Cheetah, the fastest one from the Thundercats has died. Lion-O is said to be uncontrollably grief stricken and considering alcoholism while Snarf is preparing a press-conference about her untimely… wait… that’s the wrong one. We’re talking about Tarzan’s buddy aren’t we?
Okay, glossing over the fact that, like most publications, we’re willing to invent situations out of an event that hasn’t happened, the sad news is that Cheetah the chimpanzee who starred in the Tarzan movies of the early ’30s has died.
Yes. Really. It was 80 years old! And it smoked like a trooper as well. Allow us the chance to fawn with empty praise of the death of a celebrity like we always cared about them in the first place. That’s what we’re supposed to do, right?
Aw! Remember Amy Winehouse? She was always in the newspapers covered in bitemarks and scratches wasn’t she? We can’t remember why she became famous in the first instance. Maybe she was a tennis player or something. We genuinely can’t recall. All we know is that really boring people go to Halloween parties dressed as her.
Anyway, she could well be seen out and about covered in more worrying scratches and bite marks after it was reported that she’s made friends with a monkey.
No, not a Monkee. Peter Tork hasn’t befriended the Whatever She Is. We meant monkey. A simian. A flea-bitten ape. Anyone who points out the difference between monkeys and apes should go away and get a life. Read More >>>
There is a decently long list of animals we’d like to punch.
Top of the list is bears for the way they’re always so nonchalant with their captors. Next wood be woodpeckers because even in today’s civilised age, they still destroy trees.
Coming in a respectable third is monkeys. We’d punch them because we know that behind those beady eyes they’re thinking about ways they can kill a man and take his woman.
That’s really lame, monkeys. Why don’t you just lust for your own kind, you hairy pervs! Maybe that’s why Jason Biggs recently fist-fought one while on vacation.
3 - So it looks like sex addiction treatment just involves making you wear a hat so disgusting that no woman on Earth would want to go anywhere near your pee-pee -Popsugar
2 – A monkey doing karate. Oh, animal cruelty, why must you be so entertaining? -Best Week Ever
1 - Follow Stephen Fry on Twitter. The man is prolific – Twitter
OK, the headline could be a tad misleading, as it’s questionable as to whether grabbing a boob without consent constitutes rape, or indeed whether a monkey has the faculties to be accused of such an act.
Be that as it may, it is an attention-grabbing headline that we’ve used to reel you in to a comparatively unsensational story. Let’s move on.
Christina Ricci, who was already a Maimouphobiac (scared of monkeys) was sexually assaulted on the set of her latest film Penelope by Chim Chim The Chimpanzee.
Cheetah, the fastest one from the Thundercats has died. Lion-O is said to be uncontrollably grief stricken and considering alcoholism while Snarf is preparing a press-conference about her untimely… wait… that’s the wrong one. We’re talking about Tarzan’s buddy aren’t we?
There is a decently long list of animals we’d like to punch.
