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Tom Ford Makes A Film, Whoopy Doo

by Stuart Heritage

Tom Ford is basically a modern-day Renaissance man – one day he’ll make a pair of trousers, the next he’ll make, dunno, a sweater or something.

But Tom Ford isn’t a man who restricts himself to only making things for rich image-conscious idiots to wear. No, now he’s decided to turn his hand to making things for rich image-conscious idiots to sit and slowly fall asleep to and then wake up and pretend to have enjoyed because it makes them look clever. That’s right – Tom Ford is making a movie.

Apparently Tom Ford has adapted the novel A Single Man into a movie, and he’s managed to get Julianne Moore and Colin Firth to star in it. We don’t know if A Single Man will be good yet, but we suspect it largely depends on his resolve – at some point he’s bound to crack and give Victoria Beckham a part in it, and how large that part is will determine how many teeth we’ll smash out with our shoe if we ever have to watch it.

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Robert Downey Jr Signs For The Disappointing Third Iron Man Film

by Stuart Heritage

Robert Downey Jr knows a good thing when he sees it – like handguns, lots of Class A drugs and movies directed by Guy Ritchie.

OK OK OK, so Robert Downey Jr doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it. Probably seven out of ten times he knows a good thing when actually he sees a rubbish thing. But Robert Downey Jr does know what things will make him richer than his wildest dreams, and he chases those things like a dog.

According to reports, Robert Downey Jr has signed a contract securing him to Iron Man 3 and an Avengers movie. This is particularly good news for anyone who, while enjoying the original Iron Man, really wants to see Iron Man get overtaken by an alien, grow an evil haircut and then dancing the Twist with Kirsten Dunst while cooking some eggs. For Superhero Law states that all of the above must happen in Iron Man 3.

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The Jonas Brothers & A Farting Dog: A Movie Match Made In, Um…

by Stuart Heritage

In generations to come, serious historians will pinpoint High School Musical 3 as the event that kickstarted the fall of mankind.

You might not think so now, but you will. Because if it wasn’t for the box office success of High School Musical 3, then there’s isn’t a chance in hell that God-bothering tweenypop virgins The Jonas Brothers would be allowed to make a movie entitled Walter The Farting Dog, about a fat dog named Walter who farts a lot.

But they are. The Jonas Brothers are making a movie called Walter The Farting Dog, based on a successful range of children’s books. We can only pray that The Jonas Brother make Walter The Farting Dog a success, because that will inevitably lead to the most perfect movie of all time – Miley Cyrus in an adaptation of Ingrid The Diarrhetic Menstruating Monkey.

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Top 28 Horror Movie Villains

by David Schwartz

With Halloween just around the corner we thought we would get into the spirit. Well, come up with the worst villains in horror movie history at least.

If horror movies have taught us anything, it is that we are all sick bastards. Sorry, we mean it tells that all like to be scared out of our wits. That’s it. We take absolutely no sick pleasure from teenagers being eaten alive, cut to pieces or burnt alive – it’s all about the thrill of being frightened.

But, of course, the best horror villains don’t tend to be the ones we are afraid of. They are the ones we actually quite like. Unstoppable serial killers, frazzled up kiddie-fiddlers and maniacal dolls are just some of the anti-heroes idolised by horror fans the world over. We just can’t get enough of them, it seems.

Now if you wanted to really get scared, we suggest you make movies about global warming, nuclear holocaust or John McCain.

Anyway, enjoy.

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Matt Damon Signs For Bourne 4: The Bourne Senility

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s some advance warning – Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass are making a fourth Bourne film, so stock up on the motion sickness pills while you still can.

That’s right – although The Bourne Ultimatum ended with a satisfyingly ambiguous scene where Matt Damon may have possibly drowned, you can now be pretty sure he didn’t. Bourne 4 is on the way and there’s nothing anybody can do about it.

