Cooked or Booked?

Folded

• “And the award for ‘best’ constructed reality television show goes to…” – BAFTA baffle us with new award.
• Gotham City Imposters - It’s coming in January and it’s probably going to be really, really good.
• Paul Weller thinks that the Stone Roses reformed for money. Ouch.
• Morgan Freeman - Sure, he’s been in some right duds but that doesn’t make him any less great.
• Gary Barlow – For having a conscience about that poor little coke-addled lad.

Creased

• Syco – For not.
• The Murdochs – Just a reminder.
• I’m A Celebrity…! – No you fucking well are not.
• The Keith Lemon Movie – God, no. Please. Anything but that. OH GODDDDDDDD!
• Twitter commentaries of things that are actually taking place on twitter. If people actually gave a fuck, they’d be watching it unfold themselves.

Apple geeks around the world were united in grief last week when Apple announced that Steve Jobs had suffered a fatal 404 error and couldn’t be restarted. Whilst a replacement for Steve Jobs had already been secured so Apple can dominate the market with sleek and flashy products that’ll require a replacement six months later, we don’t care about that.

It’s all about tie-in movie deals that are coming soon thanks to Sony snapping up the rights.

Total Film published a list of actors who they thought could play the billionaire tech lord throughout his reign at the helm of Appple. After Justin Timberlake successfully played Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and won countless awards due to his uncanny resemblance to everyone’s favorite social network poster boy, we figured we’d think about those who should really play Jobsy.

A biopic of Steve Jobs is screaming out for high profile actors to play him in multiple life stages. But surely they’d all be busy on other projects and unable to make the movie set. Bearing that in mind, these are the people we’d cast, surely securing us an Oscar.

Michael Stipe

Some word argue that Michael Stipe made a career out of penning feelgood indie hit with Muppets. But in actual fact, he resembles a decaying onion who panics when the sun shines for too long and when a gust a wind threatens to blow off a layer of his skin. This is the real reason why REM broke up. Basically, they look EXACTLY THE SAME.

Michael Jackson

Following a semi-successful music career, coming second to his sibling Latoya, Michael took a turn for the worst following the day Pepsi set him on fire. If there’s a bigger reason not to get hooked on drugs, the image of a once proud man was reverted to that of someone who needed his nose stapled to his face on a daily basis. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Mr Burns

Steve Jobs came over as a kind and caring boss who’d personally hug all his employees when they clocked off at the shift. But behind closed doors, we imagine he’d threaten to kill staff members partners if they didn’t churn out the blueprints for a brand new iToaster that contained 400GB of memory and was so small that you could only fit specially baked Apple bread inside. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME. (Also, Jobs could come back as iMogul in the same way Burnsy became a cyborg looking for Bo Bo).

C3PO

Perhaps one for the biopic’s closing credits as we take a look in to what the future of Steve Jobs had in store. Due to Apple physically being unable to make a thinner or faster product, Jobs took it upon himself to become the first iHuman. Proving he can wear more than a black turtle-neck jumper and dodgy jeans, it’s time for Jobs to camp it up with a space age gold suit equipped with gadgets we can’t comprehend. He’s just trying to seduce R2D2 who looks like an Apple product anyway. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Danny Dyer

When not talking about cutting up ex-girlfriends faces in magazines or meeting the world’s deadliest men, he’ll take any film work going. Usually, playing a comedy gangster, it seems about time for Danny to take on a serious role. Essentially, our cockney friend can’t lose as he’ll crack the American market and gain future roles in films such as American Pie 743: Urgh Is That What It Really Looks Like? BASICALLY, THEY…ER, NEVER MIND.

Jet Li

Watching Steve Jobs slowly wilt away was an awful thing to witness. Especially when he could have gone to the App store and downloaded a guide on combating fatal illnesses. In the film’s flashback scene which sees Jobs fully functioning, people deserve to see a man who could dispose of a gang of Microsoft ninjas who’d attempt to invade the Apple offices and steal secrets about product that make the average Apple customer even smugger. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Mr Moneybags

Penetrated the African market? Excellent, go collect a trillion dollars of pure profit from vastly overpriced products that do the same as every other computer on the market. But because Apple release white and shiny items, consumers become part of a strange cult who whoop and cheer whenever a new software download comes out. Steve Jobs must have spent time masturbating over piles of cash in his office. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Morgan Freeman

Steve Jobs was considered cool, a rarity really as anyone who works with computers and technology is deemed to be a friendless nerd who gets aroused by a sexy line of binary code. It’s fact that Morgan Freeman is the ultimate image of cool and everyone wants to be him. He’d get the narration job on this movie without having to turn up to auditions. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

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For a man contractually obliged to play God at least once every 18 months, Morgan Freeman has got crap luck.

