We get the feeling that Ellen DeGeneres does, because she’s just been named as the new face of CoverGirl. That’s right. Ellen DeGeneres. Not Ellen’s beautiful former model of a girlfriend Portia De Rossi. Ellen DeGeneres. She’s the new face of CoverGirl. That letter was definitely addressed to her. Not Portia. Her. Shut up.

Actually, we’re just kidding. Ellen DeGeneres is going to make a perfect face of CoverGirl. What’s more, the CoverGirl job is going to look just great on Ellen’s modelling portfolio, alongside her shoots as the face of Northumbria NHS Trust’s colorectal unit and her brief stint as Miss Frozen Animal Tripe 1995.

For all our jokes, we actually like Ellen DeGeneres. In fact, it’s safe to say that if were American and unemployed, then The Ellen DeGeneres Show would definitely be the thing we’d watch to distract us from the crushing misery of our horrible lives.

The show seems to have worked out well for Ellen DeGeneres as well. Because of it she got to host the Oscars, managed to pick up a girlfriend who’s so far out of her league that it barely seems possible and accidentally abuse her position of power by inadvertently causing her viewers to send death threats to animal hospice workers.

But that’s not the best part, because the show has also meant that Ellen DeGeneres now gets to be a model. A proper model for a real cosmetics firm. Ellen recently told the audience of her show that she’s the new face of CoverGirl, which sounds impressive even though we don’t really know what that means. People reports:

“I am the new face of CoverGirl.” Striking an exaggerated model-like pose, DeGeneres then explains, “That’s the first thing they teach you when you’re a CoverGirl.” With her commercials for the makeup giant due to be shot soon and then debut after the first of the year, DeGeneres says, “We were going to let you know [in January], but somehow people found out about it.”

It’s a shame that a handful of internet losers had to go and spoil the big surprise, isn’t it. Imagine if CoverGirl had managed to keep it a secret right up until the big reveal in January – what a reaction they’d have got! It would have basically been the exact same feeble shrug you gave a minute ago when you realised that Ellen DeGeneres was going to be the new face of CoverGirl… but in January! It would have been classic, really.

But anyway, this could really be the start of something big for Ellen DeGeneres. By landing a modelling job at CoverGirl, she’s joining an exalted group of beauties who’ve also worked for the company including Christie Brinkley, Brandy and Drew Barrymore.

Obviously that means that Ellen DeGeneres needs to up her game immediately if she wants to fit in with that group. We suggest that Ellen goes out today and either starts a car crash that kills someone, becomes a teenage cocaine addict or marries someone who spends $3000 a month on pornography. She wouldn’t want to let the company down, would she.

In fact, 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has got quite the wishlist when it comes to her boyfriends. Firstly you can’t be intimidated by Miley Cyrus’ fame and wealth. Secondly you have to be as gormlessly God-fearing as she is. And thirdly, if you’re so much older than her that it’s a little bit creepy and you use your body as a sexual object for a living, then that’s great too.

So, with that in mind, say hello to Miley Cyrus’ new boyfriend – he’s Justin Gaston, he’s 20 years old and he’s an underwear model. If this hasn’t ended in tears by this time next year, then we’re afraid we’ll have to go away and question everything we thought we knew about the universe.

There was always one girl at school with a boyfriend who was much older than her, wasn’t there. And he was always a bit creepy looking, covered from head to toe in coldsores, had a logic-defying speech impediment, smelt like dirty petrol and was basically an episode of Jeremy Kyle in the making.

Now, we’re obviously not comparing Miley Cyrus to the girl from school just because she’s got an older boyfriend. That would be ridiculous. Miley Cyrus doesn’t even go to school.

But apart from that, who knows. You see, Miley Cyrus has found love with a chap called Justin Gaston. And it seems like they’re still at that adorable stage where they’re just finding out their differences. For instance, Justin Gaston is old enough to vote and Miley Cyrus isn’t even old enough to drive, Justin Gaston has brown hair and Miley Cyrus’ hair is closer to auburn, Justin Gaston is an adult and Miley Cyrus is a child. You know, stuff like that. It’s romantic.

But despite all these many, many superficial differences, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston do share a couple of very important things in common. Firstly, their love of music is profound and almost spiritual and if flows throw them like the essence of life itself. And secondly, they both love jigging around in their pants for photographers.

Miley Cyrus you know about – she’s worn an inappropriately small amount of clothes on the cover of a glossy magazine and more internet photos than you can shake a stick at. But Justin Gaston does it just as much, too – he’s an underwear model, you know.

