Hecklerspray’s working on a script for a television series based on Orko, the purple magician from the He-Man cartoon.

It’ll be a drama. In the pilot he’ll meet a pair of lavender legs, they’ll slowly fall in love, and then half way through season three he’ll realize they’re actually his legs which have been missing since shortly after birth. Initially this will pose an ethical dilemma, but then they’ll move to Vermont and get married anyway.

We’ve a guy at TBS that says he’s very interested. MTV doesn’t have room for more 80’s fanfare – they’re too busy bringing back Teen Wolf.

MTV’s decided for some reason to make an entire series out of Michael J Fox’s Teen Wolf movie. We’re not sure why they did this, but we assume it’s because anything with strong bestiality overtones is currently very popular with young people.

You gotta go to the well with water, know what we mean?

Personally we think this is a mistake that will only add to the slow erosion of societal values that we’ve all historically benefited from. A couple seasons of Doc Hollywood, on the other hand, now that we can totally get behind. Did you hear that VH1? Listen to us! We’re your targeted demographic!

Had you heard about Teen Wolf making a howling (sorry) comeback? You hadn’t? Well then read this bit from THR:

“MTV’s reinvention of the 1980s movie “Teen Wolf” is inching closer to reality with a pilot presentation order. The cable network announced the project in January as part of its development slate. After seeing the script, MTV brass picked it up to presentation. The 1985 film starred Michael J. Fox as a teenager who discovers he is a werewolf. The MTV version will be set in high school, draw from the horror genre to explore werewolf mythology and include a romantic plot line.”

We’re sure you all are thinking that MTV is just jumping on the werewolf bandwagon that’s been made so popular by Twilight. Well this isn’t true – there are differences galore! They’ll only hire actual actors to portray the various roles, for instance.

And if you didn’t like the original Teen Wolf movies, well don’t you worry about that either. As far as we can tell nobody intends to stick to a blue print. For instance this time instead of descending from a long line of were-people, the main character is created when his pregnant mother falls into a large vat of dog spoo that had been harvested by a small town for its skin replenishing capabilities.

You may think the writers made up the rejuvenating part – but they didn’t. That’s why we heard in ski-towns Walgreen’s sells dog ejaculent by the pint.

Another difference between the MTV Teen Wolf and it’s 80s parent is the teenage-lead’s transformed-dog-self has an obvious splash of poodle in him.

This will be really nice for people who like gay dogs.

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The Camden Crawl is excellent – it’s just like Glastonbury, except you’ve never heard of any of the bands and it’s in Camden, so you run the very real risk of tripping over Amy Winehouse’s comatose body at some point.

However, if you’d like to win a pair of all access tickets to this month’s Camden Crawl, plus tickets to the afterparty party plus the chance to watch a Camdem Crawl act being filmed for an exclusive MTV session at the MTV studios, then you need to watch this video and do exactly what it tells you to do. And if you don’t want any of that, then watch the video anyway – there really are a lot of very silly haircuts to look at.

And then her own army of humanity-destroying clone robots. But until then let’s concentrate on Oprah Winfrey’s network. Nobody knows what the Oprah Winfrey Network will contain – other than non-stop footage of Oprah complaining about her weight – but the hiring of Christina Norman as CEO takes us one step closer.

You see, Christina Norman used to be the president of MTV. And, from that, we can safely assume that the Oprah Winfrey Network will contain no music videos whatsoever.

As normally-functioning human beings, it’s probably safe to assume that you often find yourself frustrated at the lack of media outlets featuring Oprah Winfrey. Because, aside from the TV show, the magazine, the radio station, the books and the movies she’s producing, there really isn’t anything there for you.

But relax! Early next year Oprah Winfrey is getting her own TV network. A year ago it was announced that Oprah Winfrey was taking over the Discovery Health channel – home to much-loved shows such as Plastic Surgery: Before And After and the bellydance-fixated Shimmy – and rebranding it as the Oprah Winfrey Network or OWN, which we presume is the closest she could get to OBEY without having to change her name.

However, the question of what would actually fill the Oprah Winfrey Network was a mystery up until now. Because now, as the LA Times reports, Oprah has hired Christina Norman from MTV as her CEO:

Norman spent 17 years with Viacom Inc.’s MTV cable empire before stepping down last year as MTV president. Before that, she ran its sister channel, VH-1. Norman initially discussed the CEO position with the owners last spring, “but the timing wasn’t right,” she said in an interview. Then last Friday, she accepted the job. “It’s an incredible opportunity and a great time to be starting a new network when so much is changing.”

