Ready for another buttload of Eurovision 2009 profiles? Yes, of course you are.

We know we’re hyping this up a bit, but in a few days we’re going to be showing you the worst Eurovision entry we’ve ever heard. It’s awful. It’s not even so bad it’s good. It’s so bad it’s genuinely made us contemplate self-harm. It’s horrible. And it’s coming in a few days.

But first here’s the Eurovision 2009 rundown for Nelly Ciobanu from Moldova…

Moldova · Nelly Ciobanu, Hora din Moldova

Jesus lord, Moldova, you’ve thrown down the gauntlet here. If any other European countries thought they could out-weird Moldova, they’re going to have to think again. Look at the picture at the top of this article. That’s Nelly Ciobanu. That’s right – Moldova have entered Cruella DeVille into Eurovision. What’s more, her official Eurovision biography appears to have been written by a mentally-wrong shamen. Look – “One autumn morning in a small village in the south of Moldova a young woman prayed to her god; she asked: “Give me, My God, a girl who would become a singer!”. So on October, 28th 1974 in the village of ??nia in the Kantemirsky region, Nelly Ciobanu entered this life.” What? Bloody WHAT? Moldova, you’ve gone bananas. So bananas, in fact, that we don’t have room to describe your Eurovision entry Hora din Moldova. Except to say that it’s so bizarre that we actually sort of like it.

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Ready for another generic Eurovision betting odds opening sentence? Well, you’ve got your wish. Happy now?

Have you entered the Eurovision: Be A Winner karaoke contest yet? Us neither. Do you plan to enter the Eurovision: Be A Winner karaoke contest? Us neither. Can you think of anything more likely to send you into violent involuntary convulsions than a Eurovision karaoke contest? Us neither. But, hey, the deadline for Eurovision: Be A Winner entries is Friday. Just thought we’d let you know.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Moldova, with help from Paddy Power…

Moldova (pop. 4,431,570; a landlocked country in Eastern Europe) Geta Burlacu, A Century Of Love

You know when you’ve just been dumped and it’s raining and you go into a seedy bar at 3am and it’s 1986? Chances are A Century Of Love is the music you’ll hear in that bar. Performed by Moldovan karaoke TV show host and human Van Der Graaf generator Geta Burlacu, A Century Of Love might just be the most gut-wrenchingly miserable song ever recorded. “This is all I mean/ Be my “everything”!/ And live forever/ Ever, ever!” it goes, making poor old Geta sound like the neediest bugger Eurovision has ever had. But why can’t Geta Burlacu get a boyfriend? Perhaps it’s because she’s got a genuinely funny accent. Perhaps it’s because she keeps getting ‘singing’ mixed up with ‘horrible atonal yelping’. Perhaps it’s because it’s physically impossible to sit through all of A Century Of Love without being overwhelmed with nausea. No, it’s probably just the silly accent. Current Eurovision betting odds – 150/1

Tomorrow: Montenegro! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Eurovision betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Eurovision is bad enough at the worst of times, right? There's nothing worse than watching some shambling lunatic in ill-fitting clothes saunter around a stage and display their complete lack of professionalism to the world. And that's just Terry Wogan. Eh? Eh? Do you see? Eh?

Anyway. There's actually one surefire way to make Eurovision that little bit more unsettling – and we don't mean watching it on 30g of magic mushrooms with your eyelids taped open like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange. We mean by choosing an entry that has somewhat, ahem, suspicious lyrics.

As flagged up by the mighty Popbitch, I Love The Girls is Alexandru Bobnibov's shortlisted attempt to represent Moldova in next year's Eurovision. "Now, then," you might say, "what's wrong with a title like that? He loves the ladies – surely he's just a red-blooded young man?"  To which we reply: check out the lyrics.

Do you wanna be in a my gang, my gang, my gang …

I Love The Girls (second track down)