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MTV

MTV To Avoid More Music Videos With New Teen Wolf Series

by Shawn Lindseth

Hecklerspray’s working on a script for a television series based on Orko, the purple magician from the He-Man cartoon. It’ll be a drama. In the pilot he’ll meet a pair of lavender legs, they’ll slowly fall in love, and then half way through season three he’ll realize they’re actually his legs which have been missing [...]

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Win A Ridiculous Amount Of Camden Crawl Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

The Camden Crawl is excellent – it’s just like Glastonbury, except you’ve never heard of any of the bands and it’s in Camden, so you run the very real risk of tripping over Amy Winehouse’s comatose body at some point. However, if you’d like to win a pair of all access tickets to this month’s [...]

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Oprah Winfrey’s Network To Be Startlingly Like MTV

by Stuart Heritage

In a year’s time Oprah Winfrey is getting her own TV network, shortly followed by her own planet.

And then her own army of humanity-destroying clone robots. But until then let’s concentrate on Oprah Winfrey’s network. Nobody knows what the Oprah Winfrey Network will contain – other than non-stop footage of Oprah complaining about her weight – but the hiring of Christina Norman as CEO takes us one step closer.

You see, Christina Norman used to be the president of MTV. And, from that, we can safely assume that the Oprah Winfrey Network will contain no music videos whatsoever.

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Kerry Katona Wants To Howl Again

by Stuart Heritage

She’s been filmed giving birth and having her boobs hacked open, but now Kerry Katona is planning something even more horrifying.

We’ve saved this post until late in the day because we’re genuinely worried that, if you read it in the morning, it’d be too much to bear and you’d end up fatally attacking yourself in the face with the nearest piece of office equipment. So, now that we can only ruin a small part of the rest of your day, here goes.

Kerry Katona wants to relaunch her singing career. We know, it makes us want to cry too.

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Rock Band: The Beatles (Wigs, Drugs, Annoying Wives Not Inc)

by Stuart Heritage

Guitar Hero: Aerosmith was a brave experiement, but a successful one – now it’s time to repeat it with a band that people actually like.

It’s strongly rumoured that MTV is about to announce a forthcoming Rock Band: The Beatles edition. If it’s true, then Rock Band: The Beatles would be a truly landmark game. Not only would it mark the first time that The Beatles have licensed their music to a videogame, but also, if the song In My Life gets included in the tracklisting, it’ll also mark the debut of the Rock Band harpsichord peripheral.

It’s expected that Rock Band: The Beatles will be so realistic that it’ll actually feel like you’re one of The Beatles. For instance, John Lennon’s guitar will have easy, medium, hard and expert levels, George Harrison’s guitar will have easy, medium, hard and expert levels, Paul McCartney’s bass will have easy, medium, hard and expert levels and Ringo’s drums will have one very easy level that even a baby could play.

Guitar Hero: Aerosmith was a brave experiement, but a successful one - now it's time to repeat it with a band that people actually like. It's strongly rumoured that MTV is about to announce a forthcoming Rock Band: The Beatles edition. If it's true, then Rock Band: The Beatles would be a truly landmark game. Not only would it mark the first time that The Beatles have licensed their music to a videogame, but also, if the song In My Life gets included in the tracklisting, it'll also mark the debut of the Rock Band harpsichord peripheral. It's expected that Rock Band: The Beatles will be so realistic that it'll actually feel like you're one of The Beatles. For instance, John Lennon's guitar will have easy, medium, hard and expert levels, George Harrison's guitar will have easy, medium, hard and expert levels, Paul McCartney's bass will have easy, medium, hard and expert levels and Ringo's drums will have one very easy level that even a baby could play.
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Nooooo! Our Eyes! Kerry Katona Goes Topless!

by Matthew Laidlow

Take a portion of rice, cup full of chilli powder, nine cans of lager, a large packet of chips, cup of curry sauce from the local Chinese takeaway, a couple of mints and what do you get? Vomit-induced fun!

Mmm, all those undigested chunks floating around in a river of brown liquid either in the middle of the street, the next door neighbour’s neatly trimmed lawn or your mate’s bed.

