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Watchmen: Fox & Warner Bros Put Their Handbags Away

by Stuart Heritage

It would have been awful if Fox managed to block the release of this year’s Watchmen movie, wouldn’t it?

Because what would we have to be disappointed about then? The weather? Our jobs? The way we can’t grow a proper beard? No, Fox didn’t want to just block Watchmen – it wanted to block our right to be chronically disappointed by Watchmen, and that wasn’t on.

Luckily, though, the crisis has been averted. Fox and Warner Bros have resolved their legal squabble, and Watchmen is coming out as planned. That means our plan to slag it off before we’ve seen it remains intact! Yay!

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Lil’ Kim All Narked Off About Notorious BIG Movie

by Stuart Heritage

There’s a new new movie about Lil’ Kim out – it’s not called The Lil’ Kim Movie or anything, though. That’d be the kiss of death, surely.

No, instead the movie’s called Notorious, and it’s either about the Duran Duran song, the Alfred Hitchcock film, dead rapper Notorious BIG or the notorious Anglo-American wife murderer Dr Crippen. At a guess, we’d say it was about the dead rapper. We should research more, sorry.

Anyway, despite being a major character in the movie, Lil’ Kim is refusing to see Notorious. We think it’s probably because she’s played by Verne Troyer in blackface.

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Movie Review: The Day The Earth Stood Still

by hecklerspray staff

It says something about a movie when you come out of the cinema and realise Keanu Reeves was the best thing in it, but The Day The Earth Stood Still looks as if it may have buckled under the pressure of such a big premise.

Making Keanu play a cold, emotionless, stagnant alien is almost typecasting but the role perfectly suits Keanu’s unique brand of timbre, but unfortunately the film around him is a mess.

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Ready For Terminator 5? No? Tough

by Stuart Heritage

Terminator Salvation looks set to be one of the most talked-about movies of next year, even if much if the talk looks set to be “Oh lord, this is terrible.”

But because of all the pre-release hype surrounding Terminator Salvation, it’s almost certainly not going to be the last Terminator film. In fact, according to some reports, producers are now getting ready to rush Terminator 5 into cinemas by summer 2011.

Apparently to be set in the Middle East, Terminator 5 will revolve around the time when John Connor got a nasty scratch from some robot shrapnel and looked for treatment. It’ll be called Terminator Savlon. Sorry.

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Hugh Jackman Destroys Everything In New Wolverine Trailer

by Stuart Heritage

Give Hugh Jackman a job and he’ll do it – hosting the Oscars, starring in guffy Nicole Kidman films that everyone hates, apparently being sexy.

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Jennifer Aniston Naked, Also For The Animals (A Bit)

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s some celebrity maths: Jennifer Aniston + family movie about an adorable dog = naked Jennifer Aniston.

It’s obvious! Jennifer Aniston is promoting a film that’s primarily aimed at children, so it’s obvious she’d end up naked on the front of GQ magazine. Really, this is just like when Jodie Foster got her bum out to promote Nim’s Island or when the entire cast of that Narnia film guest-edited that issue of Fat Filthy Knockers magazine.

But, of course, Jennifer Aniston isn’t just naked in GQ for her film – it’s also to show everyone that she’s happy. Happy! She’s happy, OK? HAPPY!

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Emma Watson Wants To Get Naked Really Jolly Soon

by Stuart Heritage

When Emma Watson made her first Harry Potter movie, she was just a helpless slip of a girl. But now? Now Emma Watson is a woman, with a woman’s body.

Yes, now she’s all grown up, Emma Watson is proud woman in possession of a full set of boobs and, if we hear correctly, a properly-functioning bottom. And she’d like nothing more than to show you.

Observing Daniel Radcliffe’s critical acclaim after appearing nude in Equus, Emma Watson has decided that she’d quite like to get naked, too. But only if it’s artistic and integral to the plot. Or slapdash and gratuitous. She’s not really bothered.

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Alien 5: The Alien-Free Alien Movie?

by Stuart Heritage

It’s helpful when a film’s title describes its contents – Jaws had some jaws in it, Michael Clayton contained a man called Michael Clayton and Kindergarten Cop was famous for featuring those two exact things.

And that theory works beautifully with the Alien series. Alien had an alien in it, Aliens had more than one alien in it, Alien 3 was the third film in the franchise and Alien: Resurrection was a film about some aliens that featured a resurrection as a key plot point.

Which brings us to Alien 5. Which might be happening. Without any aliens in it. Whoops.

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Who Wants Police Academy 8? Anybody? Just You, Guttenberg?

by Stuart Heritage

The Police Academy movies were from a simpler time – a time when a man could make a noise like a toaster with his mouth and people thought it was good.

Of course, times have moved on since then – but nobody tell Steve Guttenberg. Guttenberg has decided that he’s ready to make Police Academy 8, even though that would obviously be the worst idea that any human has ever had.

Oh, and also Steve Guttenberg says he’s making another Three Men And A Baby movie, too. And Steve Guttenberg has forgotten to take his medicine. And he needs a lie down.

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Here Comes That Planet Of The Apes Prequel You Never Asked For

by Stuart Heritage

Do you find that Planet Of The Apes, its four movie sequels, movie remake, TV series, cartoon show and books haven’t left you satisfied?

Do you often get irritated because, even though you could literally drown in all the different versions of Planet Of The Apes that have been made over the years, nobody’s ever bothered to tell you what happened on the planet almost 2,000 years before the events of the original movie?

If you do, we have two pieces of advice for you – 1) hold onto your hats, because Fox is apparently very close to starting production on that exact Planet Of The Apes prequel, entitled Genesis: Apes, set 1,969 years before the original movie, and 2) stop wasting your life, you friendless nincompoop.

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