It is as inevitable as day turning into night, Gordon Ramsay swearing and every odd numbered Star Trek movie being rubbish* – the summer blockbuster season is always ripe with disappointment.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news here but it’s true; this year has already proven that! - hello Wolverine, hello Terminator: Salvation – but there is hope and hype on the horizon – the year isn’t over yet.

So here at hecklerspray we have decided to compile a list of films that you shouldn’t be looking forward to, no matter what anybody says.

*Proven wrong this year so the list is fallible.

5. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

Clearly movies based on toys are the next ‘it’ thing – see; Transformers 2. G.I. Joe (or Action Man – The Greatest Hero Of Them All as we call him) is being thrust onto the silver screen this summer with ol’ jug-ears Christopher Eccleston being all bad and ol’ ‘I’ll get my jugs out for a fiver’ Sienna Miller being all moody. We’re not sure why this is being made but it’s got a following and some decent names involved. We just can’t help shake the fact it’s based on a shoddy line of toys and is just a walking, talking advert which makes us feel all used inside.

4. Inglourious Basterds

This is on here for a simple reason – It’s Tarantino, master of the over-hyped, disappointing film (See; Kill Bill vol 2, Jackie Brown). There is no doubt that while it may be filled with a few choice chunks of quotable dialogue here and there, it’s not going to come close to his first two films. Although Brad Pitt looks pretty bad-ass with that neck scar.

3. Sherlock Holmes

Luckily for the viewing public the c-word wasn’t invented in 19th century England. Shame for Guy Ritchie, though, as he’ll have to pad his script out with an alternative phrase to shove between every other word, in his adaptation of the sleuth spy’s adventures. Although, with Downey Jnr. under the deerstalker cap some hope remains but, then again, Ritchie hasn’t made a good film since Snatch.

2. Avatar

Picture this: you’ve taken just over ten years off of work to go swanning about in the ocean. Do you think you’d come back to work firing on all prune-fingered cylinders? Well James Cameron hopes so, as does his army of devoted followers. Avatar sees the director return behind the camera for the first film since Titanic took over the world. Not a single piece of footage, still or a decent summary of the plot has been released yet and with only a few months left ‘til opening it could all come crashing down for the man who once proclaimed “I’m the king of the world!”…we’ll see about that come November, Mr Cameron.

1. Twilight – New Moon

The onslaught of the screaming fan-girls hasn’t let-up since Twilight sucked all the joy out of rational cinema goers back last year. Still, the film has its following and all the principle cast return for more spooky/romantic encounters later this year. Presumably because Robert Pattinson realised he won’t get much work once the franchise is over and because Kristen Stewart was probably stoned when she agreed.

Can a film that gets made within a year of the original really stand a chance of being any good? Look at the Saw franchise and you’ll get an idea of the slippery path the Twilight saga is sliding down. Expect much denial from the fanbase come November when the film is released and the third entry in the franchise to dilute the formula even more the following year.

At least we only have to deal with the vacuous black hole of wit and charisma that is Robert Pattinson once a year – God forbid they start churning these out twice a year.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

It’s not surprising there are so many movie stars and directors on Twitter.

Well, let’s face it, they have not got much else to do, have they? Doing two movies a year, the odd junket and endless parties is hardly the most demanding schedule.

So why not spend some of your time annoying the hell out of them? To help you in your task, we have provided a list of Hollywood stars who somehow find the time to regularly update their Twitter accounts. Oh, and for some reason we also included John Mayer.

Enjoy!
26. Shahrukh Khan

India’s biggest movie star

http://twitter.com/shahrukh_khan

Typical tweet: “Mycoprotein cutlets are a very good alternative to pork or chicken or veal, it seems.”

25. Jennifer Aniston’s ex-boyfriend

John Mayer

http://twitter.com/johncmayer

Typical tweet: “Interviews with Seacrest are like flooring it in a golf cart: you’re not going fast enough to do any real damage, but you still hold tight.”

24. Emma Watson

Harry Potter actress

http://twitter.com/mwtsnx

Typical tweet: Another private one – but we are guessing it’s about shopping and eating.

23. Nikki Reed

Actress from Thirteen and Twilight

http://twitter.com/itsnikkibitch

Typical tweet: “Found photos of rob & I from yesterday. Good thing you stayed at home or you would have had a meltdown,” in response to Kristen Stewart, whose account is currently suspended.

22. David Silverman

Simpsons Animator and director; co-director of Monsters, Inc

http://twitter.com/tubatron

Typical tweet: “Now that I’ve lost so much on the stock market, it pains me that I didn’t spend money friviously instead.”

21. Dane Cook

Unfunniest person on the planet who is in movies sometimes

http://twitter.com/Dane_Cook

Typical tweet: “WOW! everybody’s twiterring now! looks like i’m not the only loser hahaha.”

20. Rachel Bilson

Actress and less-than-frequent Twitterer

http://twitter.com/rachel_bilson

Typical tweet: “Shopping! Shhhhhh.”

19. Kevin Pollak

Actor

http://twitter.com/kevinpollak

Typical tweet: “Were the Jonas Bros sent here by a messenger of good or evil…..?”

18. Diablo Cody

Former stripper and screenwriter

http://twitter.com/diablocody

Typical tweet: “Gotta go. Feeding the parents.”

17. Jane Fonda

Actress

http://twitter.com/JaneFonda

Typical tweet: “Just approved the last few pages on my blog which will launch tonight. Exciting…..I’ve got to get some sleep soon, hopefully launch soon.”

