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movie

There’s Going To Be A Twilight 2. Oh, Look Surprised

by Stuart Heritage

Do you think that the world can never have enough rubbish-looking teenage vampire films featuring hamfisted pro-abstinence agendas?

You do? Well then, we’ve got two very exciting pieces of news for you! 1) Twilight, probably your favourite rubbish-looking teenage vampire film featuring a hamfisted pro-abstinence agenda, has been so hugely successful in its opening week that a sequel has already been greenlit, and 2) gosh, you’re an infuriating bellsack.

Will Twilight 2 be a success? Hardly – the screaming teenage girls who love Twilight will soon realise that handsome, dangerous boys willing to wait for sex don’t actually exist. Brokenhearted, they’ll hurl their virginity at the first boy to notice them, quickly get pregnant and wind up with five babies from five different fathers and zero self-esteem by the time Twilight 2 is released in 2010. Or at least that’s what we hope, anyway.

Do you think that the world can never have enough rubbish-looking teenage vampire films featuring hamfisted pro-abstinence agendas? You do? Well then, we've got two very exciting pieces of news for you! 1) Twilight, probably your favourite rubbish-looking teenage vampire film featuring a hamfisted pro-abstinence agenda, has been so hugely successful in its opening week that a sequel has already been greenlit, and 2) gosh, you're an infuriating bellsack. Will Twilight 2 be a success? Hardly - the screaming teenage girls who love Twilight will soon realise that handsome, dangerous boys willing to wait for sex don't actually exist. Brokenhearted, they'll hurl their virginity at the first boy to notice them, quickly get pregnant and wind up with five babies from five different fathers and zero self-esteem by the time Twilight 2 is released in 2010. Or at least that's what we hope, anyway.
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Britney Spears Not The Virgin Mary

by Stuart Heritage

As her stints on How I Met Your Mother proved, Britney Spears’ love of acting is almost as huge as everyone else’s ambivalence to it.

And now that she’s a successful singer once again, it’s only natural that Britney Spears will start looking for more ways to showcase her unique acting abilities, too. But that movie won’t be Sweet Baby Jesus, the film where Britney Spears was rumoured to be playing the Virgin Mary.

But now it’s been revealed that Britney Spears will no longer be the Virgin Mary. And we won’t lie to you – we’re relieved. Because if Britney Spears is the Virgin Mary, then it’d sort of mean that Kevin Federline was God. And that would mean that heaven is a shabby trailer with the video to Popozao playing on an unstoppable loop on a giant plasma screen that you can’t ever look away from. And all the angels have cornrows and smell a bit.

As her stints on How I Met Your Mother proved, Britney Spears' love of acting is almost as huge as everyone else's ambivalence to it. And now that she's a successful singer once again, it's only natural that Britney Spears will start looking for more ways to showcase her unique acting abilities, too. But that movie won't be Sweet Baby Jesus, the film where Britney Spears was rumoured to be playing the Virgin Mary. But now it's been revealed that Britney Spears will no longer be the Virgin Mary. And we won't lie to you - we're relieved. Because if Britney Spears is the Virgin Mary, then it'd sort of mean that Kevin Federline was God. And that would mean that heaven is a shabby trailer with the video to Popozao playing on an unstoppable loop on a giant plasma screen that you can't ever look away from. And all the angels have cornrows and smell a bit.
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Video: Arrested Development The Movie Is Officially “A Go”

by Shawn Lindseth

One morning, when we were very young, our father burst into our room to tell us that overnight our mother had somehow transformed into 322 lbs (he weighed it first thing) of gold bullion, and we were all rich beyond our wildest dreams. This was good news. In college we didn’t graduate, but on commencement [...]

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Beyonce Wants To Be Wonder Woman Something Rotten

by Stuart Heritage

This is getting confusing – first Beyonce told us that she was Sasha Fierce, and now she might be Wonder Woman as well.

Beyonce, that is. Not Sasha Fierce. Unless Sasha Fierce wants to be Wonder Woman instead of Beyonce. But at the moment we just think that it’s Beyonce who wants to be Wonder Woman, and Sasha Fierce hasn’t got anything to do with it. Except that Sasha Fierce is Beyonce, so technically they both want to be Wonder Woman. Clear?

Good. Beyonce wants to be Wonder Woman in a new movie. Which sort of makes sense. She’s got the thighs for it, we suppose.

