And, you know, what with Mohamed having big ladyhair and Kat looking like a sort of androgynous Thai businessman – well, it all seems a bit too neat for us. Anyway, Mohamed and Kat got evicted from Big Brother tonight, which would be a surprise if only every single bellend on Earth hadn’t predicted it already. Oh well, not long and it’ll all be over.

But who’s going to win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Darnell to win, with help from Paddy Power…

Darnell - Let’s be quite clear about this; Darnell isn’t going to win Big Brother, and that’s a shame. He could have used that prize money for the lifetime of therapy he obviously needs. Although he started off on Big Brother nicely enough – joking around and singing and giving everyone a chance to see that albinos aren’t the child-snatching woodland monsters we all believed them to be – lately Darnell’s literally gone berserk. He’s flared up at Sara more times than we care to remember, he’s been officially warned about his unstable behaviour by Big Brother and let’s not forget that time he he smeared himself in chocolate and went on a frightening self-hate rant. In a way it’d be cool if Darnell won Big Brother – he’d easily be the least-likable winner of the show since Anthony in 2005 – but it’s not going to happen. Still, if we ever do betting odds for Big Brother housemates most likely to run through a shopping centre indiscriminately firing a machine gun, Darnell’s basically a shoo-in. Current Big Brother betting odds – 16/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds. Why, what did you expect? Unless he gets evicted tonight, in which case God knows. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

But before we look forward to the end of Big Brother, what’s been going on? Well for starters Lisa was evicted from Big Brother on Friday, and took the exit interview as another opportunity to try and convince us that a large part of her brain doesn’t work properly. Oh, and also there’s going to be a double eviction tomorrow night – the two housemates with the least number of votes so far are being booted out.That’s right – people still actually vote on the outcome of Big Brother. Losers.

But who’s going to win Big Brother on Friday? Mohamed? Is it Mohamed? Is it? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Mohamed to win, with help from Paddy Power…

Mohamed – Sometimes we think Big Brother might be secretly written by a Hollywood scriptwriter. A really shit one who’s only doing it to fund his raging drug addiction, admittedly, but our point still stands. Take Mohamed’s last few weeks, for example. Mohamed has slowly been irritating all the other Big Brother housemates thanks to his relentless greediness, and when they eventually let him become the head of house – thereby making him immune from nominations – the two nominated housemates ended up getting given £25,000. Perfect – that’s genuinely the most perfect way that anyone could have stiffed Mohamed. Especially since there’s no way that Mohamed is ever going to win Big Brother. Although, if everyone who watched Big Brother suddenly went mad with syphilis and decided to all vote for Mohamed, those who did bet on his victory would be walking away with a shitload of cash. Look at those odds! – Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Tomorrow: Can Kat win Big Brother? But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

That’s not the grim-minded prophesy of someone who hates mankind – well it is, a bit – it’s actually scientific fact. Mohamed has been named as head of the Big Brother house, and that means he can’t get nominated and therefore has automatically reached the upcoming Big Brother final. Bad news if you dislike Mohamed, but brilliant news if you dislike Big Brother. So a win-win for everyone, really.

Who’s going to win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Lisa, Darnell, Rachel and Mikey, with help from Paddy Power…

Lisa - Oh Lisa, you foolish man-looking beefcake. What have you gone and done? We’ll tell you what you’ve gone and done. You’ve gone and got engaged to Mario, that’s what. Yes, it might seem like a touchingly romantic thing to accept a marriage proposal through a pane of glass on live television, but have some foresight for God’s sake. We don’t want to be rude to you Lisa, especially since you’ve suddenly become inexplicably popular in our brief absence, so we won’t. All we’ll say is this – either you or Mario had better be completely infertile, because any children you have will all look like Wolf out of Gladiators. But, you know, congratulations and whatever. Current Big Brother betting odds – 7/1

Darnell – Occasionally we happen to miss an episode of Big Brother, and usually we view that as a kind of special treat. But sometimes it hurts, like the time we missed the moment when Darnell admitted that he didn’t have a girlfriend and covered himself in chocolate as some kind of bizarre self-hate penance. That sort of thing is once in a lifetime entertainment and we blew it. Sorry. But it must have worked, because Darnell is still riding high in the Big Brother betting odds. Maybe covering yourself in chocolate and ranting about what a miserable freak you are is the way to success after all. If it is, then perhaps Tom Daley should think about doing that instead of diving, the weird ventriloquist dummy nobhead. Current Big Brother betting odds – 7/2

Rachel – We’ve secretly always wanted Rachel to do well in Big Brother, if only for the fact that her inevitable Nuts magazine photospread would be one of those awkward ‘Look! It’s Rachel From Big Brother In An Unusually Thick Floor-Length Nightie!’ shoots. With a few weeks to go, Rachel looks certain to be in the Big Brother final, and she’s got there by being sweet and lovely and whatever the opposite of vindictive is. It just goes to show that while nice guys finish last, nice girls don’t finish last so long as they wear enough bikinis. Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/4

