Paris Hilton And The 85,000 Horseman Of The Apocalypse It was written that this day would come. The Egyptian Sun God Horus; who was naturally begat by Jesus Christ; who was echoed by Nostradamus, and then, most poignantly of all, by Travis Bickle; all spake of a day when the worth of the people of the world would reach such a trough that our almighty lord God would be left with no alternative but to unleash a mighty rain to wash the scum off the streets. And that day is nigh, our brothers, for 85,000 people have volunteered to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend. You can waste your time watching as many Al Gore documentaries as you like, but believe hecklerspray when we tell you that global warming is nothing but a 5* hotel-funded conspiracy.

Paris Hilton’s MTV Reality Show To Be Axed? Paris Hilton’s new MTV reality show 'Paris Hilton’s My New BFF' (best friend forever) is in danger of being axed as casting directors are becoming aware that nobody really gives a shit. This is no doubt something to do with hecklerspray’s article last week, which confirmed to the masses that anyone who wants to compete to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF is a gargantuan retard. According to Trans World News, an insider said: "There were less than 40 people there." This isn’t much, but is still enough to fill a modest size room and create a scene not too dissimilar from the one’s found in videos of Hitler’s inbreeding experiments, which – it should be remembered – also failed spectacularly. But who knows, maybe MTV is better organized these days than the Nazis were? They’ve certainly got more power.

Peaches Geldof’s Reality TV Show: Hecklerspray’s Near-Miss

Hecklerspray's Matthew Laidlow recently applied for a job at a magazine, not knowing that it was to be edited by Peaches Geldof as part of an MTV reality TV show. The following is a true story... 

Firstly, let's be clear - nobody told me that I was going going for a job on a reality TV show or that Peaches Geldof was going to be the editor. Both these factors would have put me off straight away.

So here is my story of how I almost worked with the stupidly-named celebrity wannabe Peaches Geldof.

Paris Hilton Doesn’t Want To See Her New Best Friend

Everyone’s favourite spoilt slag, Paris Hilton, is refusing to meet the candidates who are competing to become her BFF (best friend forever).

Instead the candidates will first have to pass an interview with two of the casting directors of MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF’.

According to the Metro, the premise of the show is this: ‘hot bitches’ and ‘fabulously fierce guys’ – or ‘girls’ and ‘gay fellas’ as they were once known – battle it out to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend forever.

Forever!

Paris Hilton Launches Her Twonkish Reality TV Friend Search

As a person currently using the internet, chances are you don't have any friends. But Paris Hilton wants to change all that right now.

Because Paris Hilton wants you to be her friend. Well, not you obviously. Someone who's a little less likely to stab her in the eye in a fit of rage within 20 seconds of meeting her. You know, someone who - shudder - actually likes Paris Hilton.

Yesterday Paris Hilton launched her new reality TV show, entitled Paris Hilton's My New BFF - short for 'best friend forever'. The show was going to be called Paris Hilton's My New BFFTPOASLRTSAICINS - short for 'best friend for the purposes of a short-lived reality TV show and I'm certain it's not sincere', but BFF's just that little bit snappier.

MTV To Cure Paris Hilton’s Friendless State Normally when Paris Hilton needs a new friend, she goes to a puppy mill and buys one that she can stuff in her hand bag.

Since the world-wide puppy shortage, however, that has become impossible. She's tried filling that void with other animals, we heard, but the goldfish died in her mascara case and her squirrel kept trying to store nuts deep inside her. Picture yourself at a million-dollar luncheon, and acorns keep dropping out of your pant-suit. Untolerable.

Paris Hilton has given up her solo friend-search now, and is letting MTV find the yin to her yang, the Japan to her Germany, and the mindless cult to her Charles Manson. Via reality TV.

And if you don't feel enticed enough to apply yet, keep in mind we're pretty sure one of her eyes is a Johnny Depp piece of eight. Certainly that is worth your consideration.

TV Review: A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila

Have you ever watched TV and had that slight feeling of déjà vu? It tends to happen a lot on quiz shows. Be it from the same old sob story about why people need money or the dire way creators come up with a new show.

It now appears that MTV has an equally strong mission to turn its viewers' brains in to mush. And it does this by making one show and then remaking the balls off it in a billion exact same ways. So we had another 'new' programme debuted on our screens last night. We were introduced to MTV’s latest offering, A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila.  

Paris Hilton Goes To Shanghai And Nothing Else

Paris Hilton, as we've all been forced to hear for months now, is a changed woman, and now that she's out of prison once and for all, everything she'll ever do for the rest of her life will be for the greater good of mankind.

And yesterday Paris Hilton flew to Shanghai to prove this by, um, mooching around The Bund and doing some shopping and stuff. OK, while that might not seem like an especially mankindy sort of act, but bear with us - while in Shanghai, Paris Hilton is going to attend the Asian MTV Style awards. Again, a wonky-eyed internet pornstar tip-tapping around Shanghai just so that she can listlessly clap her hands at some people who've been deemed to wear clothes fairly well might not seem like the sort of thing that'd make a wider difference to humanity, but really it is - now that it has to suffer seeing Paris Hilton everywhere, maybe the people of Shanghai will learn why everyone in the west is so uptight all the time.