16. Channing Tatum

‘Actor’

http://twitter.com/channingtatum

Typical tweet: “Check Out Channing Tatum’s Top Ten BIGGEST Fans for 2009!!!”

15. John Lithgow

Actor

http://twitter.com/John_Lithgow

Typical tweet: “So the front page of the NY Times compared my hairline to Elvis’ on Friday. Is this a compliment?”

14. George Takei

Star Trek legend

http://twitter.com/georgetakei

Typical tweet: “Our thoughts go out to the families from the plane crash in New York. Make sure you hug those close to you and let them know you care.”

13. Jean Claude Van Damme

Muscles from Brussels

http://twitter.com/jcvd

Typical tweet: “Hello toutes mes new fans sur Twitter. Le love que je feel sur ce site depuis two days me donne autant d’energy que la pectine d’une pomme.” – No idea, but it has something to do with an apple.

12. George Lucas

Director

http://twitter.com/George_Lucas

Typical tweet: “Kids are really loving the new Clone Wars series”

11. Arnold Schwarzenegger

The Governator

http://twitter.com/schwarzenegger

Typical tweet: “It is not that California is ungovernable. It’s that for too long we have been split by ideology.”

10. Kevin Smith

Film Director, Actor

http://twitter.com/ThatKevinSmith

Typical tweet: “Just woke up. Am taking the morning dump.”

9. William Shatner

Legend

http://twitter.com/WilliamShatner

Typical tweet: “Ricardo Montalban was a wonderful man I saw him on Broadway I was entertained by his movies. I loved working with him on the film we made.”

8. Ashton Kutcher

Actor

http://www.twitter.com/aplusk

Typical tweet: “Apparently I have all my planets in Aries. Which means I need to work on listening more. What?”

7. John Cleese

Python etc

http://twitter.com/JohnCleese

Typical tweet: “some people spout complete twaddle. they could be spouting incomplete twaddle and leaving the remaining twaddle for us. thoughtless!”

6. David Lynch

Overrated director

http://twitter.com/DAVID_LYNCH

Typical tweet: “Thought of the Day: Stay true to the idea.”

5. Stephen Fry

English national treasure and sometime movie actor and director

http://twitter.com/stephenfry

Typical tweet: “600 people went to the theatre, not to see Oliver but to compete in a paper & chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough.”

4. Vanessa Hudgens

High School Musical actress

http://twitter.com/VanessaHudgens

Typical tweet: “Just bought a juicer online. The name of the game is enzymes: who knew?”

3. Demi Moore

Annoying actress and Twitter nut

http://twitter.com/mrskutcher

Typical tweet: “Hubby torturing me!”

2. Luke Wilson

Slightly-less-popular-than-brother actor

http://twitter.com/LukeWilson

Typical tweet: “It’s hard to keep this twitter thing updated! I should hire someone to do this! ”

1. Elijah Wood

Actor and hobbit

http://twitter.com/elijahwood

Typical tweet: “Dancing in my underwear like Tom Cruise in Risky Biz, lol”

Now follow hecklerspray on Twitter too, please, you sods.

But 50 Cent is tired of only starring in awful, third-rate movies that only idiots like. So he’s decided to branch out and start producing awful, third-rate movies that only idiots like as well. Think that’s as bad as it gets? Don’t – because 50 Cent’s first movie is going to star Nicolas Cage.

Kanye West, if you’re reading this, please start producing movies too. That way they can be more successful than 50 Cent’s and he can retire from that as well. Thanks.

Although he’s primarily known for being a rapper, 50 Cent has also carved out a nifty side-career as a Hollywood star with a highly enviable slate of movies to his name. For instance, there was Get Rich Or Die Tryin’, the semi-autobiographical movie where 50 Cent unfortunately ended up getting rich.

And how many other rappers have co-starred in movies that have almost killed the careers of both Robert De Niro and Al Pacino? No, 50 Cent has got plenty to be proud of.

But ever since Kanye West sold more records than him and forced his retirement from music, 50 Cent has been at a bit of a loss of things to do. Sure, he’s tried his hand at other activities – like printing books, spending more time with his amusingly-named children and suing fast-food outlets for the hell of it – but none of these have filled the aching gap in his soul left by music.

So 50 Cent is now having a crack at something else – producing movies. It’s basically the same as being a rapper – you get to drive a big car, get shitfaced on drugs, surround yourself with booby models and have underground Eight Mile-style produce-offs with other aspiring – except you can hang around with Nicolas Cage without worrying that he’ll ask to pop a guest verse on your next single.

Which is exactly what 50 Cent has done, come to think of it. BBC News reports:

The rapper-turned-actor unveiled his plans for Cheetah Vision at the Sundance Film Festival in Utah. 50 Cent, whose real name is Curtis Jackson, said his new company had already bought eight scripts. He told Reuters the first to be produced would be The Dance, starring himself and Nicolas Cage. Jackson said: “He (Cage) plays the founder of a boxing program, and I play a fighter who goes to state prison.”

Wow, The Dance, huh? Nicolas Cage, huh? Why, that sounds awfully like The Dance, the 50 Cent/ Nicolas Cage movie that we wrote about almost three years ago. 50 Cent must have seen something really special in that movie, to offer to produce it himself after it was kept in development hell for so long.