Mikey – Wait a minute, the blind bloke’s going to win Big Brother after all? Well diddle us silly. Of course, we always thought at first that Mikey would win Big Brother, but that’s purely because he’s blind and people are pity-filled idiots. But then it became painfully clear that as well as being blind, Mikey was actually a bit of a dick and his betting odds dropped accordingly. And now he’s the favourite to win Big Brother again. Why? Is it because Mikey has suddenly become nice? No. The only thing we can think of is that Mikey recently shaved his head and now everyone thinks that he’s a blind man going through chemotherapy. But that’s awful and we never actually thought that. Current Big Brother betting odds – 5/4

Tomorrow – eviction betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Anyway, what’s happened on Big Brother this weekend? Nicole got evicted which is good, because it means that the most annoying woman on the television has automatically reverted back to Jeremy Kyle; and Lisa got engaged to Mario, which is bad because it meant that Mario was back on TV and we promised ourselves that we’d cut our eyes out if that ever happened again. Thank heavens for braille keyboards, eh?

So who’ll win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Mohamed, Sara, Rex and Kat, with help from Paddy Power…

Mohamed – The sheer fact alone that Mohamed is still in the Big Brother house is a stone cold testament to what a bundle of wankers the evicted Big Brother housemates were. There can’t be a person on the planet who likes Mohamed – he’s such a monumental bell-end that Rachel even managed to call him a jerk the other day. Since Rachel’s the kind of girl who’d refuse to call the sky blue in case it offended clouds, that’s really something. Surely Mohamed can’t last much longer on Big Brother – if he isn’t evicted soon his constant gluttony will cause him to swell up until his body actually absorbs the house itself. One way or another he goes. Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Sara – OK, we’re officially stunned. Of the three housemates who entered Big Brother late – Belinda, Maysoon and Sara – we were convinced that Sara wouldn’t be the last one standing. Why? Because, although it’s blindingly apparent to everyone with at least one functioning sense that everyone in the Big Brother house is stupider than remedial cheese, they’re all in fact too dim to see what a massive cocktease she really is. Sara flits from boy to boy cooing about what big arms they have as nomination day approaches and none of them have twigged why yet. Maybe we’re wrong – maybe Sara really does fancy everyone – but that’s unlikely because she’s even tried it on with Darnell, and surely her self-esteem can’t be that fucked, can it? Current Big Brother betting odds – 33/1

Rex - Thank Christ Nicole has been evicted from Big Brother – watching her and Rex constantly bicker with each other was like watching an especially harrowing amateur dramatic performance of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf starring nothing but utter utter wanktards. Still, now that Rex doesn’t have to worry about his girlfriend any more, he can get back to doing what he does best in the Big Brother house – being the world’s gingerest bastard. But maybe the fact that he has a girlfriend who’s obviously a massive twonk will work in Rex’s favour. It probably won’t, though, since Rex is such a titmonkey. Current Big Brother betting odds – 12/1

Kat – Look, it’s been a while since this particular writer has done any Big Brother stuff, but we’re sure that Kat was popular last time we looked. Apparently not, though – she’s now only fifth favourite to win. For the love of God, are you seriously telling us that a one-dimensional little fat woman with a funny accent who only talks about biscuits can get boring? We’ll be blown. Or perhaps we’re wrong. Perhaps Kat did something awful when we weren’t looking. But what could be awful enough to be considered less popular than Lisa? There’s only one thing – Kat must’ve raped a vicar. It’s literally the only option. Literally. Urgh. Current Big Brother betting odds – 8/1

Tomorrow – Big Brother betting odds for Lisa, Darnell, Rachel and Mikey. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

There’s no Kat fight and welsh teacher Rachel has survived Lisa’s scornful looks for another week – but for the other three, it’s claws out, let the bitch fest begin.

So who will be trying to avoid that up-skirt shot (or not, as the case may be with Sara and Nicole) as they climb the BB steps to instant, bright-burning but inevitably short-lived 15 minutes of fame?

One of Lisa, Sarah or Nicole will be ousted – and about time, too. If we could get them all out, we would. The public will decide, of course – and the least favourite housemate will be thrust into the limelight and onto Davina’s couch on Friday. Check with Paddy Power to see how your decision can help net you a bit of cash too.

Here are their potted BB histories.

Sara came in late and threw the cosy balance of the house out of kilter straight away. The Aussie chick was quick to hook her talons into Dale, with his squeeze Jen still there – but once he had been kicked out, following a brief flirtation with Darnell, her next big crush was Stuart.

It has been a ‘can I find me a man’ time in the house for Sara, who also has a thing for Rex. But I’m sure she’ll regret that once she gets out. Big Brother betting odds – 18-1

Next up is Lisa, the lapsed body-builder who entered the house almost 80 days ago with her hunky 40-something boyfriend Mario. The pair didn’t make a great start to their time in front of the cameras, become extremely unpopular with the viewers – and some housemates, almost immediately.

But since Mario was given his marching orders, Lisa has relaxed and, apart from her aborted break out and obsessive hate for Rachel, she has relaxed into her mother of the house role. Big Brother betting odds – 20-1

And finally, Nicole – can I really be bothered with her? No. Rex moaned about missing her for what seems like years and then she turns up and he treats her like shit. And she takes it.

