For a man contractually obliged to play God at least once every 18 months, Morgan Freeman has got crap luck.

Like last year, for instance. Morgan Freeman crashed his car, almost died, and his wife left him because of his female passenger. Some said that was unlucky. But now Morgan Freeman is being sued by the female passenger because everyone wrongly thinks she was his lover. That’s unlucky.

Incidentally, we’re also in for a payout, because we weren’t Morgan Freeman’s lover either. Well, apart from that time we Rohypnolled his drink. OK, so we’re not in for a payout. Happy now?

If we were female again, we’re pretty sure that we’d find Morgan Freeman the height of sexual attractiveness. It’s just the details of Morgan Freeman that’d be drove us crazy – those deep-set crags in his face, the way he doesn’t seem embarrassed to be a 71-year-old man who still wears an earring, his tendency to keep drifting off into long, folksy voiceover narrations about an unrealistically idyllic past every time there’s a lull in the conversation.

Yes, without question, we’d hump Morgan Freeman until his brittle bones disintegrated. But once person who apparently wouldn’t hump Morgan Freeman is Demaris Meyer, which is ironic, since she’s just about the only person on the face of the planet who anyone assumed was humping Morgan Freeman.

It all goes back to Morgan Freeman’s life-threatening car crash last summer. You’ll remember that Morgan flipped his Nissan in Mississippi on the way home from dinner in an incident that ended his marriage because his female passenger wasn’t his wife.

In fact that woman was Demaris Meyer. Not only did she suffer a broken wrist in the accident – plus enough memory less to stop her working – but she’s had to put up with being on the receiving end of various new nicknames since the accident. Nicknames like Driving Miss Daisy, Jiving Miss Daisy, Jizzing Inside Miss Daisy, Bumming Like Crazy and Awful Whorebag. We may have made all of these up, by the way, and none of them are true.

Anyway, because of these injuries and these utterly unfounded nicknames, Demaris Meyer has decided to sue Morgan Freeman, as People reports:

On Wednesday, Demaris Meyer, 48, came forward to both announce a federal lawsuit against the Oscar-winning actor seeking money to pay for injuries and to clarify her relationship with him. “I am not ‘Miss Daisy’ as I have been referred to in the press,” Meyer tearfully told a news conference. “I was not and never have been his mistress, nor was I the cause of his marital breakup.”

Good to know that the memory loss hasn’t stopped Demaris from remembering that she definitely hasn’t had sex with Morgan Freeman. But, then again, no amount of amnesia in the world could make you forget something as momentous as that.

In fact, let’s hope that Morgan Freeman does the sensible thing here and makes sure that he’s never sued by people who weren’t his mistress again by literally having sex with every single person on the face of the planet. We’ll be waiting, Morgan – we’ll be the ones crying and biting down on a plank of wood with our trousers round our ankles.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!