So, MTV, huh? That means, using our unstoppable logic, that the Oprah Winfrey Network is going to be exactly like MTV. And to prove our point, we’ve half-inched Oprah’s development slate for the channel. These are the shows we’ve discovered…

The Phils – An exciting reality TV show about the trials and tribulations of Dr Phil and his pack of upwardly mobile friends. Will Dr Phil ever forgive his bitchy best friend for trash-talking him at a recent party? Will Dr Phil finally bite the bullet and kiss Spencer Pratt on the lips with tongues? Watch and find out!

My Super Sweet 16 Stone – An aspirational documentary following planning an execution of a lavish party that Oprah Winfrey throws to celebrate the fact that she only weighs 16 stone instead of the usual 20. This will be a weekly show because of Oprah’s constant, dramatic weight fluctuation.

Fibs - Oprah Winfrey takes us on a tour of her lavish home – and in every room, chained to the wall, is a different person that has lied to her in the past. Look, there’s James Frey! Look, there’s that Holocaust guy! Oprah doesn’t even feed them! Fun!

Ah, that’s enough for now. We don’t want to spoil too many surprises.

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We’ve saved this post until late in the day because we’re genuinely worried that, if you read it in the morning, it’d be too much to bear and you’d end up fatally attacking yourself in the face with the nearest piece of office equipment. So, now that we can only ruin a small part of the rest of your day, here goes.

Kerry Katona wants to relaunch her singing career. We know, it makes us want to cry too.

You know, we’re not sure that we trust Kerry Katona any more. Just take her infamous slurred This Morning interview last year. In the interview, Kerry Katona denied that she was an alcoholic – and then, a few weeks later, she reversed her decision and admitted her alcoholism to a newspaper.

Also in that interview, Kerry Katona answered a question about her possible return to music by saying “No. No. I wouldn’t do that to you poor people.” That’s a statement that’s entirely at odds with a report in yesterday’s News Of The World which claimed that Kerry is in fact brewing up a plot to resume her singing career. Look:

Kerry Katona is re-launching her pop career… And get a load of this — the airhead wants to WRITE her own songs too. Yes, this is the same Kerry who can’t sing, the same Kerry who murdered karaoke on that dippy MTV show of hers… An MTV insider confirmed: “It’s all Kerry’s idea and we’re going to be along for the ride.”

Oh excellent, Kerry Katona is going to dip her toes back into the music industry. You’ll remember that, before she made the transition to being the worst woman on the face of the planet on a full-time, professional basis, Kerry Katona used to be a member of Atomic Kitten. Or maybe you don’t remember that, since nobody had actually heard of Atomic Kitten until the other two decided to boot Kerry out.

But anyway, read that paragraph again. That’s right – MTV is involved in Kerry Katona’s plan to relaunch her singing career. Jesus, haven’t we had enough Kerry Katona MTV documentaries already? We’ve already seen Kerry Katona smoke during her pregnancy, Kerry Katona have her knockers chopped up by a surgeon and Kerry Katona literally push a human being out of her vagina for the sake on entertainment – surely letting her sing in public is a step too far. Because, short of making a documentary about Kerry Katona deliberately driving a car into a tree at full speed while screaming “Are you happy now, world?” there aren’t many place you take this format, really.

But back to our original point – we can’t trust a thing that Kerry Katona says. She’s not an alcoholic and then she is one. She’s not returning to music and then she is. What else did Kerry Katona lie about in that This Morning interview? She also said “AMMA TWENNYATEYERAWLD WOMMA!” in the interview at one point, but can we even believe that any more? Are you, Kerry? Are you really a twennyateyerawld womma? We find it hard to believe, frankly.

Read more:

Kerry Katona’s Back – NOTW

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It’s strongly rumoured that MTV is about to announce a forthcoming Rock Band: The Beatles edition. If it’s true, then Rock Band: The Beatles would be a truly landmark game. Not only would it mark the first time that The Beatles have licensed their music to a videogame, but also, if the song In My Life gets included in the tracklisting, it’ll also mark the debut of the Rock Band harpsichord peripheral.

