Eamonn Holmes is a man famed for the legendary status of his gargantuan gob.

Not only is it capable of producing more crap than his backside on a day-to-day basis, but when it isn’t spewing verbal sewage it’s being stuffed with all manner of deep-fried goodies.

Well, let’s hope Eamonn has deep-fried his foot after he managed to, once again, get it firmly lodged between his gums during an interview on This Morning.

Holmboy was interviewing a woman who was described as a, “sex addict,” or slag as they’re oft’ known in certain parts of Essex, when he dared to ask her:

“If you need this five or six times a day, have you never thought about making a business of it? Charging for it?”

Taxi for Holmes.

It transpires that sex addicts don’t like it when you ask them why they don’t just become prostitutes, because apparently they’re people too.

Albeit people who like to blame their socially blossoming genitalia on an addiction, in the hope that people will feel sorry for them as opposed to questioning how many STIs they have or asking them if they’ve ever considered becoming a prostitute live on daytime TV.

THIS IS SERIOUS DAMMIT, STOP LAUGHING!

Oh, you weren’t?

The bonking bonkers lady in question, Crystal Warren, curtly told Uncle Eamonn that she didn’t want to go on the game because:

“Then it becomes a business, then I become maybe like a robot. This way I am enjoying it, I do it when I want to do it, I get to choose who I sleep with.”

It’s the business side of prostitution that’s definitely the worst part of it, after all, who really knows how you go about claiming condoms as a tax-deductible expense?

Seriously. HMRC wouldn’t return our calls.

There are times in life when things look bad, when you don't see the point in much and when, well, you just downright hate things.

Then something happens that picks you up, makes you happy again and fills you with a beaming smile that somehow manages to envelop your entire body, filling your whole physical presence with joy from head to toe.

Take, for example, when a UFO sighting was reported somewhere in Wales, and this police radio conversation was conducted:

Control: "Alpha Zulu 20, this object in the sky, did anyone have a look at it?"

Officer: "Yes, it's the Moon. Over."

hecklerspray loves you, Wales.

Original Story (BBC)

They say nothing is certain but death and taxes, but that’s only because ‘nothing is certain except death, taxes and Paula Abdul acting all crazy boogaloo’ is too long.

You guessed it – notorious slurring headcase Paula Abdul has had another episode. What crazy shenanigans has Paula Abdul got up to this time? Why, judging an American Idol contestant on a song that he hadn’t even sung, of course.

This confusing American Idol cock-up has left people asking the very important question ‘is Paula Abdul OK?’ To which the answer is obviously ‘no, she’s clearly not OK, she’s Paula Abdul. Paula Abdul does this sort of stuff all the bloody time. What are you, new here or something?’

We’ll level with you here – we haven’t watched American Idol this year at all. Sure, there was the YouTube video of Renaldo Lapuz we saw – and the American Idol stripper was faintly diverting – but when the live shows start you know you’re just going to be confronted with endless damp-faced youngsters singing bad songs in bland ways until one of them wins and gets crowned as the new Taylor Hicks. The formula is getting old.

But now we might just start watching American Idol again because it sounds like Paula Abdul and The General Notion Of Reality are having another one of their trial separations, and that’s always wonderful to see.

Who could possibly forget Paula Abdul’s previous greatest hits, like when she smashed up her face on the side of a dog, or when she had a confusing rage attack in an airport or when she screamed and cried down a telephone about diarrhoea that one time?

This time, on live TV on the most-watched TV show in America, Paula Abdul started critiquing an American Idol contestant for a song he hadn’t sung yet. In a change from the normal procedure, all the American Idol contestants sang one song each while the judges made notes and then filed back onstage together for a kind of group scolding before going off to sing their second songs – and that’s when poor Paula Abdul’s brain exploded, as BBC News reports. Asked what she thought of Jason Castro, Paula said:

“Oh gosh, we’ve never had to write these things down… fast enough,” Abdul said, shuffling through her pieces of paper. “Jason, first song, I loved hearing your lower register, which we never really hear, um… the second song, I felt like your usual charm wasn’t – it was missing for me. It kind of left me a little empty. The two songs made me feel like you’re not fighting hard enough to get into the top four,” she said, before being told by fellow judge Randy Jackson that only one song had been performed. After realising her blunder, Abdul said: “Oh my god, I thought you sang twice!”

Now come along Paula, thinking someone’s sung twice when they’ve only sung once is good lunacy, but not great lunacy. The American Idol singers all look so blandly attractive that it’s easy enough to get them confused. It could happen to anyone, and that’s why we’re so disappointed in you.

Next time you’ve really got to knock your crazed outburst out of the park. Attack someone with a hammer or hallucinate a Russian invasion or take a child hostage or something. You’re capable of better, Paula. You can do it!

Read more:

Abdul makes gaffe on US Idol show – BBC