To be a pop star these days, it isn’t as easy as releasing an album, going on tour and doing the occasional interview. Once we realise that selling out arenas around the world is just another of our shattered dreams, we leech on to someone who accomplished their dream and monitor every move they like, proudly clapping every time they do something right.

Therefore, the modern singer has even more pressure mounted on their shoulders.

Lady Gaga pretty much owns the music industry at the moment. From releasing singles that even the most anti pop music fan admits to liking, injecting life back in to music videos and ensuring that live performances are memorable occasions. One strange rumour that has always dogged Lady Gaga is her supposed possession of both male and female genitals.

This tall tale hasn’t done anything to harm her success.

Instead she’s literally gearing up to the release of her second album by showing us what she really is. And she’s no vagenis, but rather, a big fat motorbike!

Whodathunkit?

Even though the Tranformers films are nothing but a pile of donkey drivel wrapped up in glistening childhood memories complete with a pretty lady for you to lust over, we can only guess that this is the inspiration for Lady Gaga’s artwork for her second album Born This Way. We’d have been more amused if she’d played on the hermaphrodite rumour and had nothing but a giant penis as the cover art, but that probably shows why we don’t get many commissions to produce record sleeves.

Because Lady Gaga can literally do anything she wants, we predict that her marketing team are already commissioning five limited edition bikes, resembling the artwork. Lucky winners can then ride around all day before some kid on the estate keys it. It’s the sort of feature that could appear on Top Gear where three middle aged men with inappropriate haircuts use IKEA flat pack style instructions to see who could construct something that bares a slight resemblance. You could even incorporate a drinking game in to the mix by predicting when death defying midget Richard Hammond says something vaguely bigoted.

Is there any sexual imagery in the artwork? Not really, clutching at straws, you could argue that Lady Gaga’s mouth is opened wide enough to give you a gobble, though with a full set of teeth on display, she’d quite likely bite your chap clean off. But because she is half machine and half robot, we assume her gob would be used to insert the petrol pump in order fill her up. Though the prudes out there will argue that Lady Gaga is encouraging people to sit on top of her and ride her senseless. Perverts.

Lady Gaga is a trend setter and she’ll continue to do so as long as she damn well pleases. If her album cover had been nothing more than her sitting on a couch looking moody with her baps hanging out whilst wearing a floral dress complete with pizza stains and smeared makeup, people would be up in arms, accusing her of losing her creative spark. The Born This Way artwork is something different, so either get over it or start a pointless campaign group to change it on Facebook.

Hopefully we’ll see other artists following copying Lady Gaga, such as Lee Ryan from Blue smashing himself in the head with a toffee hammer and Justin Bieber in a blender.

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Ever since Lindsay Lohan decided to trade alleged drug abuse for alleged lesbianism, you have to admit that she’s been a bit of a snore.

It’s not so much Lindsay Lohan getting into trouble that we miss, rather the dazzling array of misinformation thumped out by a billion sources directly after Lindsay Lohan got into any trouble. What? You missed that too? Well this must be your lucky day.

You see, it’s been reported that Lindsay Lohan was hit by a motorbike in New York this weekend – reports backed up by the fact that the hospital she went to admitted someone called Lindsay Lohan on the night the accident took place. But Lindsay Lohan’s family and publicist are denying that anything happened at all.

Welcome back Lindsay. We’ve missed you.

Rehab has certainly worked out well for Lindsay Lohan. Before her string of DUI arrests caused her to seek help, Lindsay Lohan’s life was a mess of accidental nudity and bad films and the stink of booze and cigarettes and traffic accidents. But now things are completely different for her.

Now Lindsay Lohan’s life is a mess of deliberate nudity and no films and the stink of just cigarettes. But thanks to the motorbike scrape that Lindsay Lohan reportedly got into this weekend, at least she’s still keeping up the traffic accident quota.

According to reports, Lindsay Lohan was out on the town in New York on Saturday night when a motorbike clipped her outside a nightclub on 32nd Street.

While we assume that the driver of the motorbike caught a glimpse of Lindsay’s ginger hair, sharp teeth and oddly reflective eyes and drove into her deliberately, wrongly guessing that she was an urban fox out to eat someone’s baby, we’re pleased to report that nobody was seriously injured in the crash. Unless they were. Assuming the crash even happened in the first place. Here’s where it gets confusing.

You see, the reports say that Lindsay Lohan was taken to the Beth Israel Medical Centre for treatment after the crash. Well, the reports and the employee of the Beth Israel Medical Centre who confirmed to the New York Post that someone called Lindsay Lohan had been admitted on the night of the accident.

But that doesn’t mean that the accident actually happened, does it? Not if you’re Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay Lohan’s family or Lindsay Lohan’s publicist. The New York Daily News reports:

“Dina said it was just gossip. I don’t think that anything actually happened,” Lindsay’s father, Michael Lohan, said after speaking to his ex-wife, Dina, yesterday. “I asked her and she said it didn’t happen,” said Lindsay’s publicist, Leslie Sloane. “She says she wasn’t [at the hospital].” He added, “Dina said it’s a bunch of bull doodie.”

Interesting. So did it happen or was it bull doodie? Who the hell knows, frankly. But if you were Leslie Sloane, you’d deny it too, wouldn’t you. Ever since Lindsay Lohan stopped drinking, Sloane’s had nothing to deny at all – not like the good old days where she’d pass off what could have been Lindsay’s alcohol-fuelled collapses as everything from asthma to dehydration. She probably leapt on this one as fast as she could.

In fact, we don’t know why Leslie Sloane doesn’t just start denying everything that Lindsay Lohan ever does. It’d much more fun. Remember when Lindsay Lohan had sex in a toilet? Didn’t happen. Remember when Lindsay Lohan stole that woman’s coat? Didn’t happen. Remember when Lindsay Lohan was a well-respected actress rather than a dumbly monotonous tabloid fixture? Didn’t happen.

No really, that one didn’t actually happen.