Articles tagged with: movie
Nobody Wants To Make Kevin Smith’s Stupid New Film
Kevin Smith might have inspired hundreds of indie movies about nothing with lots of pointless talking in them, but he just can't get any love. For example, the movie that Kevin Smith wants to make after his new flick Zack And Miri Make A Porno is a horror called Red State. Trouble is, Smith says no studio will touch Red State because it's bleak and dark and utterly noncommercial. A Kevin Smith film that's bleak and dark and noncommercial? Is Kevin Smith remaking Jersey Girl already? Right? Right? Because, you know, Jersey Girl was bleak, and it was dark, and, um... yeah. Would someone mind calling us a taxi, please?
Kevin Smith might have inspired hundreds of indie movies about nothing with lots of pointless talking in them, but he just can't get any love. For example, the movie that Kevin Smith wants to make after his new flick Zack And Miri Make A Porno is a horror called Red State. Trouble is, Smith says no studio will touch Red State because it's bleak and dark and utterly noncommercial. A Kevin Smith film that's bleak and dark and noncommercial? Is Kevin Smith remaking Jersey Girl already? Right? Right? Because, you know, Jersey Girl was bleak, and it was dark, and, um... yeah. Would someone mind calling us a taxi, please?
Get Hectored At By Michael Moore, For Free, Online, Now!
Hey kids, can't work out if you can be bothered to vote yet? Would a movie about a fat bloke lobbing noodles at some students help? It would? Why that's just great, because Michael Moore's new movie Slacker Uprising is now available to view for free on the internet, provided that you're American and literally have nothing better to do with your time. Slacker Uprising is, of course, Michael Moore's way of urging the young voters of America to wake up and vote in the coming general election. Well, at least that's what he says. It's clearly Michael Moore's way of urging young voters to vote Democrat, otherwise it wouldn't be called Slacker Uprising. If he wanted people to vote Republican he would've called it something else, like Hey You! Get Off My Yacht! My Father Owns This Bay, You Dirty Mexican!
Hey kids, can't work out if you can be bothered to vote yet? Would a movie about a fat bloke lobbing noodles at some students help? It would? Why that's just great, because Michael Moore's new movie Slacker Uprising is now available to view for free on the internet, provided that you're American and literally have nothing better to do with your time. Slacker Uprising is, of course, Michael Moore's way of urging the young voters of America to wake up and vote in the coming general election. Well, at least that's what he says. It's clearly Michael Moore's way of urging young voters to vote Democrat, otherwise it wouldn't be called Slacker Uprising. If he wanted people to vote Republican he would've called it something else, like Hey You! Get Off My Yacht! My Father Owns This Bay, You Dirty Mexican!
Next Harry Potter Film To 3D Itself All Over Your Face
The world is a dark place filled with war, famine, and way too much pesticide. Also it has that poisoned Chinese milk flowing all over the place like the mighty river of zebra blood that's always babblin' across the Serengeti. You see where we're going with this. And to top it all off JK Rowling & Co have delicately decided to push back the next Harry Potter movie a decade or something - despite us having already promised dozens of starving orphans front row seats at a November premiere. It makes it look like we've gone back on our word - and that's something we almost never don't do. What seems to be internetting about the globe as good news, however, is that the next Potter film is going to be jam packed with a marvelous 25 minutes of undeniable 3D. It's thought to look so good that when Harry stabs out the eye of that unicorn - everybody watching will duck. Now that's entertainment!
The world is a dark place filled with war, famine, and way too much pesticide. Also it has that poisoned Chinese milk flowing all over the place like the mighty river of zebra blood that's always babblin' across the Serengeti. You see where we're going with this. And to top it all off JK Rowling & Co have delicately decided to push back the next Harry Potter movie a decade or something - despite us having already promised dozens of starving orphans front row seats at a November premiere. It makes it look like we've gone back on our word - and that's something we almost never don't do. What seems to be internetting about the globe as good news, however, is that the next Potter film is going to be jam packed with a marvelous 25 minutes of undeniable 3D. It's thought to look so good that when Harry stabs out the eye of that unicorn - everybody watching will duck. Now that's entertainment!
