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Paul Potts: The Underwhelming Movie, Coming Soon

by Stuart Heritage

When it comes to getting a gang of dreadful personality-free cockmunches to sing on vaguely low-rent TV shows, Simon Cowell is undoubtedly a world leader.

But it’s fair to say that Simon Cowell should never ever be allowed to even think about making movies for a second. Not even for a second. He should be forced to wear high-voltage electrodes or an exploding neck collar just to stop him thinking about making movies.

We’re basing this assessment on one thing and one thing alone here – Simon Cowell is going to make a biopic based on the life of Britain’s Got Talent winner Paul Potts. Someone find us the number of a reputable exploding neck collar salesman quick.

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Some Fool Lets Tim Allen Direct A Film

by Stuart Heritage

You know where you are with Tim Allen – you’re either in a cinema full of bored children or the Sandstone Federal Correctional Institute listening to the billionth anecdote about sneaking drugs through Kalamazoo airport.

But Tim Allen has worked out that only starring in films about Santa Claus won’t win him an Oscar. Indie comedies are what’ll win him an Oscar, which is why Tim Allen has signed up to make his directorial debut with the comedy Crazy On The Outside.

Don’t worry, though, this isn’t some guffy ego-puffing vanity project, because Tim Allen isn’t even going to star in Crazy On The Outsi… what’s that? He is going to star in Crazy On The Outside? OK, well in that case it is a guffy ego-puffing vanity project. Sorry about the mix up.

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Beyonce To Make Movie About The Diet Coke Lady

by Stuart Heritage

If you had to describe Beyonce in a word, what would it be? Remember that ‘big-thighed’ doesn’t count because it’s technically two words.

We’d go with ‘multi-talented’. Which, we know, is two words as well. We haven’t thought this through. Anyway, Beyonce’s staggering versatility has just been exercised again because, following her much-hyped turn in 1960s period musical Dreamgirls, Beyonce has decided to branch out and star in 1960s period musical Cadillac Records.

They’re different, really they are. Mainly because Beyonce is a producer on Cadillac Records so she gets to make sure that nobody casts sodding Jennifer Hudson to steal all her thunder again.

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Wolverine: Now Inexplicably Starring A Bloody Black Eyed Pea

by Stuart Heritage

Those X-Men movies, they were OK – but it’s blindingly obvious that they missed one vital ingredient.

And that’s a mutant with the power to take any song you ever liked and ruin it by lazily babbling a lot of meaningless shit about tits over the top while waving a can of Pepsi Max around. But fear not – that’ll all be changed with the new Wolverine prequel movie, because Will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas has just signed up for a role.

Rumours that signing Will.i.am up for the Wolverine film is just a ploy to make people think that painting Frasier blue and casting him as a monster in X-Men 3 was a comparatively decent idea are still unconfirmed.

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Jumper Drives A Bus Through Weekend Box Office

by Stuart Heritage

Ah, Valentine’s Day weekend. What could be more romantic than dragging your girlfriend to see a hokey sci-fi movie on the off-chance that you’ll get to see Rachel Bilson in her bra.

You guessed it – Jumper is the top movie at the weekend box office.

Jumper, you’ll remember, is the film where Hayden Christensen can jump through space in an instant. We’re looking forward to when he learns to jump through time, because maybe we can convince him to undo the Star Wars prequels. And Factory Girl. And Awake. And maybe, if we’re lucky, the moment he decided to be an actor instead of a Superdrug shelf-stacker.

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Great, Here Comes Another Bloody Star Wars Film

by Stuart Heritage

We’re going to need two helpers – one to tape up George Lucas while we hold him down, and another one to force a snooker ball into his mouth.

We’re not violent people, but it looks like this might be the only way to stop George Lucas from making Star Wars movies. Three years after he promised that Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge Of The Sith would be the last Star Wars film, George Lucas has announced that an animated movie called Star Wars: The Clone Wars will be released in August.

Rubbish, we know – but at least Star Wars: The Clone Wars won’t have Ewan McGregor in it, so you won’t feel the urge to stand up, run down the aisle of the cinema and start smacking at the screens with your fists this time. Oh, who are we kidding, yes you will.

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Eminem Not Ever Starring In Grand Theft Auto: The Movie

by Stuart Heritage

Eminem’s been awfully quiet lately – so quiet that he hasn’t even guff-headedly tried to get remarried to his ex-ex-ex-wife in the last couple of months.