It’s expected that Rock Band: The Beatles will be so realistic that it’ll actually feel like you’re one of The Beatles. For instance, John Lennon’s guitar will have easy, medium, hard and expert levels, George Harrison’s guitar will have easy, medium, hard and expert levels, Paul McCartney’s bass will have easy, medium, hard and expert levels and Ringo’s drums will have one very easy level that even a baby could play.

The battle between Rock Band and Guitar Hero is getting more and more intense by the second. On one hand, there’s Rock Band 2 – a tried and tested party favourite that comes with such a tidal wave of downloadable music from exclusive bands that you’d never ever get bored of playing it. And on the other hand there’s Guitar Hero: World Tour – the game that has less songs, more lukewarm reviews and happens to be what we’re getting for Christmas. Tits.

And now, just to make matters worse, Rock Band is on the brink of announcing that it’s secured rights to bring out an exclusive game based on the music of The Beatles. Here’s how Variety is reporting the impending Rock Band: The Beatles:

MTV is set to announce Thursday what it promises is an “unprecedented global music project” with Apple Corp., administrator of the Beatles catalog. Videogame industryites are widely speculating that at least part of the project will involve getting Beatles songs for MTV’s music videogame “Rock Band.” The Wall Street Journal reported late Wednesday that just such a partnership will be announced.

Rock Band: The Beatles is just another sign that The Beatles are slowly coming to accept digital distribution. Several of The Beatles’ solo works are available on iTunes now, plus the release of their Love album in 2006 demonstrates a new willingness to jump on any passing bandwagon, no matter how crappy, if it means that Paul McCartney will get a little bit richer.

But what of Rock Band: The Beatles itself? Well, we hear that the game will take players through all the stages of The Beatles’ career, starting with their black and white moptop days, through into their golden period of musical experimentation and then finally a section where players earn points by glumly refusing to talk to each other and having protracted legal battles about money.

Then, depending on what instrument you’re playing, the final stage either involves being shot in the head, being stabbed by an intruder, having half your points taken away from you by a weird old one-legged woman (Rock Band prosthetic leg peripheral sold separately) or going a bit mental because people keep sending you letters.

But anyway, now that Rock Band: The Beatles looks like it’s going to be a reality, perhaps one of the music games can get around to bringing out an expansion pack based on the biggest band of them all. That’s right, The Spin Doctors. You know it makes sense.

Mmm, all those undigested chunks floating around in a river of brown liquid either in the middle of the street, the next door neighbour’s neatly trimmed lawn or your mate’s bed.

Whilst the above combination is the result of typical student bids to be wacky and impressive, everyone can now experience the thrill of choking on their own sick. You see, everyone’s favourite reality TV star Kerry Katona has decided to show the world her boobs. Well, we’ve got to work one way or another. Even if it puts the health of the nation at risk.

If people in the south of England were looking for a person they believed represented the apparent grim north of England, then Kerry Katona would be that individual. With multiple children from multiple fathers crawling out the woodwork and allegations of partners cheating during pregnancy, Kerry’s life has all the ingredients for Jeremy Kyle’s wet dream.

For poor Kerry, life hasn’t been a fairytale. Honestly, it’s like Stephen King has given up trying to scare people with evil cars and instead wants to make the most grotesque human being ever.

Kerry Katona has threatened to distort our vision with parts of her wobbly body before. She was offered money by MTV to drop her pants and show the world her Atomic Kitten.

Honestly, MTV must be running out of American imported programmes, because they’ve again signed up Katona to show off her body having litres of fat, cigarette ash and alcohol sucked out of it. Maybe she gets to keep it in a jar.

The show – which definitely has no bitter references to her ex-bandmates – is called Kerry Katona: Whole Again and will be airing later this month. In a statement from the channel, we’re promised that “following the birth of her fourth child in April, image conscious Kerry has been eager to regain her original popstar status of sexy, blonde bombshell.”

The key words there being ‘image conscious’. Or, a more literal translation: “I’ll never get on the front of multiple shit womens’ magazines if I have one tit five times the size of the other and a belly that you could rest a pint on”. There you are kids, who says people up north are stupid?

So what spin-off documenting Kerry Katona’s life will be snapped up next? Between now and Christmas we expect to see at least four of the following:

Kerry Katona gets knocked unconscious by a falling conker.

Kerry Katona locks herself out the house.

Kerry Katona gets chased by a squirrel.

Kerry Katona falls down a manhole.

Kerry Katona visits Iceland the country.

Kerry Katona visits Iceland the supermarket to see what she actually promotes.

