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George Lucas has not exactly endeared himself to Star Wars fanatics lately, tinkering with the films they love so dearly. Darth Vader shouting “Noooooo!” seems to have sent fans so insane with rage, that they have written many, many angry forum posts.
Heavy. Death Star heavy.
And so, like a small boy who is tired of being shouted at by his parents, George Lucas has announced that Star Wars is being killed off, forever.
Rehashing old films is the order of the day in Hollywood currently. 3D rereleases of old tat and revamps of 80s TV series, boardgames and movies are rampant. With Total Recall getting remade without Arnie, what can he do with his time?
Well, when he’s not constantly saying sorry for shagging his maid and having a secret child with her, he’s obviously looked toward the comedic roles that were terrible in a non-ironic enjoyment way.
And so, in what is one of the most peculiar news stories of 2012, it appears that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito will be revisiting their Twins film, bringing along Eddie Murphy to make the sequel, Triplets. No. The milkman didn’t spike you this morning.
Will Ferrell is one of the worst things ever to happen to anything. He’s up there with Adam Sandler, Sarah Silverman and Robert Mugabe. And all of these people are mystifyingly popular with gawping idiots.
Ferrell, presumably mugging in someone’s face and making farting noises right now, has a criminal record of tawdry comedy as long as your hecklerspray‘s face.
And our face is so very long because Ferrell has announced that he’s bringing newscaster Ron Burgundy back in a sequel to Anchorman.
Tibet and gerbil lover, Richard Gere won millions of fans when he played Edward Lewis in Pretty Woman. We say ‘fans’, we actually mean ‘women’. They loved him in that. A ruthless bastard with a prostitute and loads of money!
Some women have wonderful taste in men, don’t they?
Either way, Gere doesn’t care. He doesn’t care at all because he hates Pretty Woman, which means he probably thinks you’re massively stupid for liking it. Why aren’t you meditating and saying China Is Shit or something?
Apparently, Keira Knightley feels self-conscious about her ”bad skin”. Absolutely no word on her feeling self-conscious about her awful, despairing acting skills, but there you go. Did you expect anything else from a woman who willingly starred in Domino?
Of course, having bad skin is no laughing matter. Unless you look like a pizza, which is absolutely hilarious.
But Keira is the 26-year-old face of Chanel, so she’s got problems there, right? She’s got a much-photographed face. AND IT HAS SOME BAD SKIN ON IT!
We are pleased, delighted, and completely over-excited to inform you all that the popular director Michael Bay will be getting some money from a film studio to make a film called Ouija. Yes, it’s had a massive budget cut which means that the even more popular director McG probably won’t be directing it anymore, but fear not guys where’s there’s a will, there’s a Bay (see what we did there?)
We can’t show you a trailer because it’s not got that far yet, sadly, but just imagine people sitting in a dark room on the floor moving their hands, while pretending not to, around a wooden board. AOK.
Now, down to business, films, trailers, film trailers, they’re all over the place and one film gets like three trailers sometimes; talk about overkill. Those slick Hollywood suits know how you think though. They’re phone hacking your brain with technology far more sophisticated than we care to disclose at this time and they know you like the trailers.
When Brad Pitt ran off with Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston cried and cried and cried. Every time we heard about her, she was weeping, jealous, lonely, worried and generally pathetic in a vest top (no bra, natch).
Now, it would seem that the baton of wallow has been passed to Aniston’s good chum, Courteney Cox who still has far too many E’s in her name.
Y’see, Jen’s friendship with Courteney Cox has reportedly becoming ”strained” since she started dating Justin Theroux. The bitch! How dare she have the temerity to have a happy relationship while Courteney Cox is grieving her husband having it off with another woman? Wait. Is this payback?
Hands up if you were excited seeing The Avengers when it gets released in April. Well we’ll just go ahead and chop those hands off because it seems that you won’t be seeing The Avengers anytime soon. Nope. Disney has decided that the great British public, those responsible for making Katie Price a business woman, are too stupid to realise that a film being released in 2012 has absolutely no similarities to a 1960s TV show.
What’s that about?
What’s that about, indeed hecklersprayers? Disney, who bought Marvel Entertainment in 2009 for $4 billion, thinks that you’re too stupid to differentiate between different characters four decades apart. Too stupid to realise that Captain America never appeared with John Steed. Too bumbling to see that Scarlett Johansson was clearly too young to be in it.