But maybe that’s because Eminem was quietly hatching a plan to get his name back up in lights again. Maybe Eminem was preparing to take the lead in a brand new movie based on Grand Theft Auto.

No. No he wasn’t. According to GTA producers Rockstar, Eminem was never going to star in a Grand Theft Auto movie, because a Grand Theft Auto movie was never going to be made. Good thing too – we always had Eminem down as more of an Irritating Stick kinda guy anyway.

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Arrested Development To Be Made Into Movie, God May Produce

by Shawn Lindseth

Sometimes the windows of heaven open, and gnawed pieces of cherub fall out and clutter up the ground below it. It’s because a gospel adhering T-Rex weaseled his way past the pearly gates, but sometimes still gets hungry.

It’s his nature, after all.

But sometimes when that window opens, God’s finger comes through to zap us all with something super cool. We assume the latter just happened, because an Arrested Development movie is in the works.

So says Bateman. So says Tambor.

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Ooh, It’s A Trailer For The Happening By M. Night Shyamalan!

by Stuart Heritage

Chances are if anyone asks you about films you’re looking forward to seeing in 2008, you’ll say Iron Man or The Dark Knight or even – if you’re weird – A Quantum Of Solace.

What you probably won’t say is “that M. Night Shyamalan film about the plants that make people kill themselves.” But tough shit, because here’s a trailer for that movie anyway. It’s called The Happening, it opens on Friday 13 June, and there’s no way on Earth it can be as bad as The Lady In The Water, right?

Well, let’s just hold our horses about that, shall we? The trailer for The Happening shows a bunch of people committing suicide for no reason – which just happens to be a fairly similar scenario to what we all started doing when we heard that M. Night Shyamalan was making another movie.

What evil spirit is causing all these deaths in The Happening? Well, it’s plants, obviously. The plants are doing it. Hopefully that’s not the big M. Night Shyamalan twist in The Happening, otherwise we’ve spoilt it. But, yeah, it’s the plants.

Chances are if anyone asks you about films you're looking forward to seeing in 2008, you'll say Iron Man or The Dark Knight or even - if you're weird - A Quantum Of Solace. What you probably won't say is "that M. Night Shyamalan film about the plants that make people kill themselves." But tough shit, because here's a trailer for that movie anyway. It's called The Happening, it opens on Friday 13 June, and there's no way on Earth it can be as bad as The Lady In The Water, right? Well, let's just hold our horses about that, shall we? The trailer for The Happening shows a bunch of people committing suicide for no reason - which just happens to be a fairly similar scenario to what we all started doing when we heard that M. Night Shyamalan was making another movie. What evil spirit is causing all these deaths in The Happening? Well, it's plants, obviously. The plants are doing it. Hopefully that's not the big M. Night Shyamalan twist in The Happening, otherwise we've spoilt it. But, yeah, it's the plants.
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The Wolfman Remake Now Director-Free

by C J Davies

Hecklerspray loves remakes.

Such is our affection for the genre, indeed, that we’ve been trying for several years to get our own version of Purple Rain off the ground. It’s a lot more literal than the original – in fact, the movie features no original studio recordings by Prince, and simply features a shower attachment fixed to our office sink and filmed through a purple filter, while in the background a climate expert chats about the devastating wrongness an actual shower of coloured rain would imply. On the plus side, though, the movie features no original studio recordings by Prince.

Someone who isn’t too keen on remakes, it would seem, is director Mark Romanek. Romanek – previously best known for his 2002 film One Hour Photo, in which Robin Williams stands around a pharmacy mumbling a bit before taking some snapshots of a crying man having sex – was all set to direct Universal’s upcoming ‘reimagining’ of horror classic The Wolfman.

Then he walked away.

Hecklerspray loves remakes. Such is our affection for the genre, indeed, that we've been trying for several years to get our own version of Purple Rain off the ground. It's a lot more literal than the original - in fact, the movie features no original studio recordings by Prince, and simply features a shower attachment fixed to our office sink and filmed through a purple filter, while in the background a climate expert chats about the devastating wrongness an actual shower of coloured rain would imply. On the plus side, though, the movie features no original studio recordings by Prince. Someone who isn't too keen on remakes, it would seem, is director Mark Romanek. Romanek - previously best known for his 2002 film One Hour Photo, in which Robin Williams stands around a pharmacy mumbling a bit before taking some snapshots of a crying man having sex - was all set to direct Universal's upcoming 'reimagining' of horror classic The Wolfman. Then he walked away.
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