Kerry Katona solves the credit crunch, slows down global warming and reduces fuel prices all before teatime.

An MTV VMAs show without Britney Spears isn’t an MTV VMAs show – it’s just an excuse for Chris Brown to wobble around like his knickers are filled up with puffer fish. So imagine how thrilled we are to learn that Britney Spears will not only be appearing at this Sunday’s MTV VMAs, but actually opening them!

It’s wonderful news, and the perfect chance for Britney Spears to erase the painful memory of her stumbling around and failing to mime to her own song at last year’s show. Now she gets to replace that with a new memory of her having a giant panic attack onstage and ending up lying in the fetal position, rocking backwards and forwards, yanking fistfuls of hair out of her scalp and screaming abuse at a monster that only she can see.

We’re guessing.

Say what you like about Britney Spears but she isn’t a quitter. Nope. She definitely isn’t a quitter. Britney Spears never quits. Not even when it’s blindingly obvious to everyone that quitting would probably be the most dignified and medically sensible thing she could do. No way, that’s not Britney Spears.

Case in point – Britney’s embarrassingly lacklustre performance at last year’s MTV VMAs. The hair was bad, the dancing was sloppy, the abdominal muscles were crayoned on and – although the feeling of sad desperation was actually quite convincing – the whole thing was so bad that people were calling it Britney’s lowest moment of all time.

But Britney’s not a quitter. Contrary to a statement by her own manager last week, Britney Spears has just announced that she’s going to take to the stage once more and dramatically open the 2008 MTV VMAs on Sunday. Reuters reports:

“MTV has long played an important role in my career,” Spears said in a statement. “How can I not be there to kick off their 25th VMAs? I’m excited to open the entire show, to say hi to my fans and to be nominated.”

Now, you might think that Britney Spears has lost her mind for opening the MTV VMAs – after all, she hasn’t performed in public at all since last year and she’ll be under more scrutiny than ever before on Sunday – but you have nothing to worry about.

Last year’s trainwreck? That was the old Britney Spears. On Sunday you’ll see the brand new Britney Spears, a woman who’s spent the last year being kept in a mental asylum and constantly getting reminded that she’s a dangeously unfit parent. See? Nothing to worry about.

We don’t know what Britney Spears has planned for the MTV VMAs on Sunday – details are being kept tightly under wraps at the moment – but we honestly hope it goes well for her. Our advice to Britney Spears is that if she wants to make people love her again, she should remind them of why they loved her by doing something genuinely popular that she’s already done before.

That’s right, we want Britney Spears to take her knickers off and divorce Kevin Federline again. It’ll go down a storm, trust us.

What makes us so sure of this? How about the fact that, despite rumours to the contrary, Britney Spears has refused to perform at this year’s MTV VMAs? Apparently she fears it’ll be a hopelessly incompetent retread of last year’s hopelessly incompetent MTV VMA performance, recently voted the biggest single atrocity to ever happen to mankind by us in a vote in our head just now.

You know what this means, don’t you? Without Britney Spears around, the MTV VMAs is going to be – gulp – professional. Urgh. Seriously, one of the Jonas Brothers had better be planning to soil himself onstage and then slip around in the mess like a baby deer on an ice rink, because right now that’s all we’ve got left to cling to.

Has anyone else noticed a quiet turning around of Britney Spears’ public image lately? It seems like she’s winning people over again. Maybe that’s because people feel sorry for her, or maybe it’s because she’s not leathering the shit out of their cars with an umbrella any more, but lately public support for Britney Spears has grown so much that she even gets praised for going out without looking a mess.

And this public rehabilitation seems to have made Britney Spears cleverer as well. Case in point – Britney Spears isn’t going to perform at the MTV VMAs any more.

You’ll remember what happened last time Britney Spears did the MTV VMAs, of course. The stumbling, the miming, the hair extensions, the drawn-on abs, the listless crotch-grabbing. It was brilliant. Not for Britney Spears, obviously – it sent her spiralling into a psychological hellpit that she’s never fully recovered from – but it was fun to watch, and isn’t that what’s most important?

There were rumours that Britney Spears wanted a redo of the performance at this year’s MTV VMAs next month, but sadly they’ve turned out to be a big fat bag of lies. Yahoo reports:

“Contrary to media reports, Britney was never slated to perform on this year’s VMAs,” Larry Rudolph, Spears’ manager at Jive Records, said in a statement. “She’s in the middle of recording her next album, which is going amazingly well, and her focus remains on the studio.”

