Strange to think that Amy Winehouse used to win awards, isn’t it? Real awards for being good at music and stuff.

Not awards for being drunk. Not awards for overdosing on drugs, or punching fans, or making a noise like a kitten being pushed through a waste disposal unit when she sings. Actual awards. Brits and Grammys and Ivor Novellos and stuff. It’s good in a way, because no matter how catastrophic her life gets, Amy Winehouse will always have a reminder of her natural talent; she’ll always have something to live for.

Except that Amy Winehouse apparently treats her awards with such a lack of respect that her dad Mitch Winehouse has decided to keep them at his house. Rumours that he clutches them to his chest at night pretending that they’re actually his could not be confirmed.

Actually, you can’t blame Mitch Winehouse for taking Amy’s awards. Music awards have a surprisingly high street value in the drug trade – an Ivor Novello can usually be traded for a bag of heroin as big as a dog’s head, a Grammy can get you enough PCP to contaminate an entire city’s water supply like in Batman Begins and a Brit… well, actually a Brit can only really get you a single paracetamol pill with the word ‘drugs’ written on it in biro. Nobody really likes the Brits.

So with that in mind, we’re going to sincerely congratulate Mitch Winehouse for confiscating all of Amy Winehouse’s awards. Sincerely. Digital Spy reports:

The ‘Back To Black’ singer has won a host of awards, including five Grammys and three Ivor Novellos since her rise to fame in 2003, but Mitch insisted if he does not look after them they will get damaged. Her told OK: “I went round to Amy’s flat in Camden and one of her Ivor Novellos was lying on the floor with clothes on top of it, so I said, ‘That’s it!’. So she doesn’t get to keep anything!”

And at least Mitch Winehouse knows how to treat those awards correctly – by polishing them to within an inch of their life, having the word ‘Amy’ scratched out and ‘Mitch’ engraved over the top, and holding them in his hands while he reels off at least one pretend acceptance speech for each of them every day.

So take that, critics of Mitch Winehouse. He’s an actual hero. After all, he’s preventing Amy Winehouse’s awards from getting very slightly scratched, and isn’t that everyone’s biggest concern about her? Yes, yes it is. Well done, Mitch!

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Mitch Winehouse isn’t just famous for being Amy Winehouse’s dad, you know. He’s also famous for, um…

Oh. Hang on. There must be something. Wait. No. Oh, no, actually it turns out that Mitch Winehouse is just famous for being Amy Winehouse’s dad. But has that stopped him from inexplicably releasing a jazz album called A Rush Of Love To The Heart? No, no it hasn’t.

And we hope that the album becomes a runaway success – because then chances are that Mitch Winehouse will develop a crack addiction, marry someone desperately unsuitable, have an overdose, punch one of his fans in the face and watch in horror as one of his fake tits explodes. If there’s anything that runs in the family, it’s exploding tits.

Mitch Winehouse is brilliant. He’s a doer. Where others see tragedy, he only sees possibilities. A couple of years ago, when every day heralded a new story about about how close Amy Winehouse was to death, Mitch Winehouse did what any loving father would do – he appeared on every single TV show that’d have him to explain how worried he was about her.

But then the unthinkable happened. Amy Winehouse got better, and Mitch Winehouse was left with three choices:

1) Fade away again, happy that his daughter’s new-found health had rendered his semi-celebrity status redundant.

2) Write and record an entire bloody jazz album that people will only pay attention to because of who his daughter is.

3) Get Amy back on the crack again so he could have an excuse to pop up on Sky News every few hours, just like the good old days.

And, even though the last option would probably be the most painless for everyone involved, Mitch Winehouse has instead picked the second option, possibly because he’s evil and harbours a burning hatred towards all of humanity. MTV reports:

The father of Amy Winehouse has just launched a new jazz album entitled A Rush Of Love To The Heart. Mitch said: “Of course, I wouldn’t be in this position without Amy, but now the opportunity is there, why not take it?”