Like last year, for instance. Morgan Freeman crashed his car, almost died, and his wife left him because of his female passenger. Some said that was unlucky. But now Morgan Freeman is being sued by the female passenger because everyone wrongly thinks she was his lover. That’s unlucky.

Incidentally, we’re also in for a payout, because we weren’t Morgan Freeman’s lover either. Well, apart from that time we Rohypnolled his drink. OK, so we’re not in for a payout. Happy now?

If we were female again, we’re pretty sure that we’d find Morgan Freeman the height of sexual attractiveness. It’s just the details of Morgan Freeman that’d be drove us crazy – those deep-set crags in his face, the way he doesn’t seem embarrassed to be a 71-year-old man who still wears an earring, his tendency to keep drifting off into long, folksy voiceover narrations about an unrealistically idyllic past every time there’s a lull in the conversation.

Yes, without question, we’d hump Morgan Freeman until his brittle bones disintegrated. But once person who apparently wouldn’t hump Morgan Freeman is Demaris Meyer, which is ironic, since she’s just about the only person on the face of the planet who anyone assumed was humping Morgan Freeman.

It all goes back to Morgan Freeman’s life-threatening car crash last summer. You’ll remember that Morgan flipped his Nissan in Mississippi on the way home from dinner in an incident that ended his marriage because his female passenger wasn’t his wife.

In fact that woman was Demaris Meyer. Not only did she suffer a broken wrist in the accident – plus enough memory less to stop her working – but she’s had to put up with being on the receiving end of various new nicknames since the accident. Nicknames like Driving Miss Daisy, Jiving Miss Daisy, Jizzing Inside Miss Daisy, Bumming Like Crazy and Awful Whorebag. We may have made all of these up, by the way, and none of them are true.

Anyway, because of these injuries and these utterly unfounded nicknames, Demaris Meyer has decided to sue Morgan Freeman, as People reports:

On Wednesday, Demaris Meyer, 48, came forward to both announce a federal lawsuit against the Oscar-winning actor seeking money to pay for injuries and to clarify her relationship with him. “I am not ‘Miss Daisy’ as I have been referred to in the press,” Meyer tearfully told a news conference. “I was not and never have been his mistress, nor was I the cause of his marital breakup.”

Good to know that the memory loss hasn’t stopped Demaris from remembering that she definitely hasn’t had sex with Morgan Freeman. But, then again, no amount of amnesia in the world could make you forget something as momentous as that.

In fact, let’s hope that Morgan Freeman does the sensible thing here and makes sure that he’s never sued by people who weren’t his mistress again by literally having sex with every single person on the face of the planet. We’ll be waiting, Morgan – we’ll be the ones crying and biting down on a plank of wood with our trousers round our ankles.

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Morgan Freeman has had a long and varied career – one minute he can be a dignified black man and the next a dignified black God-figure.

Because of this, Morgan Freeman has become so loved that the American government have decided to step in and honour him at this year’s Kennedy Centre Awards, along with big names such as Barbara Streisand, choreographer Twyla Tharp, a country singer and the members of The Who who haven’t died yet.

Why has Morgan Freeman been chosen for a Kennedy Centre award? Two reasons, really. Firstly Morgan Freeman has left an indelible mark on cinema and has directly influenced American culture. Secondly, by getting caught in a car with a woman that wasn’t his wife, Morgan Freeman has helped invoke the spirit of John F Kennedy better than any other entertainer on the planet.

There is no way that words can possibly do justice to the Kennedy Centre Awards. Since it takes place in Washington before scores of high-ranking politicians, recognition by the Kennedy Centre Awards marks the point in any entertainer’s career when they realise that the hungry rebel inside them has withered and died and been replaced by a podgy establishment figure who’d like nothing more than to jig about for the president whenever they’re told.

