Cheetah, the fastest one from the Thundercats has died. Lion-O is said to be uncontrollably grief stricken and considering alcoholism while Snarf is preparing a press-conference about her untimely… wait… that’s the wrong one. We’re talking about Tarzan’s buddy aren’t we?

Okay, glossing over the fact that, like most publications, we’re willing to invent situations out of an event that hasn’t happened, the sad news is that Cheetah the chimpanzee who starred in the Tarzan movies of the early ’30s has died.

Yes. Really. It was 80 years old! And it smoked like a trooper as well. Allow us the chance to fawn with empty praise of the death of a celebrity like we always cared about them in the first place. That’s what we’re supposed to do, right?

The tragic news came through from The Suncoast Primate Sanctuary in Palm Harbour, Florida, that some stupid monkey died of kidney failure on Dec 24th.

The world, mourning the loss of one of the greatest talents ever known, has not only lost a fine actor, but also, one the great artists of many generations.

Debbie Cobb, director of the sanctuary, said Cheetah had loved finger painting and had seemed particularly tuned into human feelings.

Of course, ‘tuned into human feelings’ actually means that he was known to throw his own faeces around if he became upset (what’s known in Hollywood as ‘being a diva’ – if you hear an act say that they’re a diva, they’re basically confessing to throwing handfuls of their own poo at assistants).

Naturally, after the Tarzan films, Cheetah went on to star in a myriad of PG Tips adverts (notably the one where he played a removal man who flung handfuls of waste at an elderly woman) as well as taking the lead in the Planet Of The Apes franchise (which was brought about after an alleged ‘casting couch incident’ with a certain C. Heston).

He’s still a stupid animal though who emoted about as much as a dandelion.

Aw! Remember Amy Winehouse? She was always in the newspapers covered in bitemarks and scratches wasn’t she? We can’t remember why she became famous in the first instance. Maybe she was a tennis player or something. We genuinely can’t recall. All we know is that really boring people go to Halloween parties dressed as her.

Anyway, she could well be seen out and about covered in more worrying scratches and bite marks after it was reported that she’s made friends with a monkey.

No, not a Monkee. Peter Tork hasn’t befriended the Whatever She Is. We meant monkey. A simian. A flea-bitten ape. Anyone who points out the difference between monkeys and apes should go away and get a life.

Winehouse is still in Barbados, staying at a private villa and probably staring at her impossible gravity defying new breasts. While out there, she’s gone and made friends with an animal because, presumably, no humans like her enough to talk to her.

Apparently, Amy has been followed by the monkey for the past week. We can only hope that this is the latest ruse by a tabloid to send an uncover reporter/photographer in to get some gossip on her. Or maybe find out what it was she did which made her famous.

But if we assume that this monkey is real, as Winehouse has, she’s grown so fond of it that she wants to bring it back to the UK with her. Of course, the UK has a climate that is absolutely ideal for monkeys. Perhaps she’ll teach it how to speak and make the entire world jealous by actually having a monkey butler.

A source told The Sun newspaper:

“Amy has made friends with a monkey. It came up to her and she fed it and it’s been following her around. She’s been telling friends how much she loves it and would love to bring it back with her.”

Of course, this poor beast is doomed.

Amy is known for her fleeting love of animals. At one point she owned 11 cats. She doesn’t own them any more because she got bored of them and gave them all away. Because these mogs were trashing her house, she gave two to her goddaughter Dionne Bromfield and the rest to an animal shelter.

Or drowned them all in a bin bag loaded up with paving stones. We’ve no idea. This could all be lies for all we know and we’re certainly not prepared to check the facts.

OH! HANG ON!

She used to sing didn’t she?

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There is a decently long list of animals we’d like to punch.

Top of the list is bears for the way they’re always so nonchalant with their captors. Next wood be woodpeckers because even in today’s civilised age, they still destroy trees.

Coming in a respectable third is monkeys. We’d punch them because we know that behind those beady eyes they’re thinking about ways they can kill a man and take his woman.

That’s really lame, monkeys. Why don’t you just lust for your own kind, you hairy pervs! Maybe that’s why Jason Biggs recently fist-fought one while on vacation.