And we’d agree with him, too. It might not be easy for 50 Cent to get by in an industry he has no real experience of but, with a bit of time and a whole lot of effort, he might just make The Dance the worst Nicolas Cage movie ever. Here’s hoping.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Maybe the title could have been: ‘I saw a bear, and it took a dump in the woods’ or even ‘I saw the Pope, and he was a Catholic’. Of course, we are being facetious. Katy Perry annoyingly knew exactly what she was doing.

And we fell for it hook, line and sinker. But how could the thought of an attractive girl getting it on with another girl cause such a swirl of attention?
You see pissed girls in clubs and bars smooching all the time, just for a laugh. And it’s not as if red-blooded men get any kind of pleasure from seeing that, do we?

OK, of course we do. But why? Why does the sight of seeing two sexy girls having a smooch drive men – and a lot of women – nuts? Not convinced? Well, put it this way, when we were compiling our ’sexiest ever movie moments’ list the other day, we did a straw poll in the office. Seemed only fair. Hecklerspray is a democracy after all – sort of.

Anyway, what became incredible apparent was the number of movie clips nominated that revolved around two women getting it on. This could either mean we are all a bunch of lesbians, or that is purely a normal thing to get turned on by. Not that we’d would ever describe our writers as normal, mind you.

With that in mind, we thought it would be fun and a great waste of an afternoon to compile a list of our favourites. Oh, and before you start moaning, of course a lot of them are not real lesbian clinches and are just publicity stunts and movie scenes.

Come to think of it, they all are one or the other. In fact, some do not even touch lips. But who cares? They provided us with a little bit of titillation. Enjoy!

22. Neve Campbell and Denise Richards

From: Wild Things

21. Halle Berry and Britney Spears

From: Saturday Night Live

20. Jessica Biel and Sarah Silverman

From: MTV awards

19. Penelope Cruz and Charlize Theron

From: Head in The Clouds

18. Calista Flockhart and Lucy Lui

From: Ally McBeal

17. Chloe Sevigny and Michelle Williams

From: If These Walls Could Talk 2

16. Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston

From: Dirt

15. Britney Spears and Madonna

From: MTV Awards

14. A very young Anna Friel and Nicola Stephenson

From: Brookside

13. Tatu

From: All the Things She Said

12. Helen Shaver and Patricia Charbonneau

From: Desert Hearts

11. Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve

From: The Hunger

10. Maria de Medeiros and Uma Thurman

From: Henry and June

9. Joan Chen and Anne Heche

From: Wild Side

8. Terry Farrell (Jadzia Dax) and Susannah Thompson Lenara

From: Deep Space Nine

7. Kristin Scott Thomas and Emanuelle Seigner

From: Bitter Moon

6. Angelina Jolie and Elizabeth Mitchell

From: Gia

5. Nikki Reed and Rachel Evan Wood

From: Thirteen

4. Salma Hayek and Ashley Judd

Film: Frida

3. Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair

From: Cruel Intentions

2. Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly

From: Bound

1. Naomi Watts and Laura Harring

From: Mulholland Drive

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

ADVERT

But there’s one medium that Oprah Winfrey hasn’t dabbled in for a while – movies. Sure, she was nominated for an Oscar for The Color Purple, but that was over 20 years ago.

So it’s great to hear that Oprah Winfrey has just signed a deal to make mini-series, movies, documentaries and series. Best of all, she’s making them all for HBO, so she can either be like The Sopranos and be intelligent and groundbreaking or be like Entourage and be annoyingly smug. You know, for a change.

There’s so much more to Oprah Winfrey than the mistaken belief that we all care about how fat she is as much as she does. Wherever you look, Oprah Winfrey has it nailed down. She’s got a TV show, she’s got magazines, you can listen to her on the radio and she’ll soon have an entire network devoted to nothing but a close-up of her face with fire reflected in eyes that’s accompanied by the sound of distant crying babies.

But that’s not enough for Oprah Winfrey. Oprah isn’t going to stop this inexorable march towards global domination until every child born on this planet is named Oprah and learns how to screech about free cars from a pointlessly young age. Or at least until she gets to make some low-grade movies and TV shows for HBO.

Which, hey, happen to be now. Although as far as drama goes, Oprah Winfrey is probably best-known for her Oscar-nominated performance in The Color Purple, but she’s also pretty handy behind the scenes, too – producing films and TV shows like Their Eyes Were Watching God, Before Women Had Wings and The Great Debaters.

And now, thanks to the deal she’s just signed with HBO, there’s going to be a bunch more where that came from. Reuters reports:

Oprah Winfrey’s production company has signed a deal to make movies, documentaries and series for cable channel HBO, Harpo Films and HBO said on Tuesday. Kate Forte, president of Harpo Films, said HBO offered a unique blend of format and creativity on television, “and the quality and range of their subjects are extraordinary.”

And, what’s more, you can swear and take your clothes off on HBO too, which is why the first three projects we expect Oprah Winfrey to work on with HBO are remakes of her old hits, like Their Tits Were Watching Porn, Before Women Had Fannies and, obviously, The Masturbators.

Since Oprah Winfrey is involved here, we’ve no doubt at all that this HBO deal will be a success. Just don’t expect to see Oprah herself making an appearance in any of the new shows – these days, when people see an old fat black woman on TV they just assume it’s Tyler Perry dressing up again and switch off.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

True, Angelina Jolie may have only hinted at an eventual retirement some time in the future, and only because fame no longer provides the same spiritual nourishment as raising a family or being committed to charitable work. Nevertheless, the message is clear – Angelina Jolie is quitting acting because Jennifer Aniston called her uncool this week.

