Remember David Arquette running off with a young cocktail waitress, leaving Courteney Cox all sinewy and single? It was horrible wasn’t it? Mainly because we had to think about David Arquette grunting over a young woman.

And now, we’re going to have to think about Courteney Cox writhing around and sweating as she’s back in the game. Kinda.

She’s admitted that make-out sessions with men make her nervous. Talking to Howard Stern (who else?), she explained she’s been abstinent since separating from Arquette and his weird child face with a beard stuck-on.

Cox said:

“No guy’s asked me out. I’m not saying I’m not ready to have a make-out session, it just makes me nervous. I don’t like to go out in general.”

Then, she talked about sticking her hand down her kecks and having a crygasm.

“I have sexual feelings, there’s ways to deal with that. It’s time for me to get out there. It’s not easy to meet people. They don’t call me.”

“I’ve not had a man since David… [I've] made out with one guy.”

The guy in question is a celebrity and no, we don’t know his name. Let us just assume she tapped-off with one of the cast of Friends. Maybe that staring, beady eyed coffee guy with the German name.

(Shh. It’s totally co-star Josh Hopkins)

Either way, one thing we’ll all have to live with now, is the thought of Cox’s weirdly taut body trembling with self-abasement while she’s gawping at online smut with a hand up her skirt.

No. We won’t pay for your dry-cleaning bills if you just lost your breakfast.

Iggy Pop impersonator Jennifer Aniston has gone on record to pooh-pooh the constant merry-go-round of slack-jawed speculation about her six-year-dead marriage to professional handsomeness salesman Brad Pitt, and her supposed feud with terrifying hose beast Angelina Jolie.

When Instyle US magazine asked Jennifer which misconception about her she finds most irritating, they were probably expecting her to come out with a light hearted quip about “people think I’m really like Rachel from Friends LOL I’m still milking that dry dry udder!”

However, she actually went on a sort of rambly rant about her divorce.

Aniston said of her annoyance:

“Which one? There are so many. I would say the triangle with my ex-husband – and that there’s a feud there. It’s constant. It’s a story headline that won’t go away, but it’s a money thing – (people make money off) a story that has nothing to do with reality.”

As if to prove something, she then waffled interminably about her new lover, Justin cousin-of-Louis Theroux, just long enough that the interviewers didn’t notice the delicious irony in her flagrant perpetuation of the very misconception she professes to despise.

But we’re onto you, Aniston. We’re onto you because we are serious investigative journalists with a keen nose for delicious irony.

We suppose, though, in a way, we kind of sympathise. Lots of people think we are locked in a steamy love triangle with two Hollywood stars, when actually we haven’t felt the warm touch of another human hand for ages, so the jokes on them.

Losers.

This was a guest post by Becca Day-Preston who in fact, is fighting them off with a large, shitty stick

One of the big talking points from the Super Bowl commercial break was… well… Clint Eastwood. Away from that though, there’s a little excitement surrounding the trailer for Marvel’s The Avengers movie.

While most superhero flicks are brooding like Batman at the moment, it appears that The Avengers film is going to be pleasingly dumb, if the trailer is anything to go by.

So if you want to see it, strap in and watch things explode with Captain America (Chris Evans), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr), Scarlett Johansson (Black Widow) and Hulk get into a giant scrap with a fella with long, greasy hair.

The baddie in the piece is called Loki and he’s all cocking his head with an evil eyebrow nonsense while Rob Downey Jr is, well, playing himself.

Elsewhere, Captain America’s shield will get nerds wet, while everyone else with be getting aroused over Scarlett Johansson in a catsuit.

Oh, and there’s aliens and laser beams and all that good stuff.

One thing that people may raise a vague titter at is the exchange between Loki and Iron Man. ”I have an army,” says Tom Hiddleston’s Loki. “We have a Hulk!” Stark replies.

Those superheroes and villains! Do they rehearse this stuff?

Yes they do. Now watch the trailer.

Do you hate everything yet? Do you wake up angry, in cold sweats thinking “this is all just terrible. We have one chance at a viable, enjoyable life and yet the culture we digest is diluted, spoon-fed nonsense with people who are inexplicably famous, we should be worth far more than this” and then carve “4REAL” into your arm?

No? Well, here’s some news.