Is it just us, or does Britney Spears not seem like Britney Spears if she’s behaving normally? We’re worried. The old Britney would have jumped at the chance to perform at the MTV VMAs, then forgotten to prepare for it, then started to cry halfway through her performance, then tried to lick the tears out of her own eyes in the mistaken belief that they were made of gin, fallen into the orchestra pit and started to hump a tuba. That’s the Britney we all know and love.

What next? Is Britney Spears going to display enough parental competency to be allowed to look after her children again? Good lord, we hope not. Urgh.

Another mind bending puzzle is the one set by Iceland – not the country, but the supermarket. They ask us “why do mums go to Iceland?” Let us tell you now Mr Iceland: it’s not to see your bloody spokesperson Kerry Katona.

Famous for winning a show made up of people who aren’t that famous, Kerry has clung on to that little bit of former glory and pumped out every bit of success juice. From said supermarket deals to shambolic TV shows, she’s still snapping at the heels of publicity.

Always known for bad news and never anything positive, she’s back again to inform us that she has crashed and burned. Kerry has no money left to spend on curries, drugs or prawn rings after being declared bankrupt.

Remember, this is the woman who once said she’d never get her downstairs lady area out, then she had a sudden change of heart and decided to let MTV film the birth of her fourth child. We know that some couples automatically see this as a money spinning opportunity such as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Some people like Matt Damon and Matt Damon’s wife, however, don’t do it straight away.

So spare a thought for poor Max Croft, the latest spawn from the evil empire of Kerry Katona’s womb. A vomit stained midwife wasn’t waiting to welcome him into the world – oh no, once he was squeezed out he was faced with some cameraman zooming in on him having his first dump.

Moments like these should be cherished within the family, not broadcast to the nation and subsequently put on Youtube. At least other famous couples allow their offspring a chance to gulp some air before being used as a cash cow.

For ages now, Kerry has faced stories of alleged drug-taking during pregnancy, stories of her being a prostitute and then not being a street servant after the lawyers got involved. Even her own mother was accused off whoring her out so she could write gritty details of her life for a book that never existed.

Whatever the case, one story that has never gone away has been Kerry Katona’s never ending lack of money. Despite being paid for her MTV show, a follow up show, deals to promote frozen turnips, magazine spreads and legal payouts for damages she is still a few pennies short.

Not that we’re money experts or anything, but purchasing extravagant cars and other luxury items probably wouldn’t help. After a year of asking for money, Katona failed to pay the final £82,000 of a £417,000 tax bill which was issued against her in January.

We’re unsure if she’ll be dragged kicking and screaming from her house as the bailiffs come and take everything – apart from a few chewed pens she has tried to extract the ink from for food. But according to the BBC’s handy guide on bankruptcy, it looks like the family may have to raid Iceland for used cardboard boxes for shelter. The Beeb describe bankruptcy in a nutshell as:

“The traditional way of escaping overwhelming debt. Ends after one year, but you are likely to lose all your assets including your house to pay something to the creditors.”

However, we can guarantee she’ll issue a statement denying the whole debt thing and that everything is totally fine with her finances. And to celebrate false media claims, the couple will celebrate by taking their kids to the moon in a magic Porsche convertible which they just bought at Argos.

There’s no punchline to that, by the way, it’s just a question. Maybe it’s because of her ridiculous legal fees, or maybe it has any other real reason behind it, but Britney Spears is reportedly in talks for another reality show for MTV.

While we’re not so cynical as to deny there may be genuine reasons for the show, we are cynical enough to expect this to be one of the worst decisions she has ever made. Reality shows aren’t exactly the fast-track to normality that Britney seems to think they are, and her reasons of ‘to get me mah kids back’ isn’t exactly the finest of reasons to put yourself on worldwide public display.

While you’re recovering from a mental breakdown. While your dad has to look after you. While you’re trying desperately not to humiliate yourself publicly again. Someone have a word with the girl, please.

While we were content to see stories of Britney complaining about how much she’s paid to not get her kids back and how much they like her spaghetti (home made sauce, apparently), evidently young Ms Spears isn’t that content. She wants us to be able to laugh at her again – she wants us to mock her, violently.