Best of all, Bourne 4 will be the first Bourne film not to be based on a Robert Ludlum novel. Phew, finally we won’t have to worry about plot or character development or anything – just endless scenes of Matt Damon jumping across buildings and arbitrarily punching people while being filmed by what appears to be a drunk Parkinson’s sufferer trying to operate a pneumatic drill on a trampoline on a boat in a storm. Perfect.

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Muppets To Murder Each Other In Weird New Movie

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve all, at one point or another, fantasised about stamping on Elmo’s throat just to stop him referring to himself in the third-person.

But that’s probably as far as Muppet murder has ever got. But that can all change now, because The Jim Henson Co has decided to make a movie about – and this isn’t a joke – an alcoholic, murder-solving puppet detective on the hunt for a killer in a world where puppets and humans coexist.

The movie – The Happytime Murders – is said to have dark adult themes and won’t be suitable for children. What’s more, it’s apparently based on the time that Big Bird got wrecked on crack and went mental with a hedge-trimmer up Mr Snuffleupagus’ rectum. Ah, the 1980s.

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Top 10 Movie Losers

by hecklerspray staff

Losers are everywhere. It’s a scientific fact and the silver screen has had its fair share over the years.

Last week How To Lose Friends and Alienate People was released in the cinemas, putting another loser on the big screen in the form of Simon Pegg’s Sidney Young. In a move that’s totally non-affiliated with that film, we here at hecklerspray have decided to compile together a list of a bunch of losers, that one way or another, have given us greats amount of joy over the years in the cinema.

Maybe it’s because we’re better than them, maybe it’s because it gives us hope or maybe they are just too cool in a world that doesn’t appreciate them, either way, here we go…

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Yogi Bear: The Movie, Inexplicably Coming Quite Soon

by Stuart Heritage

Of all the anthropomorphic hat-wearing cartoon bears who consistently overestimate their own intelligence, Yogi Bear is probably the one that deserves his own film the most.

In which case, get ready to be excited. Warner Bros is putting together a live action/CG hybrid movie based on Yogi Bear. Although it’s still early days, the studio is hoping that the Yogi Bear movie will replicate the success of Alvin & The Chipmunks and Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties, in that children will quite like it even though it’s obvious to everyone else that it couldn’t be any worse if it had a farting nun in it.

But however it turns out, there’s no doubt that this Yogi Bear movie will be better than the 1982 fully live action Yogi Bear movie that ended in tragic circumstances when, enraged by the hat and restricting collar it was forced to wear, the grizzly playing Yogi Bear lashed out and horrifically mauled Ranger Smith to death. Those images of Boo Boo tearing lumps from Smith’s disemboweled thigh won’t be forgotten in a hurry.

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All Blind People Furious At Movie About Some Blind People

by Stuart Heritage

Being blind must be horrible – as well as being constantly vulnerable, you’d never be able to experience the delight of 2 Girls 1 Cup.

What’s more, people think they can make movies about you and just get away with it. Well they can’t. The National Federation Of The Blind in America is planning to protest the release of new movie Blindness because of what it claims is its unfair portrayal of the blind.

Upset by these accusations, Miramax – the studio behind Blindness – has agreed to make some changes to the movie prior to its release. Unfortunately for the blind, these changes include the insertion of a 10-minute sequence featuring the legend ‘ALL BLIND PEOPLE ARE RUBBISH’ and the entire cast of Blindness all dancing around silently, pulling spaz faces and getting their bums out.

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George Clooney To Allegedly Play Pension-ish Lone Ranger

by Shawn Lindseth

In olden times our fathers, and our father’s fathers were all taught a strict moral code by the Lone Ranger.

That moral code is that it’s ok to enslave good natured American Indians if it’s for the cause of justice, and if the act of doing so helps end low-budget criminal activity in any of its usual forms. This is a lesson that was taught over and over again – first on the radio, then on television.

As Indian sidekick rental prices began to skyrocket, however, it’s a lesson that was soon forgotten. Not for long though – because if recent rumors are to be believed – George Clooney is about to revive the Lone Ranger on the big screen. Some of the brains behind the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise are apparently behind it.

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