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Captain America To Be Directed By… Oh. Really? That Guy?

by Stuart Heritage

Part of what has made Marvel’s forays into feature films so exciting is the quality of director it has managed to secure for each movie.

Whether it’s an indie darling like Jon Favreau directing Iron Man, a theatrical powerhouse like Kenneth Branagh helming Thor or a thrilling young up-and-comer like Louis Leterrier taking on The Incredible Hulk, Marvel has always managed to impress. So, with that in mind, who has Marvel signed on to direct Captain America, one of the most iconic characters in its stable?

Joe Johnston. Come on, you know, Joe Johnston. The man who directed Jurassic Park III. And, um, The Rocketeer. Oh, you know him. He wrote one episode of the Star Wars Droids cartoon spin-off in 1895. Joe Johnston, you know. Old Joey Jo-Jo Johnston. This Captain America film is going to freaking rule.

Part of what has made Marvel's forays into feature films so exciting is the quality of director it has managed to secure for each movie. Whether it's an indie darling like Jon Favreau directing Iron Man, a theatrical powerhouse like Kenneth Branagh helming Thor or a thrilling young up-and-comer like Louis Leterrier taking on The Incredible Hulk, Marvel has always managed to impress. So, with that in mind, who has Marvel signed on to direct Captain America, one of the most iconic characters in its stable? Joe Johnston. Come on, you know, Joe Johnston. The man who directed Jurassic Park III. And, um, The Rocketeer. Oh, you know him. He wrote one episode of the Star Wars Droids cartoon spin-off in 1895. Joe Johnston, you know. Old Joey Jo-Jo Johnston. This Captain America film is going to freaking rule.
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Farrelly Brothers To Ruin All You Liked About The Three Stooges

by Stuart Heritage

As timeless at The Three Stooges were, their movies didn’t really have enough masturbation or funny disabled people in them.

But that’s all going to change! Why? Because there’s going to be a new Three Stooges movie coming out next year, and it’s going to a) be set in the modern world, b) partially feature The Three Stooges as children and c) be written and directed by The Farrelly Brothers.

Leaving aside the fact that it’ll probably end up starring Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Jimmy Fallon, it’s quite hard to understand why The Farrelly Brothers are even making a new movie based on The Three Stooges in the first place. After all, it’ll probably be much cheaper to train a monkey to rub its own poo across the gravestones of the old Three Stooges, wouldn’t it?

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Tom Ford Makes A Film, Whoopy Doo

by Stuart Heritage

Tom Ford is basically a modern-day Renaissance man – one day he’ll make a pair of trousers, the next he’ll make, dunno, a sweater or something.

But Tom Ford isn’t a man who restricts himself to only making things for rich image-conscious idiots to wear. No, now he’s decided to turn his hand to making things for rich image-conscious idiots to sit and slowly fall asleep to and then wake up and pretend to have enjoyed because it makes them look clever. That’s right – Tom Ford is making a movie.

Apparently Tom Ford has adapted the novel A Single Man into a movie, and he’s managed to get Julianne Moore and Colin Firth to star in it. We don’t know if A Single Man will be good yet, but we suspect it largely depends on his resolve – at some point he’s bound to crack and give Victoria Beckham a part in it, and how large that part is will determine how many teeth we’ll smash out with our shoe if we ever have to watch it.

Tom Ford is basically a modern-day Renaissance man - one day he'll make a pair of trousers, the next he'll make, dunno, a sweater or something. But Tom Ford isn't a man who restricts himself to only making things for rich image-conscious idiots to wear. No, now he's decided to turn his hand to making things for rich image-conscious idiots to sit and slowly fall asleep to and then wake up and pretend to have enjoyed because it makes them look clever. That's right - Tom Ford is making a movie. Apparently Tom Ford has adapted the novel A Single Man into a movie, and he's managed to get Julianne Moore and Colin Firth to star in it. We don't know if A Single Man will be good yet, but we suspect it largely depends on his resolve - at some point he's bound to crack and give Victoria Beckham a part in it, and how large that part is will determine how many teeth we'll smash out with our shoe if we ever have to watch it.
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Robert Downey Jr Signs For The Disappointing Third Iron Man Film

by Stuart Heritage

Robert Downey Jr knows a good thing when he sees it – like handguns, lots of Class A drugs and movies directed by Guy Ritchie.

OK OK OK, so Robert Downey Jr doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it. Probably seven out of ten times he knows a good thing when actually he sees a rubbish thing. But Robert Downey Jr does know what things will make him richer than his wildest dreams, and he chases those things like a dog.