The Only Way is Essex (sigh) star (double sigh) Mark Wright is going to be included in an artform enjoyed by Kirk Douglas and Robert DeNiro as the boyfriend of Kelly Brook’s character in a film with Danny Dyer and oh don’t you just want to shoot people now?

We can only hazard guesses, but it’s probably safe to say that this news is about as welcome to the world of cinema as ZZ Top at a Leukaemia convention. Remember actors? They would act in things, and people who weren’t actors didn’t?

Mark Wright was quoted as saying literally nothing of value about the film, in which he stars with hard man – if hard man constitutes as someone who looks like too much of a bed-wetter to do PR for Coldplay (and UFO enthusiast) – Danny Dyer, who has a fantastic record in cinema, doesn’t he?

Christ.

“Insiders” have mentioned that Wright is trying to drop his Essex accent to have a crack at Hollywood, which shouldn’t even be worth saying, really, because “speaking differently” and “playing a character who isn’t you” is called “acting”. “Speech marks”.

Wright’s publicist, or “Talky Word Man”, said:

“He loves The Business and Football Factory, so it’s a dream for him to work with Danny and Tamar. Add Kelly into the mix, he’s made up.”

Maybe this is proof that you can achieve anything if you’re a moron.

Harry Potter star, Harry Potter (or, Daniel Radcliffe as his mum refers to him when she’s shouting abuse up the stairs) is a wimp of the highest order. Why? Because wickle Dan Dan can’t handle his ale.

And he’s proud to admit it.

Apparently, Radcliffe had a drink problem. The problem was that, every single stinkin’ time he drank some lovely booze, he’d ‘black out’. Get that! He didn’t pass out a few times. He blacked out so frequently it became ‘his thing’. What a wimp. He probably passes out after eating those horrible chocolates with liqueurs inside them.

When asked if he had ‘fun drunken nights out’ before giving up alcohol in August 2010, Radcliffe said:

“Yeah, but I can’t remember them. Seriously, in the last three years of drinking I blacked out nearly every time. Blacking out was my thing.”

This reeks of someone wanting to paste an edge onto themselves doesn’t it? When lacking in personality, get yourself a problem. It’s definitely a thing – just look at half of twitter pretending to be socially awkward.

And Radcliffe’s problems didn’t end there. He was so concerned with his behaviour when he’d been having a nice glug that he became ‘a recluse at 20’, drinking alone at home like a sad old soak.

‘The drinking was unhealthy and damaging to my body and my social life. That’s beyond question… I was living in constant fear of who I’d meet, what I might have said to them, what I might have done with them, so I’d stay in my apartment for days and drink alone.”

“I was a recluse at 20. It was pathetic – it wasn’t me. I’m a fun, polite person and it turned me into a rude bore. For a long time people were saying to me, “We think you have a problem,” but in the end I had to come to the realisation myself.”

And so, what did Daniel do? He talked to Gary Oldman of course!

“I did talk to him about it once. I didn’t say I had a problem -–because I didn’t think I did at that point – but I told him I shared that mentality he had for actively seeking out chaos.”

“He just said, “You can’t keep doing this. You’ve got too much to lose”. And that really went in. But not even he could have stopped me alone – I had to stop myself.”

“And stopping has shown me a world of happiness that I didn’t think was possible.”

Gah. Sounds like someone’s about to find religion, doesn’t it? Still, America will love this chat, mainly because they’ve got a gigantic problem with those who take a little refreshment on a night out.

Meanwhile, Europe raises a glass like a massive tough guy.

Films. Movies. Whatever you call them, they are still being released. They’re always being released. They’ll never stop being released. Surely, at some point, we’ll reach a time when we’ve got enough films. We only need so many, right?

Anyway, until then, we’ve got to look at the newest flicks that are coming out. You can almost smell the stale popcorn.

So, here’s what the week in film trailers looks like for those of you who are hearing and/or visually impaired we’re doing the dirty work so you don’t have to.

Now if you’re still one of the poor serfs who has Spotify or television adverts in your life then you will have been numbed by the incessant marketing of a film called Chronicle.

You’ll all be delighted to know this is coming to an end as the film is out tomorrow, but here it is one more time just to make sure you never go and watch it.

