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Top 9 Worst Movie Performances By Musicians

by David Schwartz

Why can’t musicians simply be happy with playing music? Why do they insist on this misguided notion they are not simply musicians, but rather ‘performers’, ‘artists’ or, even worse, ‘entertainers’?

What’s so wrong with being called a musician? Does it not pay the rent anymore? Do you have to get another job as an actor just to make your ends meet? Times are hard for multi-millionaire rock stars, you know. Playing a guitar nicely and singing some catchy lyrics is not a bad living, but you can’t retire on it. And, of course, what the world really wants is more shit actors.

Well hecklerspray has had enough. It’s time to name and shame the worst offenders…

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The X-Files: I Want To Believe – Rubbishy New Movie Title

by Stuart Heritage

There you have it, folks – the title of the new X-Files movie is The X-Files: I Want To Believe, possibly short for The X-Files: I Want To Believe That You’ll Watch My Stupid Movie.

No, we’re just kidding. But only about the last bit. The movie really is going to be called The X-Files: I Want To Believe. It was made official by the studio on Wednesday and now we’re all stuck with it.

Worst of all, though, The X-Files: I Want To Believe doesn’t even offer the slightest clue about what the story is about. It’s hardly Zack And Miri Make A Porno in terms of descriptive merit, is it? We’ve seen the trailer, so let’s just hope that Chris Carter sees sense, takes our advice and calls it The X-Files: Look! It’s Billy Connolly Running Around In The Snow Looking A Bit Worried! Gosh!

[More...]

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Top Seven Movie Misquotes

by David Schwartz

Why do people misquote films so much? We all do it. That is until some pedantic friend points out your mistake, and you ignore him or her anyway.

And do we why ignore them? Well, that’s because you do not want to turn into the annoying, pedantic friend who everyone ignores. It’s a vicious circle.

It must make Hollywood screen writers want to tear their hairpieces out. They probably spend hours agonising over one defining line, only for cinema-goers to totally miss the message. Well, today, just to prove we are not only here to titillate but educate, hecklerspray is your annoying pedantic friend who, um, you’ll eventually ignore.Really, we don’t know why we bother.

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Lindsay Lohan Finally Gets A Job

by Stuart Heritage

Forget what all those recruitment consultants tell you – the best way to stop being unemployed is to whap your boobies out.

Trust us, it works like a charm. Just look at Lindsay Lohan. She couldn’t get an acting job for toffee after she had all that rehab, so she decided to get her norks out in a magazine instead and – bammo – Lindsay Lohan’s scored her first post-rehab acting gig, playing Charles Manson’s sidekick in a movie by the producer of Barb Wire.

OK, so that first sentence should have read ‘ the best way to star in a film that nobody’s likely to ever watch is to whap your boobies out’ but it’s too late to change it now.

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The Vaguest X-Files Sequel Talk You’ll Ever Hear

by Stuart Heritage

The first X-Files movie left all kinds of questions unanswered – questions like ‘what’s going on?’ ‘when can I go home?’ and ‘is this what my life has really come to?’.

So it was always inevitable that an X-Files sequel would be on the cards. And it just so happens that one’s coming out in a few months. But nobody has the foggiest clue about what it’ll actually be about.

But that’s where X-Files sequel director Chris Carter and screenwriter Frank Spotnitz come in. They’ve decided to spill the beans about the X-Files sequel without actually mentioning anything that’s going to happen in it at all. Still interested? Yes? Well that’s fairly depressing.

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Scarlett Johansson Is A Cinema-Date Whore

by Paul Sorrenti

Scarlett Johansson is so sought-after that a man from the UK has actually paid $40,100 (about £20,000) to be able to accompany her to the premier of her upcoming movie, He’s Just Not That Into You.

He doesn’t even appear to have been guaranteed sex on any level – not even a tonguing – and yet has paid for the equivalent of 8,000 anal sexes with Manfa, who has been hanging round the corners of hecklerstreet for four years now.

When asked what kind of an evening she’d give a man who had paid £40,100, Manfa said she’d “willingly go blind in both eyes,” and if he still wanted to go see the movie, that “with a film title like that, blindness may be a blessing,” before adding “maybe I’d go deaf for it too.” But that’s Manfa, and she really is a dirty whore. Five dollars for sex? That’s two pound fifty; cheaper than a Zinger Tower.

Scarlett Johansson is so sought-after that a man from the UK has actually paid $40,100 (about £20,000) to be able to accompany her to the premier of her upcoming movie, He’s Just Not That Into You. He doesn’t even appear to have been guaranteed sex on any level - not even a tonguing - and yet has paid for the equivalent of 8,000 anal sexes with Manfa, who has been hanging round the corners of hecklerstreet for four years now. When asked what kind of an evening she’d give a man who had paid £40,100, Manfa said she’d “willingly go blind in both eyes,” and if he still wanted to go see the movie, that “with a film title like that, blindness may be a blessing,” before adding “maybe I’d go deaf for it too.” But that’s Manfa, and she really is a dirty whore. Five dollars for sex? That’s two pound fifty; cheaper than a Zinger Tower.
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Incredible Hulk: Edward Norton Am Angry

by Stuart Heritage

The trailer for the new Incredible Hulk movie has been released, and what it lacks in destructive abstract wads of emotion it makes up for with SMAAASH!