According to reports, Robert Downey Jr has signed a contract securing him to Iron Man 3 and an Avengers movie. This is particularly good news for anyone who, while enjoying the original Iron Man, really wants to see Iron Man get overtaken by an alien, grow an evil haircut and then dancing the Twist with Kirsten Dunst while cooking some eggs. For Superhero Law states that all of the above must happen in Iron Man 3.

Robert Downey Jr knows a good thing when he sees it - like handguns, lots of Class A drugs and movies directed by Guy Ritchie. OK OK OK, so Robert Downey Jr doesn't know a good thing when he sees it. Probably seven out of ten times he knows a good thing when actually he sees a rubbish thing. But Robert Downey Jr does know what things will make him richer than his wildest dreams, and he chases those things like a dog. According to reports, Robert Downey Jr has signed a contract securing him to Iron Man 3 and an Avengers movie. This is particularly good news for anyone who, while enjoying the original Iron Man, really wants to see Iron Man get overtaken by an alien, grow an evil haircut and then dancing the Twist with Kirsten Dunst while cooking some eggs. For Superhero Law states that all of the above must happen in Iron Man 3.
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The Jonas Brothers & A Farting Dog: A Movie Match Made In, Um…

by Stuart Heritage

In generations to come, serious historians will pinpoint High School Musical 3 as the event that kickstarted the fall of mankind.

You might not think so now, but you will. Because if it wasn’t for the box office success of High School Musical 3, then there’s isn’t a chance in hell that God-bothering tweenypop virgins The Jonas Brothers would be allowed to make a movie entitled Walter The Farting Dog, about a fat dog named Walter who farts a lot.

But they are. The Jonas Brothers are making a movie called Walter The Farting Dog, based on a successful range of children’s books. We can only pray that The Jonas Brother make Walter The Farting Dog a success, because that will inevitably lead to the most perfect movie of all time – Miley Cyrus in an adaptation of Ingrid The Diarrhetic Menstruating Monkey.

In generations to come, serious historians will pinpoint High School Musical 3 as the event that kickstarted the fall of mankind. You might not think so now, but you will. Because if it wasn't for the box office success of High School Musical 3, then there's isn't a chance in hell that God-bothering tweenypop virgins The Jonas Brothers would be allowed to make a movie entitled Walter The Farting Dog, about a fat dog named Walter who farts a lot. But they are. The Jonas Brothers are making a movie called Walter The Farting Dog, based on a successful range of children's books. We can only pray that The Jonas Brother make Walter The Farting Dog a success, because that will inevitably lead to the most perfect movie of all time - Miley Cyrus in an adaptation of Ingrid The Diarrhetic Menstruating Monkey.
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Top 28 Horror Movie Villains

by David Schwartz

With Halloween just around the corner we thought we would get into the spirit. Well, come up with the worst villains in horror movie history at least.

If horror movies have taught us anything, it is that we are all sick bastards. Sorry, we mean it tells that all like to be scared out of our wits. That’s it. We take absolutely no sick pleasure from teenagers being eaten alive, cut to pieces or burnt alive – it’s all about the thrill of being frightened.

But, of course, the best horror villains don’t tend to be the ones we are afraid of. They are the ones we actually quite like. Unstoppable serial killers, frazzled up kiddie-fiddlers and maniacal dolls are just some of the anti-heroes idolised by horror fans the world over. We just can’t get enough of them, it seems.

Now if you wanted to really get scared, we suggest you make movies about global warming, nuclear holocaust or John McCain.

Anyway, enjoy.

With Halloween just around the corner we thought we would get into the spirit. Well, come up with the worst villains in horror movie history at least. If horror movies have taught us anything, it is that we are all sick bastards. Sorry, we mean it tells that all like to be scared out of our wits. That's it. We take absolutely no sick pleasure from teenagers being eaten alive, cut to pieces or burnt alive – it's all about the thrill of being frightened. But, of course, the best horror villains don't tend to be the ones we are afraid of. They are the ones we actually quite like. Unstoppable serial killers, frazzled up kiddie-fiddlers and maniacal dolls are just some of the anti-heroes idolised by horror fans the world over. We just can't get enough of them, it seems. Now if you wanted to really get scared, we suggest you make movies about global warming, nuclear holocaust or John McCain. Anyway, enjoy.
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