There is a decently long list of animals we’d like to punch.

Top of the list is bears for the way they’re always so nonchalant with their captors. Next wood be woodpeckers because even in today’s civilised age, they still destroy trees.

Coming in a respectable third is monkeys. We’d punch them because we know that behind those beady eyes they’re thinking about ways they can kill a man and take his woman.

That’s really lame, monkeys. Why don’t you just lust for your own kind, you hairy pervs! Maybe that’s why Jason Biggs recently fist-fought one while on vacation.

The educated elite would surely agree that monkeys are the scourge of the earth. Sure, there are science-types who would argue that except for slightly less of a hunch and and apparent bath in a vat of Nair, we ourselves are exactly like them.

On that issue we’d like to argue because we’ve never sprung weird, shiny pink stiffies while held captive on public display. Seriously – it’s like the whole species just lacks any morals whatsoever. Clearly we have nothing in common with these primordial beasts.

And if we did, we’d have to punch ourselves in the face. It’s our duty as humans, you know. We need to keep monkeys in their place or they’ll rise up and pretty soon your children and your children’s children will all be forced-labor banana farmers. Do you want that? If you want that you’re a terrible parent.

Jason Biggs doesn’t want that. No – especially now, after a monkey jumped out of a tree and tried to eat his face while he was vacationing. No really – read for yourself from the Telegraph:

“[Biggs] was visiting the disputed territory at the foot of Spain with friend and American Pie co-star Eddie Kaye Thomas when the pair came face to face with one of Gibraltar’s mascots. “Jason and Eddie decided to go on the trip to celebrate the ten-year anniversary of Pie,” a source told US media. “They were hiking in the woods when this monkey suddenly leapt on Jason from a tree and tried to bite his face off. Jason’s travelling companions managed to fend the beast off and Jason thankfully wasn’t seriously hurt, just shaken up.”"

Fended off the beast? Why would they do that? If the baboon had succeeded in eating Biggs’ face his career could have been saved by playing a make-up-free Skeletor in any future He-Man reboot. Plus – think of how cool he’d look with no eyelids. Now picture it as looking a little dryer and you’ll pretty much have it.

On the other hand, Biggs’ face always has been kind of banana-shaped, if you think about it. Perhaps it’s not the animals fault. After thousands of years of us depicting them in hilarious cartoons with banana-in-hand, the yellow fruit lust must be all consuming. They’ve been conditioned to crave it.

Come to think of it – don’t blame the monkey. Blame Banana-Face Biggs and his ‘forehead & chin are a solid foot apart’ genetics. Of course the monkey’s gonna want to eat him – he looks freaking delicious!

Split that face, lay it next to some ice cream scoops and get ready – you’re in for a tasty treat!

Sprinkles optional.

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Be that as it may, it is an attention-grabbing headline that we’ve used to reel you in to a comparatively unsensational story. Let’s move on.

Christina Ricci, who was already a Maimouphobiac (scared of monkeys) was sexually assaulted on the set of her latest film Penelope by Chim Chim The Chimpanzee.

Christina Ricci said:

"I'm afraid of monkeys, but I had decided not to be afraid of Chim Chim because no one else is. I thought, 'Everyone else thinks he's awesome so just be cool.'”

But it seems the actress – playing a woman born with a pig's nose – played it a bit too cool, and the socially-inept Chim Chim couldn’t contain himself.

“It's the first day of shooting and I have this kitchen scene where I'm sitting down and Chim Chim is sitting right next to me. Of course, it freaks out during the take and grabs my left breast and will not let go, and he's so strong. I'm so freaked out and the rest of the actors are facing the other way so no one sees that this has happened to me and I'm like, 'Help, help' as quietly and calmly as possible so this thing does not freak out any further."

When Chim Chim initially saw co-star Reese Witherspoon rushing over to join in, he probably couldn’t believe his luck. However it was short lived as Witherspoon, with the help of Richard E Grant and James McAvoy, separated the two bipeds.

"Finally they got him off me but my fear is completely validated and I did not go near him for the rest of the shoot. Monkeys are crazy and you never know what they'll grab onto – I don't like unpredictable animals."

Ricci and her left breast survived the attack unscathed, and Chim Chim was left to while away the remainder of the shoot in disgrace. As to whether he felt it was worth it, we can only guess.

It’s a wonder why Ricci would ever tell the world this story. Oh no, wait – Penelope is due to be released in the UK on February 1.

Read more: 

Christina Ricci's ape assault – FemaleFirst