What’s that? Douche-bag school kids who probably say things like douche-bag all the time and a ‘found’ film? Either way, these bozos have super powers and one of them goes a little bit psycho. They listen to, sing, and enjoy Jessie J and then they have the nerve to ask us what we’re capable of. Well we’re capable of not watching this movie that’s for sure.

This on the other hand we don’t even really want to discuss, but before you watch it we want to devastate you with the news that you will soon be witnessing Al Pacino starring as himself in Adam Sandler’s ‘The Death of Comedy’ where he plays his own twin sister. Eddie Murphy must be furious.

Eurgh.

More odd is that here’s a trailer for a good film for you! Well, it looks good at any rate. See? We’re not wholly negative goons.

HA! We made you watch one of the Olsen sisters act. She’s not on crack though and she doesn’t have an eating disorder so it’s all looking up for Martha Marcy May Marlene. Plus it has John Hawkes, who is the most underrated actor of a generation and Brady Corbet who is hot stuff for you members of the population who can’t watch a film unless it has good abs and hair being flaunted for at least 45 minutes.

Okay, you’re going to want to ready yourselves for the next one, it’s by Jason Reitman and Diablo ‘used to be a whore in practice now just in your thoughts’ Cody.

On a level of your new favourite movie to totally crapping twee how good/awful does that look?

Charlize Theron was good as an ugly serial killer in that film that was about the ugly serial killer, but she’s much better as a smoking hot grade a bitch.

Now go to the cinema and stop bothering us.

Plot holes! Popcorn! If you hadn’t guessed, hecklerspray is venturing into the world of film criticism and, as awards season rolls around again with all the depressing monotony of Madonna trying her best to make a movie, we couldn’t have picked a better time to start.

We’ve already seen The Golden Globes pass by like a bus that couldn’t be bothered to hit anyone and The London Critics Circle had an altogether more serious affair for the ‘proper’ films; they’ll be the ones you never saw while you were queuing for tickets to The Inbetweeners Movie.

Now though it’s time for that decrepit golden man to bestow some acclaim on some people who really don’t need anymore; enter Oscar. In other words – let us look at new trailers for new films.

The nominations have been announced to massive sighs from just about everyone other than Michael Hazantthisfilmbeentalkedaboutenoughalreadyvicius who’s silent film The Artist is quickly rising from ‘underdog’ to “Oh my god this is, like, totally amazing and deserving of everything thrown its way,” favourite.

The uncouth Frenchman couldn’t even be bothered to write dialogue and still has a chance of winning best screenplay; will someone alert the academy? They’re probably all so old they didn’t even notice.

If you’re one of those run of the mill: “This Orange Wednesday thing is pretty ground breaking,” type people then you will never have heard of Albert Nobbs which is perfectly fine because it’s not going to win either of the three awards it’s nominated for and it can disappear blissfully back into obscurity. While we’re here though may as well watch the trailer, eh?

As far as we can tell it’s about a gender politics in a bygone era where everybody didn’t really get ’round to shouting HAVE YOU SEEN GLENN CLOSE’S FACE?

Elsewhere, one of the most bizarre decisions was to nominate Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close for best picture, being that nobody really knows or cares anything about it; especially in this country where the marketing campaign is only just getting going.

It has a young wide-eyed boy, Tom Hanks laughing, Sandra Bullock doing ‘the look’, and Max Von Sydow giving Christopher Plummer a run for his money in the old stakes. It’s about 9/11 and pretty much says “This is going to be more epic than Epic Movie”. It also has this:

And now, over to The Help which has a butt-load of nominations.

Hark! A film that tackles racism by succumbing to every lousy racial stereotype there is!

Obviously many other films were nominated for something or other this year and Michael Fassbender’s penis was Shame(fully) ignored. We think Chris Nolan is going to surprise win all the categories despite the scandalous underrepresentation of all the films he didn’t make this year.

It’s disheartening how much that woman isn’t Michelle Rodriguez.

Cynthia Nixon is a lot of things to different people; third favourite character in Sex And The City, postmodern mother, pretend lover, and of late, power lesbian, but recently she’s transitioned from bona fide actress into one trick, famous homosexualist.

We were all shocked when Nixon revealed that she had hitched herself up with a woman after the collapse of her 15 year marriage to a man. And even more shocked when she debuted her brand new baby to us all.

