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Crash Gets Turned Into Dull, Worthy Racism-Based TV Show

by Stuart Heritage

Guess what – the movie Crash is about to get turned into a TV series.

No, not Crash the David Cronenberg movie about James Spader having it off with people inside a smashed-up car – that would be too much like fun – we mean Crash the dreary Oscar-winning movie about racism and whatnot. That’s the Crash that’s being turned into a TV series.

We know. We can’t wait either.

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The Hobbit Gets All Weird And Mexican And Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

The Hobbit will definitely be coming to cinemas, and it’ll probably have more creepy scrawny Mexican eye-hand monsters than you remembered.

That’s because Guillermo Del Toro – director of Pan’s Labyrinth and Blade II – is reportedly in talks to take on both proposed Hobbit movies when they eventually get written and made.

And Guillermo Del Toro has certainly won over the fans, too – not because of his creative vision or anything like that, mind you, but because he looks exactly like Peter Jackson in a Bo Selecta mask.

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Quantum Of Solace: Crap New Bond Title Revealed

by Stuart Heritage

The title of the new James Bond film has just been announced, and it’s so bad we think we might cry.

Quantum Of Solace. There. The new James Bond movie will be called Quantum Of Solace. That’s what the combined brainpower of an Oscar-winning writer, two veteran James Bond writers and a team of expert producers have come up with. Quantum Of Solace. Titting Quantum Of Solace. Christ.

Useless. Everyone knows that all James Bond movie titles should be based on a popular saying with the word ‘Die’ where the word ‘Live’ should be while containing at least one weak pun about vaginas, and this bugger doesn’t do any of that.

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Oliver Stone Wants To Make Bush: The Movie

by Stuart Heritage

Oliver Stone sure does love making movies about presidents. Well, presidents and ancient Greek kings. And fat singers.

But let’s concentrate on the president bit for the time being, because Oliver Stone says that he’s got a script written about George Bush, and he’s itching to get it turned into a movie before Bush stops being president.

Stone’s film is thought to hinge on some of the most difficult decisions George Bush ever had to make, primarily the seminal three-day deliberation on whether pretzels go down your food hole or your air hole. History has already taught us his findings on that matter.

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Spielberg Slices Harry Potter To Pieces?

by Stuart Heritage

Let’s say you’re a movie studio and the insanely profitable series of books you’ve been adapting for six years is coming to an end – how do you keep the money flowing?

Simple – you start charging people twice to see one story. If reports are to be believed then Warner Bros is keen on chopping the Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows movie into two separate films, possibly with Steven Spielberg directing.

Halving the last Harry Potter would make sense, because one film could focus on the battle with Voldemort and the other could deal with the part where – spoiler alert – Harry Potter jets to Venus to fight the space piranhas.

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MOVIE REVIEW: I Am Legend

by David Schwartz

Imagine a world populated only by Will Smith, his dog and a host of blood-sucking Gillian McKeith lookalikes. Oh and it’s all Emma Thompson’s fault!

That is the nightmarish vision set out in I Am Legend, directed by Francis Lawrence (Constantine). Part sci-fi horror, part art-house stroll, the film is based on Richard Matheson’s post-apocalyptic 1954 book about the last man alive on earth.

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The Hobbit: Peter Jackson & New Line No Longer Be Trippin’

by Shawn Lindseth

Lava doesn’t boil – it makes way for Earth farts. Granted, it may sometimes look as if its boiling, but that’s just visual trickery provided by, as we already said, Earth farts. Air bubbles and what not.

No doubt this is the angle New Line intends to play with the new Hobbit movies that are finally moving forward. ‘Surprise! The ring’s not really destroyed, its just been resting next to a planet sized colon.’ Real juvenile New Line! We’ll not reward such nonsense with our money! Or our Mom’s money! Sure, it’s free from the government, but it’s because she’s disabled! Grow up New Line Cinema!

In more surprising news, Peter Jackson is definitely going to be attached to the film. He and New Line settled their disagreement allowing things to progress. He’s not going to direct though. He’s going to play King Kong who now conveniently has to destroy the ring the rest of the way. Seriously, it says so on page 12 in the book ‘The Real Tolkien volume III,’ which we wrote.

Which we intend to write. Maybe next week. We intend to write a Tolkien book maybe next week.

