Do you have a dog? Word to the wise – no-one actually cares. It’s your stupid, gristle-munching crap-factory and no-one else wants to deal with it outside of occasional petting of it when we have to visit your fur covered home that smells like dog’s teeth.
That’s because dogs are stupid. They’re impressively stupid. They walk into things, frighten themselves when flatulent and will forever be fooled by someone pretending to throw a ball for them. Dogs, in short, are idiots.
With that, someone ought to tell Eva Mendes who is ten shades of thrilled that she talks to her dog in French and is bowled over that it knows what she’s on about. Or rather, it has no idea.
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Imagine being Kate Moss. What do you do with your life? You stand around in a variety of clothes, which people hang off your bony frame and generally lord it up like you have an actual talent other than your genetic make-up.
Despite a clear lack of anything worthwhile, other than being sufficiently bland enough not to distract people from the garments you’re wearing, that still doesn’t mean you can’t act like a pompous, deserving buffoon.
And that’s exactly what’s happening as Kate Moss has revealed that she isn’t keen on interacting with her admirers on Twitter. Basically, you plebs don’t deserve her musings.
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Model and subject of Billy Joel’s ‘Uptown Girl’, Christie Brinkley, has been handed a really quite special tax bill by the US government. How special? Over half a million dollars special. She must’ve missed the 90,000 letters they sent to her house reminding her, eh?
The exact figure, if you’re the kind of person who just loves an exact figure, is an impressive $531,720.
Looks like she’s going to have to do some work to pay that off. Basically, that means we can expect to see her in some awful reality TV show.
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Damn it. DAMN IT. Daisy Lowe and Matt Smith have only gone and split up! And broken each other’s hearts and stopped putting aromatic lotions on each other! And frittered away 18 months of honing the beauty of a perfectly entwined soul that came as one when once their eyes first met at presumably a GQ event, but not that that matters, because minor details are futile when you think of the devotion and unity that two people can sha…
Okay, we’re faffing. Not the time to faff, clearly.
So, alright. This has happened. This has happened, and now we have to deal with it. Well, we know what you want. You want the official statement to try and understand why this has happened. WHY? Why NOW, so close to Christmas? Why now, so soon after the emotional minefield of Olly Murs’ Children in Need video?
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Doctor Who has always been a quirkfest, with machines that don’t work properly, stupidly long scarves, baddies that look like bits of tinfoil and something preposterously called ‘a sonic screwdriver’.
Really, The Doctor is, of all the heroes, the most nauseatingly twee. He’ll be playing a bloody ukulele next. A sonic ukulele no doubt.
Anyway, thank frig the Americans have shown up to save this sorry franchise with some razzle and dazzle. That’s right! America will be getting their hands on Doctor Who and making the explosions bigger, the Doctor more handsome, throwing in a sex scene or two and making him have a proper spaceship as opposed to a stupid telephone box. WHO EVEN USES TELEPHONE BOXES ANYMORE? HAVEN’T THE WRITERS HEARD OF MOBILE PHONES?
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To be a successful female in modern America, you have to release records that are edgy, oozing with sex and somehow able to offend various subsections of society or else you’re just old fashioned.
Rihanna constantly tells us how she likes to engage in adult activities, Lady Gaga likes to dress up as meat and Beyonce likes to fake pregnancies (if the mentalist rumours are true). So where does Nicki Minaj fit in?
Some say she bypasses all of the above shock factors and does an alright job of reinventing female rap. Previously, Nicki Minaj upset America when her right boob popped out to say hello. Now conservative types will probably get into a fluster as she prepares to release new songs as a gender bender.
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Drake is one of the world’s most hyped rappers on the planet despite releasing lame song after lame song. And his latest album, Take Care, has been delayed, presumably because it’s so poor that it’s hiding under the stairs, surrounded by people trying to cajole it outside.
As a teaser for just how lame it is, a new song called Make Me Proud featuring Nicki Minaj, has been leaked.
Yes, you can hear it over the jump and yes, Drizzy (when will this ‘izzy/’eezy thing end?) showcases rap in the style of The Little Book Of Calm. Again.
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Even though she’s got a body like the underside of a giant tortoise’s varnished stomach, Jodie Marsh is very happy with her new bodybuilder look. Very happy. Very, very happy.
In fact, Jodie ‘Oh Jesus Christ, It’s Like The Cuprinol Man Came To Life!’ Marsh is saying… with a completely straight face… that she’s feeling more attractive than ever.
Yes really.
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