Still, good luck to Mitch Winehouse. Especially if this means that Mitch Winehouse’s auntie can release an album to cash in on his success, and then her cousin can release an album to cash in on her success, and then their dentist can release an album to cash in on their success. Eventually all the world will be able to release a godawful jazz album of their own that nobody cares about, and it’ll all be down to good old Mitch Winehouse. HOORAY FOR MITCH WINEHOUSE! HE’S OUR HERO!

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Hey kids, remember back in school when your teacher told you to study hard and reap the rewards?

Well you can pretty much forget that now. Now that we think about it, you can pretty much knock over our desks, pull down our trousers and eat crisp sandwiches for eternity. You see, Amy Winehouse’s dad Mitch wants to dish out batches of mind-numbing heroin to us. Hooray.

Traditionally, the only freebies that you’ll get are from Santa, each other, or – if you’re a work shy freeloader – decades of free living at home. Now we don’t know if Mitch Winehouse is going to ride a sledge like Santa while he hands out his free heroin, but it would be amusing to see Amy Winehouse being mushed along. It would beat a trip to the NHS and being greeted by its moody workers, anyway.

Somehow, Mitch Winehouse has managed to make himself semi-famous for being the father of musical wreck Amy Winehouse. Whenever the press accuses her of being off her nut on drugs, in comes big Mitch to do his best Phil Mitchell impression and call everyone a liar.

During her wonky appearance on Strictly Some Dancing recently, Amy Winehouse did seem to be in a better picture of health. Experts praised her decision to leave Blaaaaake, who was supposedly named as the main reason behind her drugged-up lifestyle. Oh, and her boobs apparently exploded afterwards as well. Like an overfilled balloon, they just popped with fluid seeping everywhere.

Now we don’t know if this is just a crap plug based on his addict daughter’s history, but old Mitch here thinks that anyone who is on heroin should get it for free on the NHS. Mitch is currently doing a documentary on the subject of drugs and visited Switzerland where they currently dish out the drug. He told The Sun:

“They have been prescribing heroin to their addicts for the past 15 years. You can argue that you are rewarding them by giving them heroin for free. But it helps stabilise and maintain them, giving them time to recover. While that’s going on, our communities are safer. They are suffering less. They aren’t being vandalised, robbed and burgled.”

Mitch probably doesn’t realise that the UK has lots of rehab centres and clinics for addicts to kick their habits. Instead of encouraging people to poison their veins with muck that’s cooked up in someone’s shed, the government prefers to get folk clean and back in to work. So quite likely, there won’t be a heroin man driving round in a van with jingly jangly music for people to chase after.

Honestly, why do so called famous folk think they can do stuff when they have power? It’s like asking Bono to save the world or Kate Moss to design clothes for girls.

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Amy Winehouse is a woman in turmoil. Crack-less, Blake-less and now light of £15,000 worth of property, since being the victim of a burglary while on holiday in St. Lucia.

To add insult to injury, according to reports, Amy Winehouse has been barred from spending her own (remaining) cash, unless she has the explicit permission of her father Mitch or her mum Janis.

This has so many echoes of a post-head-shave Britney Spears. The only saving grace is that our beloved Wino is not a mother and is pretty good at remembering her underwear.
One can assume that there is some sort of witchery afoot keeping Amy Winehouse alive. If crack were sweets, she would still have ingested enough of the good stuff to make her quite marvellously unhealthy.

Try it, just try living on chocolate alone and see how unhealthy you are, say, three years later. You’d be lardy and as unhealthy as you had ever been. How then is it that five-foot nothing Wino, who weighs less than her own weave can ingest her body-weight in narcotics and look somewhat healthy?

Her fans seem to be jumping the gun slightly, trumpeting her healthy new looks and saying how utterly fabulous the Back To Black singer appears, thanks to her sunny hols – but since when is a holiday a cure for the cracky blues? Rehab, lock downs, heck even deep-tissue massages can all help get this woman back into good health. But, really, since when did getting your tan on, on the beach, count as drug therapy?

