Do you have a dog? Word to the wise – no-one actually cares. It’s your stupid, gristle-munching crap-factory and no-one else wants to deal with it outside of occasional petting of it when we have to visit your fur covered home that smells like dog’s teeth.

That’s because dogs are stupid. They’re impressively stupid. They walk into things, frighten themselves when flatulent and will forever be fooled by someone pretending to throw a ball for them. Dogs, in short, are idiots.

With that, someone ought to tell Eva Mendes who is ten shades of thrilled that she talks to her dog in French and is bowled over that it knows what she’s on about. Or rather, it has no idea.

Talking to those bright folks at Marie Claire about a stupid hound, Mendes says:

“It sounds so pretentious, but he learned his commands in French.”

Are we’re supposed to coo and whoop because, as well you know, when a celebrity has a dog, we have to care like they’ve had a baby (which we also don’t care about).

Se, Mendes brought a Belgian Malinois and called it Hugo. That doesn’t matter though. She could’ve called it ‘Bestiality’ or ‘Spadooey’ or a low guttural howl, and it would’ve eventually answered to it. Either way, Hugo was apparently ”rather intimidating”, yet, instantly obeyed Mendes’s orders for him to lie down or ‘act stupid’.

This awful, wretched beast has also bought her dog a beeper-controlled behavior-modification collar, whatever that means.

And so, Hugo talks French, mainly because Mendes talks French at it. You could grab a puppy and shout ‘testicles’ at it while presenting its lead and, HEY PRESTO! It will be under the impression that the medical word for balls means it will be going for a walk.

You could shout “Sie lassen mich sich erbrechen wünschen!” at a dog while pointing at the cupboard where you keep the food, and lo! It will think that the unpleasant German phrase means its dinnertime!

In short – people who talk about dogs should be punched up the arse. Forever.

Imagine being Kate Moss. What do you do with your life? You stand around in a variety of clothes, which people hang off your bony frame and generally lord it up like you have an actual talent other than your genetic make-up.

Despite a clear lack of anything worthwhile, other than being sufficiently bland enough not to distract people from the garments you’re wearing, that still doesn’t mean you can’t act like a pompous, deserving buffoon.

And that’s exactly what’s happening as Kate Moss has revealed that she isn’t keen on interacting with her admirers on Twitter. Basically, you plebs don’t deserve her musings.

The supermodel would never sign up for a twitter account.

“I couldn’t think of anything worse than people knowing what I’m doing all the time. I just don’t understand it. I don’t get it at all. Why would anybody want to know? I try to be the opposite, so people don’t know anything that I’m doing. I don’t want people to know anything!”

Perhaps people wouldn’t want to know what you’re getting up to. Maybe people would like to see what you’re like beneath that hallow veneer? Maybe people would like to view you like you’re an approachable human-being, rather than some odious twerp, forever hiding behind the velvet rope of stardom?

Apparently, this isn’t the case though.

“Just to go into a shop without getting stared at would be nice. I mean, I don’t walk around like, ‘Oh, I’m famous’ – I try to live as normal a life as possible – but sometimes it’s a bit annoying. It’s fine; it’s not a massive problem, but sometimes it’s just a bit uncomfortable”

“You can’t be ‘poor me’ about it – it’s not the worst thing in the world, but sometimes it’s a bit uncomfortable.”

With insight like that, perhaps we’re all better off without Moss’ twitter dribblings?

Model and subject of Billy Joel’s ‘Uptown Girl’, Christie Brinkley, has been handed a really quite special tax bill by the US government. How special? Over half a million dollars special. She must’ve missed the 90,000 letters they sent to her house reminding her, eh?

The exact figure, if you’re the kind of person who just loves an exact figure, is an impressive $531,720.

Looks like she’s going to have to do some work to pay that off. Basically, that means we can expect to see her in some awful reality TV show.

Of course, this is spare change to Christie. In 2008, she was estimated to be worth around $80 million. Weirdly enough, she has been working.

She starred as Roxie Hart in the West End production of Chicago this summer and is planning to launch her own skincare range with the help of former L’Oreal chief executive Jim Morrison.

No. Not that Jim Morrison.

So basically, you can stop fretting about the financial state of Brinkley because she’s probably got half-a-mil down the backs of her hundreds of settees in her numerous homes around the world.

And all because she appeared on the cover of the 1979 Sports Illustrated swimwear issue and had a dumb song written about her, latterly covered by Westlife.