Get out of the house on Friday Nicole and you’ll find out pretty quickly that he is hated beyond redemption and it’s time to find a nice bloke. Trouble is, what nice bloke is going to look twice… Big Brother betting odds – 1-100

On the winning front, things remain in Mikey’s favour, with Darnell, Rachel and Kat just ahead of Lisa. And that’s unlikely to change until the final day now. Big Brother betting odds – 11-8

Tomorrow: eviction day, the tenth housemate will leave the house through a public vote and we will finally – hopefully – get rid of Nicole. The annoying little twit. Check with Paddy Power for updated odds – maybe Nicole will manage to swing the running in her favour? (Here’s a clue: she won’t)

Story By Richard Hughes

They are all nomination virgins of course, so whichever leaves, it’s going to hurt. However, there may be some relief for Nicole if she gets evicted. At least she won’t have to put up with her arsehole boyfriend Rex anymore.

Tomorrow we’ll take a look at the favourites for the chop – but today let’s have another look those still in the running for the big cash prize, as laid down by Paddy Power. Kerching!

Mikey still heads the list, no surprise there. The blind Scot, who is currently leading the ‘I Hate Rex’ campaign, has been top of the betting charts since time in memorial. Big Brother betting odds – 2-1

Darnell has jumped into second place over the last week beating off the competition from Rachel and Kat. The quirky albino American has a good chance of upsetting the odds. Big Brother betting odds – 5-2

Rachel, the smooth operator, is keeping it cool again this week and might be worth an outside punt. Her and Kat are bound to make the final week are they avoided this week’s nominations. Big Brother betting odds – 10-3

Kat, the shrieking dumpling, seems to be losing ground. Once she was a shoe-in, but now she is just an irritating, squat noise-machine. Big Brother betting odds – 6-1

Lisa, the man-women (are those tits fake or not?) is next in line – and may well make the final day if she doesn’t get the boot this Friday. Big Brother betting odds – 7-1

Rex. Oh hateful Rex. He’s possibly the vilest creature this side of the Atlantic. He’s going get a shock when he leaves the house – he probably thinks he’s an extraordinarily popular housemate but the boos will ring out like never before. It’s such as shame that, as head of house this week, he couldn’t nominated. Big Brother betting odds – 16-1

Sara is this week’s surprise nomination. And she received more votes than the other two, too. The Aussie beauty has been playing the man-game though and both Dale and Stuart were kicked out while she attempted to dig her claws in. She can’t go back to Darnell, the ideal man Rex is attached – so there’s only Mikey and Mo left… Oh dear. Big Brother betting odds – 50-1

Mohamed finally cooked his goose when he ate one of Mikey’s bogeys for a can of cider this week. Nuff said. Yuk. Big Brother betting odds – 80-1

Nicole. Just shut up. Stop crying. Dump Rex. Go home. You hateful women. Big Brother betting odds – 250-1

Tomorrow: we’ll be gearing up for yet another eviction – one that could change the makeup of the entire house. Either that or Lisa will go, which is unlikely to change anything, really. In the meantime, don’t forget to check out Paddy Power for the latest Big Brother betting odds.

Story By Richard Hughes

Seriously though, how much more of their interminable bickering and childish arguments can the nation put up with? They are a microcosm of every bad facet of every bad relationship anyone has ever had in the history of man. The fact that Nicole believes Rex had a two day sex and alcohol fuelled sex-a-thon with a Vegas stripper doesn’t seem to be helping her relax too much either.

The housemates were asked to make Roman chewing gum mosaics of their newly crowned leader, Caesar Rex as part of the day’s task. The housemates who made the best one would receive a prize, which obviously led to numerous jibes about, ‘oh I wonder who will win?’ Nicole and Sara maybe? HMMMM? To which Caesar decreed, “Look, I’m not going to do a Rachel…” then, obviously, did a Rachel and chose his girlfriend and his favourite Aussie to enjoy the special prize, which was a plate of MEAT. CLASS.

So how has this all affected the other housemates standing in the eyes of the public and our wonderful friends at Paddy Power?

Mikey is still the top dog of the house. This man has a golden ticket to the finals it would appear. He shocked housemates by explaining that sex was not really his thing as it is boring, commenting “when you can’t see anything going on, it’s dull,” then elaborating to say that according to the bastion of truth, justice and FACT, The Sun newspaper, blind folk are the best lovers. So when he wins that £100K and buys some laser eyes, look out ladies, Mikey is on the loose. Big Brother Betting Odds – 2-1

Darnell has increased in popularity this week thanks to his funny T-Rex-like walk and the ever powerful sympathy vote; he’s a virgin you know. Awww, bless him. Still the paranoia increases about his relationship with the ladies, commenting to Big Bro that “if no one in the house fancies me, there isn’t much hope with women in the real world.” Still he is coming in as a strong number two to win this week; if he can keep up the fun then he’s in with a real shot at the title. Big Brother Betting Odds – 5-2.

Rachel continues to be the nicest housemate this week and is still bullied at every opportunity by all and sundry. We just can’t put a finger on why everyone in the house (other than Kat) dislikes her so much, I mean she is childish, dull and has a huge head but come on! Women traditionally don’t win Big Brother but she is a strong contender for third place. Big Brother Betting Odds – 7-2.

