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The Hobbit: Peter Jackson & New Line No Longer Be Trippin’

by Shawn Lindseth

Lava doesn’t boil – it makes way for Earth farts. Granted, it may sometimes look as if its boiling, but that’s just visual trickery provided by, as we already said, Earth farts. Air bubbles and what not.

No doubt this is the angle New Line intends to play with the new Hobbit movies that are finally moving forward. ‘Surprise! The ring’s not really destroyed, its just been resting next to a planet sized colon.’ Real juvenile New Line! We’ll not reward such nonsense with our money! Or our Mom’s money! Sure, it’s free from the government, but it’s because she’s disabled! Grow up New Line Cinema!

In more surprising news, Peter Jackson is definitely going to be attached to the film. He and New Line settled their disagreement allowing things to progress. He’s not going to direct though. He’s going to play King Kong who now conveniently has to destroy the ring the rest of the way. Seriously, it says so on page 12 in the book ‘The Real Tolkien volume III,’ which we wrote.

Which we intend to write. Maybe next week. We intend to write a Tolkien book maybe next week.

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MOVIE REVIEW: The Golden Compass

by hecklerspray staff

Anybody revelling in the recent revival of the epic fantasy flick and expecting similar repercussions with The Golden Compass will be pretty unnerved by the shoddy results on display here.

While we, at first, put down our relentless fidgeting, itching, scratching and belching to poor seating arrangement, we quickly came to realise that it wasn’t the chair causing our discomfort, it was this strange, manky moving cinematic sludge glaring before us.

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MOVIE REVIEW: The Kite Runner

by hecklerspray staff

Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat. Or to be more accurate in this day and age, they’re probably getting bird flu.

Nevertheless, it’s not only the geese that are getting fat. All over Hollywood, producers and powerful studio executives gorge themselves after another year of profit. Once more the Hollywood Scrooges have cashed in on Christmas and generally taken a big shit on Tiny Tim. If we consider the Hollywood films that have been placed under the Christmas tree this year we’ll find such shoddy gifts and returnable items as Fred Claus, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium and The Perfect Holiday.

Yet one film released this Christmas stands out as the star on top of the tree, The Kite Runner. The seventh film from the gifted Marc Forster, director of Monster’s Ball, Finding Neverland and Stranger than Fiction to name a few. The Kite Runner is a story of friendship, taking a stand and the circularity of life. It tells the tale of Afghan refugee Amir, played by Scottish born Khalid Abdalla who featured in United 93. The story comes from Khaled Hosseini’s best-selling book, with the screenplay by David Benioff who also worked with Forster on Stay. The film is a pretty accurate conversion of the book, although some information is changed and excluded as you may expect.

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MOVIE REVIEW: The Nines

by hecklerspray staff

When being asked what we were going to the cinema to see by various members of our friends and family the reply was simply “The Nines,” to which we’d be greeted by confused expressions and this exchange: “The What?” “It’s got Ryan Reynolds in it,” “Who?”

Ryan Reynolds’ career has hardly taken off and with Van Wilder, Blade Trinity and The Amityville Horror remake under his belt it’s not hard to see why. The man clearly needs a hit and with a back catalogue of romantic leads and action men personas that he flexes his shiny forehead into, it’s surprising that we’ve come out of The Nines thinking this low budget indie flick might be the thing to thrust him into superstardom.

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Jessica Simpson To Get Her Arse, Boobs & Fanny Out For Art

by Stuart Heritage

One of the best things about being a mediocre actress, singer and reality TV star with a hunger for fame that far exceeds your talent is that eventually the only option left to you is public nudity.

And that appears to be the case with Jessica Simpson. With a straight-to-DVD box office dud stinking up her CV, Jessica Simpson has decided that the only way she’s ever going to win an Oscar is if she gets naked. Somewhat surprisingly, though, Jessica Simpson thinks she can achieve this by getting naked in a film, as opposed to the more logical tactic of getting naked, crawling on her hands and knees to the home of every single member of the Academy, capitulating to every one of their humiliatingly deviant sexual whims and then paying them a million dollars each for the pleasure. We get the impression that Jessica Simpson would be more likely to get an Oscar if she did all of those things.