How has Billy Ray Cyrus responded to the news that his 15-year-old little girl has started seeing a 20-year-old who never wears any trousers? Simple – he’s dragged everyone down to church, as People reports:

On Sunday, Justin Gaston, a model and aspiring country singer, attended church in Pasadena, Calif., with the Hannah Montana star and her family. According to Cyrus’s rep, Gaston, 20, is “a friend from Nashville… He’s visiting L.A. for the week.” A source close to Miley says, “They’ve been spending a lot of time together while he’s in town.”

Of course church is the best place to take Miley and Justin. Everybody knows that taking your little girl’s older boyfriend to church is the best way to keep everyone on the straight and narrow. Unless your daughter is Jamie Lynn Spears or Bristol Palin, that is, but let’s ignore them.

We will say one thing to Justin Gaston, though – don’t you dare go round playing with little Miley Cyrus’ heart. Not because we’re worried that you’ll upset her, you see. It’s just, if you do, she’s easily rich enough to have you killed.

Yes, it would seem that the relationship that had been hyped as ‘the love of the century’ – we may be making that one up – has gone the way of the perennially single Dodo, as Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have reportedly broken up.

Try to fight back the tears, we’re sure Jennifer is managing to. Especially seeing as she’s now getting her thang on with some kind of model man from Britney Spears‘ Toxic video.

At least that’s more interesting than a nobody in a band, who seems to automatically screw any celebrity woman inhabiting a three-mile radius of his penis. We mean like John Mayer, if you weren’t paying attention.

But what was it that pushed the couple that we expected to marry within about four seconds over the edge? Was it a fist fight? A brutal assault? Endless verbal sparring that created as much sexual tension as it did pure, unadulterated rage? Well, no, not really. He couldn’t commit to her.

Of all the ruddy rubbish reasons women get fed…

But not only is that something that people have picked up on or overheard, it’s actually been put out there by one of our favourite things – a ’source’ – who made these claims:

“John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved.

“Contrary to reports, Jennifer didn’t want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together. She also wanted him to assure her he would cut down his tours in the future when they did eventually have children.”

It’s probably not the kind of thing you really want ‘out there’ in medialand now, is it? The fact that on one side you have a man incapable of settling down and on the other you have what very well seems to be a mental bint, hell bent on carefully planning the rest of your life for you before you’re even past 30 – well, it doesn’t help the image of either party, frankly.

Though let’s be honest, it makes Rachel come off worse, so we’re guessing the source was probably Mayer’s mum. On the other hand, maybe with Aniston’s succession of very public failed romances, it may well be true? She could well be something of a psycho harpy, for all we know.

We’ll have to see how the model man reacts – maybe she’ll demand he has to stop being attractive within a six month timeframe, just to keep the POA on schedule and to make sure he’s home to impregnate her on command.

All the while John Mayer is sure to be spreading his dull, uninspiring seed around whichever backwater towns he feels the need to tour in – but hey, at least he’ll be happy that he isn’t under the cosh any more, and at least a few more people actually know who he is since his relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

And as a result they know exactly why they should ignore the dull waste of skin.

X17 is the picture agency that first published reports – along with text messages apparently proving it – that Tony Parker had slept with Alexandra Paressant after meeting her for the first time at his own wedding, partly because he was fed up about Eva Longoria yammering on about how sperm gives you acne all the time. But Tony Parker denies having sex with – or even ever meeting – this model so strenuously that he's after $40 million in damages.

Incidentally, if $40 million is the going rate for not having sex with models that you've never met, then we've estimated that we're owed roughly all the money in the whole wide world. Cash is fine. Or a cheque. Or food. Scraps of food. We're so hungry. Anyone?

When you're married to someone like Eva Longoria, as Tony Parker is, there's no need to cheat. With Eva Longoria you get to see that legendary cameltoe in its actual size instead of blown up so huge that the cosmonauts can see it, plus you get to experience that world-famous irritating narcissistic rasp all day, every day, non-stop, all the time until the day you die. Why would you even bother looking elsewhere?

Tony Parker knows that you definitely wouldn't, not at all, especially with French models that he's never even met before. But that didn't stop X17's website from publishing an interview with French model Alexandra Paressant where she claimed to have had a two-month affair with Tony Parker that started when Thierry Henry introduced the pair at Tony's wedding and ended when she discovered he was cheating on her with a third woman.

Alexandra Paressant also claimed that Eva Longoria doesn't like having sex in front of a mirror and thinks sperm gives you acne. Which it apparently does, as a sperm expert told us.