Gah. It’s so hard being a gigantically wealthy celebrity, right?

Next week: Anthony Costa seen asking for ’10p to phone a mate’ outside Wandsworth Sainsbury’s.

Damn it. DAMN IT. Daisy Lowe and Matt Smith have only gone and split up! And broken each other’s hearts and stopped putting aromatic lotions on each other! And frittered away 18 months of honing the beauty of a perfectly entwined soul that came as one when once their eyes first met at presumably a GQ event, but not that that matters, because minor details are futile when you think of the devotion and unity that two people can sha…

Okay, we’re faffing. Not the time to faff, clearly.

So, alright. This has happened. This has happened, and now we have to deal with it. Well, we know what you want. You want the official statement to try and understand why this has happened.  WHY? Why NOW, so close to Christmas?  Why now, so soon after the emotional minefield of Olly Murs’ Children in Need video?

And here’s the other thing – there IS no official statement.

No, we’re not kidding. Why would we joke? Do you think this is funny? Do you think journalism is funny? Well –  it’s not funny. If it was funny, Max Clifford would buy a Babylis Crazy Braid, we’d all just go mental and spell it JURNOLIZUM, and nobody would think their murdered daughter might have come back from the dead, right?

RIGHT.

Alright, fine. No official statement. No biggie. Let’s just piece together what we do know, and try and get a little brainstorming session going. What we DO know, is that a very honest gentleman and founder of very very VERY deeply routed friendship with Matt Smith, whom we only know as, A. Source, (Let’s call him Adolpho, which means ‘Noble Wolf’ in German, for the sake of ease) has reluctantly divulged:

“‘Whenever engagement and marriage was mentioned he was uncomfortable. He’s still a young man and the thought of being tied down was a lot to digest.”

But Adolpho! What about Nietzsche? You know, when he was all “There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness?”  Or when Ed Sheernan said ‘Cos all the HEROIN is making you age, but you’re a HEROINE for taking the strain of being a prostitute and punching bag?‘

Exactly. What Ed and Nietzsche are basically saying here, Adolpho, is that sometimes love is hard, but does that really warrant ceasing to hand bang Daisy Lowe? No, Adolpho, it does not.

Alas, this is exactly what has happened. So, as the old saying goes: If you can’t beat them, cobble together some derogatory quips about the demise of two people who once probably held each other in their arms and we’re genuinely happy – via the process of DAMN GOOD PUNS!

DAMN GOOD PUNS!

Doctor Ooh. That’s a shame.

The Sun went with ‘Sex-terminate.’

We’re fine.

Doctor Who has always been a quirkfest, with machines that don’t work properly, stupidly long scarves, baddies that look like bits of tinfoil and something preposterously called ‘a sonic screwdriver’.

Really, The Doctor is, of all the heroes, the most nauseatingly twee. He’ll be playing a bloody ukulele next. A sonic ukulele no doubt.

Anyway, thank frig the Americans have shown up to save this sorry franchise with some razzle and dazzle. That’s right! America will be getting their hands on Doctor Who and making the explosions bigger, the Doctor more handsome, throwing in a sex scene or two and making him have a proper spaceship as opposed to a stupid telephone box. WHO EVEN USES TELEPHONE BOXES ANYMORE? HAVEN’T THE WRITERS HEARD OF MOBILE PHONES?

Apparently, the Time Lord will be Tinselised by Harry Potter director David Yates who is planning to build a movie franchise around the Dr. Who series.

Harry Potter? That was stupid tweedery as well! But fear not!

Yates says:

“We’re looking at writers now. We’re going to spend two to three years to get it right. It needs quite a radical transformation to take it into the bigger arena.”

A radical transformation! No we’re talking!

Let us hope that K-9 ends up looking like Mechagodzilla, the Tardis ends up looking like an X Wing Fighter, only with bigger guns and that all of the Time Lord’s stupid magic wands are replaced by an arsenal that would make this guy blush…

Basically, the above clip is what the Doctor Who movie should really be aiming for. Fine, fine, fine, the Doctor can still be a super-intelligent humanoid alien who travels through time being sarcastic to everyone, but lets get someone who looks like they could punch a giant hole in a truck!

Matt Smith is not that man. This is the role where Arnold Schwarzenegger can make his Hollywood comeback! It’s perfect! MAKE THIS HAPPEN HOLLYWOOD!

And we don’t have to worry about existing storylines and the like because Yates has promised that he’ll be ‘starting from scratch’.