Great, that’s just what we need – a power-crazed Jennifer Aniston. Now that she knows what can happen when she deploys the word ‘uncool’, we doubt very much that she’ll stop at Angelina Jolie. All we’ll say is this – don’t be surprised if Vince Vaughn suddenly decides to retire from acting as well or if, you know, Brad Pitt develops a horrible wasting disease on his penis. Or something.

Today hasn’t been deemed an international day of mourning just yet, but give it time. Angelina Jolie has decided that she’s probably going to retire from acting at some point in the future, and that’s probably the worst news we’ve ever heard in our entire lives.

After all, who’ll star in all the moronic movies about tattooed women who shoot cars until they explode and little worthy Oscar-baiting movies about beautiful women who fight against serious real-world issues? What’s that? Milla Jovovich and Charlize Theron respectively? Oh.

But anyway, that doesn’t detract from the fact that Angelina Jolie is retiring from acting. Probably. One day. Probably. People reports:

“I don’t plan to keep acting very long… I’m ready to do a few things now and fade away and get ready to be a grandma one day. I won’t work again probably for another year. So maybe it’ll be once a year, then maybe it’ll be once every three years. I’m not so worried that I want to keep this pace up and try to be something and be a celebrity and be a successful actress forever.”

You see? Angelina Jolie knows that there’s more to life than being an actress – like curing diseases in poverty-stricken African nations, or drawing attention to the unthinkable plight of the world’s refugees, or seeing the magic in a child’s smile. Plus making films is boring, and now she can stay rich and famous forever because Brad Pitt got her pregnant a couple of times.

But why now? Why has Angelina Jolie announced her retirement from acting now? It’s simple. It’s because – by calling her uncool earlier this week – Jennifer Aniston managed to get more headlines than Angelina Jolie, and the only thing Angelina Jolie could do to wrestle them back was to say that she might quit acting one day.

This was a dangerous move, because it means that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston are now locked into a quickly-escalating spiral of death for headlines that nobody will be able to survive. You see, now Jennifer Aniston will try and top Angelina’s announcement – perhaps by getting married this weekend – and then Angelina Jolie will have to come back with something even more sensational. So, to save everyone some time, here are the next three months of headlines we can expect from Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston:

ANGELINA JOLIE: I’M ADOPTING AGAIN

JENNIFER ANISTON: YEAH? WELL I’M PREGNANT

ANGELINA JOLIE: I’VE GROWN A PENIS

JENNIFER ANISTON: I’VE GROWN TWO PENISES AND A LOVELY SET OF BALLS

ANGELINA JOLIE: I USED TO BE ADDICTED TO HEROIN

JENNIFER ANISTON: I KILLED A MAN WHILE DRINK DRIVING AND I DON’T EVEN REGRET IT

ANGELINA JOLIE: I’VE CURED AIDS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND CAN TRACE MY BLOODLINE DIRECTLY TO JESUS

JENNIFER ANISTON: EVERYONE LOOK! LOOK AT ME! I’M STANDING ON TOP OF A CHURCH IN A CROWDED SQUARE AND I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL BLOW MY OWN BRAINS OUT UNLESS ALL OF YOU LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME NOW! I’LL BLOODY DO IT!

Etc.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

And because Marvel has been so brilliant at churning out one successful movie that everybody likes and one mediocre movie that everyone instantly forgets about a nanosecond after leaving the cinema, that can only mean one thing. More Marvel movies!

Paramount has just signed a deal to globally release the next five Marvel films. Since that includes Thor and Captain America, Paramount probably thinks it’s got a pretty sweet deal going on. But it should have read the contract in more detail – the other three movies are about Dazzler, 8-Ball and an utterly pointless shot-for-shot remake of Daredevil, this time with all the characters played by Ben Affleck. Eat it, Paramount!

We’re just starting to see how successful Marvel is at making its own movies. Back when Marvel announced its movie production business in 2005, we weren’t alone in fearing thousands of low-quality direct-to-DVD standard movies about all the superheroes nobody cares about. But Marvel has proved us wrong.

Look at Iron Man – by cherry-picking some of the world’s best actors, letting them operate under one of the world’s most admired indie directors and giving them hundreds of millions of dollars to blow shit up with, Iron Man was always going to be a guaranteed smash. And then there was The Incredible Hulk, which was, um. Yeah.

But the Marvel formula has been set – which is why Kenneth Branagh might be directing Thor next – and it mostly works very well. Which is why Paramount has just decided to globally distribute all the films that Marvel can possibly push out. Reuters reports:

Marvel Entertainment Inc raised its film unit’s 2008 revenue outlook following initial payments of $60 million from Viacom’s Paramount Pictures — the distributor of the comic book publisher’s “Iron Man” movie. Paramount will also distribute Marvel’s next five self-produced feature films across the world, the two companies said in a separate statement.

And it’s probably a wise investment on Paramount’s part, because Marvel seems to be so hell-bent on putting a movie about The Avengers together that it’ll keep throwing out huge new movies based on its individual members – and the inevitable sequels – until it gets there.

