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Sienna Miller Gets Covered In Blood For GI Joe

by Stuart Heritage

A lot of fuss has been made about the upcoming GI Joe movie – the most high-profile film about a man with no testicles and swivelly eyes since whatever Orlando Bloom was in last.

However, is GI Joe actually going to be any good? Hardly, because a) it’s got Dennis Quaid in it, b) it’s got The Rock in it, c) it’s got Brendan Fraser in it, d) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, e) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, f) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, and g) it’s got Sienna Miller in it.

However, if anything’s going to give Sienna Miller the fame she’s missed since her boyfriend was caught nuts-deep in childcare worker, it’ll be GI Joe. Not because GI Joe is going to be a good movie, but because Sienna Miller gets to dress up like a sub-Beckinsdale bondage fetishist and stagger about covered in blood in it. The girl knows how to spend the rest of her swamped by stinky boys in comic book conventions, that’s for sure.

If you do want to see on-set pictures of Sienna Miller dressed as The Baroness for the new GI Joe movie, the Daily Mail has a bunch of them. Remember, though, don’t get too excited – it’s still Sienna Miller we’re talking about here.

A lot of fuss has been made about the upcoming GI Joe movie - the most high-profile film about a man with no testicles and swivelly eyes since whatever Orlando Bloom was in last. However, is GI Joe actually going to be any good? Hardly, because a) it's got Dennis Quaid in it, b) it's got The Rock in it, c) it's got Brendan Fraser in it, d) it's got Sienna Miller in it, e) it's got Sienna Miller in it, f) it's got Sienna Miller in it, and g) it's got Sienna Miller in it. However, if anything's going to give Sienna Miller the fame she's missed since her boyfriend was caught nuts-deep in childcare worker, it'll be GI Joe. Not because GI Joe is going to be a good movie, but because Sienna Miller gets to dress up like a sub-Beckinsdale bondage fetishist and stagger about covered in blood in it. The girl knows how to spend the rest of her swamped by stinky boys in comic book conventions, that's for sure. If you do want to see on-set pictures of Sienna Miller dressed as The Baroness for the new GI Joe movie, the Daily Mail has a bunch of them. Remember, though, don't get too excited - it's still Sienna Miller we're talking about here.
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Is The Hobbit Dead In The Water Already?

by David Schwartz

Apparently, not everyone is looking forward to seeing the new adaptation of Tolkien’s The Hobbit.

Well, for starters, there is a deformed bloke in a village in Peru who keeps getting rocks thrown at him and being called ‘Gollum’ who wishes they would forget the whole idea. Saying that, he still has the entire Lord of The Rings trilogy on DVD – gold edition, too.

Then there’s our housemate Steve, who is just odd. And then there is Tolkien’s 83-year-old son Christopher, who just doesn’t like people enjoying themselves.

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Michael Moore Throws Another Tantrum About Bush On Film

by Stuart Heritage

Michael Moore is getting ready to make another film about his favourite subject – no not cake, you horribly offensive fool, we mean President Bush.

According to reports, Michael Moore is preparing ground to make a sequel to his 2004 anti-George Bush documentary Fahrenheit 9/11. The new movie has a working title of Fahrenheit 9/11 1/2, although it’s expected that Michael Moore will formally change it to Fahrenheit 9/11: Nyer Nyer Nyer I Was Right All Along Let’s Hear It For Michael Moore I’m The Best I’m The Best nearer the release date.

Anyway, will this new Michael Moore documentary succeed where Fahrenheit 9/11 failed and push George Bush out of office for good? Even better than that – George Bush is going to stop being president about six months before Moore’s film is released. Hooray! Another righteous victory for Michael Moore!