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Wayans Brothers To Make Police-Based Masterpiece

by Stuart Heritage

It’s no exaggeration to say that Wayans brothers have been the greatest force in western cinema of the millennium so far.

Who could forget the heartwarming moment in Little Man when, finally accepted by his emotionally-overwhelmed adopted parents, the midget dressed up as a baby tries to put his penis in his mother’s mouth? Or the effortlessly nuanced scene in White Chicks where the girl knocks a bunch of stuff over with her tits? If that’s the kind of thing you like, then have we got good news for you – the Wayans brothers are teaming up again, this time to make a spoof of cop movies. We can hardly wait to see the part of the movie when the chief orders the hapless cops, played by Shawn and Marlon Wayans, to hand over their badges, only for them to poo themselves to an assortment of comedy sound effects. Classy stuff.

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X Files Movie: Now With Confusing Cast Members

by Matthew Laidlow

Not since the invention of wi-fi, HD, Blu-Ray or some equally stupid-sounding technology have the nerds of the world been so excited.

You see, it was recently announced that cult 90s sci-fi show The X Files would be making a comeback. Unlike the comebacks of Crowded House and East 17, many people actually pricked up their ears at this news. While some cinema-goers might just want to spend 90 minutes perving over Gillian Anderson, a lot of people may be going to find out the answer to long-forgotten questions like a) How much does the Smoking Man spend on ciggies everyday, and b) Will Mulder accidentally find out that his long-lost sister is actually living next door to him?

We’re not too sure about any of that, but we know of three people who could help unravel the mysteries. Billy Connolly, Amanda Peet and Xzibit.

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Movie Review: Hitman

by hecklerspray staff

We remember our first thought upon learning that Timothy Olyphant had been cast as the bald assassin Agent 47 for the upcoming adaptation of the videogame Hitman.

“Great,” squeaked the little part of our brain that was still awake. After all, this is a man after whom J.R.R. Tolkien named those giant elephant-like beasts in Lord Of The Rings. Olyphant is one of those actors who slips in and out of roles without the narcissistic brouhaha afterwards. He is never typecast, playing goodies and baddies, but forever with an air of mystery. Could Hitman be the videogame adaptation that bucks the trend of turdiness usually associated with this specific sub-genre? (Although, to be honest, Doom was pretty great. Seriously.)

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Someone Still Cares About Borat Enough To Sue Him

by Stuart Heritage

The Borat movie came out so long ago that the only people left to logically get annoyed about it are people who share buses with year-late schoolkids who insist on shouting nothing but “Wow wow wee wah” every single effing day.

But that isn’t the case at all – there are still some unwitting stars of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan who have only just got round to suing the makers of the movie for the way they were led to appear in it. The latest Borat-suer is driving instructor Michael Psenicska, who is seeking unspecified damages from producers. It’s an important lawsuit, too, because it means that almost everyone who appeared in the Borat movie has now tried to sue – and it’ll be a clean sweep once we’ve convinced those two Jewish cockroaches from the guest house scene that they were unfairly represented.

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Brad Pitt Not In State Of Play Any More

by Stuart Heritage

When you look as much of a slow-thinking himbo as Brad Pitt, it’s much harder to convince people to let you star in intelligent, thought-provoking, Oscar-winning dramas, because people always see you as the pretty boy from Meet Joe Black.

So when Brad Pitt announced that he was going to star in a movie adaptation of State Of Play, the blisteringly well-received BBC thriller that made a star out of Bill Nighy and won a slate of awards, it looked like Brad Pitt had finally got it right – he was making a film that was serious enough for him not to be taken merely as eye candy but not so serious that its constant sermonising turned audiences away. Not that it matters now because Brad Pitt has walked away from State Of Play right before filming was supposed to start and the studio wants to sue him. But Brad Pitt will get the last laugh because he’ll still get to show off his acting chops in the movie he’s making instead – Mr Pretty’s World Of Doe-Eyed Gazing.

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