been subjected to sexy times by Cookie Monster and chums. Half a billion filthy clicks! Imagine.

And we’ve got our hands on a screengrab from the Sesame Street YouTube channel during the alleged hack.

The image clearly shows Bert – him again – indulging in bestiality with what appears to be a juvenile two-headed goat. Could the residents of Sesame Street be more offensive?

Ban this sick filth.

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Yes, yes… it’s all very well being cynical and cool all the time because it means that you never have to go out on a limb and say you like something that someone else may point out is entirely gash… but sometimes you really have to.

And surely even the most cold-hearted gitwurst couldn’t fail to be thawed by the antics of the characters on Sesame Street and The Muppet Show?

As such, there’s a new film out which looks really good that will make everyone on Earth cry tears of emotional joy all down their face. Ladies and Non-Ladies, let us point you in the direction of the trailer for the splendid looking Being Elmo.

Now, because we’re being nice, we totally understand if you think this is some kind of paid-for advertorial. It really isn’t.

We just really like Jim Henson.

And this new flick looks at the guy who plays Elmo and… aw shucks… we’re already welling up just remembering the trailer we just watched.

Drop the sarcasm and leave the sneering and hooting at the door.

This. Looks. Ace.

Being Elmo Trailer

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Remember Fraggle Rock? Do you? Oooooh! Yes! There was… uh… Wembley. Red. The one in the dressing gown. Um. Those little fellas who had scaffolding made from sugar or something. And then there was the giant lummox with the allotment. And… er… Marjory the Trash Heap.

Oh, and if you watched it in the UK, there was that weirdo who lived in a lighthouse with his jaded canine.

What memories. What fuzzy, vague memories often brought about by the singing of the theme tune, especially when the lyrics were made dirty, swinging a Fraggle by its cock. Salad days. Salad days which could well be utterly ruined by the inclusion of the Scissor Sisters. What now?

That’s right! There’s going to be a feature length film of The Fraggles, which saves us from yet another hokey Muppets flick where Kermit has to do all the emoting with that sad, pathetic face of his.

It’ll be interesting to see how The Fraggles translate to the big screen. We can only imagine that they’ll escape their cave to see the outside world and generally get into scrapes as well as puzzling at the duality of the human condition… or something. Uncle Travelling Matt will probably give them good restaurant tips wherever they end up.

But no-one will be able to save the Fraggles, and us, from a musical nightmare as it has been reported that Jake Shears from the Scissor Sisters is writing the music for the movie.

That’s the man who rhymed ‘fire’ with ‘fire’, before adding fire’s best musical friend, ‘desire’. Blecch.

Personally, we don’t know why the Fraggles didn’t write their own music. They don’t need the stupid Scissor Sisters. Jake Shears never wrote a song as good as the theme tune (or the brilliant Webba Webba, which you can search for yourself on YouTube).

Sigh.

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Even hard-hearted bastards like us can’t fail to be completely overjoyed at everything involving The Muppets. Even the rubbish films that came out in the ’90s bring a certain joy that no other selection of corpse-eyed cloth creatures with hands up their sphincters can match.

And so, it’s great to hear that The Muppets, notably the original Kermit the Frog puppet, has been donated to the Smithsonian’s National Museum of American History in Washington.

The muppet was donated by creator Jim Henson’s widow Jane, along with a bunch of other characters from the 1955 TV show Sam and Friends, a precursor to the famed Muppet Show.

Henson’s oldest puppet, Pierre the French Rat, was donated, along with early versions of Cookie Monster and Oscar the Grouch.

Jane Henson said:

“I think people realized that if you put Kermit’s face up there, it was just as powerful – we were mostly just doing it to entertain ourselves.”

The original Kermit looks more like a lizard and has eyes made with ping-pong balls and skin made of green felt from an old coat thrown out by Henson’s mother.

Museum curator Dwight Blocker Bowers said the muppets would be a boon for the museum’s collection.

“It certainly shows the muppets at the beginning of the career of a large family of entertainers. More than anything, I think it shows the genius of Jim Henson.”

The Hensons are also to give the Smithsonian more puppets in the years to come, possibly including a Miss Piggy to join her weedy, but loveable boyfriend. Here’s a video and we promise that this rare moment of positivity will be replaced with sneering asides in no time at all.

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Have you heard the news? The Muppets are back in a big way, what with their Bohemian Rhapsody YouTube videos and new film and all.

And that’s great news.Why? Because the Muppets are probably the sexiest puppets in the whole world. Sexier than marionettes, that’s for sure. And easily sexier than shadow puppets. And, yes, even sexier than those full-size Japanese puppets that look like full-sized girls and have motorised genitals and giggle when you push a button on the back of their skull. God, the Muppets are SO SEXY.

Want proof? Good, you’ve come to the right place. Gentleman – and ladies, we don’t discriminate here – loosen your underwear and brace yourself for a list of 10 unbelievably sexy Muppets. Phwoar, etc…

10 – Kermit

A controversial choice, maybe, but look at the facts. 1) Kermit walks about in the nude all the time. That’s it. That’s the only fact you need, you fools. Seriously, it doesn’t matter what he’s doing – whether he’s singing a song about how sad he is or talking to a little girl about the alphabet – Kermit never wears clothes. And, holy crap, does that ever get us going.

9 – The Swedish Chef

What’s the quickest way to get to a man’s heart? Through his stomach. And what’s the quickest way to get to a Muppet’s heart? By shoving your hand up its anus. Oh, The Swedish Chef, we were made for each other. You make us SO HORNY.