In fact, we’ve snuck a look at Marvel’s proposed slate of new movies in the order they’re to be released, and Paramount has every reason to be excited. Look…

Iron Man 2

Thor

The Incredible Hulk 2

Iron Man 3

Captain America

Thor 2

Captain America Vs The Incredible Hulk

Iron Man 5

Thor! Thor! Tho… Oh, Sorry, I Thought You Were Thor

Iron Man 4

Iron Man & Thor Vs The Incredible Hulk & One Of Thor’s Cousins

Captain America Asks Iron Man To Borrow A Stapler, But Iron Man Doesn’t Know Where He Put It

The Incredible Hulk Gets Stuck In A Flowerpot And Thor Puts It On YouTube

Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner? Oh, Captain America Is

Well, wish no more! Paramount Pictures is introducing a new, cherry-licious drink called Booty Sweat. The drink comes from the upcoming Ben Stiller fiasco, Tropic Thunder, and is being marketed in conjunction with the film.   

And for the calorie-conscious, like ourselves who strive to keep our girlish figure for our lovely readers, we’re anxiously hoping for Diet Booty Sweat. Same great taste, new fruit flavor, but lower in Back Sauce! 

A new trend is emerging in Hollywood. It's called: invent a product with a funny name, put it in a movie, and then market said product along with the movie so people will buy the product because of the silly name and watch the movie, too. 

Okay, that might not be the official name of the trend, but Paramount Pictures believe this product will long outlive the movie on the shelves of Hot Topic stores, and probably at midnight revivals of Shaft throughout the world.  

And since the shelf life of an opened can of carbonated beverage is at least an hour or so, it will probably outlive the movie by an easy 45 minutes.  

The drink will have two versions with different labels for urban and rural marketing. The urban label is as follows:  

“delicious and bump up struttin' energy drink that will pump up a brotha's ass right-pronto. This swill will crank yo' metabolism up skippin' right over jiggy to straight G-pimp level, word to your mutha. Brothas will be layin' down the 2-3 on the wiggy jig focusing the energy flow into cold-face benjamins that will fill yo' pimp pockets to burstin'. Damn straight! Booty Sweat will keep a brotha pitchin' straight game all night to the baby-dolls."  

The rural can is described as follows:

“Rural stores will get a can that simply has the Booty Sweat moniker, but no street slang.” 

Oooh, thrillling rural packaging!

 Anyway, look for the appearance of products from movies being placed in stores more frequently in the future. Or don’t look.

We don’t care, but if you do look you’ll see stuff like Sex Panther cologne, as seen in the movie Anchorman, in stores this September.

That’s right. It will no longer be illegal in nine countries. You’ll just wish it were.

But there's one thing that Billie Piper will never be, and that's a bigshot Hollywood actress. And the sad thing is it's all her fault. Or, to be more specific, it's the fault of her boobies.

Because she went topless in a TV show about a filthy whore, Billie Piper now fears that she's ruined her chances of being an A-list movie star. Or as she puts it, “What A-list stars get their tits out?” Well, looking at recent Oscar-winning actresses, Helen Mirren, Reese Witherspoon, Hilary Swank, Charlize Theron, Nicole Kidman and Halle Berry all do. But don't tell any of that to Billie – we don't want her to get any ideas.

Billie Piper has won plaudits for her role as Belle De Jour in the ITV2 TV show Secret Diary of A Callgirl, because it's hands-down the most accurate portrayal of a hooker in TV history.

We all know that prostitutes are all incredibly wealthy, talk with a plummy accent, regularly throw their heads back and roar with laughter about what a brilliant job they've got and only get sad and reflective about fucking lonely men for cash in the form of interminable montages set to Dido songs two thirds through each episode, right?

Good. And because Billie Piper has done such a convincing job of pretending to be a whore on a painfully vacuous late night TV show on a station that hardly anyone watches she's being fast-tracked into the bigtime.

Or at least she would be, except now Billie Piper is having a huge crisis of confidence because she thinks that her prostitute show is so raunchy that it's scuppered her chances of acting in the movies already. According to Now:

"Someone said the other day, rather viciously: 'What A-list stars get their tits out?'" she tells The Sun. "And then I started thinking: “Oh, my God, what have I done? I’ve ruined my future career.'"

Well, quite. Hollywood is a very old-fashioned town, and if anything's true here it's that movie producers never give roles to pretty young actresses who look like they're quite free and easy with the blowjobs.

Of course, if starring in Secret Diary Of A Callgirl has wrecked Billie Piper's chances of becoming a big movie star, then it won't be because of its sexual content. No, it'll be because she made a TV show that's based on a blog. Specifically a blog that isn't hecklerspray.

Now, if Billie Piper had starred in The Secret Life Of Someone Who Works For Hecklerspray, and spent each episode sitting around listlessly cleaning out her ears with the end of a biro and generally being quite socially awkward, it'd be a different story altogether. But it's too late now. Especially since that restraining order means we're not allowed to send her scripts any more.

Clearly, Hollywood producers were not paying attention when these words were famously uttered in Highlander – a 1986 film starring Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery, just in case you weren’t sure. How else can you explain the three shitty sequels, the two turgid TV series, the endless crap novels and the pointless cartoons that have followed it?

And, more importantly, how else do you explain why they are already planning another film?

Seriously, another Highlander film! According to Hollywood insider Script Girl, plans are afoot to resurrect the latest chapter in the immortal Connor MacLeod’s legacy.

Another one? Why? No wonder nobody wants to live forever. Hecklerspray would rather cut off our own heads with a pair of rusty scissors than be made to sit through another life-sapping sequel.

The announcement follows the news Sony’s Columbia Pictures is in early talks to acquire the film rights for another 80s hit, Flash Gordon.