Well set down that cup of coffee and prepare yourself for some of the most absurd news that you will hear today, unless a US congressman tries to say that 9/11 was orchestrated by Phil Mitchell to flush out Michelle and Vicky Fowler. Rumour has it that Vicky is going to be Albert Square’s version of John Connor when Mr. Papadopolous’ Launderette rises up and strikes.

But homicidal spin cycles aside, Cynthia Nixon has said something so completely mental and stupid that having a tumble dryer bearing down on us on a ravaged battlefield is what we deserve for listening to Nixon’s, frankly, trollish behaviour.

As she was showing off her new bald head to Regis and Kelly (but without Regis), Nixon thought that spouting some incredibly inflammatory remarks about what it means to be gay would be completely appropriate and not at all raising publicity for whatever god awful film she’s starring in that revolves around cancer.

Why would anyone give two hoots that she’s got a bald head? Unless she’s brandishing an umbrella and a maddening glint on her eye, no-one’s going to care are they? Anyway, between talking about whatever character she is going to ruin, she told the hosts about a recent speech she gave.

“I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better. And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out.”

“I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.”

This isn’t the first time that Nixon has angered the gay community by letting her ill-thought opinions out. She’s also helpfully told the New York Times:

“Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realise I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with.”

It sounds like Auld Cynth gets angry about a lot of things doesn’t it? Obviously between having her cake and eating it too, Cynthia wants to get a little revolutionary as well, which is fine with us. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, even if the opinions are unfairly timed and eventually misjudged, but to say anything as generalising as being gay is a choice is making herself look just like the bigots who she is, hopefully, campaigning against.

It does sound like she’s got a touch of the Santorums doesn’t it?

So, in conclusion, rich, famous lesbians can sometimes say offensive things when they have a film out that they need to promote. There’s no point getting your knickers in a twist because she’s probably so filled with the scent of her own self worth that her shit probably tells her how fantastic she is as it flushes away.

The Mayans said that the World would end in 2012, December 21st in fact (so don’t be buying any Peacocks gifts vouchers), but those pesky Aztec ripoff neglected to mention that one the signs of the upcoming Apocalypse would be Helena Bonham-Carter not starring in a Tim Burton film.

And here we are, like the nose on your plain face, looking right at the factual evidence that Bonham-Carter is going to be elsewhere when they film ‘Big Eyes.’

Instead of the massively haired weirdo, Burton has picked the insufferable Reese Witherspoon and the equally insufferable but slightly more fanciable, Ryan Reynolds to play the parts of indie artists, Margaret and Walter Keane respectively.

For those who don’t know and can’t be bothered to look on Wikipedia, the Keane’s are responsible for some of the scariest artwork, and surely an inspiration for Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s face. Massive, doe eyed women wearing clown leotards, or lying down next to tigers.

Whether you’ve heard of them or not makes no odds, because we doubt anyone will be going to see this film. There’s no Bonham-Carter in it, is there?!

The film depicts the court case where Margaret disputed the claims her husband, Walter, made about their paintings. Turns out that Maggie had allowed Walter to use his name to sell them but when it came to their divorce, she wanted them back. To prove to a judge that she was the true creator of the scary looking paintings, she knocked one up whereas he cried off claiming that he had a sore shoulder.

Loser.

The whole film sounds dreadful doesn’t it, like it should be Legally Blonde 5: The Peroxide Is Starting To Make My Hair Fall Out.

What’s more important is where will Bonham-Carter be during the filming? Probably stashing weapons grade uranium into her hair and smuggling it out of North Korea. Or continuing her research into antibiotic resistant influenza in the Burt Cave.

Lindsay Lohan isn’t as much fun as she used to be. Remember when she was constantly full of drink and drugs, having sex with everyone, stealing jewels and getting accused of assault and battery? Those were good days.

Sadly, she seems to have straightened herself out… BUT WAIT!

See, LiLo has been doing her community service, hauling her speckled self around a morgue! Ostensibly, Judge Stephanie Sautner wants her to fix herself by warping her mind with dead bodies. Get the feeling that we’ll be seeing good ol’ Insane Lohan again in the future?

