Mother - HecklerSpray

You’ll Be Thrilled To Learn That Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt’s Mum No Longer Loathe Each Other

November 10th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Are you one of these people who hates their mother-in-law? Good. You probably deserve it for picking such a lousy partner in the first place. Seriously. What were you thinking? Were you that desperate for a ride?

Anyhoo, one person who has had bother with their other-half’s mum is Angelina Jolie. It’s fair to say she’s not desperate for a shag. She could pretty much shag anyone she wanted.

Jolie hasn’t seen eye-to-eye with Brad Pitt’s mother because Brad Pitt’s mother is an overbearing weapon who likes sticking her oar in. Of course, Jolie is an opinionated, jealous lunatic, so it wasn’t ever going to be pretty.

Is Justin Bieber Anti-Semitic? No. As For His Mother? Weeeelll?.

October 27th, 2011 By Paul Pencott

The thing that really perplexes almost anyone in possession of eyes, ears, a brain and puberty regarding the ?phenomenon? of Justin Bieber is actually what all the fuss is about in the first place. He possesses all the interest and faint repellence of a glass of tepid piss with a mop-top.

But wait! The ugly/interesting rumour of racism/anti-semitism rears its intriguing head! Thank God! (The Christian God, obviously.) It'll be like Mel Gibson?s ?sugar-tits? thing all over again, launching Justin into a fascinating world of well-regarded glove-puppet-orientated indie films!

Oh. It wasn?t even him. It was his mum. Making him even lamer than previously imagined. You're in it deep if – for all your bland, inoffensive marionette dancing, girlish singing, foolish hairstyles and overall disposability – your mother is more exciting than you are.

Jennifer Aniston: “Give Me Babies! BABIES!”

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You hear that deafening crash every couple of seconds? Yeah, ignore it, it’s just Jennifer Aniston’s biological clock going off.

You see, Jennifer Aniston has told EW that although all the speculation over her supposed pregnancy turned out to be completely false, she’s still ‘longing’ to experience motherhood because motherhood is ‘definitely in her future’.

So if we were John Mayer, we’d think about getting our bloody act together. Keep her waiting for a baby much longer and it seems likely that Jennifer Aniston will start nicking kids out of pushchairs in shopping centres, and he won’t want that on his conscience.

Heidi Montag’s Ma Goes Batpoo About Spencer Pratt Wedding

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

And now a public service announcement: Kids, if you’re thinking about getting married, remember to always invite your mother.

But don’t invite your mother to your wedding just because the eternal bond of love you share makes you want her to share the happiest day of your life. Do it because if you don’t she’ll publicly will your marriage to fail and suggest that you only got married in the first place because your husband drugged you.

Because that’s what Heidi Montag‘s mother did after Heidi married Spencer Pratt. Lady, there’s a seat warm at hecklerspray whenever you want it.

Nicole Kidman Kind Of Likes Being A Mother, Mostly

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Nicole Kidman isn’t a traditional Hollywood star – for instance, rather than make one film that everyone loves, she’ll make ten films that everyone hates.

And this fierce sense of anti-establishment also includes the way she raises her daughter. When most moviestars have children, for example, they’ll sell pictures of the baby to a magazine for millions of dollars. But not that’s not how Nicole Kidman rolls.

Similarly when most moviestars have children, they’ll give interviews about how great it feels to be a mother and how wonderful their child is. But, again, Nicole Kidman doesn’t roll that way – which is why in her first big interview since the birth of her child, Nicole Kidman didn’t seem to do much except for shriek about how she doesn’t want to die and how she can’t stop crying. Attagirl, Nicole.

Kerry Katona Slags Off Angelina Jolie, Renders Satire Obsolete

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Kerry Katona’s shambolic, slurring appearance on This Morning yesterday was car-crash TV at its finest – a moment we thought couldn’t be topped.

But there’s a chance we were wrong. Because on the exact same day that World’s Worst Mum 2007 Kerry Katona decided to go on a daytime TV show and babble a string of passive-aggressive drunk-seeming non-words at a startled fat lady and a pixie, a magazine published an interview where Kerry Katona criticises the parenting skills of Angelina Jolie.

What made Kerry Katona angry was the fact that Angelina Jolie recently bought her six-year-old son a knife. Obviously that’s something that Kerry Katona would never do. True, that’s because Kerry Katona is so busy being followed around by MTV camera crews, looking hammered and wailing “AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEH!” at nobody in particular that she probably doesn’t know where her kids are, let alone a knife shop. But that counts.

Brace Yourself, World: Paris Hilton Wants Babies

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The Simple Life all but proved that Paris Hilton will be a bad mother – she can’t even photocopy, so what’s stopping her from dropping a baby down the toilet?

However, little things like common sense and concern for the future of humanity don’t matter to Paris Hilton, which is why she’s told People that she’s desperate to have children.

Don’t be too alarmed by Paris Hilton’s claims, though – if she does have a baby it’ll be an interesting genetic experiment – in four short generations the Hilton family has gone from billionaire hotel chain founder to Paris Hilton, so if our charts are right the fifth generation will mostly resemble the mutant teleported dog from the beginning of The Fly 2.

Some Book: John Lennon Lusted After Bandmates And His Own Mother

March 25th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

Good news everybody. John Lennon wasn’t gay, and he never once longed for a fleshy-fencing match with Paul McCartney, if you catch our meaning.

This is new information recently come to light due to some guy’s brand new money-grubbing book. Well, actually the reverse information came out in his book, meaning of course that tucked away in one of his chapters is a little segment where Lennon wanted to fertilise all of Paul’s lady-eggs in the worst way.

Since the book came out someone asked Paul point blank if it was true – and he said aside from a little light necking, John had never, ever expressed any such desires.

Or something like that anyway. We’re actually not sure if that ‘necking’ part was really in McCartney’s answer or not.

Naomi Campbell Wants Babies! Now! Or Else She’ll Beat You Up!

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Bad news, all unfertilised sperm – the chances of you splattering into one of Naomi Campbell’s ovums has just increased exponentially.

That’s because Naomi Campbell has just recovered from an operation on her baby-making parts that’s allowed her to have children for the first time in her life. And, by God, does Naomi Campbell ever want children – she’s all over the press at the moment basically telling the world that she wants someone to knock her up.

And when Naomi Campbell tell you she wants to get pregnant, you’d better make sure you get her pregnant quicksmart, or else there’ll be trouble. And no looking her in the eye during it. And she’d better not feel it going in, otherwise you’ll be picking shards of Nokia out of your face for the next six months. Understand?

Inside New Britney Spears Book: Just Some Stuff About Her Mum

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

On the basis that wearing a nice dress and not crying is the best sign of mental recovery, Britney Spears is clearly back to her best.

So there’s obviously no better time to publish a book about Britney Spears; primarily her struggle with mental illness and her amazing revival. Admittedly it’s still early days – Britney could have a relapse tomorrow and start throwing animals off motorway bridges, rendering the whole book obsolete – but there’s nothing like striking while the iron’s hot, is there?

That’s what Britney Spears’ mother Lynne Spears thinks, because her Britney Spears book Through The Storm comes out next week. Copies have already leaked, and it seems it’s more about what a brave and inspiring mother Lynne is than anything else. Which is true – Lynne Spears has bravely inspired us never to have kids in case we end up raising them as terribly as she’s done with hers.