We might even get some decent baddies too! DALEKS THAT DON’T NEED A DISABILITY RAMP TO GET UPSTAIRS! Oh man, Hollywood. You’re brilliant.

Like World War II, they have come to save our bacon once again!

(Keep Karen Gillan in though, eh?)

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To be a successful female in modern America, you have to release records that are edgy, oozing with sex and somehow able to offend various subsections of society or else you’re just old fashioned.

Rihanna constantly tells us how she likes to engage in adult activities, Lady Gaga likes to dress up as meat and Beyonce likes to fake pregnancies (if the mentalist rumours are true). So where does Nicki Minaj fit in?

Some say she bypasses all of the above shock factors and does an alright job of reinventing female rap. Previously, Nicki Minaj upset America when her right boob popped out to say hello. Now conservative types will probably get into a fluster as she prepares to release new songs as a gender bender.

People have cottoned on to the fact that controversy sells. Frankie Cocozza will probably be offered a record deal based solely on his hair and the fact he has amazingly tall hair, drinks booze and wears jeans that are so skinny, they have begun to disappear up his own hole.

So what’s the story with Nicki Minaj?

Well, something posted on her website (since removed) said:

“Roman will be in rare form this time. You know why? Cuz he no longer gives a fuck. He realises that his core matters the most. Everyone else will figure it the fuck out. He can no longer be censored. That’s not Lewinsky on a$$. It’s Roman. He has 2 more weeks in boarding school. We’re going to pick him up now. When he lands, he will address the nation in the form of music. He will announce the date.”

Don’t worry if you can’t make head or tail of that. We’re here to help.

Basically, Nicki Minaj has an alter ego, gay BFF called Roman Zolanski. We’ve no idea how that’ll work though, and more to the point, Minaj has missed a trick.

Instead of creating a gay alter ego, we would have liked to see Nicki creating a character who was an actual Roman. Imagine him racing around in a golden chariot wearing nothing more than a leather studded loin cloth, beads of sweat dripping down his hard chiselled stomach, whipping the crapola out of his stallions and pounding out raps that seduce you into his mercy.

Honestly, why aren’t we creative consultants to anyone?

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Drake is one of the world’s most hyped rappers on the planet despite releasing lame song after lame song. And his latest album, Take Care, has been delayed, presumably because it’s so poor that it’s hiding under the stairs, surrounded by people trying to cajole it outside.

As a teaser for just how lame it is, a new song called Make Me Proud featuring Nicki Minaj, has been leaked.

Yes, you can hear it over the jump and yes, Drizzy (when will this ‘izzy/’eezy thing end?) showcases rap in the style of The Little Book Of Calm. Again.

Talking about his lame process of making wet songs, Drake says:

“Whenever I make songs surrounding women, I always try to find refreshing stances to take as opposed to just like, ‘Oh, you’re sexy’ or ‘Oh, I want you.’ The song, it really came up in passing conversation, just being like, ‘I’m proud of you’.”

“Not even necessarily that a woman has to go achieve grandiose things to be proud; it’s just that I’m proud of you for trying. It’s hard to be a woman out here these days, especially to be pretty and especially to be smart and want something for yourself. So I’m just proud of you whether it’s Nicki or any girl that I’ve ever known in my life that’s doing well for herself.”

Did you hear that? Did it make you puke?

This song actually states at one point that Drake is proud of a woman who has just had a shower. Seriously. He’s proud of womenfolk because they are able to stand under water for a short period. Astonishing.

He’s not finished being a huge drip either.

He’s pushed back the release date for Take Care to give him more time to clear some samples. Talking like a trainee priest, he says:

“I do apologize for the delay but I promise that it is only for the benefit of our experience together”

Christ. Anyway, listen to Make Me Proud and get the sick bucket ready.

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Even though she’s got a body like the underside of a giant tortoise’s varnished stomach, Jodie Marsh is very happy with her new bodybuilder look. Very happy. Very, very happy.

In fact, Jodie ‘Oh Jesus Christ, It’s Like The Cuprinol Man Came To Life!’ Marsh is saying… with a completely straight face… that she’s feeling more attractive than ever.

Yes really.

Seeing as Jodie used to be a glamour model (now a woman clearly broken by the battle with Jordan/Katie Price/The Woman Who Made Peter Andre Cry), we should take note of her views on beauty. If anyone knows about all that, then it’s Jodie ‘Looks Like A Condom Full Of Conkers’ Marsh.

So now, we’ll all be wanting to look just like her, right?