Whilst the above combination is the result of typical student bids to be wacky and impressive, everyone can now experience the thrill of choking on their own sick. You see, everyone’s favourite reality TV star Kerry Katona has decided to show the world her boobs. Well, we’ve got to work one way or another. Even if it puts the health of the nation at risk.

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Britney Spears To Foul Up MTV VMAs After All!

by Stuart Heritage

Make no mistake, Britney Spears is the MTV VMAs, whether she’s writhing with a snake, kissing Madonna with tongues or obliterating her entire career forever.

An MTV VMAs show without Britney Spears isn’t an MTV VMAs show – it’s just an excuse for Chris Brown to wobble around like his knickers are filled up with puffer fish. So imagine how thrilled we are to learn that Britney Spears will not only be appearing at this Sunday’s MTV VMAs, but actually opening them!

It’s wonderful news, and the perfect chance for Britney Spears to erase the painful memory of her stumbling around and failing to mime to her own song at last year’s show. Now she gets to replace that with a new memory of her having a giant panic attack onstage and ending up lying in the fetal position, rocking backwards and forwards, yanking fistfuls of hair out of her scalp and screaming abuse at a monster that only she can see.

We’re guessing.

Make no mistake, Britney Spears is the MTV VMAs, whether she's writhing with a snake, kissing Madonna with tongues or obliterating her entire career forever. An MTV VMAs show without Britney Spears isn't an MTV VMAs show - it's just an excuse for Chris Brown to wobble around like his knickers are filled up with puffer fish. So imagine how thrilled we are to learn that Britney Spears will not only be appearing at this Sunday's MTV VMAs, but actually opening them! It's wonderful news, and the perfect chance for Britney Spears to erase the painful memory of her stumbling around and failing to mime to her own song at last year's show. Now she gets to replace that with a new memory of her having a giant panic attack onstage and ending up lying in the fetal position, rocking backwards and forwards, yanking fistfuls of hair out of her scalp and screaming abuse at a monster that only she can see. We're guessing.
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No MTV VMAs For Britney Spears, Despite Obvious Comic Potential

by Stuart Heritage

We knew this day would come, but we never really managed to prepare for it. It’s the day that – God, this is hard – Britney Spears gained self-awareness.

What makes us so sure of this? How about the fact that, despite rumours to the contrary, Britney Spears has refused to perform at this year’s MTV VMAs? Apparently she fears it’ll be a hopelessly incompetent retread of last year’s hopelessly incompetent MTV VMA performance, recently voted the biggest single atrocity to ever happen to mankind by us in a vote in our head just now.

You know what this means, don’t you? Without Britney Spears around, the MTV VMAs is going to be – gulp – professional. Urgh. Seriously, one of the Jonas Brothers had better be planning to soil himself onstage and then slip around in the mess like a baby deer on an ice rink, because right now that’s all we’ve got left to cling to.

We knew this day would come, but we never really managed to prepare for it. It's the day that - God, this is hard - Britney Spears gained self-awareness. What makes us so sure of this? How about the fact that, despite rumours to the contrary, Britney Spears has refused to perform at this year's MTV VMAs? Apparently she fears it'll be a hopelessly incompetent retread of last year's hopelessly incompetent MTV VMA performance, recently voted the biggest single atrocity to ever happen to mankind by us in a vote in our head just now. You know what this means, don't you? Without Britney Spears around, the MTV VMAs is going to be - gulp - professional. Urgh. Seriously, one of the Jonas Brothers had better be planning to soil himself onstage and then slip around in the mess like a baby deer on an ice rink, because right now that's all we've got left to cling to.
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Kerry Katona: Officially Poorer Than You!

by Matthew Laidlow

Big questions have been asked by us humans – over thousands of years, we’ve all wondered “where do we come from?” “what is the meaning of life?” and “where is the bloody remote control?” Another mind bending puzzle is the one set by Iceland – not the country, but the supermarket. They ask us “why [...]

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Britney Spears Never Learns Vol. 15: A Return to Reality TV

by Ian Dransfield

Why can’t Britney Spears just decide whether or not she’s actually getting better? There’s no punchline to that, by the way, it’s just a question. Maybe it’s because of her ridiculous legal fees, or maybe it has any other real reason behind it, but Britney Spears is reportedly in talks for another reality show for [...]

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