It’s almost as if she’s read that hecklerspray has been complaining about feeling somewhat sympathetic towards her. It’s very kind of her to try and get some semblance of normality re-established, and it’s especially kind of her to bring us back our Britney-smile which we lost so long ago.

According to monstersandcritics.com:

The proposed programme will focus on Britney’s attempts to get her life and career back on track following her breakdown earlier this year.

So presumably it will focus on Britters as she tries to hock her reality TV show to anyone who will listen, seeing as that seems to be her method of getting her life back on track. How being a star of a reality show is good grounds to give someone their kids back we don’t know, but that seems to be the prevalent thought running through this.

A source told The Daily Star newspaper these words:

“Britney’s dad is furious. He thinks it’s a big mistake and doesn’t want anything to do with it. But Britney thinks it will help her custody battle for her two sons.”

Whereas a ‘pal’ – the Star’s words, not ours – was as upbeat as one would expect from such a potential development:

“This could turn out to be the biggest car crash television moment of all time.”

Frankly, so long as she doesn’t have any serious mental breakdowns during the show, that could be a very good thing. We all need to be perked up in this post-9/11, credit crunch knife-crime fueled world of war and the lack of basic human rights. So what better way than to laugh at the very public downfall of a celebrity?

Though we would like to offer some constructive criticism for Britney Spears – she could come up with some new material. We mean, we’ve seen her have a public breakdown before, it’s not like this is anything new to the lay person.

Maybe if she happened to have an accident at a toxic waste plant and got herself some superpowers it would have a real draw for the audience, but as it stands it just looks to be the repeated downfall of that one who went out with Kevin Federline. Not ‘great’ TV by anyone’s imagination.

There are many, many better ways. Surely. Hooking up with that mad-haired berk isn’t going to help her claw back the piles and piles of sanity the girl seems to have lost over the last couple of years.

Let’s be totally honest – it’s going to damage her more than she already is, and that’s before she’s even spoken to the man who dresses like a particularly stupid pirate.

But hecklerspray didn’t get in fast enough with our warnings, leaving poor old crazy Britney Spears free to appear alongside Russell Brand in some MTV promotional adverts for the upcoming Video Music Awards.

It still isn’t confirmed if Britters herself will be in attendance at the awards as she hasn’t got permission off her dad yet, but hopefully the blow to her psyche that surely occurred when she met the TV and radio ‘funny’ man will have been too much, forcing her to stay at home on the night. The other option doesn’t even bear thinking about, frankly.

For now, the only thing we can say with so-called ‘facts’ backing us up is that there have been a few promotional skits released and… well… they’re quite good, really.

Brand is still an irritating prannock, but he does at least have the good sense to make a joke of the fact that no one in the US knows who he is – and believe us, oh American readers out there, you don’t want to know who Russell Brand is – whereas Britney is actually quite charming, seemingly happy to poke fun at herself.

Does this mean we’re allowed to make fun of her again? Or is it still too serious an issue, that she’s gone mental and her life has fallen to pieces and all that gumph? No? Still not cool? Okay – just checking.

Did we mention there’s an elephant in the videos? Yes – in an all-too-subtle move on the part of the ad creators, they’ve decided to quite literally tackle the issue of the elephant in the room. And it’s actually borderline clever, the crafty little buggers – obviously it’s still blatant enough for the MTV’s core demographic to get the joke (it’s referring to Britney’s performance at last year’s VMAs, you fools!), but at the same time it’s pretty brave on their part.

We should stop writing with hangovers, it makes us too nice.

Russell Brand is an arsehole, Britney Spears went mental let’s all point and laugh… ahh, that feels better.

Anyway, a couple of the ads are below for your viewing pleasure. They’re bound to raise at least a smile, and it’s good to see Britney looking less like a skank-harpy of death (twice in a month). She leaves that honour to Brand.

Zing!

If a 23-year-old male singer were to say that they wanted to kiss a 15-year-old pop sensation on Sunday, they would rightly be chastised. Probably shot or lynched too. Or just looked down on a lot. They’d probably write a book about their experiences a few years down the line, when the dust had settled.

But when it’s a 23-year-old female singer saying they want to play tonsil hockey with a child this Sunday then it’s just laughed off… Hang on – what? That’s not funny. That’s just dodgy.

Yes kids, everyone’s favourite possible condom saleschild and she who makes frankly incomprehensible videos especially for our new editor’s birthday, Miley Cyrus, has come out and said she will not be engaging in some same-sex-underage-dear-god-that’s-just-plain-weird smooching with Katy Perry.