Well, to achieve this look, we must follow her diet of egg whites and protein shakes while hitting the gymnasium, constantly.

Soon, we will all look like broken sideboards!

Says Jodie, with her massively muscular lower mandible:

‘I’m the prettiest I’ve ever looked’

‘If you’re not in the bodybuilding world it is scary, but to me it’s normal.

‘I think I still look really feminine.’

Jodie Marsh there, with her penis waggling around. And she’s going to keep this up. This isn’t some flight of fancy. Nosireebob!

‘I feel proud when I look in the mirror’

‘I still can’t believe it’s my body. Like, when I look at my abs, I’m just like, f*cking hell, I love it so much!’

Hands up if you can’t believe it either.

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You. You’ve thought about dying. Of course you have. You’re a pathetic excuse for a human. Look at you. You’re an embarrassment compared to your friends with their careers, savings, mortgages and stupid pets.

Of course, they’re worthless and resentful as well. They know people doing even better than they are. And this continues all the way to the toppermost of the poppermost, where they tell us, it’s lonely at the top.

And so, the entire human race wants to die. And Nicki Minaj is expecting us to give two hoots about the fact that she wanted to die before she was famous because she’s foolish enough to think that fame will solve her demons. HAHAHA!

Before people started throwing money at her to buy new wigs and such, Nicki Minaj wasn’t having a very good time. She had a life much like the one we’re all currently loitering in.

And it was dark apparently.

*looks around*

Yep. It’s definitely dimmer than someone who is surrounded by neon lights spelling their name.

Nicki says:

“I kept having doors slammed on my face. I felt like nothing was working. I had moved out on my own, and here I was thinking I’d have to go home. It was one dead end after another.

“At one point, I was, like, ‘What would happen if I just didn’t wake up?’ That’s how I felt. Like maybe I should just take my life?”

And if she had, she would’ve been just another vaguely depressing statistic… but alas, we wouldn’t have heard of her, so we wouldn’t care a jot if she’d gone through with it. Sorry.

Alas, while us plebs deal with the fact that our suicide is less-newsworthy than skateboarding dogs and orangutan who have learned to smoke, Nicki’s now just fine.

“I will have put out five albums and will have an Oscar and Grammys. And I will be getting married and, a couple of years after that will have a bun in the oven… My whole life is about being Nicki Minaj now. It’s a never-ending saga.”

A never-ending saga that will end when she’s put our five albums and got married and junk. Great. Will nothing give mortals like us the will to carry on?

No. But here’s a video (we’ve previously shared) which will make you want to die.

No problem.

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That Amanda Knox lass and her apparently non murdering ways have grabbed all the headlines this week. Which is a shame as this whole murder in Perugia fiasco has completely overshadowed the return of Jodie Marsh.

Some new photos of Jodie, the suspected inspiration for BBC 3 smash Snog, Marry, Avoid, have surfaced that show the former glam… OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!

Seriously. Click over the jump for the fright of your life.

That’s right.

Jodie Marsh has gone from a back alley slag with too much fake tan and her knickers around her ankles to…

…well…

…the incredible hulk with too much fake tan and her knickers around her ankles.

Jodie’s apparently been lifting weights for a while in a bid to shed the pounds, but has taken it to the extreme so that she could compete in the Natural Physique Association British Championships.

Although we can’t help but notice that there are two very obvious parts of her physique that aren’t natural.

As ridiculous as she may look now, we can’t help but admire Jodie for her determination to lose weight and get fit for absolutely no prof…

Oh, she’s got a new show out called Jodie Marsh: Bodybuilder? Of course she has, at least it’s better than that time she tried got get married on MTV.

As you were.

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PETA, they’re a pesky bunch aren’t they? Whenever an opportunity arises, you know that one of their weak and feeble members will be around to call you nasty names. Such is their obsession with animal rights; they didn’t see The Human Centipede as a gross-out horror film, but as a powerful documentary showing man continuing to push animal experimentation to the limit.

Here in the hecklerspray bedsit, we bloody love animals. As we sit in our leather chair, we pass the time by playing a jolly song on our ivory piano and flicking cigars into our monkey paw ashtray.

If PETA had it their way, they’d make animals the rulers of the world. Until this happens, we’ll have to put up with them whining for a bit longer. Normally we’d ignore them, but sometimes they hire people to spread their word. This time it’s Kelly Brook who has revealed herself to be part-snake. CAN SHE UNHINGE HER JAW?!