Kat just loves to rut, all day, every day. Prince Charming once mounted her for a record 15 times in one day according to her. Imagine that. Go on, have a good hard think about it, because since she said that, that is all I can think about, it is burnt into my brain FOREVER. Big Brother Betting Odds – 6-1.

Lisa believes that wasps can kill you, one sting and dead. Still, she has done a lot of research into it and therefore it is fact. Still, you can’t really take anything she says too seriously though after an ill advised fake tan session in which she ended up looking like a streaky turd. Big Brother Betting Odds – 7-1.

Rex surely can’t get any more annoying, can he? Yes, yes he can. The super fascistic head of house has been slowly grinding away at Nicole about the information she learned on the outside world, but she is being tight lipped about his alleged philandering. Even when the ginger lothario asks her if she’d like to do “some petting.” Big Brother Betting Odds – 16-1.

Sara is still missing Stu and is still avoiding Mo’s unwanted attempts at flirting. She has been relatively quiet apart from when she was praising Big Brother’s meat based prize for winning the task with Nicole. She does love meat. Big Brother Betting Odds – 50-1.

Mohamed has a little spring in his step due to the erroneous belief that Sara finds him attractive. After all, don’t women love greedy lethargic fatties? No, no they don’t and it is only a matter of time – and cider – before his hopes and dreams are crushed by her. Big Brother Betting Odds – 80-1.

Nicole is the kind of girl that you meet at university who is incapable of existing outside of the remit of Mummy and Daddy. She spends her days wearing faux hippie outfits, having ridiculous opinions about bringing back hanging and talking about horses. Thankfully due to her constant prattling she has made herself the most unpopular housemate, SCORE. Big Brother Betting Odds – 200-1.

What joys will tomorrow hold? Will Mo finally seduce Sara only to be shot down in flames? Will Nicole cry and will Rex finally snap and attack her? Tune in tomorrow kids – and in the meantime check out Paddy Power for the latest Big Brother betting odds.

Story By Ben Morrison

Stu should be climbing the steps before the night is out and here’s hoping Rex will be thoroughly confused by the whole thing.

Rachel’s tears over the dead goldfish – and Nicole’s laughter at her reaction showed them both up for what they are.

Okay, so tears over a dead goldfish do seem slightly over the top – but Nicole’s smug ’she’s crying over the goldfish’, snigger, snigger signposted the bitch for what she is.

Stuart wants to go, of course, He’ll be pleased as punch if he walks tonight. But the house will have to realise that Rachel is a real contender this time around.

So, with time slowly running out – who do Paddy Power think is still in the frame for the title this year?

Mikey looks set to win. The canny Scot is too clever to be beaten. Big Brother betting odds – 2-1

Rachel is still second, and her performance over the dead goldfish may have solidified her status and even have her pushing Mikey for Paddy Power’s top spot. Big Brother betting odds – 3-1

Third favourite Darnell is losing it slightly – and all because he go a knock back from Aussie chick Sara. It’s been fun to watch the lad suffer, then come out fighting. Big Brother Betting odds – 7-2

Kat, Kat, Kat – constantly chasing her tail. How boring after ten minutes. But she will outstay most and be there for the final day, as will Lisa. Big Brother betting odds – Kat (4-1), Lisa (8-1)

Nasty bastard Rex is fast being found out by the rest of the housemates. If he doesn’t go next week I shall be shocked to the core. Big Brother betting odds – 18-1

Stuart, it look’s like you’re off tonight, son – at least you’ll be happy. Big Brother betting odds – Stu 20-1

It will be interesting to see how Sara reacts if Stu goes tonight. She has invested a lot of time getting the hunk interested in him. Will she try to ‘use’ Darnell again as her love interest? Big Brother betting odds – Sara (25-1)

Mohamed – sorry son, you’ve got no chance. Big Brother betting odds – 40-1

Nicole – waste of space. Big Brother betting odds – 100-1

Next week: with another housemate out, how will the dynamic have been affected? And though it’s likely to be Stuart going, what will happen if the public have a change of heart and kick out Rachel? Keep your eyes on Paddy Power for the most recent updates.

Story By Richard Hughes

But she looks odds on to be wrong – and it will be beefcake Stuart who athletically tackles those steps to freedom tomorrow, finally leaving the house and getting what he wants so badly.

It’s not just the Olympics that could be worth a flutter though, and our pals at Paddy Power have all the betting odds you would ever need for Big Brother.

Olympic Stu has been itching to get out for weeks now – no doubt hoping to get his teeth into that modelling contract or TV offer bound to be on its way. Big Brother betting odds – 1-6

So Rachel will likely survive and justify her second favourite status – much to the shock of Rex, who thinks she’s a waste of space and that she will go. Big Brother betting odds – 7-2

Mikey has finally sussed bully Rex and told man-woman Lisa exactly what he thinks of the conceited peacock. It’s just a shame, Mikey, that you didn’t use your head-of-house megaphone to let everyone else know what a prick he is.