However, let’s not get too excited about The Incredible Hulk because reports are coming in that Incredible Hulk star Edward Norton and Incredible Hulk studio Marvel are clashing over the final edit, and things are getting so frosty that the movie’s success might be jeopardised by the feud.

We don’t know the details, but given that it’s an Incredible Hulk movie, we hope the winner is the side who wants to do away with dialogue, narrative, female characters and feelings and just have two hours of the Hulk headbutting petrol tankers into fleets of exploding helicopters. And we think we pretty much speak for everyone here.

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Jennifer Aniston & Owen Wilson: A Match Made In, Um, Somewhere

by Stuart Heritage

Christopher Walken, start running now – it turns out that Jennifer Aniston wants to jump the bones of anyone who starred in Wedding Crashers.

Not content with forging a relationship with Vince Vaughn that lasted almost the exact length of time of The Break-Up’s promotional cycle, Jennifer Aniston is now reportedly getting smoochy with Owen Wilson.

Yes, it would appear that Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson are an item. Wow, a suicidal depressive and a woman who give off all signs of not being over the distant collapse of her marriage. Those cosy nights in together must be just scintillating.

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Look – Someone’s Leaked The X-Files 2 Trailer

by C J Davies

Psst.

Psst. You. Hey! Do you like nineties sci-fi TV shows about a couple of FBI agents who should have been boning each other senseless but never got round to it because they were too busy chasing/not believing in (delete as applicable) UFOs and aliens? If so, then, boy, have we got a treat for you.

Some wag, it seems, has secretly filmed a sneak preview of the upcoming X-Files movie sequel, due for release this July. And whaddaya know – despite being a horribly low-quality clip – it’s actually enough to wipe hecklerspray’s memory of the awful last few seasons of the show. Why, there’s nary a T-1000 in sight!

What you will find, however, is Gillian Anderson digging something mysterious up in the snow, David Duchovny running around looking anxious, and a white-haired Billy Connolly pretending to be some sort of mysterious bad guy. Intriguing, you say? It is, rather, isn’t it?

Psst. Psst. You. Hey! Do you like nineties sci-fi TV shows about a couple of FBI agents who should have been boning each other senseless but never got round to it because they were too busy chasing/not believing in (delete as applicable) UFOs and aliens? If so, then, boy, have we got a treat for you. Some wag, it seems, has secretly filmed a sneak preview of the upcoming X-Files movie sequel, due for release this July. And whaddaya know - despite being a horribly low-quality clip - it's actually enough to wipe hecklerspray's memory of the awful last few seasons of the show. Why, there's nary a T-1000 in sight! What you will find, however, is Gillian Anderson digging something mysterious up in the snow, David Duchovny running around looking anxious, and a white-haired Billy Connolly pretending to be some sort of mysterious bad guy. Intriguing, you say? It is, rather, isn't it?
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Bob Marley Movie This Way Comes

by Shawn Lindseth

That Ray Charles movie brought in a lot of green. Although he may have known it’d be a money-maker, the green reference was completely lost on him.

That Bob Dylan movie got rave reviews all over the place. It had a bunch of taped-down girls pretending to be him, and critics went bananas. It’s a simple recipe really, make a film about a musical fellow and you’re sure to walk the red carpet at least once before the fall leaves fade.

Now it’s Bob Marley’s turn. He’s about to get his own sure-fire critically acclaimed biopic made, and Hollywood is abuzz with anticipation. You could be in it – if you look a lot like head lice.

We heard the script is gonna deal mostly with what it was like to live on Bob’s head. A little tiny journal was found by the guy that embalmed him, and the present script has been derived from that. It’s just what we heard.

That Ray Charles movie brought in a lot of green. Although he may have known it'd be a money-maker, the green reference was completely lost on him. That Bob Dylan movie got rave reviews all over the place. It had a bunch of taped-down girls pretending to be him, and critics went bananas. It's a simple recipe really, make a film about a musical fellow and you're sure to walk the red carpet at least once before the fall leaves fade. Now it's Bob Marley's turn. He's about to get his own sure-fire critically acclaimed biopic made, and Hollywood is abuzz with anticipation. You could be in it - if you look a lot like head lice. We heard the script is gonna deal mostly with what it was like to live on Bob's head. A little tiny journal was found by the guy that embalmed him, and the present script has been derived from that. It's just what we heard.
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