The days when ‘big films’ on Christmas telly were circled in red pen by enthusiastic Radio/TV Times readers have long since passed. Cheap DVDs and 950-odd movie channels have made the ‘terrestrial premiere’ have all the impact of the phrase ‘starring Jim Cavaziel’.
There’s always the big screen of course, with the festive flicks offering a welcome escape from hateful relatives or having to grind through the likes of The Krankies’ ‘It’s Behind You’ Panto Special on Channel Five (at least we don’t have the horrors of Disney Time and Holiday on Ice to glaze our brains over any more).
So join us at the movies and let’s see what’s on.
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Professional headcase Tom Cruise has admitted to being terrified of the melodic word with his fear coming to a very public fore while filming his new waste of time “Rock Of Ages”.
Tom Cruise is well renowned throughout the world, both as an actor, a producer and as someone who doesn’t know when a franchise is dead (See: Mission: Impossible) but his ability to sing has never been called into question. Even in 1983 “classic” Risky Business, Tom used Bob Seger as a voice double during his trouserless performance of Old Time Rock n’ Roll.
Let’s be fair to Tom though, singing is a terrifying experience. One need only spend five minutes in the company of a Glee Survivor to know that not only are their vocal chords destroyed, their careers are all-but ruined by incessant autotune abuse. DARE to say no to singing.
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Admit it, you thought that Tom Cruise would never make Mission: Impossible IV. Or you just hoped he wouldn’t.
Either way, you’re wrong. Now that he’s back in the big league, having made a boring film about Hitler and a boring film about some lions, Tom Cruise is ready to get back to doing what he’s most famous for. No, not rabbiting on about Scientology like a wild-eyed zealot. And, no, not getting married to unexpected women who he seems to have an over-compensatory amount of love for. And not whooping with so much intensity that you fear he might be about to suffer some kind of nightmarish anal prolapse, either.
Making Mission: Impossible films. We meant that Tom Cruise has agreed to make a new Mission: Impossible film. Honestly, what is your problem?
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So Tom Cruise is going to make Mission: Impossible 4. Let’s get all the obvious gags out of the way now, shall we?
Hey, what’s the impossible mission this time? Reviving Tom Cruise’s career? Ha. Finding Tom Cruise a decent haircut? Ha. Trying to convince the world that Tom Cruise isn’t a boggle-eyed religious fanatic? Ha. Making Tom Cruise the size of a normal human being? Ha. Getting Tom Cruise to convincingly marry a woman? Ha. Trying to get Tom Cruise to promote a movie without making an overwhelming arsehole of himself? Haaaa.
Oh boy, this is going to be fun.
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