‘Who the hell is Katy Perry though?!’, hecklerspray hears you cry, and frankly, we’re not sure either. Apparently she’s had some hits with some songs that seem to hint at a fondness for homosexuality – her two biggest hits of ‘UR So Gay’ and ‘I Kissed A Girl’ would seem to attest to this. No big deal, the girl can like who she wants to like.

But when you’re blatantly trying to fire up some kind of media frenzy by offering to publicly snog a kid then, well, you need to be told when to stop. Last time hecklerspray tried something similar we were subjected to beatings on a nightly basis by a man with tattoos on his eyeballs, whose nickname included the words ‘nonce’ and ‘basher’.

After being informed of Katy Perry’s apparent wish to take advantage of an underage girl, thus recreating the Britney Spears and Madonna ‘hot’ action of sharing a smooch on stage, young (emphasis on young there) Miley told E!:

“No thanks. She sang on my record. So I think she’s kind of getting back at me, because she was doing harmonies and backgrounds.”

Is that bitchy? hecklerspray doesn’t understand Ameri-child speak, much as we are forced to put up with it. It would fit in with Miley’s apparent new character of pure, unadulterated evil that she seems to be cultivating, so yes – we’ll go with ‘bitchy’.

We just have one real question about all of this: why does no one seem to realise that Miley Cyrus is still a kid? She certainly doesn’t seem to, the constant stream of unsettling news about her possible nudity/semi nudity in showers doesn’t seem to want to do anything but appeal to the dodgy among us and things like this don’t really help.

So Katy Perry, please, in future keep your hands, lips and everything else to yourself. At least until Miley’s over the age of consent, then knock yourself out.

People still talk about Britney’s VMA performance of Gimme More with the glazed tremble of a war survivor. The bikini, the drawn-on stomach, the stumbling, the dire miming – as well as effectively ending Britney Spears’ career for good it also caused up to 300 unwitting viewers to completely lose their eyesight.

Clearly, then, Britney Spears would be stupid to ever return to the MTV VMAs. Worse than stupid, in fact – Britney Spears would be showing such a profound lack of self-awareness that she should be encased in ice and sent around schools as a warning to future generations of the negative effects of celebrity.

So what might Britney Spears do at this year’s MTV VMAs? That’s right. Oh, don’t look so surprised.

Over the last couple of years, Britney Spears’ life has descended into a kind of thick featureless bad news goo – like a traffic pile-up so vast you can’t even see the individual car wrecks any more, just a mottled ocean of twisted metal that stretches off to the horizon in all directions.

Despite this, though, a few moments still stick out as being particularly rubbish. There was the time that Britney Spears shaved all her hair off, for example – that was the horrible harbinger for everything to come. Then there was the time Britney went to a mental hospital and was diagnosed as Gravely Disabled, the closest Britney’s come so far to hitting rock bottom.

And then there was Britney Spears’ performance at the MTV VMAs last year.

It’s almost been a year since Britney Spears decided to open the MTV VMAs with a spectacular comeback performance of her then new song Gimme More. There were rumours that the routine was going to be a career-high showstopper designed to silence the critics, featuring magic and fireworks and explosions. That’s not what we got, though.

What we got was Britney Spears in rancid hair extensions, wearing the least flattering bikini in creation and abs airbrushed onto her stomach. Britney stumbled around cluelessly for three minutes, looking like she barely knew her own name, let alone the words to her song, and then ran offstage in tears knowing that she’d become a monumental global joke.

It was awful. So needless to say she might be doing it all over again in a couple of months. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Troubled pop star Britney Spears will have another chance to storm the MTV stage, after receiving a nomination for this year’s Video Music Awards. The star has been nominated by network bosses in the category of Best Female Video for her hit single “Piece of Me,” competing alongside a list of music’s top female rockers.

OK, so it’s just a nomination for now, but MTV bosses must want her to sing – a performance by Britney Spears would get them more publicity than anything else on Earth. And, you know what, it might not be such a bad idea. Here’s why:

1) Britney Spears has just done that tour video for Madonna. If that doesn’t set up a redo of their lesbian VMA kiss from five years ago, nothing will.

2) Britney can wear clothes properly now. That’s a start.

3) Now that she’s firmly under the care of her family, Britney Spears can concentrate fully on the performance without distraction.

4) Britney’s lost her kids forever. See above.