Predator 3. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yes. (Maybe).
You know what there's not enough of? Films about really old men titting around in the woods with an invisible alien that looks like Whoopi Goldberg. If you happen to agree with us then you're in for a treat - movie producer John Davis has decided to revive the Predator franchise. Not just that, but he wants to bring back the biggest star of any of the Predator movies at the same time. That's right - Gary Busey. No, wait, not Gary Busey. Arnold Schwarzenegger. John Davis wants to make Predator 3, and he wants Arnold Schwarzenegger to star in it. Predator 3 is far from official, mind you, because nobody knows what Arnold Schwarzenegger's long-term political goals are. Also, we assume it'll probably be quite hard to find anyone clever enough to write a film where the universe's most advanced game hunters have trouble outwitting a rich old bloke with a funny accent.
You know what there's not enough of? Films about really old men titting around in the woods with an invisible alien that looks like Whoopi Goldberg. If you happen to agree with us then you're in for a treat - movie producer John Davis has decided to revive the Predator franchise. Not just that, but he wants to bring back the biggest star of any of the Predator movies at the same time. That's right - Gary Busey. No, wait, not Gary Busey. Arnold Schwarzenegger. John Davis wants to make Predator 3, and he wants Arnold Schwarzenegger to star in it. Predator 3 is far from official, mind you, because nobody knows what Arnold Schwarzenegger's long-term political goals are. Also, we assume it'll probably be quite hard to find anyone clever enough to write a film where the universe's most advanced game hunters have trouble outwitting a rich old bloke with a funny accent.
Nobody Wants To Pay For Spielberg’s Tintin Flick
We didn't moan when the credit crunch meant that our house got repossessed or that we had to give up food, but we never thought Tintin would be taken from us. Sadly, it looks like it has. Despite being masterminded by Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson - the directors of some of the best loved and wildly overlong films about robot children and big monkeys ever made - it's been reported that the proposed 3D animated Tintin movie has been passed over by Universal for being too expensive. We genuinely didn't see this coming - we knew the global economy was fragile at the moment, but so fragile that the world will be deprived of a movie based on the racially dubious adventures a marginally popular ginger Belgian journalist made using prohibitively costly pioneering technology? We're in worse trouble than we thought.
We didn't moan when the credit crunch meant that our house got repossessed or that we had to give up food, but we never thought Tintin would be taken from us. Sadly, it looks like it has. Despite being masterminded by Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson - the directors of some of the best loved and wildly overlong films about robot children and big monkeys ever made - it's been reported that the proposed 3D animated Tintin movie has been passed over by Universal for being too expensive. We genuinely didn't see this coming - we knew the global economy was fragile at the moment, but so fragile that the world will be deprived of a movie based on the racially dubious adventures a marginally popular ginger Belgian journalist made using prohibitively costly pioneering technology? We're in worse trouble than we thought.
Coming Soon To Cinemas: The Dark Knight, Whatever That Is
Phew, the summer movie season is over - now we can enjoy the more thoughtful awards season movies instead, like, um, The Dark Knight. You see, even though every single living organism on the face of the Earth has already been to see The Dark Knight about 17 times already, producers are scared that the Academy will forget about it come Oscar nomination time, which is why they've pencilled in another theatrical release of The Dark Knight for January. Of course, by January The Dark Knight's bloated special effects are going to look foolish up against the more intelligent, issue-led fare of awards season, which is why Christopher Nolan is currently busy re-editing the movie to make Batman look like the widower of mentally-disabled United Nations worker killed in Darfur by a missile built in Iraq but funded by the American government, who are obviously the real baddies in all of this.