Okay, they should have been able to work it out for themselves by now – but sometimes you need a nudge from a blind guy to see the wood for the trees, don’t ya?

The bald Scot continues to annoy the rest of the housemates this week, while upping the ante in the betting stakes. He remains favourite to win the whole thing – and who would bet against that right now. Big Brother betting odds – 2-1

Rachel is still second, her strength coming from Rex’s bullying and the fact that people like Lisa think she’s playing a game when quite obviously, she’s just being nice. Big Brother betting odds – 3-1

Third favourite now, however, is Darnell, who has leapfrogged the bubbling Kat. The skinhead albino rapper, who is being pawed by Aussie flirt Sara, may be picking up the sympathy vote, while his entertainment value is higher than most, too. Fair play. Anyone else chuckle at his slouchy Neanderthal walk – or is it just me? Big Brother Betting odds – 7-2

Kat’s hissy-fits have seen her drop down the odds table – she’s still way ahead of Lisa, but that pair are almost certain to make the last day because they won’t get enough nominations in one week to be up for eviction until then. Big Brother betting odds – Kat (4-1), Lisa (8-1)

Rex must go before he becomes a dictator-like figure – surely the housemates will follow Mikey’s lead and see sense before the final week? The public have and he has been slipping down the odds for weeks now. But what if his evil scheme works? Then you could make a few quid out of the devil. Big Brother betting odds – 18-1

Stuart is still an outside bet, despite the likelihood of him walking this week – and his mate Sara, who seems intent on breaking poor Darnell’s heart and bagging herself a bit of Stu instead, isn’t out of the running either. Big Brother betting odds – Stu (20-1), Sara (25-1)

But, the rest of the field look to have cooked their goose. Mohamed and Nicole are dead housemates walking, and it’s only a matter of time before they are sent on that long walk up the stairs. At least Mo will get a decent feed then. Big Brother betting odds – Mo (40-1), Nicole (100-1).

Tomorrow: it’s eviction day – will it be the expected outcome of hunk-o-Stu giving Davina that all-important one-to-one interview, or will public opinion swing in favour of ousting Rachel because she… hmm… is a bit too nice? Either way, Paddy Power have all your betting needs.

Story By Richard Hughes

Maysoon left the Big Brother house in her trademark style – it was boring and quiet and nobody really cared about it one way or the other – but that leaves eight housemates up for eviction. Why so many? Because the Big Brother housemates were caught discussing nominations in just about the most gormless way possible – by referring to each other in football terms. Darnell was Arsenal, Luke was Wigan, Kat was, we dunno, late-period Maradona or something. We won’t pretend we’re experts.

As yet, Paddy Power hasn’t listed this week’s Big Brother eviction odds, so instead we’re going to give you the Big Brother betting odds to win for nominated housemates Kat, Darnell and Mohamed instead and you can work backwards from there…

Kat - Kat’s favourite to win Big Brother at the moment, but she’s untested with the public. Since we literally live in an ivory tower in the middle of an exclusive off-shore gated community, we’re certain that Kat will be evicted from Big Brother tomorrow because of the public’s deep-seated unease with fat foreigners who like biscuits. Mark these words. Or don’t. It’s no big deal. Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/4

Darnell – Darnell survived a Big Brother eviction last week, so he obviously has fans. Well, not fans per se, rather a group of people who thought that Rebecca was slightly more of a knob than him. Anyway, now that he’s relinquished the mantle of Big Brother house-head, Darnell’s reverted from power-crazed weirdo to plain old worryingly paranoid crackpot. He’ll be fine. Current Big Brother betting odds – 7/2

Mohamed – Given how aggressively triumphant Mohamed was last Friday when he wasn’t evicted from the Big Brother house, we think that he’s due a hefty dose of karma. That could mean that he gets evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night, or it could mean that he doesn’t get evicted but one of his eyeballs is pierced by a bird’s beak at some point in the next couple of weeks. Either one’s fine. Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother eviction odds for Luke, Dale, Rachel, Rex and Stuart. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

And that saying couldn’t be more apt when it comes to discussing Rebecca, the Big Brother housemate who was evicted on Friday night. She came, she saw, she kept getting her knockers out and she had a drunken tongue-wrestle with a twig. We won’t see Rebecca’s like again, unless of course we go to any pikey nightclub on a Saturday night. Honestly, they’re full of them.

But with Rebecca gone, who’s going to win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Mohamed, Sara, Maysoon and Lisa, with help from Paddy Power…

Mohamed - Finally. It’s taken over 50 days but we’ve finally realised why most of the Big Brother housemates have found the energy to round on such a steaming nonentity as Mohamed. After several hours of high-level scientific exploration into the issue, we’ve realised that Mohamed just has one of those faces. It’s the way he moves his mouth when he talks, the hint of slimy creepiness in his eyes, the way he’s constantly on the prowl for a cigarette to steal. It’s icky and it creeps us out. Also, Mohamed won’t win Big Brother because he shoved his tongue into Rebecca’s gob last week; and finding her attractive is a crime punishable only by being catapulted into the side of a cliff at a million miles an hour. Fact. Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Sara – Another week in the Big Brother house, another display of absolutely piss-all from Sara – the girl with the face of Angelina Jolie and the personality of some especially uninteresting vapour. Right now Sara might be developing a bit of a crush on Darnell. She might not be – every time Sara is shown on Big Brother we start smashing ourselves about the face with a tin tray because we’ve discovered it’s less painful and pointless than paying attention to her – but let’s just say she is. Fingers crossed that their kids have her looks and his personality. They’d still be bullied at school, but – let’s face it – rather that than the other way around. Current Big Brother betting odds – 66/1