5) This is the most important one. No matter what Britney Spears does during her MTV VMA performance this year, it can never ever ever be as bad as last year. She can go round shitting into nuns’ eyes if she likes. No, no she can’t. She should.

The very same days when it used to play the occasional music video as well. Times have now changed and seemingly anyone that’s been in the papers is getting their own show on the once-credible network.

In the past, viewers have had to endure washed up pop star Lisa Scott Lee and her crap attempt at trying to get a song into the charts. Even the human car crash that is Kerry Katona has given us a warts-and-all show, literally, to give an insight into the life of a fame-hungry, media-seeking bint, who also happens to be another failed musician. If you can call her that. And lest we forget Tila Tequila, social crusader.

He may not be a singer of any kind, but Calum Best has pointlessly been baptised into the celebrity world. His dad was a footballer, you know. And a chap with a passion for alcohol, so much so it broke his liver. So, simply because he came from Best Snr’s semen, young Calum automatically becomes famous… ?

Annoying for us, isn’t it, The scum of the world? We do our day-to-day jobs and we never get noticed for it, yet someone else gets a leg up on the fame ladder simply because Daddy kicked a ball about a bit. One rule for celebrities and another for us. Hecklerspray has tons of mates in other professions. Our mate Phil is a mechanic. Would you let us repair your vehicle because we know someone in that trade? Of course not.

After actually wondering what Calum Best has done to make the world a better place, we’ve failed to find anything. Has he inherited the fancy footwork of his late father?

At one point, he did try out for Man Utd, but gave it up to be a model. Not the best career move, it saw him relocate to badly-made reality shows like Love Island. He’s not a global activist either, campaigning to free the rare Glaktal Thai jellyfish that has a world population of 351, or whatever it is these people do.

He’s actually just a serial shagger.

Based on his proper laddish reputation, a monkey at MTV came up with a show to no doubt send teenage girls into fits of hysterical swooning. The press release really does say it all:

“Best’s challenge during the show will be to remain celibate for 50 days. The Celebrity Love Island star will tour the world attempting to ditch his lothario image.”

Why Calum Best? And who at MTV thinks we want to see someone not wank? He’s the least talented person in the world of already-talentless celebrities. An unskilled Polish bricklayer with no hands – or eyes – has more skills than him. If anything it’s something that would be more appropriate to God TV. Christians have to give something up for lent when Easter rolls around. So why not wait ’til next year to screen the show – we can wait – and make it a topical religious program?

If he can’t go without fondling himself for 50 days, then it leaves a problem for MTV. Whilst they may find themselves short on episodes, at least they can keep the footage of the dirty deed for resale. We’re sure there are people out there who are into that sort of thing. It may generate enough money for a cup of coffee at least.

Hmm, it leaves us with a dilemma too. For a potential 50 days we can’t call him a wanker. We’ll just have to resort to naming him a twat. Oh well.

For one you get a dating show on MTV all about how you’re wacky and bisexual – what ker-azyness – and then you get to tell the world you’ve single-handedly changed it, giving gay couples the rights they deserve.

It’s an audacious claim, that’s for sure.

See, this ‘Tila Tequila’ thing is claiming she/he/it was instrumental in the recent decision of the Californian government to drop its ban on gay marriage. Tequila is claiming that her TV show A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila broke down boundaries, brought people together and quashed all prejudices around the whole of the west coast state. As she said to USMagazine.com:

“It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement”

Not content with this simple, ridiculous claim, the spirited one went on:

“Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal.”

What we at hecklerspray don’t understand is, if it were so simple to get this change to come about, why didn’t Tequila do something earlier? Or why didn’t she inform the legions of campaigners for gay rights that there was a simple, affordable, MTV-based way in which they could achieve equality?

We’re guessing it’s because she’s full of hate, just like Katherine Heigl. Or maybe she was just too dumb to realise how much she could really make a difference in this world, taking on all comers and fighting injustice. Like a modern day Captain Planet. Except female. And less blue.

So what does this pint-sized progenitor of social change have planned next? Might we suggest she takes to the streets of Baltimore in order to redress the appalling social imbalance on display. Or she could head to a local Klan meeting and convince the morons present to change their racist ways – so long as MTV were ready to fund it, of course. But no, Tila is doing something altogether unexpected:

“I think maybe I will fall in love in Africa.”

Hopefully California will overturn its ban on marrying continents too, then.