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have already denied these claims – about the affair, not the jizz-acne – but now Tony Parker has taken things one step further, by suing X17 for $40 million over it. In the lawsuit, Tony Parker claims he doesn't even know who Alexandra Paressant is:

"This is false. It never happened. And X17 had to know that the story was false, or, at the very least, it had to have entertained serious doubts about the credibility of its supposed source. No one from X17 attempted to contact Mr. Henry, who … would have told them in no uncertain terms that this woman was not at the wedding. If this woman exists, he has no way of knowing whether she is one of the many fans who have, from time to time, managed to obtain his cell phone number and called or left messages or who may have engaged him in conversation."

So Tony Parker must be fairly certain that he didn't have a two-month affair with a French model, in which case good for him. This blistering denial will only help to keep his marriage to Eva Longoria rock-solid, or at least as rock-solid as a marriage can be when your wife is a self-absorbed midget with a voice like a toy dog impersonating a machine gun.

Read more:

Parker Sues Web Site That Claimed Affair – Associated Press 

It has been reported that Tony Parker was sleeping with Paressant behind Eva Longoria's back for two months after meeting her at his own wedding. X17, which broke the story, also claims to have a number of text messages that Tony Parker sent Alexandra Paressant – and in in French too, the dirty bugger. However, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have issued a statement saying that the story is completely untrue, and that Eva Longoria would leave Tony Parker instantly if she ever discovered he'd been cheating on her.

Or she'd stick with him for the rest of his life – whichever one would be more likely to send him into a painful wibbling meltdown. Probably the second one.

If you were married to Eva Longoria, you'd be a fool to cheat on her. After all, it isn't a mistake that Eva Longoria was deemed sexy enough to flash her cameltoe to the universe last year. So, maybe you'd look back on your single days with a certain degree of fondness, or perhaps try to knock her head off with the back of a shovel just to stop the incessant self-absorbed yip yip yip that pours out of it ten to the dozen 24 hours a day, but actually cheat on Eva Longoria? No.

However, a French model is claiming that that's exactly what Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker has been doing. Alexandra Paressant, who was introduced to Tony Parker by Thierry Henry at his wedding to Eva Longoria, claims that she had a two-month sexual relationship with Parker that ended when she discovered that he was cheating on her with a third woman. Not only that, but Alexandra Paressant also claims that Tony Parker blabbed all about Eva Longoria's sexual foibles too. According to Paressant:

"He said that Eva, sexually speaking, does not want to do certain things. She does not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like [a] certain position and thinks that sperm gives acne."

Sperm gives acne? Really? But we thought sperm cured acne! To think, we chugged that thee-litre bottle of it for nothing a decade ago. Still, at least Eva Longoria didn't disprove the old 'wiping fresh animal turds into your eyes cures short-sightedness' story, or we'd be in real trouble.

But anyway, apparently there are text messages that back up Alexandra Paressant's story, but forging text messages is so easy that even a monkey could do it these days.

And, for what it's worth, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are denying the story completely. According to People:

"I love my wife," Parker said in a statement to PEOPLE. "She's the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier." Longoria, who took Parker's name this year after their July nuptials, added, "Tony has been nothing short of the perfect husband." 

OK, maybe not a denial as such, but you get the idea. Not that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have a spotless relationship, of course. Before they were married Eva and Tony briefly split up following claims that she'd been cheating on him with AC Slater from Saved By The Bell, only to get back together a couple of days later.

So what's the truth here? It's not unknown for famous wives of sports stars to stick with their husbands after they've cheated, but at the same time nobody really seems to know who this Alexandra Paressant – and since she's pretty and French there's every chance she's made it all up to get a little bit more famous.

All we can hope, then, is that Eva Longoria looks inside herself and does the right thing. The right thing, of course, being to shut up for once just to give our ears a bit of rest for one blissful second.

Read more:

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker Smack Down Rumors of Affair – People 

And all this has made Janice Dickinson thin. Not only that, but it's turned Janice Dickinson into a sort of fat-fairy who can twinkle into any room, wiggle her wand and declare that people are either fat or thin depending on nothing more than how she feels at any given moment in time. And, as such, Janice Dickinson has just told the world that Tyra Banks is fat on the Today show. Although Tyra Banks has yet to respond to Janice's fat claim, it's thought that she'll issue a statement by teatime declaring that Janice Dickinson lives in a cardboard box, has fleas and buys all her clothes from Asda.

That's unless she eats it first, the lardy moo.

God, we'd love to be models. Sadly our pallid skin, greenish teeth and aversion to vomiting up every meal we ever eat means we'll probably never get to live that dream, but what a dream it is. If you're a model you get to travel the world looking gaunt and never thinking about anything more challenging than lovely frocks for fear that your brain will burst into flames and – if you're really lucky – you get to knob Pete Doherty. That's the lifestyle we want, damnit!