Lava doesn't boil - it makes way for Earth farts. Granted, it may sometimes look as if its boiling, but that's just visual trickery provided by, as we already said, Earth farts. Air bubbles and what not. No doubt this is the angle New Line intends to play with the new Hobbit movies that are finally moving forward. 'Surprise! The ring's not really destroyed, its just been resting next to a planet sized colon.' Real juvenile New Line! We'll not reward such nonsense with our money! Or our Mom's money! Sure, it's free from the government, but it's because she's disabled! Grow up New Line Cinema! In more surprising news, Peter Jackson is definitely going to be attached to the film. He and New Line settled their disagreement allowing things to progress. He's not going to direct though. He's going to play King Kong who now conveniently has to destroy the ring the rest of the way. Seriously, it says so on page 12 in the book 'The Real Tolkien volume III,' which we wrote. Which we intend to write. Maybe next week. We intend to write a Tolkien book maybe next week.
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MOVIE REVIEW: The Golden Compass

by hecklerspray staff

Anybody revelling in the recent revival of the epic fantasy flick and expecting similar repercussions with The Golden Compass will be pretty unnerved by the shoddy results on display here.

While we, at first, put down our relentless fidgeting, itching, scratching and belching to poor seating arrangement, we quickly came to realise that it wasn’t the chair causing our discomfort, it was this strange, manky moving cinematic sludge glaring before us.

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MOVIE REVIEW: The Kite Runner

by hecklerspray staff

Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat. Or to be more accurate in this day and age, they’re probably getting bird flu.

Nevertheless, it’s not only the geese that are getting fat. All over Hollywood, producers and powerful studio executives gorge themselves after another year of profit. Once more the Hollywood Scrooges have cashed in on Christmas and generally taken a big shit on Tiny Tim. If we consider the Hollywood films that have been placed under the Christmas tree this year we’ll find such shoddy gifts and returnable items as Fred Claus, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium and The Perfect Holiday.

Yet one film released this Christmas stands out as the star on top of the tree, The Kite Runner. The seventh film from the gifted Marc Forster, director of Monster’s Ball, Finding Neverland and Stranger than Fiction to name a few. The Kite Runner is a story of friendship, taking a stand and the circularity of life. It tells the tale of Afghan refugee Amir, played by Scottish born Khalid Abdalla who featured in United 93. The story comes from Khaled Hosseini’s best-selling book, with the screenplay by David Benioff who also worked with Forster on Stay. The film is a pretty accurate conversion of the book, although some information is changed and excluded as you may expect.

Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat. Or to be more accurate in this day and age, they're probably getting bird flu. Nevertheless, it's not only the geese that are getting fat. All over Hollywood, producers and powerful studio executives gorge themselves after another year of profit. Once more the Hollywood Scrooges have cashed in on Christmas and generally taken a big shit on Tiny Tim. If we consider the Hollywood films that have been placed under the Christmas tree this year we'll find such shoddy gifts and returnable items as Fred Claus, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium and The Perfect Holiday. Yet one film released this Christmas stands out as the star on top of the tree, The Kite Runner. The seventh film from the gifted Marc Forster, director of Monster's Ball, Finding Neverland and Stranger than Fiction to name a few. The Kite Runner is a story of friendship, taking a stand and the circularity of life. It tells the tale of Afghan refugee Amir, played by Scottish born Khalid Abdalla who featured in United 93. The story comes from Khaled Hosseini's best-selling book, with the screenplay by David Benioff who also worked with Forster on Stay. The film is a pretty accurate conversion of the book, although some information is changed and excluded as you may expect.
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MOVIE REVIEW: The Nines

by hecklerspray staff

When being asked what we were going to the cinema to see by various members of our friends and family the reply was simply “The Nines,” to which we’d be greeted by confused expressions and this exchange: “The What?” “It’s got Ryan Reynolds in it,” “Who?”

Ryan Reynolds’ career has hardly taken off and with Van Wilder, Blade Trinity and The Amityville Horror remake under his belt it’s not hard to see why. The man clearly needs a hit and with a back catalogue of romantic leads and action men personas that he flexes his shiny forehead into, it’s surprising that we’ve come out of The Nines thinking this low budget indie flick might be the thing to thrust him into superstardom.

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