We’re not being cruel here, we’re just stating a fact. People magazine has named its most beautiful people of the year and Kate Hudson has won. You weren’t even in the top ten, you massive uggo.

Don’t get sad, it’s the truth. And you can’t dispute that a massive magazine like People doesn’t know what it’s talking about, because look at the runners-up who came after Kate Hudson – Mary J Blige, Bruce Willis‘ daughter, a woman we’ve never heard of whose name is Beard, the ginger woman who got her minge out in Short Cuts. That’s beauty you just can’t argue with, girls.

In the past people have said that the secret of beauty is a sense of inner calm or clear skin or a complex million-to-one genetic fluke that happens to fit society’s faddishly ephemeral ideals at any given time, but all these people are idiots.

Because People magazine has spoken, and it seems that the real secret of beauty is making a lot of rubbish romantic comedies that are all basically identical and about as funny as spinal injuries. It’s true – last year People magazine named Drew Barrymore as its most beautiful person and this year it’s picked Kate Hudson, who’s basically just Drew Barrymore with slightly curlier hair.

Although there’s no doubting Kate Hudson’s beauty – she is, remember, so beautiful that Owen Wilson tried to kill himself when they split up – it seems like an odd choice to us. After all, Kate Hudson only came 54th in the recent FHM sexiest woman in the world poll, and you can’t tell us that horny 14-year-old boys judge beauty differently to 37-year-old women. That’s just frankly ludicrous.

Anyway, as ever, the best part of People’s most beautiful list is reading what each beautiful person has to say about when they feel at their most beautiful. And this is what Kate Hudson said:

“I feel at my most beautiful when I see myself on the cover of a magazine and I’ve clearly been airbrushed. I mean really airbrushed. I love it when they airbrush the shit out of my face until I barely even look human any more, because that way I know I’ve made millions of women around the world feel ugly and insecure. And we all know that nobody’s more receptive to cosmetic adverts than ugly insecure women, right girls?”

Ah, not really. Instead, Kate Hudson actually said this:

“I don’t even remember the last time I got a manicure. I even got to the point where I started waxing my own legs because I don’t have the time. I’d rather be home with Ryder sitting there waxing my legs. I haven’t gotten a facial in a million years. I don’t do those kinds of things. And when I do, I always think, ‘I should do this more often’.”

So that’s that. But don’t worry if you think that, by parading Kate Hudson round and giving her a title based on a notion that every person finds individually subjective, People magazine is setting dangerously unobtainable standards for millions of young girls who’ll potentially develop eating disorders in a fruitless quest to appear on the most beautiful list in the future.

Because Vanessa Hudgens is also on the list, so the message is that girls can just as easily make the list if they get their vaginas out on the internet instead.

Read more:

Kate Hudson Is PEOPLE’s Most Beautiful Cover Girl – People

You want Katherine Heigl to be your girlfriend because an AskMen.com survey has declared that Katherine Heigl is the most desirable woman on the planet and, as a man, it's the law to want her all to yourself.

And, you know, even if you're not a man you probably want Katherine Heigl to be your girlfriend as well. We're open-minded people, so we understand if you girls want a piece of Katherine Heigl too. Our only request is, if that should ever happen, that you film it and send us a copy. For research purposes. There's nothing funny about it.

The annual AskMen Most Desirable Woman survey has turned into quite the cultural barometer of what qualities men look for when they're choosing a girlfriend. For example, in the year 2150 our ancestors will look back to 2006, see that Jessica Alba was the most desirable women and understand that tight little stomachs, non-specific dimness and a refusal to ever get naked was what men looked for in a woman. And they'll see that in 2007 Beyonce was the most desirable woman, signifying that back then men liked their women with wiggly bums and smashed-up faces.

But what about 2008? What is it than men like now? Well, according to the results of this year's AskMen survey, men like really outspoken women who chainsmoke and actually seem like they'd be quite annoying if you ever met them. Because this year the winner of the AskMen Most Desirable Woman survey is Katherine Heigl, the woman who was in Knocked Up and then slagged Knocked Up off and helped fan the flames of that whole Isaiah Washington homophobia kerfuffle last year. According to Reuters:

Superlatives keep piling up for actress Katherine Heigl who on Thursday was named the "most desirable woman of 2008" by lifestyle Web site, AskMen.com. The site, which boasts seven million readers a month, said it polls users annually for a list of 99 women who best embody the qualities of an ideal girlfriend or wife, as judged by intelligence, humor, charisma and ambition among attributes. "This year's list really goes to show who (our users) relate with and find beautiful, charming and personable," said AskMen.com's editor-in-chief, James Bassil.

Remember, readers weren't voting for the sexiest woman, or the most beautiful. They were voting for their ideal girlfriend. So, on that basis we can guess that Katherine Heigl doesn't keep yipping on when you're trying to watch TV, or take two identical dresses into a clothes store changing room and then ask you which one you prefer, and also thinks it's actually quite cool when you pile rubbish in a mound on top of the bin instead of just change the bin bag.

And, if that's all true then Katherine Heigl is certainly the best girlfriend in the world.

The runners up in the AskMen Most Ideal Woman survey were Alessandra Ambrosio, Kate Beckinsdale, Eva Mendes, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel, Rihanna, Marisa Miller and Adriana Lima. So obviously if Katherine Heigl is out of your league, there's always Adriana Lima.

Read more:

Katherine Heigl Named "Most Desirable Woman" - Reuters