Oh, also models get to sneer at everyone else in the world because several ancestral genetic flukes have left them with a lucratively withered face and jutted-out ribcage while the rest of us are all slightly paunchy in places. And some of them – like Janice Dickinson – can even sneer at other models for being fat when they clearly aren't anything of the sort.

Janice Dickinson has threatened to kick-start a war of words with Tyra Banks after she called her fat on the Today show yesterday. While discussing Jennifer Love-Hewitt, who was recently pictured on the beach with buttocks so dimply they could be used as novelty peanut dispensers, Janice Dickinson said:

"Jennifer Love Hewitt is a healthy, not emaciated woman. She is a healthy girl. These are unflattering camera angles on her. You want to see someone fat, I'm sorry, Tyra, Tyra Banks is fat!"  

Janice Dickinson's words might seem to you like nothing more than a vaguely childish playground taunt, but they words will cut much deeper for Tyra Banks. Firstly, for a former supermodel to call another former supermodel fat is the third-biggest insult in the trade – after 'Are they split-ends?' and 'Oh my God, did you just, like, actually digest some food?' – and also Tyra Banks already knows she's fat, thank you.

Tyra Banks has such a weird obsession about her weight fluctuations that every third episode of her daytime TV show is devoted to either wearing a fat-suit to understand what being fat is like, shouting angrily into cameras about why people shouldn't call her fat or standing about in a bikini screaming "Worship me! I am a fraction of one percent less fat than I was a month ago!"  

And now Janice Dickinson has just fuelled the fire of Tyra Banks' weight-based neuroses even further with her remarks. While we await Tyra's inevitable public reply – which we assume will either be an outraged monologue on her TV show or a slow slide into weepingly inert Krispy Kreme dependency – perhaps Janice Dickinson should take some time to look at her own behaviour.

After all, Janice Dickinson is one of the lucky ones – we can't all look like a knotted-up sheet of dried-out pigskin, you know.

Read more:

Janice Dickinson: "Tyra Banks Is Fat!" - OK! 

Because it's a little-known fact that to be a model you also have to have several first-class degrees from the world's finest universities in everything from logical empiricism to advanced economic studies otherwise it doesn't count.

Luckily Gisele Bundchen has all of these qualifications and is therefore eminently capable of delivering sweeping statements about the condition of the world's currency markets whenever she feels like it. And that's what Gisele has done – she doesn't want to be paid in dollars ever again, partly over fears of its stability and partly because she probably overheard a bloody fashion designer's assistant say that coins are so last season and that seashells will be the must-have denomination once.

There is never anything quite as heartbreaking as when models get above their stations. Their role in life is to walk up and down a plank of wood dressed as a parrot or something so that people who'd start wearing baby intestines around their necks if a magazine told them it's what people are doing in Milan can stroke their chins and pretend they know what the fuck is going on.

That's what models do, and they can become hugely rich from doing it. But it's when models try to do other things that you should worry. When Cindy Crawford decided to become an actress she made Fair Game and was never heard of again, while thinking about stuff other than clothes and haircuts overwhelmed Naomi Campbell's brain to such an alarming degree that she started throwing telephones through people's skulls out of confused anger. And then there's Gisele.

Gisele Bundchen is currently the top-earning supermodel in the world, and yet in between her busy schedule of standing around in some red trousers for a while and then standing around in some green trousers for a while, Gisele has managed to decide that she never wants to be paid in American dollars again because she's concerned about the continued weakening of the dollar in the global marketplace. Or something.

It's been reported that when she signed a deal with Proctor & Gamble in the summer, Gisele demanded to paid in Euros – something apparently reiterated by her sister/manager Patricia Bundchen, who said:

"Contracts starting now are more attractive in euros because we don't know what will happen to the dollar."

And quite right too – not only are Euros more colourful than dollars, they're also smaller, meaning that you can fit more of them into your chichi Ripani handbag when you're meeting the girls for a night of pushing a single salad leaf around a plate and then vomiting the one molecule you actually put in your mouth back up into a toilet.

However, Gisele's move has predictably been taken as a personal insult by the sort of ultra-patriotic Americans who cry when people mention metric measurements and go home and curse for an hour whenever they see someone driving a Volkswagen instead of a three-mile-wide Cadillac that needs a billion gallons of fuel to get it to move half an inch. They're now calling for Gisele's American contracts to be cancelled and given to willing American models, like Barbara Walters or that Miss USA who took all that cocaine and shagged those blokes a bunch of times.

But you know what? Good for Gisele. She's proving that models are capable of intelligent thought, and it's thanks to her that we're following suit. We don't want to be paid in dollars any more either. Or Euros, for that matter. Or any kind of money at all. In fact, from now on we're only going to work for scraps of food. Scraps of food. Please. Anyone? We're so hungry.