According to the Hollywood Reporter last week, Breck Eisner will helm the big budget adaptation. Who? You know, the guy who did that film Sahara and a couple of episodes of Taken and The Invisible Man – but don’t hold that against him.

Obviously, the producers have as much faith in the project as we do. However, Hecklerspray has just one request: Please put Brian Blessed in it again.

Of course, both Highlander’s and Flash Gordon’s soundtracks were penned by Queen, proving the only immortal here is Freddie Mercury. Although, we are pretty sure he is turning in his grave right now.

Of course, it all goes to prove that Hollywood really has ran out of ideas. It seems no 80s film is safe. What’s next? Frankenhooker? The Toxic Avenger?

You may laugh, but there is probably some Hollywood producer writing these down somewhere.

Just remember, Hecklerspray wants a share.

Read more:

Flash Gordon Reignited by Columbia – Hollywood Reporter

Scriptgirl report 05 – Youtube

We've forgotten what our point was now – something about Bob Marley trying to stroke our knee, we think.

No, it's all coming back now – there are two Bob Marley movies on the way, except that they're coming out so close together that an almighty scrap has kicked off about who gets to use Bob Marley's songs. Honestly, they should just flip for it – winner gets Redemption Song, loser gets Craven Choke Puppy. Simple.

Nothing scoops Oscars quite like playing singers. Ray Charles, June Carter Cash, Edith Piaf – in recent years they've all been the subject of Oscar-winning movies. But the trouble is that the world is running out of singers to make films about. Soon there'll be a Marvin Gaye movie, a Michael Hutchence movie and a Milli Vanilli movie. That literally leaves just two singers who haven't had movies made about them – Gwen Stefani and Bob Marley.

And since most people would rather let rats chew on their genitals than watch a Gwen Stefani biopic, that only leaves Bob Marley. Trouble is, everyone wants to make a Bob Marley movie.

Earlier this month The Weinstein Company announced that it was going to produce a Bob Marley movie based on his ex-wife Rita Marley's memoirs No Woman, No Cry. Which admittedly sounded lovely – not only did Bob Marley lead a life interesting enough to warrant a biopic, but also by the time No Woman, No Cry was released, enough time would have passed since I Am Legend to ensure that people started to like Bob Marley again.

Trouble is, though, Martin Scorsese is making a documentary about Bob Marley at the same time, and all Bob Marley's songs have been licensed to that. Cue all manner of ironically bitter squabbles over songs called things like One Love. Metro reports:

The reggae legend's family are trying to block his music from being used in a forthcoming docudrama – even though his widow Rita is executive producer. There is also a clash over the release date, since another Marley movie is in the pipeline. The family policy has always been to prevent his music being used in any films featuring an actor portraying Marley. His estate is even concerned about the use of his songs in the Weinstein Company's imminent adaptation of Rita Marley's book, No Woman No Cry.

It's a pickle for sure, but it doesn't mean that the Weinstein Company's Bob Marley movie is completely out of options. For example, it could make the Bob Marley biopic without any songs, even though that'd be a bit like making a Neil Armstrong biopic and basing it around that time a barber stole his hair. Or it could subtly change Bob Marley's songs until they no longer infringe copyright – allowing the performance of hits like Two Loves, No Woman Some Crying and I Stole The Sheriff's Car Keys When He Had His Back Turned.

Or maybe the Bob Marley movie could contain songs only written by Bunny Wailer. No, that's a stupid idea.

Read more:

Rights row mars Marley movies – Metro 

OK, that's a lie. We do want Harry Potter to end. Sometimes we wish that Harry Potter had never been born at all. But the Warner Bros big cheeses who rely on Harry Potter to keep them in private jets and man-made vagina-shaped residential islands don't want Harry Potter to end.

And what they say goes, because it's just been made official that Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows will be turned into two separate movies. Now Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows will be released in November 2010, with its sequel Harry Potter And The Even More Deathlier Hallows That Make The First Lot Of Deathly Hallows Look A Bit Wimpy And Shit will follow in May 2011.

The 'nine and a half' tactic is key in the fields of teaching and parenting. You threaten a naughty child with violence and give them until the count of then to behave. But then you get to nine and they're still defying you. Reaching ten means that you're either going to have concede authority to a screaming infant or actually punch it and live with the guilt for the rest of your life. So, suddenly, in a desperate attempt to draw it out, you blurt out "nine and a half" instead of "ten." 

Harry Potter's studio Warner Bros knows the 'nine and a half' tactic too, because it's just announced the biggest nine and a half of cinema history – it's splitting Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows in two.

The Harry Potter movies have been good for Warner Bros – each of the five made so far has a spot in the top 20 highest-grossing movies of all time. But the thing is, Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows is the last Harry Potter book. Once that's been turned into a film there's nowhere left to go, unless Warner Bros decides to go with that unauthorised Harry Potter Vs The Dinosaurs On The Planet Of Tits spec script that we sent them last week.

Well, not quite nowhere to go, because Warner Bros has decided to follow through on threats it made in January and turn Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows into two separate movies. But it's not because they want to con the public out of twice as much money as before, oh no. As Harry Potter actor Daniel Radcliffe – who's just made twice as much money from Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows as he thought he would – explains, it's because the book's quite long.