In the UK, we don’t really have any problems with reptiles or amphibians. Because of our awful weather, the poor creatures would die pretty much instantly in the wilderness and then resemble nothing more than a long frozen poo.

The last time that snakes made any impact in our lives was when screen legend Samuel L. Jackson voiced his discomfort about snakes being present on an aeroplane he happened to be on.

And while Samuel L. promptly went about killing as many snakes as he could, like some kind of modern day St Patrick, other celebrities would rather cuddle our limbless chums and join PETA in their crusade of spreading the word about animal rights.

X Factorist Leona Lewis has worked for PETA during their “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur” campaign. Either the head honchos at PETA want the public to realise that the human body is beautiful without a dead animal skin wrapped around them or, as we suspect, they just want to get people naked because they’re massive perverts.

Either way, Kelly Brook has basically been asked to strip off, be painted like a snake and pose for a photo for with the attached caption; “Whose Skin Are You In?” We can safely say that we’re wearing our own, thanks. Kelly said about the campaign:

“It makes my skin crawl to think about the violent ways snakes, lizards, alligators and other exotic creatures are raised and killed for boots, bags and belts.”

Wearing clothes made by children in sweatshops is fine though. Sod humans. They have talking mouths, so they don’t need help like hugely venomous snakes that are really hard to catch.

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How did people entertain themselves in the days before electricity was invented? Imagine life a trillion billion years ago when there was nothing on the planet apart from your fellow human and stupid animals. People actually had to use their brains to amuse themselves, urgh.

Caveman drawings have given a small glimpse into what our ancestors got up to, but there’s one activity that is as popular as it ever was, and it involves the humble nipple.

From self exploration of your own, to nipple twisting someone else’s to cause them pain, its fun for everyone involved. You’d assume that everybody would embrace their bodies and not become overly offended by something they already have. Think again morons, because over in America, the sight of a nipple causes a blazing uproar and during a recent performance for Good Morning America, Nicki Minaj offended everyone. And probably Jebus.

Why is America is so anti nipple, yet doesn’t have a problem with giving away firearms with every tenth purchase in burger joint? Unless Americans have a genetic modification that allows them to fire lasers from their chests and don’t want the world to know about it, then hiding your nips ain’t on.

But it got us thinking – are people just sexist about nipples when it comes to men and women? On the front of beefcake magazines such as Men’s Health, vain and muscular types flex their buff bodies whilst bongo magazines featuring topless housewives are confined to the top shelves which are impossible for us to reach.

But sex indeed sell and women are generally easier on the eye than men. And the very pleasing Nicki Minaj combines the ability of being a decent rapper (listen to her show stealing section in Kanye’s ‘Monster’) and the whole Being A Little Crazy when it comes to outfits which may reveal a little bit too much for some.

It’s because of these sexy outfits that America has requested a system where potential wardrobe malfunctions are combated thanks to a five second broadcast delay.

We assume this is after the unsavoury incident when Janet Jackson exposed her boob during the Superbowl. Of course, parent groups in America need something to complain about on a continual basis, and this is the perfect chance. Some boring person from one such group of meddling spoilsports commented:

“For the umpteenth time in recent memory a morning news show has included inappropriate content for children and families. Instead of asking for forgiveness, they need to stop apologizing and implement the five second delay that so many Americans have been calling for.”

If Nicki Minaj had scrawled something offensive on her bare chest like “Bomb Christianity” then maybe the people complaining would have more of an argument. But crying over a bit of nipple?

Idiots.

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Despite the music industry being in some kind of financial crisis, it doesn’t stop certain artists from flaunting their gargantuan wealth and having wardrobes that are more expensive than absolutely everything in Ireland and Greece combined.

And so, when we need to make an example of them, we try and throw the book at them right? Try and teach them a lesson for having the audacity to be massively successful.

With that, cartoon rap sensation Nicki Minaj has been fined for swearing her way through a performance at a Jamaican music festival. In Jamaica, they don’t like the swearing, but overtly homophobic dancehall records are just fine. So how much did the obscenely wealthy Minaj get slapped with?

If you happen to be internationally successful and cuss cuss your way through a performance, the cops will come and yell at you and demand you start handing over some of your hard earned pennies. A grand total of 1,000 Jamaican dollars! WOWEE! So how much is that in Sterling? Is it, like, a million quid?!

Try £6.90.

That’s right. If you want to deter an international superstar from misbehaving, you need to threaten them with fines that roughly equate to the price of a bottle of Buckfast. Or a 20 pack of smokes.