Maysoon – Much has been made of Maysoon’s developing personality – all of a sudden she’s actually started to engage the Big Brother housemates in conversation, rather than just sit around sucking her cheeks in and blankly staring into the middle-distance all day. We’re not convinced, though. Look – who’s the biggest personality in the Big Brother house at the moment? Lisa? Big whoop – she’s basically a transvestite with the voice of a Chuckle Brother. The Big Brother producers know that there’s nobody interesting left in the show, which is why they’re blindly flailing around trying to find something, anything, to fill their daily hour with. And apparently the occasional mutterings of a hopelessly dull deodorant model do that quite well. They don’t – it’s not an exaggeration to say that we’d rather dive into a quarry full of dirty heroin needles than listen to Maysoon talk about anything. Ever. Current Big Brother betting odds – 40/1

Lisa – So, without Mario in the Big Brother house to constantly dominate her, what’s Lisa like as a person? Fucking awful, in a word. As well as having a face that looks like a permanently blind child’s Crayola scrawl of a pretty lady, Lisa’s also taken it upon herself to round on Rachel and Kat as often as possible. God knows why – being mean to Rachel is a bit like shooting a puppy in the face. And another thing – Lisa’s one of those awful arseholes who think they’re far more deep than they actually are, as seen during her bewildering discussion with Darnell about how you should never abuse the sea. Physically abuse the sea. With your fists. For some reason, Lisa’s never been put up for Big Brother eviction. This must either be because the Big Brother housemates are stupid or because they’re vainly hoping that next week’s task involves turning the Diary Room into a lethal injection chamber. We know which of these options is true, but we know which one we want to be true, too. Current Big Brother betting odds – 25/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds for Stuart, Rachel, Mikey and Rex. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Darnell, Mohamed and Rebecca all face the Big Brother chop this week, and we’re guessing that the results of the public vote will be extraordinarily tight. That’s because only three people actually still watch Big Brother these days, and they all like different housemates. Well, two of them do – the third one only watches Big Brother as a sort of mental self-harming punishment exercise. They’re weird, that third one.

Anyway, who’s being evicted from Big Brother tomorrow? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for the eviction of Darnell and Mohamed, with help from Paddy Power…

Darnell - It’s no surprise that Darnell was plonked up for eviction this week. As head of the Big Brother house, Darnell managed to make Robert Mugabe look like the picture of moderate diplomacy – hardly a second went by without him abusing his power in a ridiculously pointless manner. Our particular favourite moment of Darnell madness came when he ordered Sara to make him some dinner, mumbled “Yeah, you fucking bitch” again and again under his breath until it was ready, then ignored it, sunk his head into his hands and howled with anguish. It was excellent – and just like watching the rise and fall of the Roman Empire. In fast forward. On a broken TV that shows everything in negative. Anyway, don’t expect to see Darnell evicted from Big Brother tomorrow – he might be worryingly close to having a paranoid-fuelled mental breakdown, but at least he doesn’t get his tits out all the time like a grotty old shitbag. Current Big Brother betting odds – 12/1

Mohamed – We’re slightly stunned that Mohamed picked up so many Big Brother nominations this week. That’s because we were under the impression that, to get nominations, the other housemates have to actually remember you exist. And Mohamed, let’s not forget, probably has less personality than any other Big Brother housemate in history. Honestly, we’ve had to stop three times this paragraph and remind ourselves who Mohamed actually is. But being freakishly dull might work in Mohamed’s favour. Both Darnell and Rebecca have done more to catch the attention of Big Brother viewers, which means that they’ll be more likely to pick up votes. That’s not meant as anything even vaguely approaching a compliment, though – insects have more personality than Mohamed. Tupperware has more personality than Mohamed. The second-smallest toenail on our left foot has more personality than Mohamed. Actually, it really has. It’s a wanker, that toenail. Current Big Brother betting odds – 10/3

Tomorrow – Big Brother betting odds for Rebecca’s eviction. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

But the eviction of Belinda hasn’t been the only thing to happen in the Big Brother house this weekend – the mantle of Big Brother head of house has passed from Darnell to Dale. What will his tenure as boss be like? Better than Darnell’s? Worse? Or, as we suspect, so sodding similar that you’ll want to corkscrew your own eyes out just for a bit of variation? You decide.

