Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Hey! Citizens of Planet Crud! You know what Kelly Clarkson thinks you should do? Go mug her. That’s right. Find her, and forcibly steal things from her. Why? Well, that’s because being mugged doesn’t compare to the worst kind of violation.
Leaking her songs.
That’s right. The sharing of waveforms, collected together in a shapeless, intangible file, leaked through a painless portal is way worse than lamping her on her famous head while making off with her phone and handbag.
As an 81-year-old man, you'd expect Sir Jimmy Savile to crave the quiet life, but that couldn't be further from the truth – because Jimmy Savile has started to relish being violently attacked by people six decades younger than him.
Yesterday Jimmy Savile was in Leeds for an awards ceremony when, out of nowhere, a woman in her twenties threw herself at the elderly entertainer and robbed him of his pink-tinted sunglasses before making away with them. But rather than deciding to spend the next six weeks giving interviews about the cruelty of youth and how he's too scared to leave his house any more, Jimmy Savile has described the mugging as 'marvellous.' Next week: Sir Jimmy Savile gets stabbed in the bowel by some happy-slappers and goes on to call it 'the best thing that's happened to me since the end of Jim'll Fix It'.
And the funny thing is, it probably would be, too.