8 – Fozzie Bear

You know what gets us going? Desperation. And Fozzie Bear’s got that in spades. You know what else gets us going? Singing bears in top hats. That’s right baby, you know how we like it.

7 – Miss Piggy

Not so much because she’s an insatiable, oversexed female. Because she’s a pig. We just want to have sex with a pig.

6 – Sweetums

We’re not ashamed to admit that we can’t ever achieve orgasm unless we imagine Sweetums stomping around a medieval fortress with his big flappy mouth and giant phallic nose. And if you’re honest, nor can you. Phwoar, eh? Phwoar!

5 – Sam The Eagle

A recent study showed that the only reason why people want to have sex with Sarah Palin is because she reminds them of Sam The Eagle from The Muppets. The only difference is that Sam The Eagle is an eagle and he speaks in full sentences and stuff, which makes him far sexier than Sarah Palin. Mmm.

4 – Janice

You know what the most disappointing thing about Phoebe from Friends was? The fact that she wasn’t made of felt and had eyes that could open by themselves. So thank God Janice is around for everyone to masturbate to instead, right boys?

3 – Camilla The Chicken

Look at her. What a tease. But we know what she wants. Oh, we know what she wants alright. Oh yes. Yes we do. She wants us to have sex with her.

2 – Statler And Waldorf

Fact: the one thing sexier than engaging in violent, no-holds-barred sexual intercourse with two old is engaging in violent, no-holds-barred sexual intercourse with two old men who mercilessly critique everything you do to them. That’s right, Waldorf! Tell us we’ve been naughty! Woof!

1 – Beaker

Imagine the noise that Beaker makes during sex. Oh yeah, it’d be just like having it off with a reversing lorry. A reversing lorry made out of MUPPETS! God in heaven, that’s the single sexiest thought we’ve ever had. We can’t take it any more. The Muppets are SO BLOODY SEXY.

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10 - Got four minutes? Like unfunny jokes told in an unfunny way? Then you’re going to love this…

9 - Animals on drugs – Cracked

8 - The Muppets: a history lesson – CNN

7 - A man gets needlessly worked up about how your carton of orange juice looks – Johnmamus

6 - We picked a David After Dentist parody at random. And here it is – YouTube

5 - A dreadful man releases a dreadful record - Popjustice

4 - Five ways that your mother can ruin your life – Regretfulmorning

3 - Confused by all the time travel on Lost? Well, read this. It’ll make it worse – io9

2 - An Oscar-style obituary for the soft drinks that are no longer with us – Gunaxin

1 – The greatest Japanese cat-based music video EVER - I Am Bored

It’s natural for rappers to want to diversify – Jay-Z has his sports bar, 50 Cent has his terrible films and Kanye West, well, Kanye West has puppets.

According to reports, Kanye West is developing a sort of ‘hip-hop Muppet Show‘ with Comedy Central and the makers of Crank Yankers. Kanye West hosted the pilot of the show, which could possibly be broadcast next year, plus he’ll do the music and executive produce.

It’s not know what specific tasks Kanye West will adopt as executive producer of this puppet show, but on a hunch we’d guess they involve standing in offices screaming “Make it more about me! More about me!” and then, when his changes have been implemented, standing in the same office screaming “Why’s it all about me? How DARE you insult me like this?” and then smashing up a camera under his foot.

Kanye West’s raging egotism is sort of endearing at times, isn’t it? It just infuriates him so much when people don’t see that he’s as much of a genius as he says he is. We’ve seen it flare up time and time again – at awards shows when he doesn’t win, at festivals when people get angry at him being eight hours late, at airports when people sort of look at him funny. The list goes on.

But the flipside to Kanye West’s egotism is that he always wants everyone to know everything about him. That’s why Kanye’s lyrics tend to be more introspective than the normal hip-hop fare, because he honestly seems to believe that every one of his tiny ambient thoughts that pass through his mind are of earth-shattering importance, when really we’re just lucky if any of them actually rhyme.

It’s also why Kanye West is itching to get into television. Not so long ago there was talk of Kanye West making a Curb Your Enthusiasm-style sitcom about how hilarious it is to be a millionaire megastar, but without any of CYE‘s cynicism or storytelling or jokes. But sadly that idea died pretty sharpish, so Kanye West has moved on to Plan B. Puppets. The Hollywood Reporter reports:

Comedy Central has teamed with Kanye West for a project described as hip-hop meets the Muppets. A half-hour pilot has been shot for the project, tentatively titled “Alligator Boots.” It’s from Jackhole Prods., the production company founded by Jimmy Kimmel, Daniel Kellison and Adam Carolla that also was behind Comedy Central’s puppet-centric “Crank Yankers.”

Actually, for the most part we can see a glimmer of potential in this one. Ever since The Chappelle Show finished, there’s been a need for a show that combines hip-hop and comedy. And, judging by his videos, Kanye West seems to have a strong visual flair as well. So it’ll look good and have nice music. It’ll be as funny as fishing used tampons out of a river of shit with your mouth, but at least it’ll look good and have nice music.

However, we are still somewhat troubled by this whole ‘hip-hop meets the Muppets’ notion? Doesn’t Kanye West remember the puppet gang wars of the 1990s? We lost a lot of good men back then. Did Aloysius Snuffleupagus get a testicle blown off in a drive-by for nothing? Did he?