But who’s going to win Big Brother this year? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Mohamed, Maysoon, Sara and Rebecca, with help from Paddy Power…

Mohamed – Regular readers will remember that this time last week we urged Mohamed to do something, anything, to prove his worth as a Big Brother housemate. Readers, Mohamed has not let us down – in the last seven days Mohamed has played out of his skin in that he a) ate a banana and b) picked up a toothbrush. Great work Mohamed! However, it’s a testament to Mohamed’s incredible unpopularity that both of these actions resulted in gigantic arguments. Mohamed obviously doesn’t stand a hope in hell of winning Big Brother, but let’s keep him in for a few more weeks. We want to see what the most gaspingly mundane thing he’s capable of turning into a flare-up is. Current Big Brother betting odds – 100/1

Maysoon – Maysoon is another Big Brother housemate worthy of our praise this week, because she’s done the impossible and managed to be even more pointless and anonymous than Mohamed. The woman literally doesn’t do anything. Alright, maybe that’s a lie – this weekend she ran for head of the house. Sadly, and somewhat inevitably, she lost, which was a shame. Being head of the Big Brother house means that you have to occasionally assert your personality, and – since Maysoon doesn’t actually have one of those – we were interested to see what she’d assert instead. Her lovely hair? Current Big Brother betting odds – 66/1

Sara - You know when you just instinctively don’t like someone for no reason? That’s pretty much exactly how we feel about Sara. We just can’t help it – it’s probably got something to do with her voice. When Sara speaks, it’s like the world’s most vacuously self-obsessed mosquito has got jammed into your ear and just keeps burrowing closer and closer towards your brain until the monotonous whine gets too much to bear and you end up shooting your face off with a cannon just to make it stop. We don’t even know what Sara has done in the Big Brother house this last week, but one thing’s for sure – even if she stopped world hunger she’d probably still piss us off a little bit. Current Big Brother betting odds – 50/1

Rebecca – Rebecca is in the heaven side of the Big Brother house now, but last week she was in the hell side and didn’t we all bloody know about it. Even though she’s probably got enough fat stored up in her colossal funbags to keep her going without food for a solid couple of decades, Rebecca moaned and whined and, at one point, actually collapsed because it was all too much for her. Speaking of Rebecca’s boobs, this last week has been characterised by her worries that the lack of food would make her jugs shrivel away to nothing. Rebecca, we think we speak on behalf of the entire nation when we say that if your boobs shrivelling away to nothing is what it’ll take for you to stop wanging them about in the mistaken belief that they’re somehow erotic, then we’re going to start campaigning for you never to eat again. Current Big Brother betting odds – 33/1

Tomorrow – Big Brother betting odds for Lisa, Rachel, Stuart, Rex and Mikey. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

That’s no fun. That’s not what we want at all. So thank heavens for Mario, who was evicted from Big Brother on Friday and steadfastly refused to understand that people dislike him for being a hopeless David Brent clone with zero self-awareness about what a prick he is. Mario, you truly are a hero. Don’t go changing. OK, maybe change a bit…

With Mario gone, who’ll win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds to win for Belinda, Mohamed, Maysoon, Sara and Rebecca, with help from Paddy Power…

Belinda – We don’t think Belinda should be evicted from Big Brother, you know. We think someone should build a cannon, stuff Belinda into it, fire her into space and splatter her against the surface of the moon. Because if that’s what it takes to stop her from walking around the Big Brother house going “BYA ZJAH DWOO WHEY SCHWOO” like a sunshine-warped vinyl copy of It Ain’t Necessarily So recorded by a serial killer on death row as his last request, then so be it. But Belinda doesn’t just relentlessly scat – no, there’s much more to her than that. She also only wears black and white to show solidarity to, um, black and white people – cruelly ignoring the browns and the yellows, the bitch – and she snores. Oh, she snores. That’s why everyone will nominate her this week. But please, let’s keep Belinda in for a few more weeks. There’ll be more fights that way. Current Big Brother betting odds – 100/1

Mohamed – For a second a few weeks ago you thought Mohamed was getting exciting, didn’t you? When he inadvertently kickstarted the biggest fight of Big Brother so far and then cried so intensely that you thought he had all kinds of hidden depths to him? Well, you’re wrong. Mohamed has gone back to doing nothing. Literally nothing. He isn’t even eating to excess any more. He isn’t even liked or disliked any more – Mohamed is just there, like dust or that mole you’re thinking about getting removed in case it goes bad. Pfff. Current Big Brother betting odds – 66/1

Maysoon – Where Mohamed needs a personality because he’s essentially just an incredibly mediocre person, Maysoon doesn’t need anything of the sort. Prior to entering the Big Brother house, Maysoon was a model, you see. And, as we all know, models don’t need to have personalities because they look quite nice. That’s why Maysoon vanished into the background from the instant she stepped foot into the Big Brother house – because she doesn’t do anything, apart from glumly smoke all the time. The other Big Brother housemates have said that they admire Maysoon’s self-assurance, but it isn’t self-assurance at all. Maysoon only radiates quiet calm because mentally she’s constantly trying to work out how to spell the word ‘cat’. Current Big Brother betting odds – 66/1