Anyhoo, Since Daddy Wino is in the picture as much as he is, maybe he should hit up Daddy Spears for some advice.

If the below is true, then Wino’s £15million earnings are already under the control of her parents – so it’s not much of a leap to put some form of long-lasting ‘conservatorship’ into place, until she sorts her life out.

According to reports from The Mirror:

A friend said: “Mitch convinced Amy she needs a safety valve for the money for her own good – to stop her doing anything rash or daft. She can be very impetuous and the family wanted to protect her. She cannot make a sudden decision. Her dad was also worried she might be tempted to go back to Blake – and put him in charge. That is now impossible. This would never have happened before, certainly not when she was with Blake. It’s her money and nobody else can touch it. But she can’t do anything stupid.”

Whether or not this will work and save Amy Winehouse from herself remains to be seen.

This woman, after all, was on such a downward spiral that less then 12-months ago that national press outlets admitted they had written her obituary because they assumed the worst about her fate.

Here’s to Amy’s wealth, health and to the hope that she may be put into a more suitable and lengthy rehabilitation programme in the near future.

This has been a guest blog by the ever-wonderful Amy Grindhouse. You may visit her at Amygrindhouse.com, then return and thank us.

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Mitch Winehouse, father of beehived bandit Amy, has told the News of the World that he wants his daughter to be sectioned.

Just yesterday there were reports that Amy didn’t want her husband to come out of jail.

What is it about this family that makes them want to incarcerate their closest relatives so much?

Love?

And by ‘mental’ home, we don’t mean it in the modern-youthful sense of the word (i.e. a ‘wicked-fun time’) as if the hospice was run by clowns who could heal patient’s injuries with heavy doses of laughter.

We mean it in the traditional sense; the Syd Barrett sense; the Jon Bon Jovi sense.

Mitch is convinced that sectioning Amy is the only way to save her from killing herself. He said:

“I want her sectioned. The situation is getting out of control. I want her off the street.”

Should they ask her to go to rehab? Mitch say:

“I don’t think being somewhere for six weeks is going to cure her problems. I think it needs far more radical measures. We will take the bull by the horns and deal with it.”

Come on Mitch – we know she isn’t the prettiest girl, but her own father comparing her to a bull? That’s a tad harsh. He furthered a lot more:

“I’ve been on the phone to Amy’s manager in Los Angeles and he’s starting things rolling. They are going to be speaking to doctors, psychologists and everything else. I want Amy to be somewhere where she will be safe and where no harm can come to her. Obviously, as her dad, I will try and do what’s best for her. Unfortunately, what I think is best for Amy and what she thinks is best for her are two different things…and it might be that other parties might need to be involved…You need all four – the psychologists, the doctor, the local health authority and the next of kin – all to decide that somebody is sectionable. Now is the time to exert whatever pressure we have to try to do it. I’ve told them she is a danger to herself. There is evidence of self-harming and she’s a danger to other people because she’s attacked someone.”

Amy was released with a caution from Holborn police station yesterday morning for hitting Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi after he refused to give way to her at a pool table. Mustapha said:

“I feel so angry. She smashed my face hard.”

Poor Mustapha; now he knows what a Joe Calzaghe opponent must feel like.

Then, after proceeding to play the game of pool – as poor victim Mustapha was legging it to the first policeman or journalist he could find – she allegedly head-butted a good samaritan trying to hail her a cab because – so it turns out – she thought he was trying to molest her.

Trying to molest her? What fucked-up method of taxi-hailing was he using? Maybe Amy felt the constant jerking of his thumb in an upwards movement was actually a mimed-innuendo of what he planned to do with her?

We can’t be sure as of yet if it is Amy exactly, but there is certainly some level of traditional-style mentalness going on here.

Read More – Lock Up My Amy – NOTW