Michael Moore is getting ready to make another film about his favourite subject - no not cake, you horribly offensive fool, we mean President Bush. According to reports, Michael Moore is preparing ground to make a sequel to his 2004 anti-George Bush documentary Fahrenheit 9/11. The new movie has a working title of Fahrenheit 9/11 1/2, although it's expected that Michael Moore will formally change it to Fahrenheit 9/11: Nyer Nyer Nyer I Was Right All Along Let's Hear It For Michael Moore I'm The Best I'm The Best nearer the release date. Anyway, will this new Michael Moore documentary succeed where Fahrenheit 9/11 failed and push George Bush out of office for good? Even better than that - George Bush is going to stop being president about six months before Moore's film is released. Hooray! Another righteous victory for Michael Moore!
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Fraggle Rock: The Musical – Coming Soon, Seriously

by Stuart Heritage

With the frenzied success of Speed Racer ringing in Hollywood’s ears, producers have been looking for another nostalgic TV show to adapt into a movie.

What’s that? Speed Racer wasn’t a frenzied success? Speed Racer has actually been one of the most spectacularly unmitigated disasters in recent box office years? Oh well, The Weinstein Co. wants to make a movie based on Fraggle Rock anyway.

Yes, you heard right – Fraggle Rock, the TV show that defined your childhood almost as much as wetting the bed and the emotional scars gained during your parent’s bitter divorce, is going to be turned into a movie. But not just any kind of movie – Fraggle Rock is going to become a musical, which is like a normal movie except it’s for pricks.

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Movie Review: XXY

by hecklerspray staff

It’s a tough life being a teenager.

One minute you’re a clear- skinned, sweet little bundle of naïve curiosity, the next you’ve got a face like an angry dot to dot, your parents have become inexplicably infuriating, and you want to hump everything in sight even if you’re not quite sure why.

Tough indeed, but not quite as tough as having all of those things and being a person of indeterminate gender born with both male and female sexual organs. So not only are you getting the hormonal explosion of one gender, you’re having to deal with all the problems associated with both as well as the lovely people calling you a freak and parents who don’t know what to do.

That’s the situation for Alex, anyway- the young lead of this brave Argentinian film from female director Lucia Puenzo.

It’s a tough life being a teenager. One minute you’re a clear- skinned, sweet little bundle of naïve curiosity, the next you’ve got a face like an angry dot to dot, your parents have become inexplicably infuriating, and you want to hump everything in sight even if you’re not quite sure why. Tough indeed, but not quite as tough as having all of those things and being a person of indeterminate gender born with both male and female sexual organs. So not only are you getting the hormonal explosion of one gender, you’re having to deal with all the problems associated with both as well as the lovely people calling you a freak and parents who don’t know what to do. That’s the situation for Alex, anyway- the young lead of this brave Argentinian film from female director Lucia Puenzo.
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Tom Cruise Might Somehow Make Mission: Impossible 4

by Stuart Heritage

We’re starting to think that Oprah Winfrey is some kind of mystical genie, you know.

Just look at Tom Cruise. Just the other week he was in the worst professional state of his career, then he zipped over to Oprah and – blam – there’s suddenly a lot of talk about him returning to Paramount to make Mission: Impossible 4.

If this Mission: Impossible 4 talk is true then it’s an incredible turnaround for Tom Cruise. And just in the nick of time, too – if we all cross our fingers tight enough and maybe chant a little, then the thrill of being given a second chance to make more blockbuster movies might just turn Tom Cruise back into the obnoxiously cocksure prick that we all remember from the good old days.

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Iron Man 2: The Painfully Inevitable Sequel, Coming Soon

by Stuart Heritage

So by now everyone on the face of the planet, even those who are blind or can’t afford to eat, have seen Iron Man.

With an opening weekend box office tally of $100 million, the list of records that Iron Man has broken is either stupendous or utterly, utterly dull depending on if you’re a massive spod or not. And if you are, then the news that Iron Man 2 is coming out in April 2010 will probably make your balls catch on fire.

What? You’d already guessed that based on the fact that the plot of Iron Man deliberately set up a sequel and that the entire Iron Man cast has signed on for a sequel and that Iron Man’s a comic book movie and only really hopeless comic book movies about Ben Affleck being all blind and shit don’t get turned into sequels? Oh, suit yourselves.