The Los Angeles Times reports:

"I think it's the only way you can do it, without cutting out a huge portion of the book. There have been compartmentalized subplots in the other books that have made them easier to cut — although those cuts were still to the horror of some fans — but the seventh book doesn't really have any subplots. It's one driving, pounding story from the word go." … Alan Horn, president and chief operating officer of Warner Bros. Entertainment, [said] "This way, we have an extra hour and a half, at least, to celebrate what this franchise has been and do justice to all the words and ideas that Jo has put in the amazing story," Horn said. "This is the end of the story too. We want to celebrate it. We want to give a full meal." 

And, you know, if they can give a full meal and make a cheeky extra $900 million at the same time, well then that's just dandy.

Also, the matter of who'll direct the Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallow movies has been cleared up. Although reports suggested that Steven Spielberg and Guillermo Del Toro wanted a shot at Harry Potter, directing duties will fall to David Yates, who'll have ratcheted up his tally of Harry Potter movies to four by the time the final Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows movie comes out.

That's if the second Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows movie really is the last one – splitting the movies is such a license to print money that we wouldn't be surprised if the second half of the second movie becomes a new film. And there's probably six or seven movies to be made of the lame epilogue bit at the end where it turns out that Harry Potter doesn't die.

Read more:

'Deathly Hallows' films are scheduled to be released in November 2010 and May 2011. - LA Times 

That's right, Lindsay Lohan has done a magazine interview all about the impossible darkness of her last 12 months.

It's an important interview because it marks the first time that Lindsay Lohan has publicly prattled on about herself in, ooh, roughly about six or seven minutes. Plus she's kept her clothes on for this one, so your retinas aren't as likely to snap off and run for freedom this time.

It's incredible what you can make celebrities talk about when they've got something to promote. For instance, wait until Halle Berry's got a film out and she'll happily tell you that she tried to kill herself once, while Hillary Swank is only to pleased to sell out the intensely private reasons behind the break-up of her eight-year marriage if you'd consider going to see The Black Dahlia. And so to Lindsay Lohan, who's decided to dissect her troubled year of arrests and addiction and rehab to help promote her new movie entitled…

Oh wait. Lindsay Lohan doesn't have a new film out. Lindsay Lohan's got nothing to promote, because movie producers are worried that if they hire Lindsay Lohan, then a) their movie will be a shoo-in for some Razzies and b) a week into filming Lindsay Lohan will crash her car loaded up on cocaine, get arrested, spend nine months in rehab and repeat that pattern six or seven times until you're left with something as flat-out horrible as Georgia Rule.

So Lindsay Lohan has nothing whatsoever to promote, and yet you can't go anywhere any more without hearing Lindsay Lohan yakking on about what a good person she is or – worse – being confronted with Lindsay Lohan's naked fluorescent nipples and pubes. But why? Is it because Lindsay Lohan is desperately trying to get her acting career back on track by reminding Hollywood studios that she can talk in full sentences?  Or is it because, you know, Lindsay Lohan is a needy, approval-seeking husk of a woman?

Maybe we'll never know (cough*husk*cough), but that hasn't stopped Lindsay Lohan from being interviewed by Paper magazine all about her crazy drugs and booze and car crashes and rehab-filled 2007. Lindsay told Paper:

"I had a lot going on in my life and that was a way of hiding from it. I hadn't seen my dad; I had a lot of work stress 'cause I was constantly working and never took time to stop. Everything was go-go-go, and the easiest thing was to run away from it, going out and drinking at night. You know, you don't have to think when you let go sometimes. But I didn't realize it was getting in the way of my work – what I've worked for my whole life."  

Ah yes, Lindsay's work. You see, Lindsay Lohan is now such a liability that she can't get a job. Obviously this is a massive injustice because, starved of another I Know Who Killed Me, chances are the public will start to riot at the absence of confusing thrillers about amnesiac strippers in their lives. But Lindsay Lohan's working on that too:

"Right now I just want to find a great script, a great role. I was so used to working and working and working, and for a good few months there was nothing for me to do. Now I know what it's like to be an out-of-work actor, and how much it scares me." 

So if you've got a great script, you now know who to send it to. Well, not a great script, obviously – you could probably get someone hot like Emily Blunt or Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Biel to star in it if it was a really great script. But, hey, if you've got a mediocre movie, or a straight-to-DVD erotic thriller, or a late-night regionally-broadcast commercial for a shoe shop, then Lindsay Lohan's your girl.

Read more:

Lindsay Lohan Opens Up About Recent Troubles – People 

But that's what's going to happen. Universal has signed up with toy firm Hasbro to make a bunch of films based on Hasbro products, possibly starting with – seriously – a Monopoly movie by Sir Ridley Scott. Nobody seems to have much of a clue what this Hasbro/Universal Monopoly movie will be about, but if it wants to remain faithful to the game it'll need to be 10 hours long and cause a longstanding bitter rift within every audience who watches it.

Oh, and it'll need to be as dull as shit, too. And you thought movies based on videogames were rubbish.

The list of terrible atrocities that Michael Bay is responsible for has just got longer. If it wasn't bad enough that Michael Bay took a Transformers movie and made it into a useless knockabout comedy containing two different piss jokes and a robot who speaks like a chav, he also had the temerity to make the bloody thing successful. And now we all have to live with the repercussions of that.