It goes without saying that the hitmaker completely ignored warnings about profanity fines at the Reggae Sumfest in Montego Bay and delivered swear after swear, safe in the knowledge that she could cover the cost with the money she loses down the back of her sofa.

So small is the amount, that Minaj just sent her lawyer along to court to settle the fine with a guilty plea, which they promptly did with the loose change in their suit pocket.

Next week: Jamaica threaten someone famous with a 30 second stretch in prison for shitting from a balcony on passers-by.

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Kanye West’s ex-gal Amber Rose is in all kinds of trouble at the moment after some very, very explicit pictures leaked online. They weren’t the only things leaking. The model has now been dropped by her bookers and Nicki Minaj might be pretty peeved too.

The images show Rose butt-naked apart from some expensive looking shoes and… well… y’know… sticking things inside her. This, of course, hasn’t gone down well at all with her employees.

But what’s Nicki Minaj got to do with anything? And yes. We have the pictures over the jump you filthy swine.

Rose says:

“The company that I was working with no longer wants to work with me because of these pics and that prevents me from getting money to take care of my family.

“”Its a messed up situation when someone so evil comes into ur life and tries to destroy it. I know I’m not the only girl in the world that has taken pics like that but they were very private. I’m sorry for letting my young Rosebuds down.”

If you haven’t seen the VERY GRAPHIC NSFW PICTURES (we did that in caps so you didn’t miss it), then our chums Holy Moly have the pictures, hoarding them like mucky uncles. Click here. Aaand we’ve lost all of our traffic. Fantastic.

It appears someone who worked for her is responsible.

“I trusted someone that worked 4 me & allowed them to use my laptop a million times, I caught this person sending my pics to themselves and I fired this person immediately Wiz & I & both of our families have known about this for 2 months now. We tried to prepare ourselves for this day.

Rose has had to deny that she was sending these photos to Nicki Minaj’s boyfriend. Apparently, Minaj has even caught the pair in a hotel room together! THE SCANDAL!

Rose is keen to point out that she didn’t send them to Minaj’s beau.

“These blogs do nothing but try to ruin ppls lives I DID NOT send pics to anyones boyfriend pls stop with the lies. Its so ridiculous… yall been doing this to me for 3 years now it shld be illegal to write fake stories about ppl the media never wants to see anyone happy.”

Not one of you heard that because you’re elsewhere, still looking at the pictures aren’t you?

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A man! A man has tried to kill himself! His life has become so unbearably bleak that he stared into the pit of misery and felt compelled to end it, seeing his precious, fragile life as so worthless that it was no longer required to continue, aiming to snuff it out like a flickering flame.

Of course, because the man in question is actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers, we must see this as a titillating and ultimately amusing thing. No sympathy here. No-one wants us to be sympathetic.

And so, hilariously, Rhys Meyers was rushed to hospital by ambulance after his suicide attempt, which we’ll now pass off as a dreadful example of attention seeking. After seeing him act, we can’t possibly believe that he meant it. Have you seen Velvet Goldmine? Exactly.

Meyers, who you may recognise from his stint as boorish Henry VIII in the arousal-killing series The Tudors, is understood to have gobbled handfuls of pills at his very nice £3million home in west London. We have to mention the price of his house so you can either surmise that he was either rattling around the manifestation of his success like a lonely nutjob or, indeed, sneer because someone with that much money can’t possibly have problems big enough to warrant a suicide attempt.

But Johnno does have problems y’know? He’s long battled a drink problem, presumably brought about by the fact that he knows full well what a terrible, terrible actor he is. We can sympathise. We also fell into a job which we’re not very good at and, as such, are constantly staring self-inflicted death in the face as we wait for readers to call bullshit on our careers, which of course, will tip us over the edge or, at best, see us feigning suicide in an attempt to stave off criticisms with a sympathy vote.

Alas, what we don’t have is lots of money like Rhys Meyers, who just so happened to check into a five-star rehabilitation centre in South Africa not too long ago. It was his fifth stint in a rehab, which is clearly not working for him.

Just like his acting ability.

Scotland Yard today confirmed:

‘Officers were called by London Ambulance Service to a residential address following reports of man refusing treatment. ‘

One of the officers probably considered leaving him to die after remembering the woeful Bend It Like Beckham which JRM starred in before reluctantly remembering his duties.

So there you have it. Suicide. It’s funny isn’t it?

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