Phew, the summer movie season is over - now we can enjoy the more thoughtful awards season movies instead, like, um, The Dark Knight. You see, even though every single living organism on the face of the Earth has already been to see The Dark Knight about 17 times already, producers are scared that the Academy will forget about it come Oscar nomination time, which is why they've pencilled in another theatrical release of The Dark Knight for January. Of course, by January The Dark Knight's bloated special effects are going to look foolish up against the more intelligent, issue-led fare of awards season, which is why Christopher Nolan is currently busy re-editing the movie to make Batman look like the widower of mentally-disabled United Nations worker killed in Darfur by a missile built in Iraq but funded by the American government, who are obviously the real baddies in all of this.
Doctor Who: The Movie, Now With Added Catherine Zeta Jones
Let's play a game of News Gets Worse. We'll start - David Tennant is keen to make a Doctor Who movie in the next few years. That's not terrible news - David Tennant will get to be in a film, it'll increase the international visibility of Doctor Who and it'd be a lovely gift for all the British fans who've stuck by Doctor Who through thick and thin. But now let's play News Gets Worse: outgoing Doctor Who showrunner Russell T Davies wants Catherine Zeta Jones to play the Doctor's assistant in the movie. Actually, Catherine Zeta Jones in a Doctor Who movie isn't as bad as it sounds. After all, she already has great chemistry with 900-year-old men... because she's married to Michael Douglas! And she'd never be frightened of evil creepy wrinkly aliens like Davros... because she's married to Michael Douglas! Honestly, we've got a million of these.
Let's play a game of News Gets Worse. We'll start - David Tennant is keen to make a Doctor Who movie in the next few years. That's not terrible news - David Tennant will get to be in a film, it'll increase the international visibility of Doctor Who and it'd be a lovely gift for all the British fans who've stuck by Doctor Who through thick and thin. But now let's play News Gets Worse: outgoing Doctor Who showrunner Russell T Davies wants Catherine Zeta Jones to play the Doctor's assistant in the movie. Actually, Catherine Zeta Jones in a Doctor Who movie isn't as bad as it sounds. After all, she already has great chemistry with 900-year-old men... because she's married to Michael Douglas! And she'd never be frightened of evil creepy wrinkly aliens like Davros... because she's married to Michael Douglas! Honestly, we've got a million of these.
Top 8 Movie Vampires
Why are we so fascinated by vampires? From Dracula to Buffy, it seems we just can't get enough of the bloodsuckers. But why? Do we secretly crave the idea of becoming an empty soul, devoid of human emotion, and only interested in satisfying our own wanton bloodlust through the corruption of innocents. A bit like Madonna. Or is it just because we like the idea of good lie-in. Never growing old is pretty good too. Mind you, you'd miss the sunshine. But then again, we live in England, so it's swings and roundabouts. Whatever the reason, we just can't get enough of them. How else do you explain the popularity of Dr Gillian McKeith's You Are What You Eat? Indeed, it seems anything is acceptable as long you dress it in a long, black cloak, fangs and a ghostly complexion. Maybe Hillary Clinton should try it. Oh, she already has (terrible joke, we know). Anyway, hecklerspray has decided to pick through the crud to find the best Hollywood vampires - and we don't mean the studios.
Why are we so fascinated by vampires? From Dracula to Buffy, it seems we just can't get enough of the bloodsuckers. But why? Do we secretly crave the idea of becoming an empty soul, devoid of human emotion, and only interested in satisfying our own wanton bloodlust through the corruption of innocents. A bit like Madonna. Or is it just because we like the idea of good lie-in. Never growing old is pretty good too. Mind you, you'd miss the sunshine. But then again, we live in England, so it's swings and roundabouts. Whatever the reason, we just can't get enough of them. How else do you explain the popularity of Dr Gillian McKeith's You Are What You Eat? Indeed, it seems anything is acceptable as long you dress it in a long, black cloak, fangs and a ghostly complexion. Maybe Hillary Clinton should try it. Oh, she already has (terrible joke, we know). Anyway, hecklerspray has decided to pick through the crud to find the best Hollywood vampires - and we don't mean the studios.