More than that, though, the Kennedy Centre Awards provide a chance for the recipients sit and watch while Jessica Simpson murders their best work in front of them and then starts crying as a sort of clever meta-commentary on the ephemeral nature of fame. Truly, it’s very touching.

Anyway, this year’s Kennedy Centre Award winners have just been announced, and they’re certainly a doozy. Rewarded for their contribution to American culture, the winners are:

Morgan Freeman - elderly actor and bad driver. Contribution to American culture – easing white guilt by consistently playing the role of Non-Confrontational Wise Black Man in every film he’s ever made.

Barbara Streisand – singer, actress, world’s oldest Terrahawk. Contribution to American culture – overcharging wildly for concert tickets, the mistaken belief that you’re better than you actually are, providing a brief shelter for Elliot Gould‘s otherwise lonely penis.

Twyla Tharp – Dancer and choreographer who’s name sounds like someone saying “Try the Saab” with a mouthful of socks. Contribution to American culture – invented dancing.

The Who – Literally half-dead British rock band. Contribution to American culture – you know at the beginning of CSI: Miami where David Caruso takes off his sunglasses and delivers a godawful pun based on the crime he’s investigating and then the theme-tune starts and a man goes “YAAAAAAAAAAAeahh!” like he’s just trod on some Lego barefoot? Yeah, that.

George Jones - Unremarkable country singer. Contribution to American culture – Frank Sinatra once said he had “The second best voice in America.” Sadly, at the time he thought the best voice in America belonged to Janine Melnitz, the receptionist in the Ghostbusters films. It was the 1990s, he didn’t know what he was doing.

Well deserved, one and all.

Morgan Freeman has been struck by the evil curse of The Dark Knight yet again.

So we may have been a little sceptical about the whole ‘curse’ thing ever since the term started getting bandied around, but on this evidence it’s hard not to think that maybe, just maybe there are nefarious forces at work. Just days after having a serious car accident, Morgan Freeman and his wife of 24 years are to get a divorce.

According to a friend of Freeman, the divorce had been in the works for a while before the accident even occurred – so don’t go accusing Morgan of having a relationship with Demaris Meyer, the passenger in his car during the accident, that was anything beyond platonic friendship.

We thought about it – purely for comedy effect, of course – but libel is too big a word.

No, this is something that has been around for quite a while in the world of Morgan Freeman and his soon-to-be-ex wife Myrna Colley-Lee, who have been separated since December of 2007. So fortunately it does look like it may well be the work of our old friend coincindence and circumstance – or ‘real life’ as it’s sometimes called – and not the frankly ridiculous notion of a curse on a film Morgan starred in.

While he may have known it was coming for a while, it still can’t be good for the old man, who was hospitalised with a broken arm, a broken elbow and neck injuries, and had to undergo an operation to make sure things healed up properly. Sitting, recouperating in hospital and seeing the news splashed all over can’t be a good feeling – so hey, Morgan, if you’re reading – we’ll try and cheer you up!

Isn’t it strange how utterly awful the film Evan Almighty was?

No, that’s not going to work…

Hey – the narration on March of the Penguins was utter balls compared to David Attenborough‘s!

Ah, he wouldn’t like that either…

Ah, screw it. Hecklerspray isn’t the greatest medicine for aching bones, we can admit that much.

But it’s not all bad for Morgan Freeman – as his friend and business partner Bill Luckett told the press:

“The doctors have said it will be six months to a year before he plays golf again.”

So… hmm… at least that means he won’t have to play golf again for a while. That could be considered a good thing, if you don’t like golf. What do you mean Luckett said more?

“He hates that.”

Ah.

So you’ve starred in one of the biggest movies of all time, but have seen a co-worker die, another arrested for allegedly threatening his family then you yourself have been in a serious car accident requiring surgery, and it’s become public knowledge that you’re getting a divorce.

At least… people like your freckles? Sorry Morgan, we just can’t do this cheering you up thing – it’s too hard.

The Dark Knight has only ruddy well gone and done it again.

No, not struck down another member of the cast or crew with the ‘curse’, which is apparently floating around these days. The film has gone and broken the record for the fastest $400 million in box office history, making the money in a frankly ridiculous 18 days.