You see, Transformers are Hasbro toys, and now that Hasbro has seen the money that a successful movie makes, it wants to roll out movies based on just about every single Hasbro product. There's already a G.I Joe movie in the pipeline, and yesterday Hasbro announced a six-year deal with Universal to make at least four movies based on its catalogue. And one of the first movies to be made is, we wish this was a joke, Sir Ridley Scott's Monopoly. Variety reports:

The deal was announced by U chairman Marc Shmuger, co-chairman David Linde and Hasbro chief operating officer Brian Goldner. Like "G.I. Joe," several Hasbro branded properties have gone the development route as features over the years. The property with the most current momentum is "Monopoly," which Ridley Scott and Scott Free have been developing… "This deal gives Universal access to some of the greatest brands in the world," Shmuger and Linde said in a statement. "Hasbro's portfolio of products has tremendous emotional resonance with children and adults."

And you know what emotional resonance means, right? It means we'll go and see any old shit slid in front of us so long as even indirectly reminds of of our faded youth. Ace!

So if Hasbro's first movie with Universal is Monopoly, then what are the other three? Looking likely is a Stretch Armstrong movie, which actually we'd be quite happy to see so long as a) it starred Matthew McConaughey and b) he actually dislocated his shoulder for real very time he was called upon to stretch.

Other than that, who knows? Hasbro is a big brand. There might be a Boggle movie, a Guess Who movie, Risk movie, a Pictionary movie, a Tonka truck movie or – if we get the petition going now, a movie based around that Hasbro electric toothbrush that plays U Can't Touch This when you brush your teeth.

The possibilities are endless. And almost exclusively dreadful.

Read more:

Universal pacts with Hasbro – Variety 

So let us present to you the top 10 worst singer celluloid performances by musicians who frankly knew they really stunk as actors but signed up for the goddamn movie anyway…

1. Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard (1992)

There's no denying her status as an R&B diva, but when you take away her singing voice what are you left with? Well a temperamental rich diva playing a temperamental rich bitch diva, who continuously mounts pussy fits and gives a largely soap operatic performance that is more in tune with an overblown episode of Dynasty than a glossy thriller, (then again it was the early 90s). With absolutely no spark ignited between her and her equally wooden co-star Kevin Costner (who should have known better) this 'romantic thriller' falls flat no matter how high Houston can belt out a note.

2. Tom Jones in Mars Attacks! (1996)

Blurting out It's Not Unusual comes naturally to the Welsh singing sensation, but unfortunately acting doesn’t! In Mars Attacks! – Tim Burton’s preposterous parody of 1950s sci-fi B-movies – Mr Jones is required to perform his signature tune and then act all concerned when he, and the entire population are under attack by a sudden slew of intangible aliens from outerspace. The result is… well frightening!

3. Madonna in Die Another Day (2002)

To be honest Madge is pretty awful in almost every movie role she chooses (Evita was a musical performance above anything else), but Die Another Day bears special mention for both her equally dogawful contribution to the title score, and hopelessly flimsy cameo appearance as a lesbian fencing instructor who jabs "I don't like cockfights". Well, as Bond once said in Live and Let Die, "There's no sense going out half-cocked" is there Madge?

4. Phil Collins in Hook (1991)

In Buster the Genesis front man gave a fine, witty performance, but his bit-part performance as Detective Good in Steven Spielberg’s disastrous fairytale flop was… well, not good at all. In fact it's a largely pointless embarrassment, rather like the film itself.

5. Diana Ross in The Wiz (1978)

The former Supreme was revealed as an acting calamity when she put in a truly preposterous turn as Dorothy in Sidney Lumet's musical take on The Wizard of Oz. By all accounts her hammy 'acting' is so out of sync with the story that you wonder whether she was caught up in her own dizzy chain-reaction?

6. Wayne Newton in License to Kill (1989)

A truly cringeworthy turn for the American singer and Las Vegas entertainer. Newton stars as  manipulative faith-healer Professor Joe Butcher in what amounts to a largely forgettable turn as an odious Bond henchman, who irritatingly hisses "Bless your heart!" at regular intervals.

7. David Bowie in The Prestige (2006)

Under normal circumstances Bowie is usually a show-stealing presence in the movie limelight, installing an appropriately surreal and supernatural charge into his characters (see Labyrinth, The Hunger and The Man Who Fell to Earth). But in Christopher Nolan's brilliant mystery thriller The Prestige his performance is destroyed by his decision to adopt a goofy voice, making him sound more like a dreaded Frank Spencer impersonator then a powerful enigmatic wizard.

8. Bob Dylan in Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid (1973)

While he contributed a suitable rich, nostalgic and atmospheric score for Sam Peckinpah's seminal western, Bob Dylan also put in a largely thankless role as the constantly mumbling gunslinger Alias. It's an unfortunate pitfall amongst the beautifully sun-drenched aesthetics, but we're  thankful for the music.

9. Busta Rhymes in Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

OK so the material for this detestable horror sequel is dog shite at best, but it isn't helped by Mr Rhymes's cockamamie presence as a kung-fu kicking victim. His performance is so incredibly awful that his iconic status in the American hip-hop scene should have been subsequently tarnished. It certainly Ain't Safe No More!

10. Britney Spears in Crossroads (2002)

Judging from her feeble appearance at the London premiere in Leicester Square, Britney blatantly didn't have much faith riding on her acting debut. And appropriately her pitiful turn in this teen road movie was so critically panned it garnered her a Razzie Award for Worst Actress. Threatening to hit us one more time with another comeback movie role pegged Memoirs of a Medicated Child will inevitable make it clear that she should have stuck to the Mickey Mouse Club.

[story by Oliver Pfeiffer]