In a bid to mend the broken insides of Lindsay Lohan, the law has required her to complete 12 morgue visits and 4 psychotherapy sessions by Tuesday’s court hearing. That’s more dead body contact than psychiatric help. How wonderful!

While at the morgue, Lohan has been a model employee, which clearly means that she’s falling in love with all the stiffs.

After tomorrow’s hearing, Lindsay will be at the halfway mark of her probation, which means that she’ll have to complete ANOTHER 12 morgue visits and 4 therapy classes.

She’s going to be barking mad by the time the law is done with her.

And the best thing is, should she mess up, she’ll find herself being sent to prison for 270 days, which will absolutely erode whatever semblance of human is left in there.

She doesn’t stand a chance does she?

Where there’s blame, there’s a claim… right? Well, in the case of paparazzi photographer and presumed harassing scum-ventricle, Grigor Baylan, he’s suing Lindsay Lohan for something she didn’t actually do for once.

Our papping chum is taking legal action against the actress after he found himself being run over  by a motor car that was trying to get away from… you guessed it! The paparazzo.

And the best bit is – LiLo wasn’t even driving the car!

The photographer’s lawyer, Neil Steiner, told ambulance chasing TMZ, that the actress is being chased in this particular legal case because her assistant was at the wheel and operating under her instruction.

Feel free to arch an eyebrow at that.

Steiner says that he’s contacted Lindsay’s insurance company to settle the claim but they only made an ‘insignificant offer’.

Of course, there’s nothing funny going on here.

No-one is trying to milk a situation for all it’s worth. The lawyer insisted he is only seeking ‘reasonable compensation’ for his client, who was medically treated for orthopaedic and neurologic injuries following the incident, which took place on January 10, 2010.

This definitely isn’t a case of targeting someone who might want to throw money at a scenario because they’re worried about a judge hauling them back into court to send them to prison for previous misdemeanours.

Definitely, definitely not that.

Eighties child-star Corey Feldman has revealed his plans to release a tell-all book naming and shaming two Hollywood pervs.

The-famous-Corey-that-isn’t-dead made similar allegations last August that he was targeted by predatory men from age 14. However, rather than take these claims to the police, he seems to have walked passed the station, right to a publisher.

This is Hollywood after all.

He seh:

“Even today people say about me, ‘Eighties heartthrob; hasn’t done anything since.’ The truth is I haven’t stopped. Last year I did four films.

“Corey and I were pegged as the scapegoats…

“People need to know the reason Corey and I were swept under the carpet like the beaten dogs that were sent to the pound so no one had to deal with us anymore.”

Now, there’s no telling what Alive Corey is talking about specifically. Predatory perverts, in Hollywood?! Next you’ll be telling us that those weren’t yoghurt stains on that big comfy sofa in our agent’s soundproofed, airless office.

Disclaimer: allegations of abuse of any kind are a serious matter. However, there are better ways to shop perps (yes, we said perps) than in a tell-all book. There are entire institutions and agencies dedicated to this sort of thing.

And to hang your dead-in-the-water career on it, well, hate to tell you this Corey, but your rollercoaster ride with heroin and weight-gain may have contributed to that a little.

Considering Feldman was one of Michael Jackson’s biggest champions (despite admitting the singer once showed him a book containing photos of diseased genitals), we’re all quite interested to see who he is going to name and shame.

Bonus point: The video back from August 2011

Lindsay Lohan wants you to know that she’s a moron. That’s the only possible reason why she emerged from a tattoo parlour this week permanently marked with the phrase: Live Without Regrets.

The starlet drunken car crash is said to have told pals that she’s ‘at a great point in her life and wanted to do something she’d always remember’.

Who wouldn’t want to remember the first second third time they got their vag out for the public? At least this time it was sponsored by Playboy and not 12 Jagerbombs and an hour in the powder rooms

And while there’s talk that she could be playing Liz Taylor in a flick (a mental harridan portraying an older, equally dead-eyed lunatic), her work shouldn’t ever be considered as inspiration for a tattoo.