Imagine making four hundred million dollars in 18 days. How many tricks you’d have to pull to draw in that amount… it’s hard to take in. Though it would also be hard to take in if you pulled $400 million-worth of tricks, let’s be honest here.

But at least it shows that maybe, just maybe, Christopher Nolan‘s film is living up to its reputation, even with the extra bits of accidental hype popping up here and there.

The previous record time in which the fabled $400 million mark was crossed – as you should all know too well – was a pathetic 43 days by Shrek 2. More than four hundred million for doing a crap Scottish accent? Ruddy hell.

But in less than half the time it took for a CG ogre voiced by an irritating comedy hack to reach the milestone – just over two weeks – The Dark Knight has taken its place in box office history, climbing up the highest US earners top 10 as fast as it’s cast can make headlines through their exploits, incidents and accidents.

Surely this means Hollywood will adopt the same technique for every new major movie release, pushing their leading stars into compromising positions for the sake of a few extra headlines. It worked very well here, and the world of film is surely cynical enough to see it as a viable strategy to affect the home lives of its stars.

Unless we’re being unnecessarily harsh here. Which we aren’t.

If the movie fatcats aren’t quite that cynical, they’ll probably just adopt a new film-making strategy to rake in the speedy $400 million. Said strategy will probably involve making every single big budget summer movie the most depressing, dark and downright unsettling thing known to man, while at the same time putting a welsh bloke in a weird costume and making him speak in a frankly ridiculous manner when wearing said costume.

It’s a definite recipe for success, if you simply follow the trail of facts staring you in the face.

We do have one real hope from all of this though, and that is to see The Dark Knight overtake Titanic as the highest grossing movie of all time. Meaning whenever we hear about the film that brought home the most clams we won’t have to be reminded of the time James Cameron went mad and made one of the worst films ever. Starring a sprout.

Unfortunately, it’s not a DVD outtake for Driving Miss Daisy – that would be much easier to make light of.

No – Morgan Freeman is the latest to be involved in the so-called ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight, after he was involved in a car accident on Sunday night, which officials referred to as ‘serious’.

The 71-year-old actor will require surgery on a shattered elbow, as well as time for other less serious injuries to his neck and shoulder to heal. While initial reports said Freeman was in a serious state, these have since rescinded and he is expected to make a comfortable, if slow, recovery from his injuries.

Morgan was travelling with an unnamed female companion when the crash occurred. Travelling eastbound on Highway 32, Tallahatchie Country, Mississippi, their car flipped several times before coming to rest. The name of the female passenger has not been released, but she is said to have suffered bruises as a result of the crash. The jaws of life were used to good effect and Freeman was airlifted around 90 miles for hospital treatment. He was upgraded from critical to serious condition, and more recent reports have left the actor with an even more positive prognosis.

Fortunately, both drugs and alcohol have been ruled out of the running for what caused the accident, meaning we don’t have to put up with another was-he wasn’t-he situation like young Shiny the Beef has had to contend with in recent weeks. Nor do we have to put up with possible insanity, like we did all those years back with Melvin. Obviously the wily old veteran that is Morgan Freeman would never be brash enough to take part in such an obviously stupid pursuit as driving under the influence.

Those young whippersnappers could learn a thing or three from God Himself.

But it would seem that the lord almighty can’t save himself from the ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight, which wild speculators (hello!) are claiming is the cause of Heath Ledger‘s death and Christian Bale‘s descent into alleged assault.

Now, let’s be honest here – Ledger’s death was a sad thing, unexpected and unwarranted. Bale’s case may have been his own fault, he may have been coaxed into it. Freeman’s crash is believed to have been as a result of falling asleep at the wheel, swerving and overcompensating. If this is a real curse then it’s a bit rubbish – none of your plagues on the family, eight arms on the first-born or evil gremlins turning up and wrecking your place up.

No, it’s an accidental overdose, some alleged shenanigans and an old man falling asleep at the wheel. These curse-makers really should go back to the drawing board and think up some new cursey goodness – or just stick with the classics. Doesn’t the bible have some good ones? Morgan Freeman should know about that, he is God after all.

Hecklerspray is sending you more get well beams through the internets, Morgan. Also some extra beams to help make sure the rubbish ‘curse’ doesn’t strike again. We have these kind of powers, you see.