The educated elite would surely agree that monkeys are the scourge of the earth. Sure, there are science-types who would argue that except for slightly less of a hunch and and apparent bath in a vat of Nair, we ourselves are exactly like them.

On that issue we’d like to argue because we’ve never sprung weird, shiny pink stiffies while held captive on public display. Seriously – it’s like the whole species just lacks any morals whatsoever. Clearly we have nothing in common with these primordial beasts.

And if we did, we’d have to punch ourselves in the face. It’s our duty as humans, you know. We need to keep monkeys in their place or they’ll rise up and pretty soon your children and your children’s children will all be forced-labor banana farmers. Do you want that? If you want that you’re a terrible parent.

Jason Biggs doesn’t want that. No – especially now, after a monkey jumped out of a tree and tried to eat his face while he was vacationing. No really – read for yourself from the Telegraph:

“[Biggs] was visiting the disputed territory at the foot of Spain with friend and American Pie co-star Eddie Kaye Thomas when the pair came face to face with one of Gibraltar’s mascots. “Jason and Eddie decided to go on the trip to celebrate the ten-year anniversary of Pie,” a source told US media. “They were hiking in the woods when this monkey suddenly leapt on Jason from a tree and tried to bite his face off. Jason’s travelling companions managed to fend the beast off and Jason thankfully wasn’t seriously hurt, just shaken up.”"

Fended off the beast? Why would they do that? If the baboon had succeeded in eating Biggs’ face his career could have been saved by playing a make-up-free Skeletor in any future He-Man reboot. Plus – think of how cool he’d look with no eyelids. Now picture it as looking a little dryer and you’ll pretty much have it.

On the other hand, Biggs’ face always has been kind of banana-shaped, if you think about it. Perhaps it’s not the animals fault. After thousands of years of us depicting them in hilarious cartoons with banana-in-hand, the yellow fruit lust must be all consuming. They’ve been conditioned to crave it.

Come to think of it – don’t blame the monkey. Blame Banana-Face Biggs and his ‘forehead & chin are a solid foot apart’ genetics. Of course the monkey’s gonna want to eat him – he looks freaking delicious!

Split that face, lay it next to some ice cream scoops and get ready – you’re in for a tasty treat!

Sprinkles optional.

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OK, the headline could be a tad misleading, as it’s questionable as to whether grabbing a boob without consent constitutes rape, or indeed whether a monkey has the faculties to be accused of such an act.

Be that as it may, it is an attention-grabbing headline that we’ve used to reel you in to a comparatively unsensational story. Let’s move on.

Christina Ricci, who was already a Maimouphobiac (scared of monkeys) was sexually assaulted on the set of her latest film Penelope by Chim Chim The Chimpanzee.

Christina Ricci said:

"I'm afraid of monkeys, but I had decided not to be afraid of Chim Chim because no one else is. I thought, 'Everyone else thinks he's awesome so just be cool.'”

But it seems the actress – playing a woman born with a pig's nose – played it a bit too cool, and the socially-inept Chim Chim couldn’t contain himself.

“It's the first day of shooting and I have this kitchen scene where I'm sitting down and Chim Chim is sitting right next to me. Of course, it freaks out during the take and grabs my left breast and will not let go, and he's so strong. I'm so freaked out and the rest of the actors are facing the other way so no one sees that this has happened to me and I'm like, 'Help, help' as quietly and calmly as possible so this thing does not freak out any further."

When Chim Chim initially saw co-star Reese Witherspoon rushing over to join in, he probably couldn’t believe his luck. However it was short lived as Witherspoon, with the help of Richard E Grant and James McAvoy, separated the two bipeds.

"Finally they got him off me but my fear is completely validated and I did not go near him for the rest of the shoot. Monkeys are crazy and you never know what they'll grab onto – I don't like unpredictable animals."

Ricci and her left breast survived the attack unscathed, and Chim Chim was left to while away the remainder of the shoot in disgrace. As to whether he felt it was worth it, we can only guess.

It’s a wonder why Ricci would ever tell the world this story. Oh no, wait – Penelope is due to be released in the UK on February 1.

Read more: 

Christina Ricci's ape assault – FemaleFirst