Other possible highlight from 2011 that Lindsay might want to commemorate:

• Racking up $1.4m in legal fees
• Losing $10,000 cash at a house party
• Being photographed French-kissing her own mother
• Having her dad tell everyone that she’s ‘either smoking crack or meth’
• Being sentenced to 30 days in jail
• Getting fitted with a new set of teeth to make her look less of a meth-head
• Spending over $90,000 on limos
• Being accused of having an affair with married man Vikram Chatwal
• Threatening to sue Pitbull, Dania Ramez and Mena Suvari,
• Being caught shoplifting a necklace
• Getting sued for assault and battery

To be fair, we only went as far back as far as July 2011 before we got bored of thinking of reasons why 2011 was ‘a great point of her life’.

It’s entirely possible that she saved some nuns, puppies and orphans from a house fire previous to this.

Lindsay darling, when most people are at a point in their lives they want to remember, they take a Polaroid. They don’t sketch the phrase on their hands like that vigilante from Memento.

There’s nothing good about this tattoo – the hand writing looks like it was scrawled by a drunken crack w- oh, oh wait, we get it now.

This was a guest post by Lady Robotnik and, most likely, she’s gonna kick you into a coma.

You’ve seen Sherlock on BBC television right? Yeah, that homoerotic nonsense that all furrowed brows and winks to camera. It’s awful isn’t it? If you’re the kind of swine-nosed, spotty sloven who is now tutting in disgust at such a sentiment, we have news.

Mr Benedict Cumberbatch, a man with a face like an iron hand, is going to be in the new Star Trek movie.

The British actor has been cast in J.J. Abrams’ sequel to his 2009 ‘Star Trek’ reboot, according to Deadline.com. And when have they ever lied? And he could well be getting a juicy role.

Of course, you’re not bothered about the role he’ll be getting because you’re still fapping over the various glimpses of flesh that Benny Cummerbund flashes during his tenure as a smack-head violin detective aren’t you?

For those not working their groins up into a froth, Cumberbatch’s role is shrouded in mystery BUT, it seems that there’s mutterings which are growing louder and louder.

The rumours say that he’ll be playing the movie’s villain. Quite possibly Khan. This gives us the chance to mention the original Khan because not only is it relevant, but it’s also the best name ever – Ricardo Montalban.

Cumberbatch has a full diary of late, starring as a British cavalry officer in Spielberg’s ‘War Horse’ as well as a turn in ‘Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’. He’s also joining his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman in ‘The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey’ as the voice of the dragon Smaug.

Honestly. Grown men pretending to be dragons and elves.

Anyway, Benedict joins Chris Pine (Captain Kirk), Zachary Quinto (Spock), Zoe Saldana (Uhura), Karl Urban (Dr. McCoy), John Cho (Sulu) and Simon Pegg (Scotty) in this new Trekfest and everyone can continue having a big ol’ fiddle with themselves.

Hope you’re happy, scumbags.

Taylor Swift (the Hayseed Barbie) has apparently been offered the role of Eponine in Tom Hooper’s new ‘Les Miserables’ film, which is clearly terrible news for those chumps amongst you who like overwrought musicals.

What’ll irritate the purists even more is that Swift has seemingly beaten off (no, not like that) actual actors including Lea Michele, Scarlett Johansson and Evan Rachel Wood.

Teenyboppers will be thrilling one off all over their Hello Kitty pen-tops while adults will be puking in their hands at the disgust of it all.

Talking to MTV, Molly Washok, 17 said:

“I seriously love ‘Les Miz.’ It’s a great Broadway musical. And I’ve seen Taylor Swift in shows and I love her so much. I’m a big fan of both, so it makes me excited.”

But can she act? She’ll be joined in Les Miserables by some big-hitting A-Listers like Hugh Jackman, Helena Bonham Carter, Russell Crowe and Anne Hathaway, and potentially, Amanda Seyfried.

So what landed Taylor the gig? Is it her likeness to Eponine?

Well, in Victor Hugo’s novel, Eponine grows up a spoiled brat who ends up in appalling poverty due to the bankruptcy of her parents’ inn. Eponine is described as a “pale, puny, meagre creature.” So far so good.

However, she’s also noted as having a hoarse voice like “a drunken galley slave’s” due to it being “roughened by brandy and by liquors.” Taylor Swift is about as sordid as Aled Jones. Eponine also has missing teeth and mangled hair, not to mention bony shoulders, heavy brooding drooping eyes, and a premature-aging face ‘with only a trace of beauty lingering’.

You can see why she got the part now, can’t you?