Look. Look at those Muppet swine. Legless, non-blinking, fix-faced idiots. They are responsible for the moral decay of the entire world, thanks mostly to everyone being despairingly angry about the existence of Muppet Babies.
Worse than the fact Kermit walks around naked all the time, is their awful, awful agenda.
And thank God Fox is on hand to point out how EVIL all the collected Muppets really are. That’s right! hecklerspray and Fox are onto you Henson spawn! We know what you’re up to! When you’re not pushing porn songs at everyone, you’ve got a political agenda to BRAINWASH our innocent little children’s minds with! You ain’t fooling us anymore, you cute little ghoulish lefties!
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Those Muppets are pretty sweet, wholesome things aren’t they? They’re all cute and furry and funnier than a politician falling down a manhole. They’ll never get involved in any sex scandals or anything like that… not like stupid human celebs.
BUT WAIT! WHAT’S THIS?!
There’s a big ol’ link from The Muppets to soft core Italian porn! What’s going on? Are all our dreams about to be ruined? Are we actually going to start getting aroused by the new Muppets movie?! Let us explain…
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It seems like the highly anticipated, but probably ultimately disappointing, collaboration between Versace and H&M is headed for rocky roads. Roads that are as rocky as Donatella Versace’s face.
That’s because the raggedy face fashion luminaire has decided, a few days before the actual range lands in stores, that she doesn’t like the look of people who don’t advocate bulimia as a life choice, and doesn’t want to taint her precious designs by putting them on fatties.
Ridiculous, right? Well, probably not.
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Hecklerspray is known for not really liking anything but when it comes to fuzzy-wuzzy, cuddly, comedic characters- we’re all over it. So you can imagine our delight when we realised that the new Muppets film draws ever closer.
The Muppets is going to be wonderful. Even if it’s the worst film ever made by human hands, it will still be wonderful, such is the strength of feeling and nostalgia for Jim Henson’s creation. That’s the kind of film that people want to see.
Admittedly, the film company seems to think that those of us in the UK want to wait three months before we see the film in cinemas but you can’t have everything.
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Sesame Street. Not nearly as innocent as you think. Seriously. It should be called Sesmutty Street after they threw a load of sexy filth at the eyes of the world’s children, presumably getting big furry erections and laughing at our outrage.
The official line on all of this is that the Sesame Street YouTube channel got taken offline after hackers uploaded pornographic videos.
Big Bird, Elmo and Co. are ruthlessly blaming it on some hacker called ‘Mredxwx’. Mr Ed himself has come out and said it isn’t him, mainly because his hooves and computer keyboards don’t get on. However, we can exclusively reveal that Sesame Street is, and always has been, absolute filth.
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Yes, yes… it’s all very well being cynical and cool all the time because it means that you never have to go out on a limb and say you like something that someone else may point out is entirely gash… but sometimes you really have to.
And surely even the most cold-hearted gitwurst couldn’t fail to be thawed by the antics of the characters on Sesame Street and The Muppet Show?
As such, there’s a new film out which looks really good that will make everyone on Earth cry tears of emotional joy all down their face. Ladies and Non-Ladies, let us point you in the direction of the trailer for the splendid looking Being Elmo.
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Remember Fraggle Rock? Do you? Oooooh! Yes! There was… uh… Wembley. Red. The one in the dressing gown. Um. Those little fellas who had scaffolding made from sugar or something. And then there was the giant lummox with the allotment. And… er… Marjory the Trash Heap.
Oh, and if you watched it in the UK, there was that weirdo who lived in a lighthouse with his jaded canine.
What memories. What fuzzy, vague memories often brought about by the singing of the theme tune, especially when the lyrics were made dirty, swinging a Fraggle by its cock. Salad days. Salad days which could well be utterly ruined by the inclusion of the Scissor Sisters. What now?
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Even hard-hearted bastards like us can’t fail to be completely overjoyed at everything involving The Muppets. Even the rubbish films that came out in the ’90s bring a certain joy that no other selection of corpse-eyed cloth creatures with hands up their sphincters can match.
And so, it’s great to hear that The Muppets, notably the original Kermit the Frog puppet, has been donated to the Smithsonian’s National Museum of American History in Washington.
The muppet was donated by creator Jim Henson’s widow Jane, along with a bunch of other characters from the 1955 TV show Sam and Friends, a precursor to the famed Muppet Show.
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