Sara – No no no. There are currently three Big Brother housemates statistically less likely to win Big Brother than Sara. That’s all wrong – Sara should absolutely be the least likely to win. By a mile. By a million miles. It’s her voice. Her voice and her mouth and her brain. Every time we see Sara breathing in to start talking, a little part of us dies. That’s because we know that what’s bound to follow is going to be the most staggering inane, self regarding tosh that a human is capable of saying, delivered in a violently loud whiny monotone. That always goes up at the end. Please evict Sara, someone. Please. Evict her or wire her jaws shut. One or the other. We’re being serious. Current Big Brother betting odds – 40/1

Rebecca – Of all the eviction-surviving strategies we’ve ever seen on Big Brother, Rebecca drunkenly deciding to chew the face off the house’s resident scrawny geek Luke is perhaps the weirdest. Weirder still, it worked. Lulled in by the promise of a new romance to coo over, the short-sighted Big Brother viewers decided to keep Rebecca in. But that’s such a mistake it isn’t funny. Remember that cover of Heat magazine from last year of Ziggy and Chanelle posing naked together? Imagine a repeat of that featuring Luke and Rebecca. Imagine it. Really imagine hard. That nausea you’re currently feeling? That’s a sign for you to evict Rebecca from Big Brother at the next opportunity. Current Big Brother betting odds – 40/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds for Stuart, Rex, Lisa, Rachel and Mikey. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

We didn’t see either of those two coming – we wouldn’t have predicted Jennifer’s eviction despite her gigantic unpopularity, and even though the arrival of the three new housemates had been widely reported for ages all over the place, we just didn’t expect that either. What major surprise is next? Will Mario say something that’s kind of dickish? Who knows?

We’ll be discussing the new Big Brother housemates over the course of this week’s betting odds, so we’d better get going – here are the Big Brother betting odds for Rebecca, Lisa, Maysoon, Mohamed and Stuart, with help from Paddy Power…

Rebecca – Rebecca apparently considers herself to be an ‘exhibitionist’, which is a polite way of saying that she gets her tits out and shrieks a lot. But over the last week in the Big Brother house, Rebecca has tipped over from ‘exhibitionist’ to ‘flat-out shitbag’. She’s smashed stuff, she’s chopped up people’s clothes and she’s screamed abuse at anyone who’s happened to stumble into her line of sight – all in the slightly moronic belief that it’s entertaining. And it’s clearly worked, which is why Big Brother housemates and viewers alike are desperate to evict Rebecca at the first possible opportunity. Her inevitable eviction will be bittersweet, though – true, we won’t have to listen to her deafening squawking for an hour every day, but she’ll almost definitely have her norks out in Nuts within a fortnight. Yeesh. Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Lisa – Why are Lisa’s Big Brother betting odds always so terrible? We honestly can’t understand it – more than anyone, Lisa is like the Big Brother mother figure this year, and nobody seems to dislike her. And yet for some reason she doesn’t stand a hope in hell of winning Big Brother. Why is this? Is it because we as a society are systematically rejecting matriarchs as a sort of subconscious response to the current economic climate? Or is it because she’s got giant hands and actually shaves her own face? Yeah, it’s probably that. Current Big Brother betting odds – 66/1

Maysoon – Disappointed. We were promised that one of the new Big Brother girls would be the star of a famous advert. We were absolutely certain that she’d be the little dead kid from the ‘If you hit me at 40mph’ road safety adverts, but no. Instead we got Maysoon, an exhausted-looking girl who’s apparently been in a Lynx advert. We don’t think we’ve seen that particular advert because we’re sure if we’d seen Maysoon we’d have sat bolt upright and declared “Goodness! What’s an unusually tired-looking girl like that doing in a commercial for schoolboy deodorant?” Anyway, everyone hates Maysoon because, in her Big Brother intro tape, she only talked about how pretty she was, which is a) not very clever and b) not very true. Current Big Brother betting odds – 50/1

Mohamed – When Big Brother housemates survive evictions, it tends to affect their self-confidence. Bolstered by the knowledge that people actually like them, they develop a kind of cocky bulletproof swagger. Not Mohamed though. Since he was saved from Big Brother eviction a week and a bit ago, Mohamed has slowly retreated into his shell, to the point where he literally hasn’t done a single thing of any worth for a day or two now. He might have his eye on new Australian Angelina Jolie Big Brother housemate, so it’ll be fun watching him get spectacularly shot to pieces, but other than that it looks as though Mohamed is settling in for a long stint at the head-down factory. Which should be fun. Current Big Brother betting odds – 40/1

Stuart – Forget threatening to kill fellow Big Brother housemates or spitting in their faces, if there’s one thing that Big Brother should remove housemates for it should be quoting John Lennon songs in a hamfisted effort to get into a girl’s knickers. It’s been scientifically proven that anyone who didn’t growl “Oh fuck off you bright orange dickwipe” when Stuart sighed “All you need is love: John Lennon” to Jennifer last week no longer qualifies as human. Stuart is clearly a prize bellend and he deserves some sort of superficial temporary mutilation for that alone, but we’re willing to forgive him if he starts to exclusively express himself via the medium of John Lennon song titles. And we might even vote for him if he manages to interrupt a conversation with an oversincere, pseudo-profound “Woman is the nigger of the world: John Lennon.” Current Big Brother betting odds – 33/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds for Dale, Sara, Belinda, Mario and Rachel. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.