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Top 10 Movie Heists

by David Schwartz

In our normal humdrum lives we abhor thieves and bank robbers, but a quick glance at the list of films below tells quite a different story.

Indeed, some of the movies mentioned would not be out of place on most people’s all-time top 10 films, never mind heist films. So what is it that makes us so fascinated by them? Is it that we wish we had the balls to do it ourselves? Most of the criminals involved get some kind of comeuppance and usually we’re desperate to get out of banks rather than the other way around. So it is because they look cool while doing it?

But they are not all cool. Look at Al Pacino’s hapless bank robber in Dog Day Afternoon. So what is it? Well, we don’t know. What do you mean you want answers? We’re an entertainment site for God’s sake, not Sigmund Freud! Actually, it’s probably the guns. That and the fact there are so many of them they were bound to get a few right.

In our normal humdrum lives we abhor thieves and bank robbers, but a quick glance at the list of films below tells quite a different story. Indeed, some of the movies mentioned would not be out of place on most people's all-time top 10 films, never mind heist films. So what is it that makes us so fascinated by them? Is it that we wish we had the balls to do it ourselves? Most of the criminals involved get some kind of comeuppance and usually we're desperate to get out of banks rather than the other way around. So it is because they look cool while doing it? But they are not all cool. Look at Al Pacino's hapless bank robber in Dog Day Afternoon. So what is it? Well, we don't know. What do you mean you want answers? We're an entertainment site for God's sake, not Sigmund Freud! Actually, it's probably the guns. That and the fact there are so many of them they were bound to get a few right.
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Mariah Carey Insists On Making Another Film

by Chris Laverty

If anyone out there saw Mariah Carey’s last big movie Glitter in 2001, then you have probably not digested a good meal since.

It’s not so much that it generated bile, it’s that it kept generating bile every time someone so much as uttered Mariah’s name or she appeared on telly with her giant ass folded into a swimsuit. And now she’s making another one.

Glitter was apparently based, at least in part, on Mariah Carey’s own life story. Like the heroine in the film, she too rose to fame as a singer from a troubled background; unlike her character in the film however, 3D Mariah is still releasing records. They are mainly duds about touching her up or not going bonkers anymore, but are religiously played by radio stations everywhere that have an ‘X’ in the title.

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Tom Cruise’s Son Stars As Will Smith In Some Movie Or Other

by Stuart Heritage

Tom Cruise and Will Smith are so tight that when Will Smith wanted someone to play a younger version of himself in a movie, Tom Cruise knew just the person.

And that person is Connor Cruise, Tom Cruise’s very own son. According to reports, Connor Cruise is all set to play baby Will Smith in the upcoming drama Seven Pounds which, since it stars Will Smith, is probably about an overfamiliar man with a slightly too loud laugh saving the world with his top off somehow.

Hopefully this is just Connor Cruise’s first step in taking on the family business. If his role in Seven Pounds is a success then who know, in a few years Connor Cruise might become the biggest, most powerful movie star in the world, only to fart it away by loudly vocalising his devotion to a nutty religion that some people claim preys on the weak. It’s what his daddy would want.

Tom Cruise and Will Smith are so tight that when Will Smith wanted someone to play a younger version of himself in a movie, Tom Cruise knew just the person. And that person is Connor Cruise, Tom Cruise's very own son. According to reports, Connor Cruise is all set to play baby Will Smith in the upcoming drama Seven Pounds which, since it stars Will Smith, is probably about an overfamiliar man with a slightly too loud laugh saving the world with his top off somehow. Hopefully this is just Connor Cruise's first step in taking on the family business. If his role in Seven Pounds is a success then who know, in a few years Connor Cruise might become the biggest, most powerful movie star in the world, only to fart it away by loudly vocalising his devotion to a nutty religion that some people claim preys on the weak. It's what his daddy would want.
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